Berry Punch's Rough Night

Even though Berry has had very many rough nights that were much worse, last night was the first time she's actually thought about it the next morning. Was her last rough night enough to change her life?

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 11 )

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kryvian

kryvian #1 · May 4th, 2012 · · ·

You're repeating Berry Punch way way too often, as far as the first part of the story goes. Simply replacing with she every now and then would make it more tolerable and I guarantee no one will get confused.

edit: overall fun story, but imho it just started getting good and it ended. Might wanna consider extending it into other such short chapters .

Ahiam94

Ahiam94 #2 · May 4th, 2012 · · ·

>>Kryvian
Alright, I appreciate the advice!

jar'o'mayo

jar'o'mayo #3 · May 4th, 2012 · · ·

And then Love potions other than alcohol were banned in Equestria.

Ahiam94

Ahiam94 #4 · May 4th, 2012 · · ·

542544

In reality, love potions should've been banned a long time ago. Since it was the cause of a kingdom falling and chaos reigning. At least, that's what the book that Sweetie Belle was reading said.

infinite scratch

infinite scratch #5 · May 4th, 2012 · · ·

Lol yep ponyville ponies are crazy! Nice ending

Celestia

Celestia #6 · May 4th, 2012 · · ·

Very amusing story, though you may want to proofread it. I did love the tie-in with an episode.

jar'o'mayo

jar'o'mayo #7 · May 5th, 2012 · · ·

543360 But nopon ever bothered to outlaw them before because they thought nopony would be dumb enough or desperate enough to try it.

PonymianRhapsody

PonymianRhapsody #8 · May 6th, 2012 · · ·

I see a lot of potential here. You did a very good job writing the disgruntled stallion as well as Cheerilee. This was a well thought out story and a fun little read. My only problem with it is that you may have left out a word or two in some sentences, the ending seemed a little abrupt, and there was some confusion with the use of to and too. Nothing a little proofreading can't fix.

But overall, very strong story, you definitely have a lot of potential. *Thumbed and fav'd*

Ahiam94

Ahiam94 #9 · May 7th, 2012 · · ·

554181

Thanks a lot! I'm glad that you liked it. I'll be doing some editing in it soon, but I've been pretty busy as of late.

kempsishere

kempsishere #10 · Jun 10th, 2012 · · ·

that was . . . cute
although its hard to imagine any character from a kids show as a raging alcoholic
I did enjoy it but the description of Berry's pain seemed a little dry
maybe you could try using a metaphor or simile to describe a character's feelings, especially pain
you also wrapped it up too quickly, but thats a challenge for most writers.

btw, doesn't berry punch have a daughter named berry pinch?
it may be a little late now, but that could provide a bit of dialogue instead of berry just talking to herself.

the-pieman