Metal music, guitars, and model electric trains. Rainbow Dash is best pony!
You (a human) has been in Equesria, living on Sweet Apple Acres for six months now. And you're starting to have feelings for Applejack. Before you came to Equestria, Heavy Metal music has been your destany and you passion, and also playing guitar. And all you want to do is impress her, hold her, kiss her. But will she accept your request? Will she reject you? There is only one way to find out, and that's all water under the bridge.
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You have some spelling mistakes—but your paragraphing seems correct—also I'd suggest using words to describe scenes instead of pictures, they're a bit distracting.
Anyway it's an interesting concept, shame it's off putting.
5527342
Heh, well sometimes I like to show everyone how the ponies feel sometimes. But alright. I'll stick with less pictures and what not.
Saying this has some spelling mistakes is like saying that New York has just a few people living there. This is riddled with errors and mistakes and I need to wonder why it is you chose to write in second person? This is possibly the most difficult way to write effectively. Unless you know what you're doing, it's going to come out really strangely. There's even a point near the beginning where you switch to first person and use "I" instead of "you". I really would suggest redoing this in third person for no other reason than it gives you the most freedom.
And I need to repeat what rhg135 said. Get rid of the pictures and songs. They actually distract the reader from the story. If you feel the need to add them then it means your writing hasn't succeeded.
I would put what needs to be edited and what's wrong with this story, but I fear it would be longer than the story itself! And "Ur" is not a word. Or slang. Stop saying it.
"gr8 m8 no d-b8 i r8 it an 8 i h8 2 b in an ir8 st8 but its my f8
hey m8 i apreci8 that u r8 it gr8 u wanna d8 and mayb masturb8 i can ask n8 and we can meet at the g8 dont b l8
gr8 b8 m8 i r8 it an 8/8 plz don't h8
gr8 b8 m8 cant even h8 so I r8 8 outta 8
Gr8 b8 m8. I rel8, str8 appreci8, and congratul8. I r8 this b8 an 8/8. Plz no h8., I'm str8 ir8. Cre8 more, can't w8. We should convers8, I won't ber8."
5527863
Well hey. At least I tried my best to do the whole... "Country accent" thing Applejack has.
5527868
Uh... What?
5527888
It's stupid talk, you wouldn't get it.
5527891
Probably not. but what you was trying to say. I couldn't stop laughing.
5527877
I have a somewhat country and southern accent. Saying this, I attest to the fact that this a terrible attempt, partner.
5527910
Yeah. i'm really not use to this whole "Country thing" at all. No offense. Country stuff is never my thing. but this idea was bothering the hell out of me. So yeah.
5527779
If you want to show us how the ponies feel, then do so through your writing. If a pony if shocked, tell us how their jaw drops and their eyes pop open. If a pony is happy, tell us about the spring in their step or the smile on their face.
Also, power metal is best type of metal.
It was a decent read, I guess.
Words can form a very vivid image—case in point: poetry—even if it's not easy. It's still worth striving for.
Wait this is cancelled?
(attempts Darth Vader voice) NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO