The war between Changelings and Ponies ended in fire and death.
Everypony knew of Celestia's fury. It was her sun that scoured the world, burning anything in its light. It was supposed to kill the Changeling menace, but Celestia just disappeared, leaving the sun too close to Equus.
The sun did not care what it burnt. When the world ended, Ponies sought shelter with the Diamond Dogs. Unfortunately, the Dogs had different ideas.
Dusk Light, a slave to the Diamond Dogs, dreams of revenge. The Dogs betrayed everypony and slaughtered his mother, Twilight Sparkle. Every day, he wishes for the glorious return of Princess Celestia so that he can witness the beasts burn in her fire. However, he's tired of waiting. The hour of judgement is at hand, and he decides that if she won't come by herself, then he will bring her back.
[An entry for The More Most Dangerous Game writing contest]
I found this story to be pretty fun to read. I think the story would have benefitted from showing more of the harsh conditions that the ponies are under. The conditions of the slaves honestly didn't seem that horrific--they still made jokes and gave each other nicknames and stuff like that. I think if you emphasized the bleakness more it would have made Dusk Light's zealous and vengeful nature feel more justifiable, especially since Twilight's death was off screen meaning the reader doesn't have that much to go on.
The ending felt a little bit rushed, but I think that's acceptable given how close to the word limit the story is.
5598145
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I completely agree with those points you made but, alas, time ran out and I had to run with what I had. Hopefully, I want to come back to this when the comp is finished and flesh it out, maybe add more view points or something, and fix that ending!
Oooh, the ideas. Yes...yes I think I will continue with this one. I need to practice editing anyway.
Thanks for the tips, it will be very helpful!
"What's a fist?"
Okay, this story is actually pretty interesting, and I like the main character's voice, but the first chapter does it no favors.
So if anything worked, your characters were very strong, and the actions they took surprising, not at all what I expected. This is good story, but it needs some polish, and maybe some expansion, too. Everything feels rushed.
5740526
Nuuuuuuuuuu, amateur hour!
Cheers for the read and the comments.