Twilight flipped through book after book, leaving a stack on the floor in disarray. She thanked her luck that her telekinesis seemed to work just as well as a ghost, possibly even better, if the violently ripped door leading into the library was any hint.
Ah! Twilight studied the page before her intently, sweeping her head back and forth before she nodded to herself. "I have it!" she cried with victory and zipped from the library, leaving the mess behind. She burst through a wall silently, her hooves still making running motions out of habit despite her motions being fueled by will instead. "Princess, are you still here?"
A princess was there, Luna. Luna looked up at Twilight with a thoughtful expression, "We see Celestia was not deceiving us. Twilight, you have truly shed your body."
Twilight walked up towards her own coffin, a thought that made her shiver softly. "I have. We'll get this fixed, don't worry."
"I would be mad not to worry," spoke Luna in a calm voice. "But you have made it a habit of performing miracles. What do you need, Twilight Sparkle?"
Twilight reared up beside the coffin and spoke a quick spell before touching her inert self. A sheen of blue passed over her 'sleeping' form and the ghost Twilight nodded, "Did you see the spell I just cast?"
Luna nodded slowly, "I have not seen that spell cast in some time, but I know of it."
"Good," said Twilight with a flash of spectral teeth, "Cast it for me, once a day."
Luna shook her head, "Once a week would more than suffice. Do you have need for your mortal shell still, Twilight?"
Twilight shrugged as she fell back to all fours, "I really don't know, but until I do, we can't have it, you know... rotting? Ugh, that sounds so awful."
Luna looked over the vision of Twilight, giving a nod of assent, "Are you well, Twilight Sparkle, considering the situation?"
Twilight blinked at the question and spun on Luna, "Well? I mean..." She paused to consider it more deeply. "I suppose, relatively. The pain is just an annoying little tickle, no worse than a bruise. I keep trying to grab things or nudge things, but that obviously doesn't work. I don't want to think about it too much. Let's just fix it."
"In times past," spoke Luna, "it was my duty among others to drive away ghosts and specters that would disturb the night."
Twilight raised a brow at Luna, "Why would you... say that? I'm not a vengeful ghost trying to haunt things."
"You are notably timid for a ghost," agreed Luna with a nod, "But my duty remains. Tread carefully, Twilight Sparkle. You are in a dangerous place, and I will protect my little ponies if it comes down to it."
Twilight's ears flipped back as she cringed away from Luna, "I should go check on the others." And she was gone, dashing through a wall away from Luna.
"Darling," spoke Rarity as she followed Long Road into his room, "I'm sorry..."
Long Road swiveled an ear, then slowly turned to face Rarity, "For?"
Rarity looked sharply uncomfortable, "I thought... making Twilight jealous would spur her into action. She's... was... such a recluse."
Long Road flinched, "So your feelings were not true?"
Rarity's ears fell, "Not exactly, at least, not at first. You truly are a gentlecolt, Long Road, dear. I was trying to lure Twilight out of her shell, and instead... I stole you away from her. Can you forgive me for being such a cad?"
Long Road approached her and paused a moment before he leaned in and planted a firm kiss on her startled lips. It was only a few seconds, but both looked impacted by the powerful exchange. He drew back with a soft sigh, "I knew my luck had not turned that sweet, as to place such an enchanting lady as yourself beside me, Lady Rarity. I will treasure the time we did have."
Rarity smiled gently, thinking back on her other romantic pursuits, all dashed by stallions with crude personalities. Vain, self-absorbed, misguided, and several other adjectives beside could describe them all, but there was one thing tying them all together. Herself. She raised a hoof and placed it under Long Road's chin, raising it as she leaned in and resumed the kiss. This time it was gentle, and the two fell into each other's eyes. The depth of Long Road's gaze frightened Rarity, but also excited her. She could see his flame, and knew it burned for her, not as a trophy, trend, fad, or gimmick. Drawing back, she asked, "Long... Tell me why you love me."
Long Road perked an ear up, "Where do I begin? The sweet scent that follows you, your dazzling eyes, lit up with fiery passion and sharp wit. Your love for your work, which you offer with keen business intellect to the rich while also offering up freely to the poor." He tilted his head softly, "The softness of your pure white fur, the deepness of your purple mane. The sweet dulcet tones of your voice..." He reached with a hoof for one of her own, drawing her hoof up to kiss, "Even your hooves are enchanting, Lady Rarity. And... even when you were scared, you came. You were there, alongside Lady Fluttershy, when any sane pony would have stayed well away from the cursed city."
Rarity drew her hoof back, only to run it slowly over Long Road's cheeks, "You are a true gentlecolt, gentle and kind, but ready to defend a lady, in honor and body. You're a little older than I am, but you wear it well, like a good suit. You call me Lady Rarity," she tittered as she admitted that reason for attraction, "And you treat me as such. You don't get bored when I get excited about fashion, even if that's not your passion." She took a slow breath, "Long Road." He perked his ears anew as she called his name. "Will you be my knight? Guard my heart, my body" She guided one of his hooves to her barrel over her heart, "Maybe more..."
Long Road felt like he had touched the Lightning Rail, his arm going numb as he felt Rarity' heart thudding powerfully against his hoof. "I... I am Lady Sparkle's knight, until..." His ears fell, "Until she dies."
It laid there, naked and ugly. Rarity looked away, shame filling both of their features, "Which... she has..." she murmured, a tear escaping to stain her white muzzle.
"She has," he repeated, snorting loudly. "I will accept you, Rarity. I may be a fool still, but I cannot deny my heart forever. Please do not think less of me for it."
Rarity leaned in and kissed his closest cheek gently, "If I did, I would have to think the same of myself, darling. Stay here, in Equestria. Forget about that violent world you came from."
"C'mon, Spike, this isn't like you," said Rainbow as she flew lazy circles around Spike.
"I should have stayed with her," grumped Spike, his head resting on the palm of his claws.
Rainbow gave a soft pfft, "Yea, how? She's the one that teleported away, remember? We didn't even know which way she went!" She flew up into Spike's face, "You were great, Spike. You saved all of our flanks so many times. If you weren't there, Twilight would have been taken out way earlier, along with the rest of us. You saved us, Spike. C'mon!"
Spike heaved a loud sigh before rising up, floating away from the edge of the castle he had been parked on. Rainbow followed along with him, "The way you were keeping that demon busy was amazing, and I was all 'Pow Pow!' with that snake thing. It was crazy!" She swung her hooves in fake punches in the air, "Even that donkey was busy. We were nuts! We were so outnumbered, but was that going to get us down? Buck no!"
Rainbow's constant encouragement started to rub off a little on Spike and he cracked a little smile, "We were pretty crazy, yea. That was a wicked uppercut you threw."
Rainbow laughed and did a backspin in the air, clapping her hooves twice quickly, "Yea! Oh man, his face! He was all 'blarrrg' when I did that. It was great!"
Spike reached for one of her hooves, capturing it and holding it between his claws gently, "Rainbow?"
"Yea?" she asked, tilting her head at him.
"We'll get her back, right?" he asked, looking to her with fragile hope.
"Of course we will!" She pulled him him and wrapped him up in a hug. "We don't leave anypony behind! We'll bring Twilight back if we have to go to Tartarus and start punching everything in the way and haul her sorry flank back. We'll do whatever it takes, promise."
They embraced with a bond forged in battle, filled with friendship and camaraderie. When they drew apart, Rainbow swiftly drove a hoof into Spike's toughly armored shoulder, "Enough moping, let's get something to eat! Us cool warrior types gotta feed the engine of awesome so we can run over jerks that get in our way." She led the way back into the castle with a recovering Spike, a small smile on his face.
Gentle Repose: stopping the dead from seeming all that dead since the Olden Days.
Well... apparently Rarity's not quite as oblivious as she appeared all those chapters ago. And now, I hope that Twilight is only disappointed in the outcome, and not heartbroken.
That reminds me of an interesting idea: If Fluttershy counts as a Druid (or story events "retrain" her into a druid from the Expert she most likely is) She'd likely be at the right level to cast reincarnate... Dueling spells: Raise dead vs true resurrection vs Reincarnate?
I mention it just for the fun idea of Twilight having to deal with being in her EQG form as her "native" body. Alternatively, since you don't have to depend on a RNG as an author vs a DM, use it to restore Twilight to her proper Equestrian form instead of her Everglow version.
"I'm so glad you're back, Twilight!" Fluttershy cried as she hugged the revived Alicorn. "I thought I'd messed up the spell when your body formed as an earth pony..."
"So that's why I feel weirdly strong," Twilight mused. "Fortunately, my 'Equestrian Princess' Prestige Class took care of that..."
5644783 Heh, that is an amusing thought, though reincarnate doesn't work on folks who are undead. Her being a ghost makes the requirement for bringing her back much higher.
5644774 Rarity had her reasons, and they weren't entirely misguided.
The interplay between Rarity and Long Road was very well done, here! I didn't see it coming that Rarity was playing around with Long Road to try and provoke Twilight to be more honest with herself - that makes it all the more rich that she was the one who ended up falling for him.
I found Long Road's confession that he had fallen for Rarity to be somewhat out of left field - some prior exposition that he was developing feelings for her would have helped in that regard. That said, as your author's note stated, their sudden mutual confession is likely at least partially due to the current circumstances - there's little like the loss of someone you care about to make you act erratically. Of course, even if they realize that later, it's not likely to matter; as a paladin, Long Road's oath to be Rarity's knight is a binding one (unless, I suppose, they both want out of it).
Having said all of that, I like them as a couple; the two of them just work. He lends greater substance to her oft-frivolous nature, whereas she lightens his stoicism. Her plea for him to give up on his world and stay there with her was also very romantic. I think that they'll make a good couple. (Of course, I suspect that knowledge will only infuriate ghost-Twilight.)
Now the only one left is Applejack, the only pony who has some experience with personal losses (e.g. her parents).
(Although it's a shame we won't get to see Rainbow trying to drown her sorrows with cider.)
5644960 Rainbow is still firmly in the camp of 'We are awesome and we can totally fix this!' so there's no reason for her to fall into depression just yet. Being a lovably straight forward soul can be a blessing at times.
Time travel? It must have erased my memory of the previous timeline, because I didn't notice any of that. Apparently the typos were retconned out of existence too (as far as I can tell).
I think it's high time Rarity fell for a gentleman instead of a celebrity. On the other hand, his loyalty is going to be very conflicted when they discover that Twilight is not done yet.
5644960
There were hints at Long Road liking Rarity. He never actually said anything because it's his nature to keep his feelings to himself.
Has Applejack synchronized with the rest of the party yet? Does she know Twilight died and do the others know Zecora has been rescued?
5644988 I think that the time travel bit is in reference to the fact that this chapter "backed up" a little bit to when everyone split up upon arriving back in Canterlot, and hence before Twilight came back as a ghost - hence the parts with Rarity and Spike. In essence, those were catching up to where everything is now.
I agree that Long Road wouldn't have expressed any developing feelings for Rarity, but that doesn't mean we couldn't have had exposition regarding his feelings as part of the narration.
Wouldn't it be simpler for she to simply let go, then get Raise Dead'ed? As far as I know you don't need to be "in between" for it to bring you back.
Of course, that is not considering the plot implications of simple solutions XD. That and the awesomeness of a ghost caster making things go boom.
Also, THE DRAMA!! taking a rest when 'hey, twi, weren't you, you know, dead?' It takes a bit of the "desperate quest to resurrect a dear friend" when said friend is hanging around and helping with uber-ghost powers.
All in all, keep calm and Torment(tm) on!
5645006 Nope! That is likely to be broached next chapter. Poor frazzled Twilight hasn't even thought to go seeking her companions yet.
Weird, youd have thought having an empty body, and a readily available and willing soul would make things easier. Need to become Ghost In The Machine? Homunculus and Soul Gem? Or is that a stupidly high requirement?
Im wondering how mad Twilighs going to be when the vows thing only goes as far as the body.
Ive seen a few intresting observations on Pathfinder Forums, going throug calculations etc, and it simplifies down to.
For each level, you have to fight
Easy, 10 fights with a 75% chance of success each time.
normal/Medium. 15 fights, with a 50:50 chance of success each time.
Hard, 20 fights with a 25 % chance of success each time.
the encounters and fights scale with each level for strength of opponant faced etc
Personally, I prefer Easy, 20 fights at 90% chance of surviving, so I have a 50:50 chance of getting through any given day.
5645049 Sure, from our view, that seems the ideal answer. To Twilight, staring down the wrinkled face of what seems to be entire oblivion, not so obvious. Celestia just finished telling her that other ponies faded away from the astral and were gone forever! So far as she could tell, this god was here to make sure she faded away 'like a good little pony'. She didn't want to vanish, so she fought, and she ran, and she ripped a hole back into the material world, screaming back to unlife.
5645119
Indeed, that's quite the reason to search for more definite (and non-oblivion'ing) solutions. But I can't not think about the lulz factor when she finds out that she didn't need to do it... AND that she passed on the chance to talk shop with the Booky Godess!!! XD
All in all, can't wait to see how this will go. Rather unexpected to see a adventure fic like this one, and a good surprise at that.
5644903 It bumps it up to resurrection, it looks like. I thought being undead just meant you had to destroy the undead before you could raise them, but it looks like it poisons them the same way a death effect does.
Although I thought that it worked that way because the death effect or being undead poisoned the body, so coming back as a ghost wouldn't do that in the same way that coming back as a ghoul would. The rules don't make a distinction though. I'd say 'I've been playing it wrong' but it actually never came up, so.
5645337 Live and learn, right? Or die and learn, in this case. Oh Twilight, favorite bookhorse.
5645027 Exposition of thoughts is almost always a bad idea if there is any alternative. You get more of a picture of someone as a character any time you can imply something instead of saying it. I think having Long Road be shy towards us as well as toward the other characters reinforces his personality and makes him seem more genuine. A story can only have one point of view at any given time, and restricting that to a small number of characters makes the story more immersive. For example, it is much easier to portray Pinkie Pie's randomness from someone else's perspective than it is to try and simulate her impossible thought processes. As far as I can remember, we have only been directly inside the heads of Twilight and Spike.
5645821 I disagree that exposition is necessarily a bad thing, and that one should always seek an alternative. Likewise, the idea that something should be implied rather than stated outright is, at best, a very loose guideline - one that's not applicable in a wide variety of situations.
Having Long Road be "shy" towards the reader doesn't, in my opinion, necessarily help to communicate his nature or reactions towards a given character or situation; it's why his apparently-deep feelings for Rarity came across as somewhat odd, since we had virtually no inclination that he was falling for her. Heck, it's why we didn't realize why Rarity was coming onto him so much, and made her confession that she wanted to make Twilight jealous so surprising.
In some cases, of course, this is a good thing - I enjoyed the revelation that Rarity's feelings were (initially) a ploy - but as I said, it's a guideline, not a rule, hence why Long Road's feelings came across rather oddly.
While a story can only demonstrate one point of view at a time, that's a restriction that has little meaning, since "at a time" consists of little more than "in a given scene." Even then, I'm not sure that I agree with that restriction. Whenever the focus changes to a particular character, you can absolutely write what they're thinking and feeling, in addition to what they're saying and doing. That it's difficult to do that for some particular characters, e.g. Pinkie Pie, is not a indictment of the entirety of the idea.
Personally, I wish the story had more exposition as a whole, as that's perhaps the one major weakness I think that it has. A significant portion of the text comes across as though we were standing there; that is, it tells us what the characters are (as I mentioned before) saying and doing, without telling us what they're thinking and feeling. As you noted, we have had that more for some characters than others, but with the "mane" cast members growing larger, I think the story would be better served if we had more of that for the rest of them.
5645906 I was told that 'telling' is bad, when it comes to thoughts. Show more, tell less. Let someone do something for a good reason, but they don't have to shout that reason while they do it. Fluttershy dove for Twilight because she cares for Twilight a lot. She didn't need to say that she likes Twilight, because her actions make this clear enough.
In this case, both Rarity and Long Road were living a bit of a lie back and forth. Rarity's sudden flirtations made him uncomfortable since she is a pretty mare and he wasn't sure what was going on and didn't want to hurt Twilight and oh Sun Queen above, what's up with mares these days? She fits his classical definition of a fine lady, a noblewoman, all pretty and bright of spirit, but so delicate. He wants to protect her, and have her, all at once.
5645906
Exposition is the part you skip to get to the story. Most important details can be hidden in the story, but exposition that doesn't flow from the previous thought feels irrelevant or intrusive.
On the contrary, I knew they were going to be a thing from the moment they met.
That is a good thing. A popular description of this style is "show, don't tell." You are more attracted to ideas you think you came up with yourself, so any details that are implied are more believable than details that are declared openly. The only time a story should not follow this exact model is when it is told in first person, with the main character referring to itself as "I" or "me".
oh O.O wooooooooooooooooow Rarity is a fucking SLUT, your friend just died less than 48 hours ago and you are already putting the moves on her territory. I mean give the man some time to grieve
5646038 There's no need to be vulgar.
Phew. Glad to see someone cast gentle repose. And I'm very glad to be wrong about Equestria not knowing about it.
I admit, Rarity and Long are cute together, though this is going to make Twilight's announcement even more awkward for the both of them. I'd recommend consulting with the local love priest, but that would probably amount to Soft Mane blurting something out in a panic.
Spike... may be a bit happier about it. Or, as I said earlier, he may see Twilight as a floating, translucent symbol of his failure. We'll have to see.
Luna's warning is very interesting. It seems Twilight is far from the first Equestrian undead. Indeed, there seem to have been times of twenty-sided tumult in the world's past. Most curious...
One temporal typo:
This is a question and needs to be punctuated as such.
5645934 I've heard that sentiment of "show, don't tell" before, and I think that it's more applicable to visual media than to storytelling. Insofar as written works go, I believe that's more of a general guideline that you should interpose exposition with action. Putting us in the minds of your characters is not a bad thing, so long as you don't get mired in it - but then, that's true for any particular element of a story.
You're not wrong that if a character's actions unambiguously demonstrate their state of mind, then there's little need to restate the point. However, I'm of the opinion that such clarity is comparatively uncommon. It's a strength that we can see a character's reactions and the reasons for their reactions, since that lends us greater insight into why they do what they do, and by extension, who they are.
I think a good example of this can be found in the following passage (from Knight of the Black Rose, chapter sixteen, where Azrael watches Lord Soth destroy his treacherous ghostly retainer, Caradoc):
The action is in the lines of dialogue that are spoken, but the last two sentences provide great exposition, since they give us new insight into the character doing the speaking. We know from the spoken lines that Azrael is afraid of their current location, but the exposition tells us that there's a secondary reason for his fear: that he may come to the same bad end that he's witnessing visited on another. We wouldn't know that otherwise, so this is giving us additional insight, and doing so in a way that adds to, rather than distracts from, the story. That's an excellent example of expository material.
As it is, that paragraph you wrote has some stuff that would have worked well in the story. Having Long ruminating over how he didn't understand Rarity, and that he felt conflicted between her and Twilight, or between wanting to protect her and wanting to be with her, would have shown us another side to him.
To summarize, good exposition is another way of showing, rather than telling.
5645948 If you're skipping part of the story as a matter of course, simply because you don't like a particular style of writing (e.g. exposition), then I suspect it's not an issue with the writing. Similarly, talking about "exposition that doesn't flow from the previous thought" isn't wrong, but it's not intrinsic to the nature of exposition itself - what you're describing is simply bad writing, which can be of any stripe.
That said, I disagree strongly that it's a good thing to simply keep the story to a realm where you're only writing the actions that are performed or the words that are spoken - to do so is to give away one of the strongest features that writing has over visual media, which is the ease with which exposition can be narrated. Movies and TV shows have a much harder time with doing that, because they're necessarily much more limited in giving us direct insights into a character's motivations, instead having to have them verbalize it (and voice-over is just another form of that). Writing, good writing, can speak to the characters' state of mind directly.
It can be fun to come up with your own ideas regarding a story, to be sure, but that's not an indictment of the story presenting its own take on the characters. Exposition is a strength, not a weakness, of writing, no matter what the cliches say.
5646366 Temporal anomaly addressed. It is hinted pretty sharply that Equestria was once a much more dangerous place to be before the peaceful current reign of the sisters over a, mostly, tamed kingdom. The mistress of dreams and the night felt like a natural guardian against ghosts, but this is me thinking about it now. At the time the words just kind of spilled out and they felt right so I didn't erase them. Luna made her position clear, but did not attack Twilight. She hopes to never have to lift a hoof against Twilight, but she will, if it means the safety of others.
5646377 I think our disagreement may stem from a slightly different definition of "exposition". I was using it to mean a simple information dump, but I think you were using it to mean any statement of fact, am I correct?
Your sample quote,
is an example of what I though I was defending as well. The dwarf's reason for panic is much too complicated to simply act out, but the information provided is the minimum required for clarity.
What I don't like is cases where the above would be phrased: "That ghost could have been me," Azreal thought to himself. Out loud he said, "Quickly! Kill him..."
It's a subtle difference, but if you are too explicit it sounds like someone reading a script instead of reacting to a real event.
In the specific case of Long Road + Rarity, I suspect that the obscurity was at least partially intentional. If the events of this chapter were supposed to be a surprise, all of the hints in previous chapters would be hidden on purpose (we'd have to ask Mr. Silver to know for sure)
5645934
Don't be discouraged by all the nitpicking. If we (the readers) are getting into fights on subjective stylistic issues, it can only mean we can't find anything else wrong with the story. (because we have to fight about something )
5647742 I believe you're right in that we may be assigning different meanings (perhaps more than slightly so) to the term "exposition." I wasn't referring so much to any statement of fact as I was to instances of a character's thoughts or feelings being expressed in third-person omniscient narration.
Insofar as an "info dump" goes, I personally don't like them either; that doesn't have anything to do with the rhetorical style of expository writing, however - it's just that bad writing is bad, regardless of the style. Information should be presented organically, in a manner that's interesting and makes sense within the context of the story. If that's done well, then it doesn't matter if it's in the course of a conversation or a narration of a character's feelings; it's still enjoyable to read.
You mentioned that you preferred the minimum amount of exposition required for clarity. I don't disagree (though I'd have phrased it differently) - my major critique was that I felt there were times that minimum wasn't being achieved, was all. I do agree that the motivations leading up to the mutual love confessions between Rarity and Long Road were hidden at least partially on purpose, though, since Rarity's confession that she was trying to incite Twilight's jealousy was a twist in the story.
Having said all of that, I want to echo the sentiment that I hope that David isn't dispirited by our debate - its foundation is that we enjoy this fic so much.
I sure hope Twilight lost her libido along with her body, or she'll be sooooooooooo pissed.