Convention Runner, Statistician, and lover of all things Soarburn
“The will to power is in our blood. You feel it in yourself, do you not? No day goes by where I am not tempted to return to my inborn nature. What is better - to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?” ~Paarthurnax, The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim
Unequaled skills. Greater power. Total dominion. Onyx has always desired more, but when this young colt learns a dark truth, he must face the most formidable enemy he as ever known: himself.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hmm. You did ask for feedback, and as I'd changed this from my "Favourites" bookshelf to my "Tracking" shelf before I saw that, I do feel I owe you an explanation. While I do like this story, I found some of the characterisation and drama later on a little overblown. The fall of the changeling empire stuck out to me as quite over dramatic, but the one that really didn't work for me was Luna. I get that she was supposed to be struggling to control herself, and also that she had a huge amount of love for, and faith in, Onyx - but the two didn't really mesh. Telling the reader that Luna has made herself a cold emotionless machine to prevent herself from falling to the Nightmare, and then immediately showing she loves Onyx so much that she won't stop him from doing exactly what she did kind of broke my suspension of disbelief. Sorry. I still like it, but it didn't quite live up to what I was hoping it would be.
5551743
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I've never written anything in this vein before, so hearing your opinion is immensely helpful. No need to apologize for being honest.
Do you have any specific advice for ways to help Onyx and Luna "mesh" better? I'd hoped to convey that Luna feels like she is being greedy and a little indulgent by letting her relationship with Onyx influence her decisions. She is aware that Onyx is a danger, but she also sees him as one of the first little joys she has had in a long time, and she is very hesitant to give that up. After watching Onyx grow and being part of his life, she is beginning to believe that she need not shut herself down emotionally anymore.
Any suggestions to make that idea come through more clearly? Or is it not really worth pursuing? I'd like to refine the story once the judging for the contest has been completed, and it sounds like I've got a good place to start reworking.
5552740
That is definitely the place to start if you want to rework this. I'd try and let both Luna's emotionlessness and gradual opening up to Onyx clearer - descriptions about her bearing and coldness, or dialogue that feels more cold in the earlier chapters, followed by gradual and hesitant spots of warmth - small, nervous, blink-and-you'll-miss-'em smiles, or just generally more shown emotions. Could be anything from surprise to anger to concern. Of course, the section I most think you should rework is the one that broke suspension of belief for me - Chapter 8. I feel that this section needs to be expanded upon (although not necessarily expanded) to properly convey the conversation between Luna and Onyx.
All of this is of course just my own thoughts on the matter - this is your story, your baby as it were, and you should write it in the way you want to. I just think that the story could be a lot stronger if you just worked on these things. Hope I could help!
Two chapters left to go and with the tags to the story I'm dreading quite a bit what might be coming up. The set up so far has been an interesting one. It's strange to experience a character growing up facing such a difficult task as having to subdue part of himself all within an atmosphere of doubt and might I say distrust from most. An interesting contrast is the understandable way others respond to knowing of him, knowing the potential risks, but also feeling that, it's not his fault, so shouldn't he be given a chance?
Regardless the intrigue came from the grey area he treaded, from being able to go both ways. On one part he could give in to his desires for greatness and to be better, on the other hand his love for the friends he does have. It's been since the introduction of the sword however, that I realized it's likely going to end in one of a handful of ways.
The friendship between Onix and Noble was fun to experience, it had it's cute moments, and no matter what difficulties the darker side of Onix, or his need to outdo his friend, might have caused, their friendship remained a comfortable constant. I can also greatly appreciate the angle you chose to pursue by comparing the struggles faced with Luna's own past. It adds greater depth to both characters and helps empathize with Onix to greater extend.
The chosen format, in snippets from Onix's growing up, is a great way to display how both the effects of Onix's needs as well as his friendship develops over time.
Now to actually finish the story...
5552740
I really like this story! I think the early chapters are just perfect, but like 5552819, I feel the the issue with Luna's stated objection to Onyx "becoming nothing" fails flat in the later chapters as she would know better than anypony else what Onyx loses in becoming Sombra. Would she really deny him the same choice she has taken out of love for those around her? After all, those she loves face the same consequences in the Sombra case as if she let NMM return. Also, her love for Onyx would still not prevent her from taking action when he threatened Celestia and Noble. She might shrink at directly attacking him, but it stretches disbelief a bit over much that she would not engage in defensive action to protect those she loves.
The other comment is more of a technical one. The latter chapters are far more rushed than the earlier ones and would benefit from a longer treatment. That happens a lot when writing for a contest, and is something you can easily fix afterwards by extending those chapters.
5554498
5552740
All excellent points, Daffadah. I hadn't really considered the technical aspect, but he's right about the later chapters being quite rushed - in particular there was a massive jump between Onyx holding himself back and then suddenly becoming Sombra 2.0 between Chapters 8-10.
Thanks for the feedback, 5554498 ! I’m glad you liked it overall, despite its shortcomings.
I agree. Giving the second half more breathing room would be a huge boon. Like you alluded to, though, the amount of time I had to spend on the contest and (especially) the word limit hindered some of the flow of the later chapters. To 5555692 ‘s point, I attempted to show that Onyx’s actions in “Temptation” came from a desire to protect Noble and the guard from the Changelings – one of his great fears is that he wouldn’t be good enough to keep them safe. Sounds like that aspect could use some work, too. Do you have any advice on smoothing that part out?
In addition to having her own reasons not to shut him down, I tried to write Luna as a representation of absolute faith in Onyx, something he could cling to when his belief in himself was failing. The “Auntie always knows when you’re lying” line was meant as a concession to the fact that she hadn’t intervened during the attack (as well as an indication that Onyx had not been completely overtaken), but I can understand if it all feels too hand-wavy. I’ll work on it. Thanks for the great notes! If you have any more, I'm all ears.
5556246
As 5555692 commented, the change in motivation is too fast and mostly told rather than shown. What would really help here is a series of five scenes:
1) Onyx having an internal conversation with Sombra where Sombra berates him for foolishly putting his forces at risk for the benefit of another. Sombra could fixate on the terrible death that awaits many of them, and how easily he could take matters in hoof without anypony else being put at risk. He could also outright lie to Onyx and say that he will "give Onyx the knowledge" with no strings attached. Still Onyx resists.
2) Onyx discusses exactly this with Noble - only Noble admits to being terrified of the prospect and asking for Onyx's advice. Onyx tells him about his own feelings and Sombra's proposal. Noble begs him to refuse Sombra's gift, and that nothing would come of it.
3) Onyx walks about the camp meeting ponies in his guard and Noble's. Their foal-like enthusiasm ends up weighing heavily on him. He meets up with one of Noble's lieutenants, a mare to which he has become very attached. She talks about plans for after the campaign, and we find out that he has secretly proposed to her.
4) Back with Noble, they discover exactly how overwhelming the Changeling forces are and how close to starting the invasion. They also find out that they are already surrounded and cannot get any word out to Canterlot. Noble responds by becoming resigned to his fate and declaring that they must fight a delaying action while some ponies attempt to break out of the encirclement and give word to Canterlot. Onyx and Noble each select 1 lieutenant to attempt the breakout. Onyx's fiancé is not chosen.
5) Last meeting between Onyx and his fiancé. His dialogue shows him telling her that all hope is not lost, and that he has a plan. The scene closes with an internal dialogue between Onyx and Sombra. Sombra congratulates him for coming to his senses, and then tells Onyx the spell that will give him the power he needs "to do what must be done."
As to the Luna case, that a tougher nut to crack. Motivation to attack Canterlot: Onyx's fiancé attempted to escape the encircled camp when she realized what Onyx had done. She ends up being killed trying to get to Onyx to stop him - with who killed her being ambiguous. Onyx first blames himself, and then Sombra talks him into shifting the blame to Celestia. To make the particiapnts in the last scene more credible, you might have Celestia and her forces retreating to the Crystal Empire and Luna refusing to leave Canterlot. Then you have the battle with Noble, and finally Luna intervening to protect Noble, but refusing to strike. Sombra finds this hilarious and reminds Onyx that Luna is all that stands between him and conquest of Canterlot, and that Luna cannot be allowed to live as she would have both a legitimate claim to the throne and the raw power to try to take it. Big internal battle, with Luna taking several injuries in the process. Onyx realizes it's just a matter of time before she succumbs, and then at that point chooses suicide. The rest unfurls as you have it in the story.
Of course these are all just suggestions. You are the author and this all has to be true to your vision of the characters and your intent with this scenario. Please take with a truckload of salt!
5556246
What 5556415 has said is again excellent advice. The only thing I will add to his point, is that you have greatly underutilised Sombra. He's supposed to be a malevolent forces inside Onyx's head, and yet we hear very little from him. Perhaps a few scenes (as Daffadah suggested) involving internal conflicts with him could strengthen the narrative.
5556415
5556439
Excellent advice indeed (plus I can use that truckload of salt on the roads around here
).
I really like your suggestions about adding more scenes of Onyx's internal conflict. I conceived of Sombra as more of a lingering malevolence that manifests itself as a parasite or psychosis rather than a character unto himself, but I'm not opposed to playing around with fleshing him out more. I am, however, a little hesitant to give Onyx a fiance. I really want to play up the importance of Onyx's relationships with Luna and Noble, and I feel like the dying fiance subplot would dominate all of Onyx's desires and motivations. Great idea, but I don't think this is the story for it. Still, it's a good thing to mull over.
This is definitely the most (and harshest) criticism I've ever received on my fanfics, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I hope you'll both give this story another look once the changes have been made. Thanks again so much for all your help.
(Of course, if you'd like to give more suggestions in the meantime, I would never, ever stop you.
)
5558525
Giving critical advice is often a double edge sword. But when folks respond to it with class and wit it creates one of those moments that makes you glad to be part of such a community!
Please let me know when you do your edits so I can have another go at reading it.
And all criticism aside, I really did enjoy this story, even the first time!
5558601
Glad to hear it. Thanks again, Dafaddah. You're awesome.
Where the fragments worked well in the chapters leading up to sire, the start of that chapter itself felt disorienting for lack of a better term. Though the previous chapter had hinted at the course of action that would most likely be taken, it felt like a lot of important events had been skipped, or that a chapter had been missed (something I actually checked for just to be sure).
I'm no author by any means thus can't say what could be done. Perhaps displaying the fight in progress from it's start or possibly even slightly before that. Right now Onix makes his claims to Luna, only to have those waylaid, with the reader knowing only part of half of what said claims might refer to, which causes that same break from immersion in wondering how major events like that could have escaped notice in the story earlier.
The transition between sire and return was confusing as well, but felt more immersive and fitting. It makes sense within the context, and piecing together what must have happened in the end, and the struggle that's persisted throughout the story coming to a sad but redeeming conclusion, were touches I quite enjoyed.
5561356
Great stuff to keep in mind. 'Sire' definitely needs to be much longer, I think. Having Onyx narrate events that happened 'off-screen' certainly isn't ideal, and your suggestion is a good one - it would allow us to see more of Onyx's internal struggle and give the reader enough information to not break the flow. As much as I love using these snapshots of a character's life to put together their whole story, I can see why it can be difficult to string together the entire narrative.
While I highly doubt I'll do well in the contest, I feel like I've learned a ton from you and the other commenters about character consistency and the importance of sizing - the story I wanted to tell was much, much too large to fit into 15,000 words or the short amount of time I had. Next time, I'll scale it back a bit.
Thanks for reading and for your input. Even though you say you are "no author," your opinion is still super important to me, Wireframe, especially since you took the time to write out what you thought didn't work very well. In the end, I'm glad you found pieces of it to enjoy. Hopefully I can redeem my story by making some major changes to it.
Scenes like this aren't something you see in ponyfic a lot. I appreciate it. :)
Okay, now I'm suitably impressed.
Nicely done. :)
5794405
Hi, Present Perfect! I'm glad you liked it! And I'm sorry the edits aren't complete yet.
Can I ask how you stumbled upon this one?
5794983
MMDGC, you should expect it. :B
5794287
Yeah, this is so cute and sweet.
6074819
Glad you liked it. This is probably my favorite chapter.
Love seeing one reformed character working on another character's reformation. I don't think that happens enough.
I know exactly what you mean, Princess. There was a time I shut off my emotions, a time during which I felt neither sadness nor joy, and would not wish a life of no feeling upon anyone else either.
Jesus, what a start!
I'm finally reading this.
Killing me! The conflict...
8098391
Thanks for giving it a read. I'm hoping to remake it someday, but, well, that ship may have sailed.