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Fall Of Equestria

After the Fall of Three Princesses, Apple Bloom soon found herself in the snow of an unfamiliar forest, with the forces of evil scattering across the place. She would have perished if it wasn't for a mysterious stallion, who lend her a hoof. Now the odd duo must find the way back to Ponyville, before the soldiers of despair find them first.
This is book one of the Fall Of Equestria series.

Chapters (2)

Chapter 1: Dusk · 24th Dec 2014 · 2,113 words
2,113
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Chapter 2: Crying "Wolf" · 6th Jan 2015 · 1,065 words
1,065
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Comments ( 1 )

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A Random Guy

A Random Guy #1 · Jan 22nd, 2015 · · · Chapter 2: Crying "Wolf" ·

Alright, I found lots of tense switches, some odd grammar, but that's usually fixed with practice. Dialogue was awkward. Again, that's fixed with practice.

Anyways, I have no grasp on the world you're trying to build. The story hops between points and we don't spend any time with the characters. Sure, Applebloom may not know what's going on, but she does know what she's experiencing. Events just happen.

Also, the first paragraph is completely unnecessary. It's useless information that the reader doesn't need to know. All we need is what she's experiencing right now.