A pegasus stallion from Haywaii named Clyde had always wanted to be a part of the Royal Guard. After getting rejected, he goes surfing to clear his mind. As his mind wanders, he doesn't realize the storm coming, and Clyde is swept under the waves, becoming unconscious. He wakes up in a place he never thought he'd be: The Lunar Republic.
Page generated in 0.087 seconds
Total duration
653 users online
834,804 hits today, 1,996,409 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
It could be an interesting story. I only noticed two things.
...because we have and overflow of guards...
I think you meant an.
And second is, that you should probably try to put your text into more paragraphes. I will read the rest and give you more feedback then.
This was an interesting chapter too. I have just some points you should maybe consider.
"You're in the village of the Lunar Republic."
Lunar Republic is an island with more than one village, right? Maybe you should name the village then.
Taking a deep breath, he decided that this was a good thing, and he owed his life to the bat pony standing in front of him.
He decided pretty fast, that it is a good thing. Maybe it would be better, if he would just let it drop for now and recognize, that it isn't that bad later. A body change is normally not accepted that fast. He could still say the "Don't worry"-part, since he doesn't want to make his lifesaver fret. Of course your character on the other hand could be that flexible and decide that it is a good thing immediately, it is just very unlikely in my opinion. To notice his sharp senses that fast. You could also let him discover them bit by bit. But this are only my thoughts on this matter. Still thought, I could mention it here. It is your decision.
A week? Although he was very thankful for Ruby Moon and her hospitality, he hoped that his family wasn't worrying too bad...
Maybe he will do it next chapter but if he doesn't, I would like to add, that he should ask for a way to contact his family. Also I'm wondering, if there really is no way to transport him over the sea. Twilight Sparkle got to Ponyville first with that golden chariot and if Ruby knows Luna, then that would be a possibility.
And my last question here. He didn't question, why it was necessary to transform him into a bat pony, even though it would be probably one of the first things, he should have asked at this point and I'm pretty curious about it myself.
So. Here I go again. I like your story idea, but you need to improve a few things.
Moons' house had been not very exciting.
I think you have to write here had not been
"Don't worry, I'll be fine!!" and here too "Thanks!!"
One is enough.
"Thanks!!" He said, waking away
I think you meant walking away.
This was definitely a magic place
I think magical place is correct here.
If you'd like, you could right a letter to them
You probably meant write here and the following sentences had too many punctuations, like mentioned before.
"that'll do."
Better like this. "That'll do."
I hope, that this doesn't discourage you. I just want to help you improve your story. My advice is that you need to read over your story several times yourself or find someone, who reads over it. Furthermore you need to try to see things of the angle of Clyde. This concerns the second chapter of your story. Try to see it like him. Every action has a reason. Question his actions. He has a reason for doing, what he is doing. And you should also try to work with paragraphs. Chapter three looked like a big block of text and it took me a while to get over it and read it. You want people to read your story and that is why you need to make it more comfortable for people to read it.
Overall I liked your descriptions in this chapter. It was really interesting and I like your story, that's why I gave it a like. Just work on the mentioned points and I'm convinced, that you could write an interesting story here.