Fallout Equestria: The Kingdom of Ice

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Comments ( 5 )

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Luna-tic

Luna-tic #1 · Feb 23rd, 2015 · · · Chapter 1 - Stable 57 ·

*Clap clap clap* YAY! *whistle*

Tetragrammaton

Tetragrammaton #2 · Feb 25th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1 - Stable 57 ·

Seems I'm the first one to actually write something about this story.
Sorry I'm late though...

First: formality
- the paragraphs look really good. They're not small so that it may seem you hadn't ideas and they're not too big (except for very few) so the readers won't get that wall-of-text-feeling. Overall just great.

- there are some errors with capitalization. Remember to capitalize every word on a sentence's beginning. Each and any time.

- that one phrase

I had to fix her computer 3 times.

I would recommend not writing numbers as numbers. It looks weird. Would you write "I'm the the 2. son/daughter of my parents"? Write

I had to fix her computer three times.

instead. Same thing with all the other numbers.

And now for the story as a story:
- I like the characterization of Violet Dawn, although I don't get why she was "originally supposed" tobe the overmare. If the overmare is elected, there has to be a reason Daisy became the overmare. If it is by birthright, there's no way Violets has been "originally supposed" to be the overmare.

The rest... well it's the start-up for a story, so I can't say much about it. Although it seems quite strange that Silver Light is the only pony knowing things about computers in the whole stable. Why does Silver know that or who taught it? And if she knows all that stuff solely from books, why aren't there any other ponies who do the same? Solely for practical reasons. Because if Silver is ill or hurt and can't move for a couple of days, they're all screwed.

Skullbuster

Skullbuster #3 · Feb 25th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1 - Stable 57 ·

5669151

thank you for your feed back, I'll see if I can go back and go into more detail about the overmare selection process. and I made a mention that Silver makes a comment that not many ponies besides the other technicians, implying there are other computer ponies out there. did i not make that clear enough?

AlmanacP