Ponyville is preparing for Derpy's wedding, but a dark cloud appears to darken the whole event as a disease strikes Dinky
Will Derpy be able to save her daughter before its too late?
picture is made by Money_bags
every comment is welcome
just keep in mind this is only my first story
and have absolutely no idea how to do it properly
about to completely reedit it
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>Dat image
I hate to tell you this, it's pretty bad IMO.
Your retelling the same scenes several times over, but nothing about the scenes have changed due to the new POV. You need to work them into one scene, told only once. Telling a scene twice fron different POV ONLY works when the 2 tellings take place at different points in the story AND the POV's are very different. Like a robbery told by the POV of the victim, then later by the crook.
Next you repeat at least three times some six totally nonsensical lines that just happen to rhyme badly. I assume these were spoken by Zecora, yet you never say and at least once you use it, Zecora isn't even there yet. Zecora does talk in rhyme mostly, although she is seen not using rhyme in "A Friend in Deed" episode. BUT she still talks fairly direct, not in metaphors or just plain mumbo-jumbo. When asked about a cure to horn-rot, IMO she would say something like "A cure I know, this is true. If Twilight stays and helps me brew."
You also never actually show Zecora or Twilight making or giving a cure, you just flop from Derpy passing out at Zecora's to Dinky waking up cured the next morning. As far as I know (as a reader) Dinky could of just had a bad cold, or Celestia, Luna or even Harry Potter doing a cameo could have cured her.
Other major plot holes are Twilight would never go to Zecora first, she would consult her books and contact Celestia first. This is not due to a lack of trust in Zecora, but Twilights own personality. She BELIEVES she can find the answers to any problems in her books, and if not I see her contacting Celestia first mainly because she has a direct line to her via Spike. Derby leaving the side of her sick daughter also doesn't seem right. They knew where Zecora was, and there were other ponies that were willing to find her. The only way I see Derby going would be 1) if they didn't know were Zecora was and had to search a large area, or 2) if no other pony was willing to go.
Grammar is bad, your very first word (all) of the story isn't capitalized. Sentence structure is bad, many sentences are fragmentary or badly worded. It's Sweetie Belle, not Sweety Belle, Spice TRIKKLE, what is a Trikkle? Next is your use of elipses, they are 3 periods AND A SPACE.
Example “Dinky...take care...of your mother” should be “Dinky... take care... of your mother”.
Sometimes, you remind us almost every other word who's talking. but mostly you leave the readers guessing at the dialogue.
BUT one of your biggest proplems is with the concept of "Show, don't Tell." This is what makes a story worth reading. whenever possible the actions of the characters should be telling the story, not your narrative
Both Chapters run cocurrently, yet with almost no differences. both end on the same quasi-cliffhanger. combine into one, cut out the repeated scenes, flesh it out to show not infer actions (like Dinky's cure) and SHOW, don't tell!
Learn to spell check.
i'm not even watching this anymore, cuz i totaly rewrote it, and it can be found on my deviantart page
http://night3y3s.deviantart.com/
so, stop complaining please