After her reformation, Sunset Shimmer wants to somehow make up for what she did, and does so by becoming a secret agent. At her latest mission briefing she meets her first real crush - a cute gamer and guitarist called Midnight Blaze. As she tries to muster up the courage to ask him out, and old foe, from all the way in the Crystal City, is slowly but surely rising to power. And he wants revenge for his 10 years imprisonment...
Ships include: Sunset Shimmer x OC, minor TwiDash
ON HIATUS FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapters (5)
FIRST! XD
I really think you should have dedicated more than a single paragraph for the totally-not-a-date.
And why on earth do you keep switching POVs every few paragraphs? Pick an important character and stick with them. Trust me, it's a lot better if you stick with a single character, because then you can filter the entire plot through that character's perspective. If you're going to flail around like this, you may as well just write everything in third person omniscient.
Another big problem you have is that you're just moving the story too fast because you aren't describing anything. Slow down! Show us more details of what everyone is doing. This is a pretty common trouble point of inexperienced writers, and I'd be remiss if I didn't at least point you in the general direction of what you're doing wrong.
5755381 Maybe but I couldn't really think of anything. Don't worry, There will be a real date comign up soon, with an entire long chapter devoted to it
5755430 Yeah, I know I need to slow down. SOmetimes its juts hard to think of a way to do that without people getting bored
And I know they POV thing is bad too, I usually do it in 1st person instead of 3rd to immerse readers more, but this can upset it. I'm working on not doing that
This next chapter is at least an improvemnt, feel free to comment and let me know if there's anything else I need to improve
5755907
Perspective doesn't work that way. First person does not immerse the reader more (or less) than third (for that matter, neither does second). They approach the goal of immersion in different ways and each has its own problems.
5755907
Perspective doesn't work that way. First person does not immerse the reader more (or less) than third (for that matter, neither does second). They approach the goal of immersion in different ways and each has its own problems.
5757390 Yeah I know but I personally find it easier that way. Different people, Ya know. Like I said, I'm working on improving with that.
Lol this is funny because my OC's name is also Midnight Blaze.... awkward d.wattpad.com/story_parts/100499284/images/13bf20c5678126c6.jpg
5772350
THAT'S SECOND TIME! THATS 3 MIDNIGHT BLAZES! THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS!!!! 
5775565 Lol it really is
which TwiDash
5783785 What do you mean?
5783877 There are two Twilights, so which Twidash
5787473 you mean like alicorn and unicorn? Um...neither? Equestria Girls
My best friend irl has fallen in love with this story :P
5904144 lol XD
5904253 she will want more... But first her phone has to come in the mail.... Why did she even leave it with her grandparents in the frist place!?
Okay, I just read the first chapter. I'm gonna put aside the grammar, punctuation, rushed pace, wish-fulfillment characters, the 'telling' and not 'showing' the narrative does, and the lack of distinguishing factors between the characters (their clothes and physical appearance don't count. Their personality and goals is what we look for)
Instead, I'm gonna say that the story would really benefit if you picked one theme, stick with it, and make it a relevant piece background. So far, the story seems to play with a lot of ideas and it doesn't seem to settle on what it wants. They're spies, but besides meeting each other in a role call, they do nothing spy-like... They go to a Five Nights At Freddy's pizzeria, and yet a haunted pizza place doesn't seem to influence the plot....
A quick rule of thumb: if you can swap out the background (character's job, the scene's setting) for something completely unrelated without changing the plot at all, then that background is a literary benign tumor-- a useless aspect of your story that doesn't help the reader's experience at all. Just like a tumor, cut it out.
Some potentially interesting ideas that could have been explored in this chapter:
"Love at first sight." Sunset and Midnight confuse 'love' with 'lust.' It's a cautionary tale about two teenagers who think they have a true connection with each other, when really only their looks and surface-level interests are compatible. Sunset and Midnight, thinking they're in love, rush into all sorts of commitment heavy things-- marriage, pregnancy, tied finances, burning bridges with their respective families, etc.-- before they realize they get on each other's nerves or they have completely dissimilar goals.
"Five Nights at Freddy's." Instead of being spies, Sunset and all those other characters are all just normal teenagers who get a job at Fazbear Entertainment. The story becomes either a slash fic or murder mystery as some of the teens are picked off and the rest try to survive. There could still be a romance subplot that develops as 2 people come to rely on each other to survive being holed up in the establishment.
"They are spies." The characters are spies, and most of the scene's settings have something to do with training to be a spy or doing spy work (as well as anything else the CIA does just for variety).
On second thought... what does any of this have to do with MLP? Besides the character's names, I mean? The story would be no different if it were taken out of the My Little Pony universe. Does magic exist in this story, and if so, is it used? Sunset Shimmer emigrated from Equestria, so does that mean she is still finding out how a non-magical human society works? Does Midnight Blade ever find out about Sunset's past as a pony, and does he feel creepy about his romantic feelings for a creature that isn't his same species?
6000687 Well the FNaF thing was a subtle reference, nothing to do with the plot. The spy thing will come into play later on and how it relates to MLP...
The attack of Sombra and his cult and Twilight coming and all the elements of harmony from both worlds to beat him and Maybe Midnight gets an element..? Not sure on that last one.
6001404
That would be a very bad idea, one that's been done to death.
6001700 Good point XD
6001404
I agree with 6001700 that the 7th element thing has been thoroughly explored on this sight. At least it has with stories where the main character just discovers that he's the 7th element. I haven't seen too many stories where a 7th element is created on purpose by the character like someone would in a controlled setting in a laboratory or something along those lines. Slightly more creative, but still not a good road to go down. Too much temptation to turn your character into an over powered Mary Sue.
I think it'd be a little more interesting to see your OC try to cope when a good majority of his friends gained super powers. Some of Midnight's turmoil could be that he feels left out or that he wants to help but has no idea what to do. Leaving him without powers doesn't mean he becomes a useless character. Make him the tactical brains whereas the Main 6 are the brawns. Or Make it so that all the characters are solving some sort of mystery so the Main 6's powers don't come into play whatsoever.