Chapter 4
MLP: FiM
Caught Between a Rock and a Pie
By: Calm Wind
Chapter 4:
Eventually (two hours and three failures to drive in a straight line later) our heroes found themselves riding beside the train tracks of the north south railroad line extending from Ponyville to Canterlot. Maud had connected through Canterlot and claimed that Boulder fell off the train about halfway between. The line running between the two wasn’t very long, only a twenty to thirty minute ride on the express train, so how hard could it be to find a pony nearby? If this Boulder pony stayed put at least. Braeburn was beginning to wonder if they’d ever find Maud’s friend. Who was dumb enough to fall off a train anyway?
The search continued… but bore little fruit as they continuously scanned the area.
“We’re going beside the rails… on a crazy train…” Maud ‘sang’ as they looked.
“Look, uh, Maud…” Braeburn spoke up as he took his eyes off the surrounding field for a moment. “Could ya… um… stop?”
“You don’t like hard rock?” she asked, giving him a blank look.
“Well, it’s fine an’ dandy, but ya been… singing the same thing fer the past hour…” Braeburn explained as humbly as he looked back out.
“Okay…” Maud agreed before singing something else. “Here I am… Rock you like a hurricane…”
“I might be wrong…” Braeburn leaned over to Pinkie. “But I think you’re sister likes rocks.”
“What gave you that idea?” Pinkie said cheerfully as she turned around, letting go of the wheel. “It’s her life!” Pinkie said as the cart continued to move slowly and steer itself without her touching it.
“I love to rock and roll all night…” Maud switched up.
“AND PARTY EVERY DAY!” Pinkie added as she began singing with her.
“I have no idea what I’m doin’…” Braeburn shook his head. He had accepted his role on this little journey of theirs, but that didn’t mean he understood what was going on.
Suddenly the cart came to a sudden stop, followed by a raspy yelp from the front.
“Whoa!” Braeburn lurched forward, grabbing the wheel to support himself as Maud didn’t budge but Pinkie LAUNCHED from her seat as if catapulted and flew in a high, thin arc up and back down while yelling,
“WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!” before landing right on top of Braeburn and forcing him to the floor of the cart.
“What the heck?!” the raspy voice came from in front of them again followed by the cart lurching backward, throwing Braeburn and Pinkie off the back, but Maud remained sitting as if glued to her seat.
Braeburn scrambled to his hooves and looked up.
“Aw… horseapples…” he gritted his teeth. “Diamond dogs!” Braeburn exclaimed as one large and one small diamond dog stepped around the cart. They hey had a large pile of gems sitting in front of the cart. It seemed like while Pinkie wasn’t looking, the cart drove directly into these brigands.
“Ponies! With a cart too? It’s our lucky day!” the small one rubbed his paws together while the big one just grunted and nodded.
Just great… as much as he didn’t want to admit it, Braeburn was beginning to enjoy the brief, crazy respite he had been given from his work, but this just threw a curveball into the mix. What were Diamond dogs doing away from the mountains or the digging grounds outside of Ponyville? They usually never left those areas.
“That’s a fine looking cart you’ve got there!” the small one snickered as he started taking steps towards Braeburn. “We’re far from home and looking for something to carry our load of gems here… and that cart of yours is looking mighty useful for that purpose!”
“Stay back!” Braeburn threatened. Braeburn wasn’t strong like Mac… hell he was barely half Mac’s size, but as a stallion he refused to cower and leave two mares at the mercy of these ruffians.
“And what are you gonna do about it? Eh, little pony?” the diamond dog sneered as the big diamond dog walked up behind him. Braeburn gulps, shuffling backwards slightly. “I’d say you goose is cooked! Now give the cart or—”
All Braeburn did was blink and Pinkie Pie was suddenly standing right up in front of the diamond dog on the tips of her hooves. Braeburn internally screamed.
“Hi!” Pinkie greeted the diamond dog happily. “I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?!” she asked. Braeburn was ready to reach up and pull her away, but for some reason he had the feeling he wouldn’t have to.
“Get out of my face, pony!” the diamond dog snarled and swiped his paw towards her. Pinkie Pie sprung upward, complete with a SPROING noise, causing the diamond dog to swing, miss, and spin around. Pinkie landed softly just in time to get right back in his face as he stopped spinning.
“That’s a funny name Mr. Getoutofmyfacepony!” Pinkie giggled.
“YOU!!!!” the dog swiped again, but as his paw connected with Pinkie Pie’s face, she didn’t budge. Instead a whole cloud of confetti fired out of her main, peppering the dog in the face. “WARGH!” the dog yelped as he lurched backward and swatted all the confetti away. “Just give us your cart or I’ll get angry!” he demanded.
“Whoa! Whoa, bro!” Pinkie held her hooves out while scrunching her face. A wide smile grew on her face and she bounced her eyebrows. “Bro… you sound a little mad.”
“RRGGHHH!!!!” The dog growled as the big diamond dog behind him scratched his head curiously.
“YOU MAD BRO?!” Pinkie leaned forward while sneering.
“YES! I’M MAD!” the dog roared while lunging forward. But he was abruptly stopped as Pinkie stepped forward and their noses bumped together, Pinkie’s nose making a HNRK noise as his smushed.
“Okay! I’ll give you the cart!” she said happily.
“WHAT?!” both Braeburn and the diamond dog said at the same time.
“IF!” Pinkie’s eyes bulged out as she pressed her face further against the diamond dog’s. Braeburn released a temporary sigh of relief. He had a feeling there was a catch, and he hoped it was a prank to trick the dogs into leaving. “You beat me in a match of rock, paper, scissors!” Pinkie challenged.
“What…” Braeburn blinked and stared blankly. The diamond dog looked down at Pinkie’s hoof, lifting an eyebrow.
“You can only play rock…” the diamond dog had calmed down slightly, amused by Pinkie’s challenge.
“I don’t mind the handicap!” Pinkie suddenly got serious, tying a headband around her forehead that read ‘victory!’ in big pink letters across it. “You feeling lucky? Mr. Getoutofmyfacepony?” she said while glaring menacingly at the dog. The diamond dogs looked at each other and shrugged.
“If you say so!” the dog accepted, cracking his wrist before balling up his paw and holding it out. Pinkie held her hoof out towards it and the two stared each other down.
“We’re finished…” Braeburn sighed as he sat down, not sure what Pinkie had in mind, but it didn’t seem to have any positive outcome. Pinkie and the diamond dog began in unison,
“ROCK! PAPER! SCISSORS! SHOOT!” they both yelled. The diamond dog flattened his paw and held it forward. Pinkie… held her hoof forward.
“Ha!” The dog laughed. “Paper beats rock!”
Pinkie suddenly ducked and a large rock the size of the dog’s head flew over her head and crashed right into the diamond dog’s face. The diamond dog shouted in pain as he fell backwards and clutched his face.
Braeburn stood up quickly and looked towards the cart. Maud was standing up on the edge of the cart, wearing her own headband that read ‘ROCKS’ on it in big grey letters.
“Rock beats everything…” she flatly proclaimed.
“YOU TELL ‘EM MAUD!” Pinkie cheered as she bounced up and down.
“THAT’S IT! GET THEM!” the diamond dog yelled to his large friend, but upon looking up, his eyes widened.
“Time to clock out with your rock out…” Maud said casually. She had hopped down from the cart and was standing on her hind legs, holding the entire bulk of the confused large diamond dog over her head. Braeburn’s jaw dropped as he watched how easily she lifted the bruiser into the air. Braeburn wouldn’t have known since Maud was wearing a sweater that covered her whole body… but Maud was REALLY strong! “Here’s your rock…” she said as she launched the big dog towards the little one. “Clock sold separately,” she added as the dogs crashed into each other and tumbled into a dazed pile.
Braeburn blinked and Maud was suddenly back in the cart. Pinkie zipped over to Braeburn and grabbed him by the arm.
“C’mon silly! Time to catch the train home!” she giggled as she pulled him over to the cart.
“The train home?!” Braeburn asked as he climbed into the cart.
“That one…” Maud pointed behind her. The express train from Canterlot was thundering down the rails towards them. It was seconds away from passing right beside them. Maud suddenly handed Braeburn a rope. “Quick, do something cool…” she asked. Braeburn saw the train coming and glanced at the diamond dogs recovering.
He had been sitting on his plot doing nothing aside from being confused during the whole sequence. In fact he hadn’t really done much at all to help during their little search. Could he do something to help? Pinkie hadn’t reloaded the party jets. They were definitely not speeding away… so…
“What would Pinkie Pie do?” Braeburn whispered to himself. “Probably something… absolutely ridiculous…” he chuckled as he turned and stepped up on the front of the cart. “Think like the pink!” he said to himself as he tied one end of the rope firmly to the front of the cart. The train zoomed by, the many coaches clickity-clacking behind it. Braeburn grabbed the other end of the rope, tied a lasso as quickly as he could, spun it around over his head, and tossed it at the last coach as it passed. The lasso hooked the emergency brake crank on the back of the coach and pulled taught in an instant.
“HOLD ON TO YOUR FUN!” Pinkie Pie yelled as she grabbed hold of both Maud and Braeburn. The cart was forced around and yanked along so roughly that Braeburn was surprised it didn’t rip to pieces. Before they knew it, the cart was being pulled behind the train beside the tracks, taking them back towards Ponyville and leaving the diamond dogs in the dust.
Braeburn poked his head up as the wind hit his mane. The rope was not straight, but somehow they were being pulled straight by the train. He wasn’t one to know how fancy physics worked, but he knew that wasn’t possible. Then again, he was riding in a cart with two sisters that didn’t listen to reality either, so he was willing to just accept it.
“Back home we go! And I don’t even have to drive!” Pinkie squealed delightfully as she fell backwards into the pile of hay that somehow stayed put throughout all the fast movement the cart had been a part of. Braeburn sighed and smiled, shaking his head and wondering if there was ever anything normal when dealing with the Pie family. But then he realized… they never found Maud’s friend.
“Shoot,” Braeburn turned to Maud. “Sorry, looks like we didn’t find yer friend,” Braeburn suddenly felt ashamed. Which was funny when he thought about it. He spent the first part of the whole trip annoyed and confused, now he felt bad that in the end he couldn’t help them.
“Actually I found him,” Maud said. Braeburn blinked and looked at her curiously. He looked around the cart just in case Boulder happened to be another pony that liked to appear out of thin air, but he saw nothing.
“Huh?” Braeburn looked at her again.
“He was actually in my pocket the whole time,” Maud explained as she reached into a pocket on her sweater… and pulled out a little stone. “He’s very good at hiding.”
“What…?” Braeburn flattened his brow. “What?” he looked back at Pinkie, who was rolling around in circles in the hay. “WHAT….?” Braeburn repeated as he stared at the small stone in Maud’s hoof. “THAT…?”
“This is Boulder, do you want to pet him? He likes that,” Maud held the stone out towards Braeburn.
THAT was what they were looking for? THAT was ‘Boulder’? They were looking for a ROCK?! AND IT WASN’T EVEN LOST?!
“That’s what we were looking for?!” Braeburn reached up and grabbed his mane, yanking it in disbelief. “And it wasn’t even lost?! It’s just a ROCK!” he exclaimed while looking back at Maud.
Pinkie shot up from the hay and released a long, loud gasp as Maud remained perfectly still, her expression unchanged.
“Just a rock?” said Maud.
“Oh jeez, oh jeez, OH JEEZ!” Pinkie scrambled out of the hay.
“Just a rock?” Maud repeated.
“Whoa! Maud!” Pinkie stepped in between them.
“Just a rock?”
“It’s not worth it Maud!!!!” Pinkie yelled.
“Just a rock?”
“DON’T DO IT MAUD!!!!!!” Pinkie got behind her sister, hooked her arms around Maud’s shoulders and pulled as if she was holding Maud back, but Maud continued to sit and stare at Braeburn.
“Just a rock?”
“Maud! CHILL!!!! CHILLLLLL!!!!!!” Pinkie desperately shouted as she continued to yank backward. “REIGN IT IN!!!!!”
Braeburn just watched and blinked as the strange scene played out before him. Maud pointed at him.
“The passionate rage I feel towards you right now is indescribable,” she said monotonously as Pinkie fell off her back and released a high pitch scream, while covering her eyes.
There was a long silence before anything else happened. Pinkie uncovered her eyes and looked up at them.
“Is it over?” she stood up.
“Uh… nothin’ hap—”
“OH THANK GOD!” Pinkie jumped up and hugged Braeburn tightly before pushing him over to the other end of the cart. “Dude, you crossed the line there,” she said while poking Braeburn in the chest.
“What?” Braeburn blinked. “But it IS just a—”
“SHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Pinkie stuffed her hoof in his mouth before slowly looking back at Maud, who hadn’t budged nor stopped looking at Braeburn. “You really wanna make her any angrier?! Trust me! You don’t want that!”
“Right…” Braeburn gave in and played along.
Speaking of personal possessions, Braeburn looked around for his hat. He took it off earlier wedged it in the corner of the cart so he wouldn’t lose it during the high speed traveling, but when he looked, it was gone.
“Aw, dammit!” he looked all around the cart for it… and then looked up at Maud. She was wearing his hat. “Oh! There it is, thank Celestia, I just bought that—” but as he reached for it. Maud put up a hoof and stopped him. “Maud, that’s mine.”
“Not anymore it isn’t,” she retorted.
“Aw, c’mon… Sorry I insulted your rock…” Braeburn reluctantly played along.
“His name is boulder,” Maud stated.
“I’m sorry I insulted boulder…” Braeburn corrected himself.
“That’s peachy,” Maud denied him again as he reached for the hat.
“C’mon Maud, that’s mine…” Braeburn whined as he kept trying to reach for it, but each time Maud caught his hoof or swatted it away.
“You see this face?” Maud said flatly while pointing to her face. “This is my not giving a f*SQUEE*k face.”
Braeburn looked over at Pinkie as she continued to press together a little squeaky ball that kept making squeaking noises as she did. She looked up at Braeburn, then at Maud and shrugged.
“Good luck getting that back!” she giggled.
Braeburn sighed and gave up. He decided to just chuckle and flop down on the pile of hay as Ponyville appeared on the horizon.
It had been an interesting day… but whatever, in the end it was pretty fun.
Braeburn sighed as he approached the barn with the cart in tow. As soon as he returned the sisters to Sugar Cube Corner, the cart was back to normal as if Pinkie had never touched it. He had excused himself, eager to get back to Sweet Apple Acres because they were probably wondering where the hell he disappeared to for most of the day.
It was all a little bit of a letdown. They were not only actually looking for a rock… but it was never even lost to begin with. He felt like he had been dragged along in one big practical joke between the opposite ends of the crazy spectrum of Pinkie and her sister Maud.
But… it was kind of fun. Thinking back on all of it, Pinkie brought him along and included him in some random silliness, something that ultimately had a positive effect since he was smiling about it now.
However… as he turned back to reality… so did his brain. He found himself thinking about his failure in Appleloosa again. He would be living with that on his shoulders till the day he died. Rousing success followed by a colossal failure, how did he manage that?
He sighed and shook his head as he reached the door to the barn. The sun was setting and the fields were empty. He assumed that the rest of the family had already gone in for the night and were preparing dinner. He would park the cart, and go join them as usual. Maybe they’d help him get his mind elsewhere.
He took a step into the barn.
“SURPRIIIIIIIIIIIISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Braeburn stiffened, his eyes widened, and his ears shot up. He blinked and stepped backwards out of the barn, shutting the door in front of him. He stayed still in shock for a moment before the door opened and Pinkie Pie stood in the door way.
“HEY! Get back in here birthday colt!” she yelled as she grabbed him by the vest, smiled, and yanked him free of the cart harness and back into the barn.
Braeburn’s jaw dropped as the sight met his eyes again.
There was a party in the barn, everypony was looking at him. Everypony being all of Applejack’s friends (save for Rarity who was out of town), all of his buddies from his favorite tavern, and his whole family. There were tables and fun activities set up all over the barn and a banner that hung from the rafters that read: 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRAEBURN!'
His birthday?
Today was his birthday?
Had he been so stuck in his own little world with his regret that he forgot about his own birthday?
Braeburn walked into the party slowly, personally greeted by everypony that he passed, given pats on the back and hugs that he all accepted, but was admittedly still in shock. After finally getting through everypony present, the party and fun began.
Braeburn took a moment to sit down at one of the tables as the ponies began laughing and playing. It wasn’t long before Pinkie bounced over to him.
“Sorry! Maud and I had to distract you long enough! You wouldn’t believe how long it takes these slowpokes to set up a party without me!” Pinkie explained herself as she bounced in place in front of Braeburn.
Braeburn still hadn’t really given a full smile the whole time since he came back. Pinkie, of course, decided to change that. She stopped bouncing and looked him in the eyes while bouncing her eyebrows.
“It was fun, wasn’t it?” she asked.
“Huh?” Braeburn blinked. “Oh… yeah it was kind o’fun,” he said with a shrug. Pinkie frowned.
“Aw, c’mon… that doesn’t sound too enthusiastic! If it was fun, you have to smile!” she demanded. Braeburn looked at her and heavily faked a smile.
“PFFFFFHAHAHA!!!!!” Pinkie rolled over once. “What was that?! C’mon birthday colt! Smiiiiiiiile!” she said while giggling in his face.
Braeburn couldn’t hold it in. Pinkie always managed to make him smile or laugh… and he couldn’t hold it in. A smile curled on his lips and a chuckled as her eyes grew wide and sparkly.
“YAYYY!!!!! That’s a smile!” she exclaimed happily as she bounced up and down again.
“It was fun Pinkie…” Braeburn admitted. “Weird… but I had a good time.”
Pinkie stopped bouncing and looked at him sincerely.
“You’ve been looking in the dumps lately, you think I was gonna let my best stallion friend be all grumpy gills in MY TOWN?! Forget it buster! Sometimes you gotta let your troubles go and enjoy yourself! Life’s no fun if you’re always super serious! So keep that smile! It looks good on you!”
Braeburn looked up at her curiously. Now that he thought about it… not once during the silliness of the day did his focus fall back on his past mistakes… Pinkie had effectively distracted him from his problems, on his birthday no less. No matter what presents he was getting tonight, he doubted anything could top that. He couldn’t help but smile even wider at that thought.
Pinkie stopped bouncing and looked back into Braeburn’s eyes as he smiled at her. Her ears flopped down and she blushed lightly as she turned around and glanced at the rest of the party goers. When she saw nopony was looking, she turned back to Braeburn and smiled brightly.
She leaned in and planted a light kiss on his cheek.
Art by: eveyannie
Braeburn’s brain broke for a moment. All thought processes stopped as his expression went from smile to shock… again. Pinkie kept her head near his and whispered into his ear.
“I like your smile! Please keep doing it. Happy Birthday Brae Brae!” she whispered giddily before turning and bouncing away while giggling and blushing.
Braeburn just watched, surprised and befuddled as Pinkie easily rejoined the festivities.
His shock quickly turning back to a smile, before he too got up to join in the fun.
He was lucky… so incredibly lucky… to have a friend like Pinkie Pie…
“THERE! Y’see? THAT’S more like it! I’m not some nervous blushing damsel! If I wanna kiss a guy, I’m GOING for it!”
I know Pinkie, that’s why I wrote it that way.
“I guess that’s your excuse for the romance tag this time, huh?”
Whatever makes the readers squee, right?
“You’re a sly bastard,”
I know.
“And hey! In the end I didn't need to take over at all! I approved the WHOLE time! So for that, you get five hooves up!”
Thanks and… wait, five?
“SHHHHHHHHHH… Go start part three of Piercing the Heavens…”
---The End---
I have no idea what i just wrote...
WELP
Hope you enjoyed!
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can I say that Pinkie still scares me in the cover.
alright, time for me to read it.
I'll comment again after I've read it, but WHAT?! What trickery is this?
besides the bolt, wondering if I should place it in one of the couple libraries I have for my favs.
Well you got me to squee, darn it.
Now please go work on Piercing the Heavens like Pinkie said
OMG pinkie face is terrifying
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/623/514/832.jpg
no don't worry I really didn't want to sleep tonight
And here I was expecting Braeburn to be shipped with Maud but this is just as entertaining.
Once again, well crafted. The contrast between Pinkie and Maud was fantastic.
And Pinkie breaking the fourth wall was well-executed. Eagerly awaiting the next part of Piercing the Heavens. 
Schocking?
Come on Brae Brae! Pony up and ask her out already! This is more painful than a whip hit my ass... yeah, that's pleasure not pain. Anyway, take her some chocolates, take her to dinner, then make some foals!
5660783 Whoopsie, I let one slip.
5659246
That's the plan!
5659268
Yep! i was trying to reverse the whole scene having a tree say it would like to be a pony
5660097
After seeing this:
derpicdn.net/img/2014/4/5/592948/full.gif
I had to use the face!
is v.g. (was it explained how dash is here in piercing the heavens?)
5660198
Maud is so much fun to write for it hurts
Thanks for reading!
5660755
SON OF A...
Thanks for pointing that out
5660269
NOTHING MAKES SENSE AND I LIKE IT
5660360
You've gotta be subtle with the 4th wall breaking, because it's easy to go overboard and really break the story.
Glad you liked it! i'm eager to start work on my baby again
5660783
Thanks for that too
5660822
WE"RE GONNA MAKE LOVE. PINK STYLE
5661025
That was VERY intentional
Zelda ftw
5661072
Take note of the timeline position.
This takes place a month after That's not quite how he told it.
Piercing the Heavens starts two months after Not Quite how he told it
5661096 ...so many pictures, one stupid rule preventing me from posting...
5661102
That and my workplace moved into a new office and i dont have a corner desk anymore (i have a tiny blindspot but thats only if no one is moving around)... so no nsfw during work hours please
5661107 See, you shouldn't have told me that... once I know this sort of thing, I have to control the urge to flood your PM box with NSFW stuff.
5661109
ABSOLUTELY NOT here bro
I (painfully) can no longer look at DA or derpibooru while at work
I will literally get fired if that shit shows up on my screen at the wrong time
(im already lucky that our IT doesnt give a shit about monitoring the sites
I LOVED IT!!
Yes, yes it does.
Keep up the good work!
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR2UyPEDvKMZ_ZR-JFf_S6SvhUZSs3wtHyl6FJkjFKlK_TmOx3utQ
oooooooo burn
i.imgur.com/JO2Dg4Q.jpg
ahh calm wind you know me so well
I give this ten trollestias out of ten
5661071 still very scarey
5661195
Hahaha i was itching to use that gag all through the writing process
Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!
5661210
Yessssss gimme ALL the Trollestias!
Thanks for reading!
I have now been asked on 5 different occasions if I'm ok by the students around me.
Each of them saw me shaking and holding my breath wondering if i was having a seizure or something.
I was trying not to laugh out loud.
Thank you for this wonderful gift.
--- One Psychopathic Maniacal Fox
5661245
Hahaha, glad i could provide some laughs!
Thanks for reading!
5661089 I always enjoy the 4th wall breaks and antics that you choose, because they move the story along and actually have me laughing aloud.
I'm going to enjoy going back through this one and seeing if I can pick up on all the references you make.
Also really glad that the one forum thread is now up.
An actual home for theories is going to be fantastic in the coming months. 
5661399
I agree! you have no idea how much i love reading those!
5661615
*looks left* *looks right*
What gave you that idea?
Short and sweet, with the perfect amounts of d'awws
Loved you breaking the fourth wall, as usual with Pinkie 
Oh, gosh, her and Maud's antics...
This was perfect. Thank you for making my day.
5661646
Writing Maud was so much fun
Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!
5661651
Just wondering, was it hard for you to be able to keep personality with such different characters in the same story? It sure does seem like it.
5661662
Actually i took a unique approach to the two of them
i viewed Pinkie and Maud as being equally insane, but having them show it in polar opposite fashions 
Pinkie over the top, loud, and rambunctious. Maud monotonous, reserved, and stonefaced.
So i wrote the same personality... just opposite deliveries!
5661845
Tried to make them as original and fitting as possible
Didn't want them to seem forced.
.........................................................Okay.
5661886
shhhhhhhhh... just let it happen
5662211
One of them would like to be a pony
5662277
*takes a bow*
Thanks for reading!
5662322
Whoops
thanks for pointing that out 
5662334
welcome
5662342
aaaaand fixed that too, thanks!
Wow this story was Awesome!!!!!!!!
More pinkieburn!!!!
5663086
YOU CANNOT BLINK WHEN FACED WITH THE PINK!
5663230
Thanks! glad you enjoyed it!