Poor Fluttershy

by Endorb

The Problem

Fluttershy looked at the clock. it's only been a minute? She thought to herself, I need to calm... EEEP! She started as she heard a chirping sound. She turned to the window it had come from, and saw a pair of birds. "oh no, I'm sorry little birdies, but you need to go," she nervously said before pensively adding: "Um, if you don't mind, I mean. I don't want to be rude or anything." The birds left, which both made her sigh in relief relieved and feel slightly disheartened at having to send them away. I was too harsh. I'll make up for it later. She’d made sure all the animals were away for this, as usual. Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. Her heart filled with a sense of dread as she approached it, and hesitantly pulled it open. "T-Twilight!?" Fluttershy gasped in surprise.

“Hey Fluttershy. How’re you?” Twilight cheerfully asked.

Fluttershy was not in the mood for visitors. I have to get rid of her quickly, she hurriedly thought, I hope I can do it without hurting her feelings! Her mind hurried for an excuse before she finally said “Oh, um, I’m fine Twilight. I was just, uh, taking a break from my cleaning. Busy work, you know?”

“Yeah, cleaning the library can be a real chore, even with Spike’s help. I don’t have anything to do, and we haven’t seen each other in a while, how about I help you?”

“No! I mean, I wouldn’t want to burden you, and um, I rather enjoy having some time alone to clear my thoughts out, and, um...” Fluttershy began nudging Twilight away. “I really don’t feel like talking right now. Bit of a sore throat.” Fluttershy cleared her throat for emphasis, and gave her friend what was supposed to be a reassuring smile, but just looked suspicious.

"Well, okay… But if you need help, don’t hesitate to ask. I don’t see you as much as I’d like to.” Twilight said, glancing uncertainly at Fluttershy before turning back. Fluttershy was barely listening to her friend, focusing on concealing her panic. Hurry up and leave! Please! As soon as Twilight was out of view, Fluttershy lay down on the couch, her energy sapped from that encounter.

I really wish I didn’t have to lie, it’s a horrible thing to do. She had barely touched the couch when another round of knocking sounded from her door. Her dread from earlier returned as she got up and opened it. This time it was Rainbow Dash that was at the door. “Hey, Flutters. What’s up?” she said with her usual cheery-but-cool demeanor.

“Hi Rainbow, how’re you?” Fluttershy asked hesitantly.

“well, to tell you the truth, I’ve had a horrible day.” oh no! Fluttershy thought “What was so bad about it?”.
Rainbow merely shrugged “Just a bunch of little things that have been bringing me down for a while. I need a pick-me-up”

As usual, Fluttershy didn't see it until it was too late. There was a large bruise where her wing usually covers. She hadn’t even realized her wings had been out, and now she hurt immensely, barely able to breath. The one to her other side wasn’t nearly as hard, but it still hurt quite a lot. “Whoo. Thanks Flutters, I feel much better. Remember,” Fluttershy recited the warning with Rainbow “Don’t tell anybody, or you both’ll get it.” Fluttershy let out a weak meep in response. This is something she’s been hearing for decades now. She walked over to the couch and lie there, barely able to breath, watching the clock. Funny, I’m still watching the clock was her last complete thought as she just stared at the clock, her brain and body going numb.

5 minutes... 10 minutes... 30 minutes... an hour passed; but still she lie there in a numb pain, focusing on her breath, which was still difficult to come by. She was only roused from her sleep-like state by Angel Bunny. “Oh, Angel, how long have I been lying here?” She looked back at the clock and actually read it. I’ve been lying there nearly 2 hours! I hope the animals weren’t worried! Fluttershy got up, that alone warranting a pause to pant. Rainbow’s workout routine is certainly working for her. Ow. Angel noticed how much pain Fluttershy was in and gave her a concerned stare. “Oh, it’s nothing Angel. I just hurt myself a bit. I‘ll be fine.” She reassured him. He was still sceptical, and tapped his large foot. “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll be good as new in no time.” He decided that this wasn’t going to lead anywhere anytime soon, and pretended to be convinced.

Fluttershy was glad that she’d convinced Angel, but she was the one that needed convincing of that. I can barely breathe. Hopefully I’ll heal soon, I’m already neglecting the animals enough as it is. She started going outside, but walking in her condition felt like the most laborious thing she’s ever done. She progressed slowly and painfully, both for her and Angel. The bunny was barely walking, but it still was fast enough to keep up with Fluttershy. The bunny knew he needed to get her some help quickly. He walked patiently beside her as she approached the door, but as soon as they were outside he went out of view, and went towards Ponyville. He had to get somepony to come over and help.

Fluttershy, meanwhile, was still standing outside. It was a nice day, with a bright sun that was tangible, nearly undetectable breeze and an air temperature that was very warm, verging on hot. While this made it a lovely day to be outdoors, none of these factors were conducive to easing breathing difficulties. Fluttershy’s cottage was at least cool, but the air felt so thin to her right then that she was certain that she was about to pass out and die from oxygen deprivation. And then all the animals will have no caretaker, and then they’ll have to live in the Everfree Forest where they’ll end up in the belly of a wild manticore! That thought would have caused her to hyperventilate if she wasn’t already breathing so heavily. She saw the birds from earlier were patiently waiting on the nearby fence, and tried to walk towards them. She had to move one hoof at a time to keep herself conscious. I can… hardly… move… I’m running… out of… breath

The horrible realization struck her like another punch from Rainbow Dash. She wasn’t going to make it anywhere, now in the middle of her yard. If only… I hadn’t… sent the… animals… away. Even her thoughts were becoming cumbersome on her poor lungs, which were working harder than she’d ever imagined possible. She wasn’t even feeling pain anymore, having shorted out her pain nerves. The only remaining sensation was exhaustion, whose relentless attrition was more than Fluttershy could take, and she found herself on the ground. Her eyes declined to open, her lungs refused to strain themselves further, and her hooves were finished carrying her, but she was unaware of this, welcoming the comforting embrace of the grass below. She wasn’t sure, but in the briefest moments before she lost consciousness, she thought she heard a voice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A stabbing pain in her chest...
The feeling of light on her face…
Something else was on her muzzle…
The voices were coming into focus now
“Is she going to be okay?”

“I’m not sure. but I wouldn’t hope for full recovery anytime soon. It’s a miracle she wasn’t dead already”
I remember now. I fainted in the yard because I couldn’t breath. That thought made her realize she wasn’t breathing, but air was being forced through her. She listened to the voices, which were starting to sound like ponies she recognized.

“I should have stayed with her. maybe then she wouldn’t have hurt herself” Was that Twilight?

“Aw, sugarcube. Don’t fret. This ain’t your fault. I just hope she’s alright. Doctor said her lungs took one heck of a beatin’”. That accent… Applejack?

“I’m just glad I found Angel Bunny when I did, or I’d never have gotten her here in time.” Angel… He saved me? Fluttershy gathered all her strength and opened her eyes, despite their best efforts. She was greeted by lots of light, which faded the sight of her friends, plus a couple others. “She’s awake! I’ll tell the doctor” Lyra trotted out of the room. Everybody gasped, especially Pinkie, and turned towards her.

The first to speak was Twilight, whose mane was notably disheveled and frayed “Fluttershy, you’ve had us all so worried, we thought you were dying. I should’ve stayed with you. I’m sorry. I’m so glad that you’re awake.” Twilight was tearing up in joy, and stepped back to indicate she finished talking to the hospitalized mare. Applejack, then Rarity, then Pinkie Pie each shared the same teary eyed expressions of relief at her waking before Lyra and the doctor returned.

“awake already? That’s a medical record. How’re you feeling Fluttershy?” She let out a weak meep in reply.

“I figured as much. your lungs have several punctures and were verging on collapse. You’d have been dead hours ago if you weren’t a pegasus. Doesn’t change the fact that full recovery will take decades and a large amount of luck, unfortunately. You haven’t recovered enough to breath on your own, either. it’ll be a month at the earliest before that happens” That’s horrible! what’ll happen to the animals, and how will my friends deal with this?

“How long was I out?” she efforted at saying, it barely being comprehensible.

“A day or so. I’ll let you and your friends catch up with each other a bit while I tend my other patients” The doctor said as he left the room. Rainbow Dash came up to Fluttershy, tears in her eyes, and hugged her tightly. A faint “remember” could be heard by the bedridden pony, something she didn’t need to hear. She knew that Rainbow’s tears were real, but so were her threats. She hadn’t meant to do this much harm to Fluttershy, even if she still didn’t regret hitting her. Fluttershy looked at the two other ponies in the room, Lyra and Bonbon.

“Angel brought us to you. He did have to kick me though” Bonbon told Fluttershy. “We thought we should stay and make sure you ended up alright.”

The next hour or so was mostly small talk, Fluttershy usually giving a weak nod or small noise in reply to what was being said, as she could only speak in difficult small bursts. But then somepony asked the dreaded question “How did you get so badly hurt?” Both Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash froze up at the question. After pausing for either a couple minutes or an eternity, Fluttershy started a response “Well, um, I was cleaning, and my, uh, my bookshelf fell on me.” She was met with skepticism.

“But darling, the doctor said that you couldn’t have been hit with something bigger than a hoof; and that there was nothing anywhere else in your body. Is that what really happened?” Fluttershy was extremely nervous at this point, sure that Rarity was going to be tackled by Rainbow Dash any second now.

“Uh... yes?” She was visibly shaking, and although it was obvious nopony believed her, they didn’t hold on that fact. Soon, visiting hours were over, and everypony went home, Rainbow giving a final warning glance at her injured friend.

The next week was very slow and painful, as Fluttershy had little to do but let her worries get the best of her when her friends weren’t around, and her fear of Dash made her uncomfortable when they all came to visit. There weren’t any more reminders, because both of them knew she didn’t need any more. However, one day Twilight came alone during the evening. “I’m sorry ma’am, but visiting hours are over” the doctor told her.

“It’s okay, this should clear that up” Twilight said as she levitated a note to the doctor. Fluttershy noticed the princess’ seal was on it. After a second, the doctor nodded, and walked off solemnly, his expression remained a practiced neutral.

“So, how’re you feeling?” She attempted to make small talk, even though she’d asked that last time she was there, only a few hours ago. Fluttershy didn't respond. “You know why I’m here, don’t you? Nopony believes your story of how this happened” Twilight saw Fluttershy tense quite a bit, and took that as confirmation “Listen Fluttershy, I need you to be honest with me so I can help you. Why aren’t you telling us how you really almost died? We’re all really concerned”

“I can’t.” Fluttershy wished with all her heart she could ease her friends worries, but she couldn’t.

“Why not?”

“I’ve already said too much” Fluttershy cowered under her blanket “Please, just go away!”

Twilight tried to calm her friend. “Fluttershy, there’s nothing to be scared about. See this note? That’s Princess Celestia herself saying I need to figure out what happened to you, and it says to send word immediately if I need any help. You’re safe telling me anything.” Fluttershy was calmed by her friend’s words. But can I tell her? can I risk her safety for this?

“You understand this could put you in danger?” Twilight gave a firm nod. She readied a quill and parchment in case she needed to take notes, as she usually does.

“Well, it’s Rainbow Dash. She’s the one that did this to me”

Twilight looked confused “She caused this to happen? How?”

Fluttershy almost lost the courage to continue telling the truth, but she knew she had to “Rainbow dash DID this. She’s been hitting me since I've known her. She always threatened me that anypony I told would get beat too, so I never risked telling anypony. But also because I DO like having Dash as a friend, and I don’t want to risk losing her, even if she does hit me.” Fluttershy had to breath along with the machine after such a long spheel, which gave Twilight a chance to process this information.

Once all that had gone through Twilight’s head, she didn’t know what to think or do. She leaned in to give Fluttershy a hug. “Don’t worry, we’ll figure this out.” she whispered into her abused friends ear as she held her close. She could feel the repressed pain of her friend releasing, and slowly being dissipated. An eternity and several tears of relief later, the embrace was broken.

“So, what’s going to happen to Dash?” Fluttershy asked, concerned for her friend. Twilight took a minute to think about the situation.
Finally, she responded “Right now, nothing. We’ll keep this private between us two, and eventually us six, and we’ll make sure she has a better way to relieve stress. If she ever tries to hit you again, tell us right away.”

Fluttershy thought that was a very well thought out plan, and accepted it. “Okay, now I’ll send a letter to the princess to say that the problem has been solved. Should I tell her what happened?”

“I don’t know, you decide.”

“Okay. After that, I’ll go home and pretend this never happened, and we can figure out when to tell everypony else. You can give me a signal or something.” The two gave each other nods of agreement, then Twilight left, and shortly afterwards the doctor re-entered to resume his routine.

It took a few days, but one visit, Fluttershy gave a nod to Twilight. Twilight quickly understood. “I have something I need to say, everypony” Everypony looked at Twilight. She waited for Fluttershy to give her another nod before continuing. “First off, what I say cannot leave the 6 of us, understand?” After everyone agreed, she took one final breath before revealing the truth. “I know what happened to Fluttershy. Rainbow Dash has been hitting her since the two were foals.” The room was filled with pure shock at that remark “She also has been threatening Fluttershy that whoever she told would get a worse beating.”

Applejack nearly jumped at Dash, if she weren’t stopped by Twilight throwing up a shield between them “Girls, before you do anything brash, Fluttershy wants to remain friends with Rainbow. Don’t retaliate with more violence. I propose we make her make up to Fluttershy and prevent this from ever happening again, and Fluttershy agrees.” The pegasus nodded in response, and Twilight lowered the shield, ready to throw it up again.

“I can’t believe you’d go ‘round hittin’ poor defenseless Fluttershy! If I had it my way, you’d be in a world of hurt right ‘bout now!” Applejack gave an angry glare for a moment longer, then turned to leave.

Rarity was equally furious “I can’t believe you! How dare you strike somepony else! You nearly killed darling Fluttershy!” The unicorn resisted the urge to spit at Rainbow, and left with a “hmph!”

Rainbow Dash was utterly horrified that her secret had been exposed. She couldn’t believe that Fluttershy had told Twilight. Of course she felt bad for doing so much damage to her good friend, but after her friends showed such contempt for her, she was half ready to find the nearest cloud to jump off. She knew she didn’t deserve her friends forgiveness, but she was glad they gave it to her anyway. She left without a word, her mind racing to make it up to Fluttershy, the consequences of her actions now finally entering her mind for the first time, as even hospitalizing her friend hadn’t done, and hit her like a train. She finally realized she could deny the error of her ways no longer. She vowed to change herself. She hoped she could eventually show her face again. Her mind continued to race for the rest of the day, dealing with the reality of her behavior.

Rainbow spent the next few days refusing to leave her home, wrestling with denial. She knew that she could no longer turn a blind eye to the pain and misery she had caused her dearest friend to simply relieve her stress. She knew that if she left her home she would be berated by everypony, and her reputation was ruined. Every time she walked past a window, she was extremely tempted to just jump out of it, but she knew that that wouldn't make up for what she'd put Fluttershy though. It was a week later when she finally returned to the hospital to confront Fluttershy. "I finally see how horrible I've been to you after all these years of pretending it was perfectly normal. I know I can never hope for you to forgive anything I've done, but I'm going to make it up to you however I can!" Fluttershy put a hoof up to signal RD to quiet.

"I already forgave you." They then nuzzled eachother, which was awkward with Fluttershy being hooked up to all sorts of medical equipment. "I just need one thing. While I'm here, can you take care of my animals?" Rainbow agreed, her eyes tearing in relief.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It has been 6 months since Fluttershy first entered the hospital, and she was finally cleared to leave, with a portable breathing apparatus. Dash had held up her promise to take care of her animals, although both her and the animals were glad to find out Fluttershy would be caretaking again. It took a few months, but the rest of the group was talking with Rainbow again, although they still didn't trust her quite like they used to. That would never happen again, but Dash accepted it for all the pain she’d caused her friend. Fluttershy was noticeably more outgoing and confident than anypony remembered her, now that she didn't have to worry about accidentally letting her secret slip. The only thing left was her recovery, which was still a long and arduous process that had to be done. She wasn't expected to breath on her own for another year, but in a way, she was breathing easier than ever.

Dear princess Celestia,
I am glad to report that Fluttershy is well on her way to recovery, and I would like to thank you. We never would have gotten to the bottom of this event without your aid, and I am glad you are willing to allow me to withhold the result on Fluttershy's behalf. I have learnt that even in extreme circumstances, a pony can recover with a little support and guidance from her friends.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note:

Don't take my "abusive Dash" idea too seriously. Hoped you like my little story, and feel free to leave feedback as always. Hope you enjoyed!
Thanks to my friends Katie and Jessie for proofreading the story.

Comments

[Pentrath]

My question is...why? The story never explains why Rainbow did it nor why she felt regret doing it despite her continuing to do it. It would have made since if at first Rainbow didn't care but later on finally saw her error through some kind of karma, but Rainbow Dash abusing her while regretting it suggest that there had to be a reason behind it and why some alternative could have been made. Don't be discouraged, it was a good story, its just Rainbows behavior seems to be that of a bully and sociopath, which would make the confrontation scene worse,not better for Fluttershy sense she told, the way you wrote her however suggest that she didn't want to do it but saw no better alternative.

[Endorb]

5568022 that would be the fault of those story gaps I mentioned in the A/N. It cut off some of that paragraph. I've put some of it back in, but I'd already removed the Gdoc, so it's not quite as full as it was.
Even without that,

the consequences of her actions now finally entering her mind for the first time, as even hospitalizing her friend hadn’t done

it was addressed, even if it wasn't focused on. Hopefully it's better than before

[cosmicobubisi]

Good, but please go into more detail. And please make it so Dashie picks a side! It really bothered me how Dash couldn't decide whether to defend herself or apologize. Also, Dash had no motivation! It could have been any of her schoolmates and the story wouldn't have changed much. Thanks.:pinkie happy: I liked it, though.

[ShadeTail]

This is an interesting concept, and it could be an excellent story if it were done right. But your description of the characters feels stiff and forced, and you wrap it all up too quickly and neatly.

[Dr Judgement]

A bit too quick to fixing Rainbow Dash's "problem" but it is interesting idea in that this is the first time anypony.. err I mean anyone has ever suggested that Fluttershy's personality is the result of Rainbow Dash's abuse instead of her parents and it's not unheard of for a "friend" or two to be abusive in some shape, manner or form .......But all I'll really say about that fact is sadly I know all too well for a fact they really do exist....

[Endorb]

5568706 well in truth, I only chose Dash because she knew Fluttershy the longest
5568710 I seem to have trouble with that when it comes to short stories. Perhalps you can give examples and ways I might fix it?
5568888 I find it a no-brainer. RBD was her friend since childhood and followed her to ponyville. Sorry to hear about your problems (don't take that the wrong way)

[cosmicobubisi]

5583827 Hmm. Makes sense, though I still need the motivation.

[Endorb]

5585171

Just a bunch of little things that have been bringing me down for a while. I need a pick-me-up

that line indicates that she does it to relieve stress. If you want a different conclusion than that, you're on your own.

[Dr Judgement]

5583827 ; Eh; No problem; It was long time ago and I learned to read between the lines ages ago and it don't bother me anymore...Way I look at it now....it was their problem not mine.

[LegionPothIX]

I found myself lured here by curiosity of your stated problem in the Writer's Group forums with regards to immersion. I wanted some first hand experience with your writing so I could give you more constructive feedback than what I had already provided in that thread.

There are several very obvious things that, as an author, you could really benefit from improving. The very first and foremost of which is technical skill. If, while editing this story, you had payed half as much attention to the technical correctness of the sentences as you seem to do in the forums, you may have received more helpful responses with regards to immersion. That is the first thing, technical skill, the ability to follow the basic rules of grammar, punctuation, and sentence structuring. There are many places in the story where--aside from the obvious flat-out incorrect grammar, punctuation, and missing capitalization--that the structuring of the sentence (and the idea of the sentence) is totally ambiguous. This wasn't the first thing that I noticed, and didn't pick up on it until R.D. entered the scene. However, it is one of the most basic things (easiest to fix) that can impede immersion.

On a more difficult, yet more apparent note, the first thing I did notice is that there isn't a single line of "show" in the whole work. "Show don't tell" can be an ambiguous thing to define, so I'll just say that it stems from a simple idea. We, as people, do a majority of our communication through nonverbal conveyance. Over 90% of the information we convey in any given interaction is this type of information.

That means, not just telling people things. We emote, we have body language, and we stress emphasis in our dialogue (both internal and external). We don't need to tell people we're emphasizing things when we punctuate with action. Obviously, a story can't have these 9:1 ratios, but to have so little, if any at all, creates a wall between the author and the reader. A wall that makes the reader feel as if they're not experiencing a story, someone is just reporting one to them.

All in all, the neglectful technical writing, that I have evidence you know better shows us that you either don't respect your audience, or don't care about your work. Whether or not you feel that this is true it is what your writing is demonstrating. Further, the missing emotives and over reliance of "tell" makes it feel like we're only getting 5% of the story and not the worthwhile 5%.

There is a lot of advice that I could give you to improve in both of these areas, but your work suggests that you haven't even bothered experimenting yourself. That you haven't critically thought of just how people function on a basic level, which is why your characters don't feel like people, which in turn is why audiences can't get invested in them. That is the disconnect which make establishing immersion impossible.

Lastly, I did in fact thumb down the story. I felt that, as an author who has brought better technical writing to the forums, you have wasted my time here by not bringing the same level of technical writing to your arguably more important work.

[Endorb]

5712126 thank you for your time`and feedback

Why is it that whenever I get a comment about my grammar, they never give an example. I think my problem with that aspect comes from editing it for too little time, and I need better pre-readers. The thing is, in LA I get almost perfect with the grammar. I definitely spend more time worrying over grammar in stories than the forum posts that I barely reread.

I definitely failed in avoiding that problem, unfortunately. I've never been particularly bad with that apparently.

"punctuate with action"? I've no idea what that's supposed to mean.

when you say you have evidence that shows I know better, re you referring to the forums again? Because all I do for those is look for a missing word and the red line.

To be honest, those complaints about the characters not feeling like people, that is the EXACT same complaint I got when I wrote stories about myself. Apparently I'm not human, so I have trouble understanding them. Also, as far as experimenting goes, writing for a character that's not mine is definitely new to me, especially since I'm used to characters that are always planning, but I've had quite the experimentation and variety. Maybe I don't show it, but I do have the experimentation.

All in all, I think my stupidity rushed the work far too much, and I put too much faith in my pre-readers. Although I can't explain the whole shift from the technical skill of my unedited forum posts being missed in my writing where I do edit things a lot.

[LegionPothIX]

5712714 I don't typically leave direct example feedback on a story page because, if the story is changed, then the comment isn't relevant anymore. So I'll PM you the details directly.

[Brody Deitrick]

I HAVE 14 WORDS FOR YOU!: IT'S A VERY BAD STORY NEVER EVER HURT FLUTTERSHY EVEN IN A JOKE STORY!

[Brody Deitrick]

5780007 side note i just like good Fluttershy/Flutterbat ,Discord ,Vinyl and Lyra storys