The Fateful Day (Edited)
The weather in Ponyville was lazy. Gormless clouds were drifting higgledy piggledy across the indolent firmament. Rainbow Dash had slept in again.
Twilight Sparkle was walking to the market that day. Little did this pony know that she was entering a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to ponykind. A dimension beyond time and space, beyond science and superstition, closed off from her world by a door who's only key is imagination. She had just entered... the Twilight Zone.
"Hmm" Twilight murmured to herself distractedly. She opened her saddle bags and removed a book on weather control, as she glanced at the clouds once more. "Hmmm" She drew out the mmm, savoring it, rolling it in her mouth as she did calculations. "Yeah. I think I can fix this".
It was the first day of what would eventually be known as Hurricane Twilight. Rain gently pitter pattered against the windows of the Ponyville library. Twilight whistled to herself happily, sipping hot cocoa and reading a book while curled up in a nest of blankets. Spike was in the kitchen making some prench toast with cinnamon. Twilight had fixed the weather all by herself yesterday, and was feeling her oats when a knock came on her door.
"Twilight? You in there Twilight?" The dulcet tones of Applejack reverberated in the hollow of the library tree.
"Yes, I am. Spike, please get the door," Twilight sang out.
"But, I'm in the middle of making..." Spike whined, clanging coming from the kitchen.
"It's just to let Applejack in," Twilight intoned melodiously.
"Fiiiiiine," Spike sighed.
The little dragon opened the door, and applejack entered, shaking herself vigorously to remove the water clinging to her skin. A quickly applied shield spell saved the books, and a hastily acquired red and white umbrella saved the young dragon from a soaking. But in her absent mindedness Twilight forgot to save herself. The young princess was dripping with water.
Applejack didn't seem to notice, her eyes wide with worry. "Twilight, you have ta help me"
"Slow down Applejack. What's wrong?" Twilight put on her number nine reasonable voice.
"The rain is what's wrong Twilight," Applejack's strained voice squeezed out.
"It seems like a rather pleasent rain..." Twilight said, confused and a little worried.
"Consarn it Twi, it's drowning my trees. It's fine here over in ponyville, but it's dumping sheets of water all across my farm. It's raining cats and dogs!" Applejack's announced this so quickly that her drawl made her words slur together.
"Twilight," Spike said
"Really?" Pinkie Pie drew out the word, rolling it in her mouth. It took nearly a minute for her to finish it.
"Oh those poor kittens and puppies" Fluttershy whispered.
"What in tarnation? where did you two come from!" Applejack asked.
"Well, I was just passing by and I heard you mentioning the cats and dogs and I thought 'wow I wonder where they got the tiny hot air balloons' and then I thought 'no, that's silly pinkie..." Pinkie started.
"It sure is." Applejack said.
"'they'd be using hoof powered gyrocopters instead!" Pinkie finished. There was a soft 'chuff' as Applejack and Twilight both sighed at the same time.
"Twilight." Spike said, attempting to get Twilight's attention. But she had other things on her mind.
"And you?" Twilight asked Fluttershy.
"Well.. um... well... The rain is falling kinda heavily on my cottage, it's really bothering Henrietta and Elizabeak. Mr Puddy Tat isn't very happy either. I was wondering if you could fix it... um... if it's alright with you?" Fluttershy shrunk backwards steadily as she spoke. By the end of it Applejack was directly between Fluttershy and Twilight.
"Twilight..." Spike said, an edge of worry creeping into his voice.
"HEY!" a voice echoed across ponyville "WHO'S BEEN MESSING WITH MY SKY?!" A rainbow colored streak danced across the sky multiple times, ricocheting off of clouds before smashing through a window and appearing in front of Twilight. "TWILIGHT! You gotta help me! I took a nap, and somepony started the rain that was supposed to happen next week early! And now I can't move any of the clouds. It's like they were put into place by some sort of awesome super pegasus, though of course they're less super at me... well at everything except cloud moving. I mean, I'm sure I can move these clouds I'm just... still weak from my nap! Yeah, that's it! Still weak from my nap!" The agitated Rainbow Dash darted from wall to wall, never staying in place more than a few moments.
"Now, girls, I'm sure it will blow over on it's own..." Twilight began.
"Pffft. Are you kidding Twilight? It's weather. It doesn't blow over. It needs a pegasus to fix it. Nice one though. Blow over. Weather. Hah! Mind if I use that next time I'm describing weather?" Rainbow dash asked.
"Twilight!" Spike shouted, now sounding a little alarmed.
"Yes Spike...?" Twilight started.
Rarity barged through the door, bowling over Pinkie Pie. "THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE THING!" Her imperious voice rocked ponyville. "MY ROOF! IT IS LEAKING!"
Twilight fell into a dejected heap. "Alright, alright. I get the point. I'll fix it." she moaned.
"TWILIGHT!" Spike shouted, before resorting to poking the dejected unicorn gently with a claw to get her attention. "Twi. Light." He insisted, giving her a poke with each stressed syllable for extra emphasis.
"Fine! It's all my fault! I'm sorry! Jeez Spike, I was going to tell them... just after I fixed it." Twilight admitted, bashfully.
"Not that! THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE!" Spike yelled back, waving his arms wildly.
"Great balls of fire girls! Stop it before it reaches the book girls!" Twilight commanded, enveloping a portion of the flames in a shield to starve it of air, Rarity quickly followed suit while Pinkie went for a seltzer bottle while Applejack and Rainbow dash stomped on the flames. Fluttershy directed Angel bunny, and the birds she could round up, in rescuing the scrolls that were in the kitchen from the blazing inferno.
A soot stained and slightly scorched alicorn put down the fire extinguisher, and stepped outside to fix the weather. She cracked her hooves. She cricked her head left then right. She bucked a couple of times in place, then she grinned. "Alright. Let's get this started."
She lept in the air, dancing from cloud to cloud, clearing them one by one. But it was exhausting! It had been much easier to start this little rainstorm than to stop it! Within an hour Twilight was panting and struggling. She stared at the sky. Nope. Still only a tenth cleared, at most. She scowled at the clouds, willing them to burst under her fiery command.
To her surprise, one did in a quick flash of blue! As an alicorn, her unicorn magic must work on clouds! She got a wicked idea. She would automate the weather so she wouldn't have to clear it all herself. She closed her eyes, and began to contemplate the correct spell matrix.
Suddenly a surge of energy, too much! Too much! A crack resounded, and a bolt of lightning struck the poor mare out of the sky!
It was the second day of what would eventually be known as hurricane Twilight. Rain pounded the streets, and hard wind whipped the lamp posts about like they were saplings. Twilight was recuperating in Nurse Redheart's office. "... And I just don't know what I did wrong. The spells and formula were all correct! The weather should have cleared up, now it's worse than ever!" She complained at a potted plant while Nurse Redheart shone a light into one of Twilight's eyes.
"mmm hmmm." She said, noncommittally.
"Rainbow Dash said she could clear it though. I guess I shouldn't worry too much about it." Twilight said, then she stuck out her tongue while Nurse Redheart stared into her mouth.
"mmm hmmm" Nurse Redheart said with a distinct lack of interest.
"Maybe I should go out there and help the..."
"No!" Redheart interrupted.
Twilight's eyes started to water at the implied insult.
Redheart swallowed her next words. Instead of saying "Haven't you done enough damage already" she switched gears. "Your wings will need a day or two to recover, and you've over siphoned your magic. I can't sign off on you doing anything today. Just let the pegasi work today, and if they can't handle it, you can have another shot at it tomorrow." Redheart attempted to sound compassionate.
"O.K" Twilight said, dejectedly.
It was the third day of what would eventually be known as hurricane Twilight. Ponies took shelter throughout Ponyville as the hash winds battered the town. Water flooded the streets, and a couple of wayward fish swam past Twilight's window. The pegasi had failed to fix the storm the night before.
Twilight groaned and slammed her face against the forelegs she had crossed in front of her on the bed. "Hoofstone" she swore. "Spike... I bucked up."
Spike brought some alfalfa pancakes up the stairs. "It's alright Twilight" He said comfortingly "I'm sure Princess Celestia will be perfectly willing to fix..."
"Princess Celestia? Oh no! Celestia's going to see my mistake! Oh no oh no!" Twilight sprung up from the bed and began running in small circles "Ohhh, she's going to kick me out, she's going to rescind my princess hood. She's going to take away my wings! and my Horn! And my Element! I'll be the first pony ever without any magic!" she ran into the wall, then landed heavily on her butt. "I'm going to fix it!"
"Twilight." Spike said.
"What, you think I can't?"
"It's not that Twilight." Spike, carefully.
"You think she already knows? I've got to hurry!" Twilight vanished in a flash of light, a pair of alfalfa pancakes still stuck to her flank.
Spike rubbed his face with his claws. "That alicorn really needs to learn how to listen" he muttered to himself. "She forgot to eat her pancakes."
It took Twilight several hours in the stacks at the Canterlot central library to find the formula and spells that she was looking at for research. She couldn't help but wonder why the other librarians and assistants kept snickering when she came by with a load of books. She didn't think 'Alicorn Weather Works of the Discordian Era' was that funny of a title for a book.
Still stuck to her flank, like a second cutie mark with butter and rich maple syrup, were two long forgotten alfalfa pancakes. With smily faces on them.
Finally, books in tow, she returned to Ponyville to study.
It was the fourth day of what would eventually be called Hurricane Twilight. Mayor Mare had given the evacuation orders as Ponyville slowly flooded. Twilight had no time to research as she and the other girls evacuated their houses and places of business, transferring their books, clothing, pastries, animals, and trees from Ponyville to 'doomsday bunkers' across Equestria. Twilight's designated bunker was near her house in Canterlot. The memories were simply a chaotic jumble in Twilight's mind.
Rarity crying on her couch, slapping at the arm of it. Her sobbing tears like tiny diamonds in the glint of the night as the wind spun carousel boutique like a demented carousel. Pinkie Pie leaping into the wind in a flying squirrel outfit. Rainbow Dash crying as her autographed Spitfire poster was stolen by the wind. Applejack cursing and shouting as the whole apple family got together to save the trees. Fluttershy having to be physically restrained from dashing into the everfree forest to rescue all the poor creatures within. And Twilight herself teleporting load, after load, of book from the rare books and journals selection of her library into the central library system in canterlot.
Now safe in her own bed, all she could do was collapse in frustration and uncertain sleep.
It was the fifth day of the events that would eventually be known as Hurricane Twilight. Twilight Sparkle sat in her bunker and read. Occasionally she got up from one of the books to sketch a formula, a collection of symbols, or a graph upon the walls of her bunker. Spike watched the unicorn intensely, occasionally bringing her food and water as needed.
It was the sixth day of what would eventually be known as Hurricane Twilight. Ponyville had been evacuated due to the unpredictability of the weather as it interacted with the Everfree forest. Cloudsdale was slowly propelling itself away from the inexorable storm front, and rain was starting to fall in Canterlot. Twilight emerged from her bunker under the library with a select load of books in her arms. "It took some research I think I've worked out how to fix it" She was surprised
"Good job Twi!" Shining armour said enthusiastically. "Now go out there and save the day!"
Once again Twilight stood down the flaring storm. She screamed out her defiance as she cast her power against the storm, the formula and spells pulled from her, swirling about her glowing form as a light from her horn pierced the heavens. There was a great flare of white, then everything went dark. A dark figure advanced on Twilight, barely visible as the light faded. Luna?
Twilight awoke in the hospital again, horn in a cast. She glanced out the window. The storm had gotten worse. Nopony was able to adequately explain who had brought Twilight's unconscious body to safety.
It was the seventh day of what was starting to be called, in hushed whispered tones, 'Hurricane Twilight.' Celestia had gotten wind of her student's failures, and to set the populace at ease she and Luna announced that they were going to work together, jointly, to fix the weather. Twilight watched from her hospital bed. They charged into the storm and then... Nothing. She almost missed the purple flash, dragging their water soaked, but still breathing, forms from the storm hours later.
It was the eighth day of what someponies were calling Hurricane Twilight. Ponyville had long since been flattened, and the evacuation of Cloudsdale was well underway as dark storm clouds harassed the pegasus city. Canterlot had the aura of a city under siege as ponies cowered in their storm shelters. Princesses Celestia and Luna had both tried and failed to fix the storm, and were now recovering in the very hospital Twilight had been staying at yesterday.
Princess Twilight barricaded herself in a library, sobbing disconsolately and refusing her friend's cajoling and efforts to help.
Spike had come first, offering to help her find the tomes she had needed. She had gently invited him in, hit the little dragon with a sleeping spell, and deposited him back into his bed with a carefully aimed teleport.
Pinkie Pie had come next. The party pony tried to give Twilight a cake, but Twilight was in no mood to celebrate. She teleported the cake out of Pinkie's hoofs and directly into the maw of the waiting storm. Pinkie had left in tears.
Rarity had been next, offering to help so long as she didn't get too dirty. Twilight had sent her on a wild goose chase for a fictitious book on weather control by Clover the Clever.
Applejack had approached Twilight's door, stinking of apples and honesty. She asked if maybe Twilight had considered using the elements. Twilight had screamed at her through the door until she left. it was her own mess, and her responsibility to fix.
Fluttershy had come silently in the dark, and startled Twilight in the stacks. Twilight's screaming as she fell from the ladder and landed on a pile of research had sent Fluttershy skittering for cover.
Rainbow had been the final ghost to visit in the night, streaking into the library to give Twilight an earful over hurting Flutter's feelings. Twilight tossed Rainbow Dash a book and asked her sternly to read it and take notes. Thanks to a subtly cast sleep spell, it had only taken five minutes for Rainbow Dash to nod off into the ample pages of taxes throughout the ages.
It was the eleventh day of what was being called Hurricane Twilight, when Princess Twilight emerged from the depths of the canterlot library, mane frayed and eyes bloodshot.
She glanced around at the worried crowd outside the door of worried friends and family. "I can fix it. Applejack. Rarity. Pinkie. Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy. Celestia. Luna. Cadence. Help me fix this."
The Elements of Harmony, and all three princes united stared down the growing storm. The ground shook and the sky split, and all of their poured their magic, their elements, and whatever they had at hand into stopping the horrendous event.
Several purple sparks danced around the storm, trying to clear it as well to no avail. Slowly the storm began to clear. Twilight grinned fiercely, pushing harder and harder.
In the royal garden a flash of lightning struck the statue of Discord, and all was lost.
It was the twenty seventh day of what was being referred to as Apocalypse Twilight. Flaming caramel rain fell upon the shattered countryside from clouds made of stars as solar flares licked the surface of Equestria. Under Shining Armour's dome, the Crystal Empire was flooded with refugees, and Princess Twilight had gone into exile in distant lands, no longer welcome among the equestrian ponies. The bowling ball sized star stones pelted the shield, and it was slowly fading with every blow. Cadence, Celestia and Luna sat in a disheveled mess as they evacuated what few ponies they could by teleportation. This was their last stand.
Many miles away, a tattered and ragged purple unicorn was sitting in a tent in the wilderness, lost in thought. Across her mind flitted all her failures, and images of the past. It had gone wrong that second day, she knew, when there had been too much power, coming from too many places. Something had ripped her control away from her, forcing her runes and symbols into alien forms. She knew how to fix it. She had to go back, and help herself craft the spell to make sure it was right. It was the only way to fix this. She turned back to the red wax sigils covering the walls of the tent, and sliced a small wound into her muzzle, then allowed a single drop of blood to fall.
A wave of time magic enveloped the world.
It was the first day of the series of events that would eventually be referred to as Hurricane Twilight. Rain drizzling down on ponyville from the accidentally immobile clouds Twilight had enchanted into position the day before.
Twilight Sparkle watched herself watching herself watching herself emerge, scorched and sooty, from her treehouse. "This time" each of the time traveling Twilights individually thought to themselves, aware only of the ones that had come before and not thinking to calculate for any who may come after. "This time I won't screw it up."
Locked in chains of her own desires for perfection, afraid to seek help due to her own shyness and petty fears, and blinded to the consequences of failure by her pride, Twilight Sparkle has found herself trapped in a repeating hell of her own making. A hell shared by her closest neighbors: Herself, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Twilight and other copies of herself. She has become a permanent resident of... the Twilight Zone.
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Your punctuation is sloppy and your capitalization is very hit-and-miss. Fix it.
It's not a good story, your pacing is off, your grammar is worse. The story is distasteful when in return has so much potential. The beginning was cluttered and the ending was messy. This story is really bad and needs help.
On the contrary...My deepest apologies if that hurt your feelings, I know you tried but it's pacing really takes away from it.
I didn't really spend much time on this one. I guess it shows
5654709 Yeah, you should never attempt too rush a story and think it will get praise.....
5654778
I wasn't expecting praise. I was expecting it to not be 'shitting pants in public' levels of bad. Earnestly, given the reason and conditions under which it was written, I should not be as surprised as I am that it was actively bad. Hopefully I have fixed that
I bid thee good day, citizen, and pray that I find thee in good health. I have come to provide thee with mine own thoughts concerning thy fic, as I have done over the past few days for a number of other authors. I would warn thee that I shall not blunt my commentary merely for the sake of preserving thy dignity. Thick skin is something an author should develop early, so that she mayeth weather criticism such as the kind I shall level against thee. However, also note that I will not go out of my way to debase thee, or thy work.
With all that said, let us be off!
And what have we here but a weather report for the very first sentence. Author, thou wouldst do well to avoid opening lines like this. They do little to catch and hold the reader’s attention, which is exactly what an opening sentence must do.
Oh, dear. This passage smacketh of thesaurus abuse, and badly at that. Although thine use of vocabulary is technically correct, stylistically, it serveth merely to confuse the reader and pull her from the story. Thou needest to consider thine audience. Half of thy readers will not know what “gormless” meaneth, and the other half will think it some term out of Warhammer.
Also, “higgledy piggledy” soundeth odd in mine ears, but ‘tis more of a subjective issue than an objective one. I suggest that thou avoidest such terms, but ‘tis thy business.
Er… is this a joke? The “Twilight Zone” because she is “Twilight Sparkle”? Very well, if thou wishest. Kindly take note of my extremely dubious tone of voice.
‘Tis unacceptable to skip over significant plot points such as this, unless thou hast a particular reason for doing so. How did Twilight fix the weather? What did everything look like when she did so? What happened immediately thereafter? By skipping this scene, thou leavest thy readers “in the lurch”, so to speak.
Regardless, Twilight hath “fixed” the weather, and now sitteth wrapped in a blanket, having a drink and a read. Then, ‘lo! Who should appear but fair Applejack.
I have noticed that, thus far, thou hast neglected to provide much in the way of descriptions of characters. Such narrative is necessary, so that the reader can deduce how each character feeleth. The previously quoted passage, for example, provideth virtually no clues whatsoever as to Twilight’s thoughts and emotions when Applejack endangereth the books. Methinks her eyes would go wide, her blood would run cold when she realizeth that her precious books are in danger.
No! Author, no! I say thee ‘neigh’ (a bit of horse humor for thee)! ‘Tis simply unacceptable to skip over important narrative points, such as the arrival of two characters. Even if thou wishest to have them appear suddenly, as though from nowhere, thou needest must describe it as such. ‘Twould also do thy story well to describe Applejack’s shock at their surprise appearance.
Moving on, thou hast Fluttershy explaineth why she needeth Twilight’s help. Do note that thou showest her shrinking back. I do believe that by this point, dear Fluttershy is comfortable enough around all of her friends that she would not fear speaking to them.
As Spike attempteth to garner Twilight’s attention, Rainbow Dash appeareth. She hath noticed (finally? A whole day hath passed, but oh well) that somepony hath tampered with the weather, but for some odd reason, is unable to change it. I find it difficult to believe that Twilight Sparkle, not even qualified to be called a novice at weather management, could do something that Rainbow Dash, an alleged expert, could not un-do. Perhaps thou meanest to say that, by virtue of being an alicorn, every act of Twilight’s is better than a similar act committed by a pegasus or a unicorn (aka alicorn master race). Again, however, this may be more of a subjective issue than an objective one.
Rarity appeareth (apparently, her roof hath a leak), and now the gang’s all here. Suddenly, a new problem croppeth up—there is a fire in the kitchen! Why is there a fire in the kitchen? Because reasons! When something happeneth, author, thou needest provide some sort of context that explaineth why.
Anyway, after Twilight extinguisheth the fire, she steppeth out to fix what she hath created. ‘Tis unfortunately too difficult for her to do the normal way, so she attempteth to use her magic. After all, what could go wrong?
Day two findeth Twilight recuperating in the hospital. Thy depiction of Nurse Redheart is a bit… odd. She nearly biteth off Twilight’s head, only keeping her tongue in check at the very last second.
As thou beginst day three, we find Twilight once more at home. Apparently, Ponyville is several feet underwater. Twilight leaveth again to research a solution (which methinks is what she would have done in the first place, but again—OH WELL). Further, ‘tis a bit much of thee to ask the reader to believe that Twilight noticeth not pancakes attached to her person.
Ponyville already is flooded. ‘Tis a bit too late for that, now.
Also, ‘twould be far better to write out the scene in which the mayor proclaimeth a state of emergency.
So Equestrians everywhere go to designated “doomsday bunkers”… okay. I feel as though a lot of thy story hath left me saying, “’tis awkward and hard to believe, but if thou wishest it that way, fine”. Perhaps one or two moments in a single story can be glossed over, but thou hast far too many for comfort.
And by mine own majesty, this section is pretty dark. Naught but desolation everywhere. Thou even hintest that the animals in the Everfree Forest are dying as Twilight saveth her personal belongings, rather than try to fix her mess.
And that is where I draw the line. No, I shall not accept this stretch of character. Yes, Twilight loveth her books. But dost thou know what Twilight loveth more?
Not being responsible for the deaths of literally everyone in Equestria!
NO!
Yes, we know that. Thou told us this about a thousand words ago.
No, ‘twas not I. If I had known who was responsible for this catastrophe, I would have appeared before her much sooner and beaten her to death.
Why in a cast? What possible affliction could require that the doctor placeth Twilight’s horn in a cast? Did it snap in half? If so, a cast will not do much good, will it?
On day seven, Celestia and myself finally learn what hath occurred and attempt to end the storm ourselves. This maketh no sense. Days ago, Ponyville flooded, a scenario that should never occur in a world where the weather is almost entirely controlled. We would have long since known about this.
Then, as another day cometh, Twilight barricadeth herself in a library and simply sobbeth to herself, because this is helpful. Later, the Elements are brought out, but they, too, fail to stop the hurricane. As the days pass, Twilight is finally shunned, but as she sitteth out in the middle of nowhere, she decideth to go back in time to try to make things right. This is thy “twist”, that everything goes wrong because another Twilight hath come back and thrown off the original Twilight’s calculations.
I would ask how the loop began in the first place if the only reason for her mistake was a future Twilight’s interference, but I will admit that I no longer care. I finally read thine author’s note about how this is a comment on the way so many fics begin with a weather report, and still find such an opening unacceptable.
Although my blinding rage is far from satiated, I shall restrain myself and simply provide my final thoughts. First is that many of thy characters act very oddly, such as Twilight abandoning Equestria for a day simply to rescue her books. ‘Tis very unsettling to see such out-of-character moments.
Secondly, I noted that at least half of the characters did almost nothing and had almost no characterization at all. Take Rarity, for instance. It seemeth as though thou includest her simply because she is “part of the gang”. ‘Tis not a justifiable reason.
Thou also shouldst balance each day better. In particular, the short days need to be expanded so they do not stand out in such stark contrast to the longer days.
And finally, thou needest a proofreader, and badly. I noted a great many errors, from capitalization to incorrect dialogue formatting, each of which threateneth to pull the reader out of the story.
I believe that I have covered most of the major problems. ‘Twas a bit frustrating at times (as thou hast determined already, I do not doubt) simply because many of the events made no sense. If thou wishest to improve thy fic, I highly suggest that thou considerest the feasibility of all of the inconsistencies that I pointed out.
Farewell, and good luck with thy future writing endeavors.