Are you ready, kids? Also a thingy so my pizza funds don't run out anytime soon.
I didn't have much to live for. Actually, living was my biggest problem. I didn't see much of a point to it. That is, until a certain surprise from the past opens itself up in the present.
Written for the My Little Dashie prompt for the Most Dangerous Game 2 Contest.
Big thanks to Magello and Door Matt for all their help!
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God, that was depressing. Phew. Got through it though... you know, with more or less of my manlihood than i started. How many tears does it take to have completely lost the right to be a man?
ANYHOW, nice story!!
Well...that took a dark turn.
Nice story though.
Well, that was sad.
Nice.
That is certainly a heart string tugger.good job, and best of luck in the contest
I'M NOT OK. I WAS GOING TO BE FINE UNTIL THAT LINE. GOD BOB GAAAAAAAAAAH
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There was just one grammar mistake with a speaking part.
But besides that, you did a very well job of hiding that his daughter died for the most part. Like, until you said the green light part. I didn't cry either, but it did leave me with a sad impression. I also don't really see how this connects with My Little Dashie.
Nine out of ten Spikes.
5545675
just because you cry doesn't mean you lose your manliness.
I mean, it is just liquid pride.
5546270 *sniffle* Y...Yeah. I g-guess your r-right...
...
*continues sobbing*
Fuck, my eyes.
This was really well done.
Good job, Spongemaster,
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I am so very, very glad you did not listen to me and go with the bad end.
I am very, very happy this ends the way it does.
Fucking beautiful, Bob. You fucking bastard. Making me cry like this...
My Little Dashie is a piece of shit compared to this story. An utter piece of shit. Why? Because this story is about genuine pain, depression, regret, guilt, self-forgiveness, and healing. My Little Dashie is a story about a whiny protagonist who keeps a sentient being hostage in his house for years because he's too much of a pussy to do the right thing. Sorry, RobCake, Bob has you beat to Hell and back.
In my Top Favorites forever.
Very nice bob. That was a sweet, and tear-jerking tale.
Tearjerker in the worst sense. You could've only made that more melodramatic if someone's puppy had died.
Your story is broken. About three-quarters of the way through, all the words turned into a gray blur. Also, I think it broke my eyes as well. They won't stop leaking.
I reviewed this story. You can find my review here.
5549332
Gosh, TD, you could have at least had bought me dinner first. :V
5549351
Well, I liked most of the other entries even less, if that's any comfort to you.
Really the story was fine, it just didn't really resonate with me very much. Possibly because I'm a cold-hearted bastard.
5549375 Possibly? I thought it was confirmed...
5549375
i.imgur.com/DCnwZom.jpg
5549351 Should have made it darker.
The darkest.
Then you would have gotten all the titty dragons you wanted.
This was a rather well-toned story for its length, consistent all the way through and with an interesting perspective. I've always been a bit of a sucker for unreliable narration and a more psychological slant to whatever, so whatever, but ignoring my bias, this was still quite a good piece overall. The twist started to become clear to me by the mid-point, perhaps a bit too soon, perhaps not. It's hard to say because with stories of this nature and length, the more time we have to travel with the character, the more anything relevant affects us as a reader.
I think you did a fantastic job setting him up and calling us to his nature from the very get go; it was very easy to understand his character and in fact, at times, I think you overstated it too much because the execution of the scenes were so clear that I could have a firm grasp of him without needing to be explicitly told how disgusting and cumbersome he is.
The ending, as well, was paced finely, and worked well to carry on the reveal which came surprisingly early. His decision to change is also a really nice feelgood ending that doesn't necessarily have to be special in order to be pleasant. No qualms there.
However, I did find a slight issue with the central bits of the story, and quite possibly the most important part of it, too: Dash's conversation with... well. I'm gonna call him Spolub. And it's not because I thought it was bad or anything. I just found it a waste of an opportunity to do much more. See, the point of the whole conversation is not JUST to give exposition. You got that out of the way. That's true. But out of all the random quips that Dash made, there was really nothing forcing the truth out of Spolub other than his own self-admittance. Sure, one could make the argument that the doll's sight made him remember and focus on the accident, but at the same time, you had a device there that would have been BEAUTIFUL if he could use 'Dash' as a method to force himself to see the truth, or come to terms. He should be arguing with her. Dash should have been asking the hard questions, not just randomly saying how fun parties are (another issue I have; there's no indication that Spolub would have ever know certain details. The doll only knows what he knows, after all, and there just wasn't enough context for me to assume that he knows about the show ABOVE not, especially when you establish he doesn't know his ass from a hole in a cloud).
My point here is that it was difficult as hell for Spolub to admit anything in the first place. The months have worn him down. It takes a bit more than just a glance at a doll to bring him to the final state. Even a little bit of 'I have to fight myself' would be very much welcome here. Something very active, and something very challenging. In what you have, Dash simply acts as a sort-of thing that generally 'steers' the story to where it's meant to go without actually actively engaging with the primary dude. Even at the end, where she repeats 'where's Sam', I find particularly ineffective because this is something that is already on his mind without him having to be reminded. He was already offering the information freely.
That said, I do think this is one of the more interesting re-imaginings of My Little Dashie. It's a particularly creative take that departs from the original. I'm not sure if it's departing too much, contest-wise, but that's not really my business. I do find it interesting that the focus of the emotional connect of Spolub isn't with the doll necessarily, but rather with someone else. Of course, going back to what I said earlier, you could have in fact had it both ways by having Dash be a proxy for his daughter, even, and have him argue with her only for us to find that he was trying to reconcile with his daughter THROUGH the doll. Maybe he should have even apologized to the doll itself, and at that moment the doll falls completely silent, indicating that there are still some things in life that can't be answered by anyone but ourselves and our consciences.
Anyway, good luck with the competition. I think this might have a chance of breaking through at least top of the category, maybe. Who knows? Either way, sorry for the long comment. I mind-vomited a bit. I blame all the beer and pretzels. All the best to you.
Bonus: Some nasty little mini errors I noticed while gleaning.
5559582
Hot diggity damn, that's the best review I think I've ever gotten. You should get paid for this. I'd offer, but all I have is Bitcoins, and I'm not too much of a cruel son of a bitch to put that on you. In any event, this is all good advice I'll take to heart to improve myself and thus claim the title of Fimfic Fic Master. With my sword the site's tyranny shall never be safe, and once and for all the good fics shall arrive, as prophesied.
In any event, you're hella awesome.
5561956
Yeah. Dogecoins all the way, you bastich.
Not if I get there first.
Oh, who am I kidding. I'll settle for the title of 3rd floor janitor.
I've been waiting 3 years for that to happen. Have you read "NO SPIKE NO" yet, from the contest entries? You really should.
No, YOU are! *girl squeal*
In any case, stay spludgy, Rainbow. We don't talk nearly as enough as we should.
Fuck.
This wasn't about Sargon of Akkad finding Celestia.
Bob y
That said, this story seemed to move pretty quickly, too quickly, even. The transition felt rather abrupt and out of place.
oh fuck dude D:
It feels a little rushed, but I did like the plot.