(Major spoilers in comments warning: Please avoid looking at comments to avoid spoilers!)
The production models served as 'companion' units. They provided tender love and caring to people that can't seem to get that from other people. The first version of the first model had a catchy nickname, 'Dash' or 'Dashie', that ended up getting adopted by the whole staff. Of course, the company planned Dash as merely the first of a whole set of bio-mechanical creatures, the later versions looking more humanoid.
In many ways, she worked beyond the company's wildest expectations. Everyone seemed to love her rainbow mane, her fluffy wings, her muscular hooves, and her infectious smile. They programmed her to love them back, of course. Still, the company had one fundamental problem. Dashe kept acting like she was real.
I wrote this for several reasons. First, I was recently banned by Poultron. So, I wrote a fanfic letting out the negative energy. Second, it's a sort of 'spiritual side-quel' to my story Love Can't Be Programmed. Third, I've been obsessed with Blade Runner lately. Fourth, I've always wanted to do my response to My Little Dashie. Thanks to Lucefudu for editing help. And thanks to everyone for reading.
789909
Glad that you like it!
So, ah... it's a rough draft right now. Anything that you'd change?
Also, what would you have under the 'short description' section? Right now, I don't have one for this fic.
I cant cry dam...
789986
It's okay, bro. We can try together.
fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/346/2/c/crying_derpy_by_keanno-d4ixrdo.gif
In all seriousness, I did feel teary while writing this story as well as thinking it up.
789918 well besides the bloc of text you spent allot of time with one of the people and only like 2 seconds with one person granted that one person was into bdsm but still.
789986 i know that feel bro
790003
Yeah, I need to fix the formatting. I hate going from Microsoft Word to fimfiction.
I also thought about expanding the mid-section so that we'd see the in-betweens where Dashie confronts Dr. Michaels as well as when she works in a hospital as a 'care-pony unit'. Also, maybe having some more stuff about her life with Liam and how he fell in love back with her.
I might do that in the next version of this rough draft. The thing is: I don't want to make this story too long, though, or else people just won't read it.
790021 to long wont read
what do these words mean
they scare me
Their owners have to become a part of them, sort of like how your own Google Android system is a part of you.”
I like this future....a lot.
And what's up with everyone being so sweaty?
Also, Oh, the tears! THE TEARS!
I can see how this links in with Love cannot be Programmed.
790021
The thing is if anypony doesn't want to read based on the word count, then they should be graced with reading your story.
I haven't even started reading and I'm already liking this story. I can already tell that it touches on a certain subject that I'm very fond of thinking about; what is a conscience?
Note: I am writing this as I read. Also, I'm a lazy faggot (with a sore eye) and I'd rather read on FiMFiction with the dark background and white letters.
There is a wall of text that nearly stops me from enjoying this story. You could either double-hit the Return key or indent new paragraphs (or both for bonus points!).
One thing you always do right on your stories, Swiper, is to give us a nice description of the background and the ambiance each character find themselves in. This is strangely lacking a bit on this fanfic, even though I myself could picture where they were standing... a few more details would be nice. Also, physical descriptions of the characters; you do them magnificently during clop scenes (which is great, by the by), but I also find a distinct lack of them in this fanfic (on some particular parts {mainly in-between dialogs}, not throughout the entire fanfic and, they are more present than the scenery descriptions). And onto a more unrelated note; Depeche Mode
Ah, another point of interest, somewhat related to the topic of consciousness; artificial intelligence and A.I.. I have to say, Swiper; I'm not even halfway through and you already exceeded my expectations and preconcepts! I don't know if it was intentional or not, but the descriptions of Dashie's feelings and actions feel robotic. I'm unsure about whether I liked this or not, because although it gives a nice, unique feel to the story, it also bothers me a little, making me unable to focus on the story for a long time (but enough to rest in-between "chapters").
I have to say that the ending itself could've been better... I mean- it is good, but it could've had something more built before it as a base that would make the ending really epic. Maybe "enlarge" the fanfic, adding more examples with happy Dashie, sad Dashie, worried Dashie; etc. The point of this fanfic is to convey emotions to the reader in a realistic way, so the story as a whole would benefit from winning 4-7k words more. But, it isn't just the ending... this fanfic from the very start had a sad undertone to it. Of course, this might just be me and the fact that I question machines' and A.I.'s existence/feelings/consciousness/etc. Because- damn, if a thing can think for itself (and this story's Dashie could, to an extent), it should be allowed freedom and all everything we humans preach being necessary for ourselves. It may be artificial, but still- it has feelings.
And yes, I'll talk a little about feelings. You could say that machines don't have them, and to that I'd have to say that you're partially correct.
A machine has its "thinking module" (for the sake of the argument, let's pretend that it's this simple!), which, upon certain stimuli, generates a complex answer to those stimuli. Said answer (or reaction) is made itself known by physical differences on the machine as a whole. But still- its "thinking module" alone cannot feel.
A human has its brain, which, upon certain stimuli, generates a complex answer to those stimuli. Said answer (or reaction) is made itself known by physical differences on the human as a whole. But still- its brain alone cannot feel.
You could say that machines are programmed to feel so. But then, what is our brain but a conjunction of chemical algorythms that are constantly reprogramming themselves? The only difference is that a machine works with raw data, whilst our brain uses chemical compounds (GABA, norepinefrine, serotonine, dopamine, etc.
I would love, love, love to debate on the topic of this fanfic further and further, but damn... I've got no time to do so.
PS:
790342
).
Yeah, the 'LCBP' story was meant from the very beginning to be a mix of silly comedy and clop. It quickly ballooned into more than that (which, sadly, means that I'm stuck at the moment as I try to expand it out into something that makes sense
This fic here is my attempt at taking that same overall idea and doing it seriously. That's a good point as well about the word-count. If they don't read it, then it's 'their loss'.
And I'm happy that you like this story!
791963
Still ain't answered my question about why is everyone so sweaty
For Dash's Tears in the Rain did you by any chance did you take inspiration from the 'Kara' trailer?
Shares a similar feel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dou4Gy0p97Y
If not, its awesome inspiration material.
791876
Hey, I'll go ahead and respond in detail on the google docs about specific issues.
But, first of all, happy that you liked it!
As for the issues=
1)Yeah, I know, I have to fix the formatting. I will. I promise.
2)I deliberately made Dashie's character think in disjointed, 'robotic' ways. I'm modeling her a lot on the behavior of the replicants in the Blade Runner film. I'm really trying to convey that, even though I'm totally blurring the lines between animal life and machine life, Dashie's is emotionally immature (hell, she only lives a few years, sadly) and can't really 'feel' as well as a similar horse would.
3)I also deliberately kept descriptions of places at a minimum. I wanted to convey a really 'out of place' feel that was unsettling and gave the reader a sad, 'unease-filled' feeling. You see what I mean? It's like how a psychological drama film between family members focuses so much more on the characters.
But, hey, please let me know if you think that I went too far.
4) I do want to add like 5-ish thousand words more. There are scenes in the middle showing Dashie trying to come to terms with her emotionally stunted and non-developed nature with Liam, where they bond. There's moments where she works for the army hospital as a 'comfort' pony. There's her confrontation with Dr. Michaels about her mortality. Liam's death from the same disease that caused his "accident" making him a candidate for a Dashie model in the first place. And so on.
The thing is: I felt like "less is more" while making this first draft. I wasn't sure about how much I should explicitly show. You know what I mean? I want to keep a sense of suspense.
AND SERIOUSLY: thanks for all of your help with this!
792212
>Still ain't answered my question about why is everyone so sweaty
I'm sure that the problem is that, subconsciously, my mind wants me to make everything I write into a clopfic-- no matter how inappropriate it would be for the tone of this story.
Seriously, I would write something about Dashie cooking, and my brain is telling me: "No go ahead and type, Todd ran his fingers along the tips of Dash's wings, feathers stroking against his skin with pure delight. She closed her eyes as her back naturally arched up. She knew that he always wanted her to keep the apron on. His hands slid delicately backwards for her m***hood, knowing that the emotional build up would burst gloriously."
And then I was going: "Shut up, brain! This is not made for clopping!"
793508
1) I noticed that this comment of mine was unnecessary when I started reviewing it on the GDocs. The formation is correct over there.
2) But that's sort of the thing. I know that Dashie's POV is what this story is about. Still- the narrator "incorporates" Dashie's thought-process into his own, making him sound robotic and dull. It is very hard to address this fact, since it is also hard to discern where the narrator is telling us Dashie's thoughts from where he's being himself and is just narrating the story. This will probably be the aspect in which you'll have to focus more than any other.
3) Hmmm... I do see what you're doing now that you've said it. But still- I don't know if the story would benefit more/less from minimal descriptions. Remember what I said in item 2? That you're probably going to focus a lot on the narrator/Dashie though-process? Yeah, this here will be another key point to mull over. I do think you can find the "gray zone", in which there is only the necessary descriptions to the place/characters.
4) Oh yeah. I gave you an idea on the GDocs on how to maximize the tears from your readers. Always start with happy... then you move down, down, down until you reach hell. On a side-note: I think that, unless you're planning on sending this to EqD, you could go even further as describing Dashie as a fucktoy. Not the carnal act, but how she feels as the hyena mounted on her breathes steamy laughs on her neck. (Yup, I'm a sick fuck)
793610
I'll add descriptions around things and try to expand more of the details.
I see from the Google Doc that you really don't have a sense of what Dash is. I probably could use some of the happy scenes with Liam along with the latter scenes that aren't so happy to depict more of the fact that although she has organic components, she really is mostly a machine. Think of a plastic skeleton with eyeballs made from stem cells and grown in their own little tanks, while an engineer fits those eyeballs into the sockets during assembly. (sorry if you were eating while reading this). And her brain is more of a computerized mainframe thing than a real brain, but I would guess that there's also lots of nerve cells in there as well.
I think of 'restoring' her as akin to restoring an ipod-- you'd peel off some skin from her neck and plug into this USB-ish like thing and that wipes her memory clean as well as her settings clean if you want. I think of 'turning her off' as like putting her into hibernation so it's sort of like how an animal would hibernate-- still being alive but being totally non-responsive. And I think of 'recycling' as literally being, well, that her organic body parts would have removed from her machine structure. That would also have meant carving up her brains and effectively lobotomizing her, albeit putting the remains of her mind as parts for a new model. Dash then dies for the same reason that a laptop or an ipod dies.
Does this all make sense to you? It is a s--tload of backstory.
I was already planning on doing some heartwarming Liam-x-Dashie bonding, so more stuff would be explained through that process.
Much better
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/175/022/crying_rainbow_dash_by_keanno-d49w8t2.gif
That was nothing short of goddamned beautiful.
Deserves more likes.
799401
799436
Thanks!
I hope that the general reading audience will like this as much as you guys did when I finally do release it...
Anything that you'd particuarly change or stuff like that?
799443 The death scene of Liam could have been a bit more...in view? But otherwise I think it went rather well.
799469
I struggled with that a lot... I ultimately want to imply that he didn't die from his Addisonian crisis (because he did get the shot of coritsol in time) but that he struggled through more time in the hospital with her at his side before he eventually kicked it.
But I really... it felt wrong to do it in view. It's like in my "A Nightly Romance" fic, where Strawberry's death is always just implied and instead I focused on the emotional reaction from Luna and others.
But if you think I should tweak it, I'll seriously reconsider doing that.
And, once again, happy that you like it!
799443
Oh well that would be why it hasn't got so many likes wouldn't it? Good luck to you (although I doubt you'll need it).
This makes me a sad panda.
Seriously, though, amazingly well done. I had an emotional response, which is almost never happens. Keep up the good work.
I like how, in this current version of the story, the details achieved the perfect balance between "clearness" and "awkwardness". We now are capable of better imagining our surroundings, but still, we feel "oppressed" by the different reality the story shows us. And I very much enjoyed the description of what the “turn on & off” actually mean now, helps to clear the “bad” kind of confusion (the one you don’t want the readers to have).
)
One little nitpick: ”He’s really into horses. [...]” This makes Liam sound like “the town’s goat-molester”.
I enjoyed even further her despair when the factoids that she was programmed to know about made themselves known to her. This and the fact that she’s grasping reality itself. I can also see that you’ve made Liam the “thing” that allows Dashie to cling to reality... now I’m hoping to find out that she’ll have an identity crisis once she has her first contact with death (Liam’s death, as kindly SPOILED BY MUZZLEDELK!
Fuck, Swiper... just by these descriptions of how her mind works... It is very safe to say that this right here is the best, most relevant story I’ve ever, ever, ever read. Not just fanfiction (and I’m not kissing your ass here; unwarranted praise is something I don’t do).
He pulled up the tablet computer in his right hand and clicked a few things. Tapped? Tablets are handheld, after all.
He dug his hands into his fur. Her fur.
But my brain was only mostly dead. Too much knowledge for a simple mind, don’t you think? Maybe “But I was still aware... I- I couldn’t move! It was horrible” or something?
I like her “Pinkie” attitude towards Liam, conveniently explained with the massive “overdose” of hormones on her brain.
“With me so far.” Question mark?
“Dash’s are both?” The ’s isn’t good for plurals... Just make her say Dashs, Dashes or Dashies.
”[...]epiphany right then and there, than the doctors would take her back to their lab [...]” Then.
”He couldn’t bear to let that happen. He couldn’t have her taken through those horrible factory lines full of cold plastic and hard metal.” Exploit a bit more her cute/innocent demeanor... not sure if it would be OK to delve into what Liams considers a life and a conscience.
“Don’t ever think that being a machine means I’ll ever turn you off. Even if you can turn back on just fine, I won’t if you don’t want me to. Don’t ever think that being a machine means I’ll forget you, hurt you, abandon you, or anything like that.” Liam... I tip my hat to you (that goes for you too, Swiper!)
When the “musical” part started, I couldn’t help but think “where is he going with this?!” and then, BAM! Imprint! I like how “real” and “artificial” it all seems at the same time: She imprints because it is a part of what she’s programmed to do, but after it happens, she’s clueless. Like opening your computer’s calculator right now and asking the monitor what was the last mathematical operation you performed before you last shut it down. Oh, and I’m not sure yet what’s with the cutie mark (and the previous twilightlicious) references. Be careful, Swiper... people tend not to like those very much (but since these are the only two so far and they are very spaced from each other, no harm can come of it, I’m sure).
” He swatted those thoughts away.” Maybe add a blush here or there, telling us readers that he’s NOT a zoophile.
Wait- his hospital room is inside the institute? I’m slightly confused. Wait- scratch that. Now I get it- she’s still in the testing phases, so he had to “move” to the institute.
“Corisol,” she repeated. Cortisol. And wow- he’s really fucked! I mean- Addison’s and Grave’s?! An autoimmune disease mixed with adrenal insufficiency? I’d take my whole thyroid off if I were him.
The only one of those diseases I haven’t studied yet is Evans’. Liam, your brain is great... but your body is a minefield! Oh, right! A word of caution, Swiper: It’s not just because he’s taking Cortisol shots that he automatically has Addison’s. (Why do I imagine him dying of acute kidney failure?!)
Thousands upon thousands of thoughts coursed through her brain, almost paralyzing him. Whom are we talking about, again? (Also, I think you can maximize the emotions on this part a little more, but just a little)
He nodded, and she immediately grabbed the small white box on her saddlebag. She took a deep breath, hoping that this attack wouldn’t be as serious as the last. He had looked just fine only a moment ago. This paragraph could’ve been WAY better. Make her mentally confused, but not showing it because she knows that Liam wouldn’t want to see her happy.
March 16, 2027 – Greg-Allens Mall – Dallas, Texas – 1:15pm Expand this a little more, Swiper. Make her anxious, waiting on the white rooms with the white couches and the people dressed in white. Make her nearly break when the doctor tells her, make her demanding for a better answer (because the doctor is clearly annoyed that there is a machine trying to show sentiments towards him). And I have an idea for tearjerking; Since her eye is organic, it must have tears to serve as a lubricant (amongst other things) for the eyeballs. So, make the tears spill from her eye and make her even more confused as to “What’s happening to me!? Am I crying?!” (well... it would be a more realistic take, IMO)
My turn:
But, if you make this, you’ll have to edit some parts in which she appears singing the music... make her strain with it a little until she finally finds the lyrics. Or leave it be and just state that she heard some of her other masters playing it. She couldn’t recall why exactly she liked that song and why it reminded her of Liam, but she always felt something whenever she heard it.
”She closed her eyes once more. She had discovered from the grapevine of other bio-orgs that his eye-movement meant that she wanted to cry.” Typo of this or is she thinking about his eyes?
Tearjerker: As the guy is putting the collar on RD, make him ask her if any of the other masters did this to her. She remembers Liam briefly, but knows that, although the act was the same, it felt different. With Liam, it felt right! And then make her cry. (Oh god, I am a heartless bastard!
)
I really don’t know what would be sadder: Make her somehow know that Liam did it with her and make her feel sad for it OR make her happy to be able to serve Todd. I guess the second one is worse...
“At the end of the day, your our product.” You’re.
NOW THIS ENDING is something else! Now this is what I’m talking about- the story builds up nicely and deflates the reader bit by bit then, out of nowhere, pops the balloon!
PS: About Crescendo Molto. I saw that you saw the cover art and was all "FUCK YEAH!" Glad you liked it! Now... I'd hate to be a prick and keep bothering you by asking for help but... do you think that, after this fanfic here is 100% done and published, you could help me out with it?
799469 IDK, Muzzled. I think that it makes it even sadder to leave the reader to his own imagination. My opinion, though.
802375
Edited!
And thanks for your help!
I can see similarities between Blade Runner and this.
I hope that this doesn't take like... you know... to upload...
Awesome
I can see how MLD could fit in with this...
Reading it over thrice and editing, I can deduce one fact: this story is predictable. I don't know what tipped me off, but from the instant I started reading this fic I knew that Dash would end up dying at the end. I don't know if it's the sad tag (something always seems to die when the sad tag is introduced) or the general tone of it - It wasn't too hard to realize that, by the end of this story, somepony would end up buying it.
That's not to say it's not well-written (it is)... it's just predictable.
805876 The ending, even if predictable, doesn't account for the story. It is just that- the ending.
805876
That's a kind of fair criticism. To be honest, that's a large reason of why I dislike sadfics in general (whether reading them or writing them).
All I can say is that tried really hard while writing in a genre that is anti-thetical to my tastes, and that I had to prove something.
805894 Fair enough. The story as a whole was marvelous... it's just that a predictable ending has the effect of looming over me as I read something.
As I read the happie-dashie scenes, my mind was whispering to me, Hey - see that adorable Dashie unit on your computer screen? She's gonna die in about ten thousand words. Kinda ruins my ability to enjoy the happy when the sad is sitting over me like a dark cloud.
805916
I just have to mostly disagree. This is designed after Blade Runner, a fic where you had a somewhat clear idea of how things would end (yet not that spelled out), but the journey became a powerful ride. And there's psychological tension and an 'off', 'unsettling' feeling going through everything as Luce said.
d'awwwwwww
789986i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/333/755/73f.jpg
SO BUCKING GOOD. Well worth the larger part of my day.
Always with the sex bots
...
Dr. Deckard
pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/134036259493.png
Dash is just so ADORABLE during the recital that they put on
! She rocks that triangle like a champ!
Not gonna lie, I felt really sad when Dash told Liam that he could use her. Kinda wished we had clarification on the fact that he didn't
I liked the scenes with Dash working in the VA to help veterans cope with living in a civilan enviroment after living in a war zone.
Todd gave me a creeping sense of unease from the moment "mysterious paper bag" was read. I thought initially that he got booze which leads to him being abusive when drunk. The actual contents and Dash's sigh of resignation only made things worse.
A little creepy that Dash was singing and dancing cheerily shortly after killin a dude
The word you are looking for is "obsolescence" not 'obscneness'. There were other misspellings in there, more often towards the end, but I cant readily remember them.
"Too bad she wont live" HOLY CRAP! That line! *squee* I nearly forgot about that line!
[youtube=bAZqE2DnxUI]
Why am I not surprised that you had Dash do the "Tears in the Rain" monologue?
[youtube=a_saUN4j7Gw]
I reference, link, and post that scene SO much around you that its starting to stop being funny.
On the whole it was a good fic!
I got some nice feels from it, and I saw you REALLY resist the pull of your usual bread and butter in the field of clop. Good job. A little with Liam X Dash would have been acceptable but Todd X Dash would have been as tough to read as Ch. 47 in FOE:PH. So thank you for not doing Todd X Dash, I'll have a slighly easier time of going to sleep, only the minor philosophical/extistential crisis regarding what is real, just how sentient is my computer and smart phone, and if I am treating them right if they are. Those sort of things.
There should have been a bit more of a transition between Dash's second owner and Todd. It was confusing regarding the fact that the second owner seemed to be a family guy playing video games with his wife and kid who suddenly became a creepy dude that abused Dash.
I think a death bed or funeral scene for Liam would help flesh out the feels a bit more and give Liam a bit of a farewell for the reader.
Marks! He say you Brade Runna!
Time to shower and sleep...
vargras made a blog post about making a dislike on this.... what a cunt.
Ok..... i feel like after reading "My little Dashie"(my first mlp fic and.... this fic suck me into this whole fandom and make me watch MLP). Great, great story! I love this type of stories and hate at one time... i have hope that i'm not going to live so much long to see some "products" like this. Cause i am sure humans made something like this someday. Terrifying thought. We have nice example about Dashie from this story. For me she was alive, not some fucking toaster to screw it or shut down when bored...
Fav and like.
*snif*
Eh, I couldn't get into it personally. Without going into huge detail, it's too full of naval gazing, predictability and the usual tropes in sad stories for me to really care that much. Plus some of the dialogue was, uh, more than a little awkwardly worded, along with some the forced explicit implications. It wasn't bad by no means, which is why I'm not giving it a dislike, but I just couldn't find the will the care here.
Liam...why him...why...why?
791876
I wonder if you picked up on the fact that this story was a HUGE reference to the movie "Blade Runner"?
816262 How could one not?
Too sad
But I enjoyed it
I didn't really know what to expect going into this fic, but I ended up liking it quite a bit. A concept based mostly around Blade Runner, with elements of Bicentennial Man thrown in (was that intentional?) hardly seems like the type of story one would expect in this fandom, but you made it work very well overall. The way the Liam/
moments were written really helped to convince me of that (I am a brony, after all...).
Having said that, I did have a few issues with the story. For one, I found the whole thing to be depressingly existential; there were points where I was too despondent about the lines between humanity and AI to care much about Dash's personal feelings towards the end. I don't know whether you intended for that to happen or not; congratulations if you did. Then again, most 'robot ethics' stories get me pretty depressed anyway (the movies mentioned above certainly did).
On a related note, it seems like the last third or so of the story collapses under the weight of the concepts presented in the first two-thirds, and in more ways than one. The strong bond we see between Liam and Rainbow at the beginning and middle of the story kind of tapers off into nothing as we see him approach death. I agree with Evil Paladin about having some sort of send-off scene for Liam to close the relationship more thoroughly. Also, the shortness of some of the later logs in comparison to the first few entries makes the ending seem pretty choppy. It leaves quite a few gaps for the reader to reason through, and is probably a bit disorienting for anyone who hasn't seen Blade Runner. Granted, the title does sort of allude to that reference, so I guess they can't complain.
All in all, a great effort, and one I'm sure you spent a good amount of time on. Some people on this site could stand to learn that you write more than clop. Keep up the good work!
818451
That's a fair criticism, but the thing is-- I probably couldn't do this story justice unless it was like twice as long. And I couldn't really handle that. I mean, seriously, I teared up myself writing this several times. I'm not a sadfic fan at all. I wrote this for many reasons-- one of which was to challenge myself in the same way one might climb a rock wall. I hate being thought of as a porn-ster only and not as an author that can do non-porn.
There's a lot of depressingly existential stuff in here as well as a writing style that's intentially 'robotic' and emotionless at times. There's choppy moments, and the Liam thing isn't resolved-- but I wanted it that way. I wanted to give the reader the sense of being led through something forceful in way that Dashie's life is being controlled. In parts, this story could use some serious work.
But, all in all, I'm glad that I wrote it. And I'm very glad that you like it.
jeez by the end i was so close to crying at dashie's fate.....this had a long run length wise and honestly i was even sad that it ends there..........not much i can say that already hasn't but........Liam be Dashie.....Liam.....be proud......