Button has just arrived from Manehatten to live with is mom in his new house in Ponyville because his Dad got a new job as a Game Designer for Neightendo in Canterlot all he has from his last life is his friend Prokun and his former crush Babs Seed not expecting to make any friends in Ponyville he shuts him self off from the world until he meets Sweetiebelle and the Cutie Mark Crusaders Applebloom, Scootaloo, Rumble, Dinky Whooves, and Snowdrop and everything starts to change for the better for him as he falls in love with Sweetiebelle
Chapters (15)
I love the pic sooo cute
I think this is a good story! But you might want to separate the lines when somepony else talks.
Example:
And it would help the readers understand more if you put a little more detail in the chapters, I had the same problem!
But other than that I think the story will be great!! Good luck on the next chapter!
Thank You! it's great to hear constructive pointers
5629476
This story has a lot of problems, I'm afraid. Before I go into them, though, there's a couple of things I need to ask:
(1) How old are you? If you don't want to give an exact age, just tell me whether you've graduated high school (or college) yet, or are still in middle or elementary school.
(2) Is English your native language?
I'm 15 and not really I know Spanish
Ok I have not red this story yet, but from the description I don't see any thing that leads to gore, and why is there no romance tag?
I haven't gotten to that part yet! Man there's only three chapters and i'm staring them on a light note
Rocking out to these songs when i was writing the chapters
,
, and this
very hard too understand what's happening
Diamond Tiara is pink, not grey
Silver Spoon has a spoon for a cutie mark
K let me give you the jist of it Button and his mom arrive in Ponyville leving is best friend and former crush back in Manehatten he finds out his friend is going to be moving in to the same neighborhood as Button. Button unpacks and that's the end of chapter one
well i'm sorry I just got introduced into the universe so I don't know everyone perfectly I try to us the ones I know
so Rumbleloo and Button Belle so far.
It just doesn't feel right to me. Like it's a bit rushed. Keep it to one action per sentence
In that first sentence there are 2 actions. Button's family walking off the train and then them getting greeted. Like I said before don't rush it and use a bit more description this is supposed to be fun for you and your readers.
K thanks! every tip helps!
5633833 make sure you use the double arrow to let the person know that you're responding to them
>>Rainboom424 Yes and I will be adding more in the sequels
5633708 ah ok then.
Also do you know how to reply a comment? See the button in the top right corner of the box looks like this >>
>> MR mustash Nooooo
Cool! But in the other chapter it looks like a few words are missing. Really good job! I can send you a pic of my OC but it will have to wait until tomorrow, I'm on my I pod and its 8:30 so... Yeah lol! Keep up the good work!
5633305
Okay, first off -- to reply to someone so that they get a notification of your reply, hover your mouse pointer over that person's message. You will see a little button appear in the upper-right corner of their message, with a >> symbol inside it. (Actually, the button is always there, but it's a very light grey against white when you're not hovering over it, so it can be hard to see.) Click that button. It will automatically paste >> followed by a number into the space where you type your message reply – be careful not to alter or delete that! That is a link back to the post you're replying to; when you post your comment, the system will automatically notify them that you replied to them, and convert it to >>Person'sName instead of the number.
Typing >> followed by their name will not work. You must use the button in the corner of the message you're replying to.
Anyway:
Which would make you a high-school freshman or sophomore (9th or 10th grade), then.
Okay, does that mean your native language is Spanish, and English is a second language to you? Or does that mean your native language is English, but you also know some Spanish?
If English is your native language, then for someone in high school, I'm afraid your grammar and spelling really needs a lot of work. (Well, it needs a lot of work, period, but the errors would be somewhat more forgiveable for a non-English speaker.) Here are your biggest problems:
First: Run-on sentences. A run-on sentence is... well, your story description is a prime example of it. This:
is really four separate sentences, at least, and all of them are complex sentences with multiple clauses that need to be separated by commas.
(Note also the spelling corrections. "Himself" is one word, not two; "game designer" should not be capitalized; and "Sweetie Belle" is two words. Technically, "Apple Bloom" is also supposed to be two words, but a lot of authors spell it as a single word, so it can go either way.) Having multiple sentences jammed together with no separation makes your story sound like it's being narrated by Pinkie Pie after downing a six-pack of Red Bull, and makes it hard to follow.
Every sentence must begin with a capital letter, and every sentence must end with the appropriate punctuation mark. (Period, exclamation point, question mark, etc.)
Second: When writing dialogue, the rule is "new speaker, new paragraph." Example:
must be written as
(Again, also note the added punctuation and capitalization.)
The only time it is acceptable to combine dialogue from multiple speakers in the same paragraph is if you are intentionally trying to give the impression of multiple people talking over each other all at once, such as a crowd's reaction to a sudden event, where it isn't important who actually said what. For any kind of conversation between two or more characters, whenever one character stops talking and the other starts, you must start a new paragraph.
Third: Your verb tenses are all over the map. Taking the above example again:
Another example:
You cannot mix past and present tenses like this. Pick one or the other:
Past tense is generally preferred, although present-tense can be made to work if you stick with it consistently. (It is possible to combine them in a single story, by having some scenes written in present tense, and some in past tense, if you're trying to show some scenes as happening "now" while other scenes are flashbacks to "before now." My story, Light the Sky on Fire, uses this narrative device – but it generally works better in a 1st-person narrative than in 3rd-person.)
(Try cuttin' back on th' coffee. Then ya won't be so "tense" all the time.)
(That joke never gets old for you, does it, Applejack.)
(Nnnope.)
Fourth:
Don't use numbers. Write them out.
The only exception is if you're dealing with an extremely large and precise number, such as 1,771,561 or 1.618033988749 – but that's more likely something you'd find in non-fiction writing, such as a textbook. And even then, if the number is being spoken as dialogue –
"Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately three thousand seven hundred and twenty to one!"
"Never tell me the odds."
– you would still normally spell it out in full.
Fifth: When a character's dialogue is followed by an attribution that tells the reader who said the dialogue and how (also called a "dialogue tag"), both the dialogue and the tag are considered one sentence, not two, and must be written as follows:
(A) If the character's dialogue would end with a period if it were a stand-alone sentence, you must use a comma, instead of a period:
(B) The first word of the dialogue tag (the part following the closing quote mark) is never capitalized, unless it's someone's name (or the pronoun "I", which is always capital.)
(C) If the character's dialogue ends with some other mark, such as a ? or !, you use those as usual, but the tag is still part of the same sentence and the dialogue and capitalized according to (B), above.
So:
Also, it's bad form to follow one character's dialogue with another character's actions, especially if there's nothing to indicate which character is speaking. This:
Really needs to be written like this:
These are your most serious problems, as far as grammar goes. You also need to be careful with your spelling, especially with homophones (words that sound alike but are spelled differently, like "strait" vs. "straight") and the mis-use of 's where you should only have an s. (Such as "get's" vs. "gets". "Gets" is the third-person singular present-tense form of the verb "get"; "get's" is a possessive meaning "something which belongs to the get", which is nonsense.) You also have a lot of missing words, such as "what if she likes or maybe she's just being nice", or "it will my mom off my back", and a lot of places where words are just randomly capitalized in the middle of a sentence.
If you're writing this on a phone or tablet, then my advice to you is: don't. The auto-complete and auto-correct "features" on those devices will sabotage you far more than they will help you. Sit down in front of a real PC, with a real word processor – and don't rely on the spell-checker. A spell-checker can only tell you if what you wrote is a word; it can't tell you whether it's the right word.
As far as the story itself goes: First off, the chapters are far too short. There's too little detail to engage the reader's interest, and everything is so rushed that the events have no impact and the characters' actions are not believable. You need to aim for two or three thousand words per chapter, not a few hundred.
Show, don't tell. Sentences like this:
are you (the author) "telling" me (the reader) things directly, and it's something that should be avoided whenever possible because it makes for dry, uninteresting reading. Show it, by the characters' actions and dialogue.
Your unfamiliarity with the source material really shows, unfortunately. Snowdrop, for example, cannot be a member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, for two reasons: One, she lived in Cloudsdale, not Ponyville; and two, she lived over a thousand years ago, before Luna's banishment as Nightmare Moon. You also have characters acting a bit out of character – although a lot of that comes from the rushed pacing and lack of detail I mentioned above. (Diamond Tiara goes from bullying him to "I want him!" in the space of one sentence? No. Just, no.) I would suggest doing some more research into the characters, and their established histories and personalities, before just randomly throwing them together just because those are the only characters you know the names of.
Here are some examples of what you should be aiming for:
Breaking the Sound Barrier
On the Application of Time and Motion Efficiency Studies to Initial Relationship Formation
The Gift of the Mash
A Taste of the Good Life
Plural Possessive
Best of luck!
I understand how you feel the first story is super nerve wreaking
I haven't even submitted mine yet I'm so nervous!
I just woke up so no writing right now but later
5635257 well i'm sorry i don't know English that well!
I think you may need these
link 1
link 2
5636264 Thanks but no thanks I think i'm fine
5634871 Thanks for the tips this maybe hard to write more then one thousand word in one chapter because well i'm writing another story besides this one that has nothing to do with MLP so yeah if yuo want you can read it here's the link
What the heck?! What is with the down votes!? Sure the chapters a short but they aren't bad!
5636471 People just like to hate they like to be nitpickers
I don't think this is bad, it just needs work.
5636961 Thank You
Um... I think you're rushing your story a bit. There seems to be only a bit of dialogue and not really anything is going on. Perhaps you should push these chapters more together instead of separating them every time there's a different scene. I know, it's a hard habit to break, but it will help, I promise.
5638697 I usually don't write like this here's a link read this, that is what I usually write like
First of all . . . FIRST!
5640902 wait what?
Second. Buttons friend is here
yay
Third . . . DIAMOND TIARA I AM GONNA KILL YOU AFTER THIS.
5640910 first comment.
5640917 ohh...
I have a feeling that you're gonna ship yourself with Snowdrop.
5641457 nope Snowdrop is way too nice i'll pair her with an OC that I'll make up his name will be Crimson Sun a unicorn
5641537 ok, where did you get the cover art?
5641658 from here
Cool! I like where this story is headed! Here is my OC you don't have to use it if you don't want to.
th06.deviantart.net/fs70/200H/f/2014/227/1/2/wheather_by_scootloo99-d7vbh72.png
Her name is Sea Swirl.
and I have more OC's if you don't like that one. They are on my Deviant page.
http://scootloo99.deviantart.com/gallery/51552167/OC-s
5641801 I have a good idea where she will go I think she will the class president
5641813 Cool!!! Thanks!
Well, I think diamond's plan back fired.
After rewriting the story because my computer acted stupid chapter nine is finally up! yes!
Ok, that ummm, happened?
that was a bit to quick for me
5642839 sorry my computer acted stupid and I kind of rushed it a bit