Red Meat
"I'm dying," he said, wringing his hands as Applejack and Rarity traded glances.
"Well," said Rainbow Dash, "you don't exactly look healthy."
“That’s just super-duper sad!” Pinkie said as she sidled up next to him and threw a foreleg around his shoulder. “I bet you’d feel better if you ate some cake.” She held a three-layer cake with her other hoof, and gestured somehow with her eyebrows. He knew better than to ask where it came from, or even how she could balance it with a single hoof.
Twilight spoke up. “It’s not cake he needs to eat.” When she had the attention of the other four ponies, she continued. “He needs to eat meat.”
Rainbow Dash picked Pinkie’s jaw up off of the floor and held it in place while Rarity finished her petite gasping. Applejack pulled her hat off of her head and held it over her heart. “I know some folks frown on it, but wouldn’t nobody say nothin’ if you ate some fish. I know Fluttershy feeds it to her pet bear and whatnot.”
He ran his fingers through the shaggy brown mop that hadn’t seen a barber in months. Twilight cleared her throat. “We’ve already tried that. We’ve tried everything.”
Five pairs of eyes met his as he looked up and sighed. “My species is fundamentally different than yours. We evolved from carnivorous apes. Please, you have to understand. There’s no magic on my world. The animals we raised for food were no more conscious or aware than your apple trees. But here…” He looked at the ponies gathered around him, and recalled each of the deer he had butchered. Different cuts of meat appeared to his vision, squirming under their skin as they shuffled uncomfortably in the silence; tenders, steaks, shoulder roast.
His fingers were numb and cold; a symptom of the vitamin deficiencies that were slowly degrading his nervous system, but the same cold that seeps into the bones of one’s fingers when butchering an ice-cold animal. The kind of numb that lets a cut escape notice until there’s too much blood, all mixed together. And all the blood looks the same. An involuntary sob escaped his throat.
Rainbow flapped up into the center of attention. “Isn’t Fluttershy kinda the expert on feeding exotic animals? How hard could it be for her to find some sort of fancy monkey-chow?” She looked sideways at the human. “No offense.”
“None taken, featherbrain.” He stuck out his tongue. She returned the gesture.
The wave of giggles died out quickly as the gravity of the situation returned to the forefront of everyone’s mind.
“Red meat.” He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. “The flesh of a mammal. We raised cows. Goats.” His voice lowered to a whisper. “Horses.”
“We ain’t gonna blame ya for what ya did back in your world. You’re here now, and you ain’t killin’ ponies for food. Which we surely do appreciate. But Dash had a good point. Why ain’t Fluttershy here?”
“I didn’t want to put that kind of a burden on her. To choose between me and picking an animal to kill…” He shook his head. “I couldn’t ask her to do that. I couldn’t look at her again.”
Rarity waved a hoof toward the tangle of tubes, beakers and multi-colored flames. “You can’t find some sort of a substitute with all your sciencey… whatever that is?”
“There were a number of dietary deficiencies we have identified since he arrived,” Twilight said. “His gums stopped bleeding when we gave him a citrus-heavy diet—”
“Vitamin C,” he interjected.
“Which,” Twilight continued, “we didn’t even have a word for, because our bodies synthesize it naturally. We never even knew it existed. Normally, a carnivore like him would get enough of this ‘vitamin C’ from eating animals like, um—” she chuckled nervously “—well, animals which can synthesize it.”
“OOH, OOH!” shouted Pinkie. “So my lemon meringue pie saves lives. I knew it!” She began shuffling various fruit pies like a deck of cards; sideways, vertically, looping spirals that defied gravity. “Just gimme an alphabet of vitamins and I’ll whip up a smorgasbord of pies that’ll—”
Twilight stuck out a hoof, halting Pinkie in mid-shuffle. A cascade of pies fell like rain, pelting everyone with pastry shrapnel and bits of multi-colored fruit. Rarity paused to flick a single crumb of flaky crust off of her mane.
Twilight shook her head. “Sorry Pinkie, there’s a number of compounds that just don’t naturally occur in fruits or vegetables. We can survive on a diet of nothing but fresh grass, but—”
Rarity and Pinkie shared a horrified gasp and clung to each other, looking at Twilight as if she had just declared her intention to take over the world. She ignored them. “Our digestive system is optimized for this diet. A predator has no evolutionary pressure to force its body to manufacture these nutrients, when it can simply absorb them from prey species.”
Twilight rolled something that looked like a chalkboard in front of the human, revealing his internal organs on its screen. He stood up and leaned over the top, looking at his own insides. “Sure, why not,” he said with a roll of his eyes.
“Rarity, would you please join him behind the viewer?” Twilight asked.
Rarity began shuffling away from the screen. “Despite what they say in the storybooks, beauty really is only skin deep, darling.”
“Ooh, pickme pickme!” Pinkie shouted, waving one hoof in the air and bouncing where she sat.
The instant that Twilight nodded her assent, Pinkie zipped across the room to throw herself behind the screen. As she stood up and joined the human in looking down at her own organs, Twilight levitated a pointing stick to indicate ghostly figures that were displayed. “You can see that a pony’s digestive system makes up a larger proportion of body mass than does a human’s. With a less complex gut and no need to manufacture complex nutrients, the decreased metabolic cost of digestion would be a decided evolutionary advantage. In a world without magic, it’s nearly a foregone conclusion that the first species to develop sapience would be carnivorous.”
Rainbow landed in front of the screen. “Forget about the mega ball player, or whatever. Can we get this guy his vitamins or what?”
“I’ve had no luck magically replicating the nutrients he’s incapable of synthesizing. So the question is this. Can any of you think of a way to get red meat without, well, you know?”
“Ah may not be a scientist, Twi, but I’m pretty sure there’s only one way to get—” Applejack shuddered “—meat.”
Twilight said, “That’s pretty much been my conclusion. And if there’s no way to get meat without killing an animal” – she glanced at Applejack – “then we need to find a mammal that’s not aware.”
Rarity raised a dainty hoof. “I’m absolutely certain that Fluttershy can talk to any animal with fur.”
The human spoke up again. “I’m not going to kill an innocent animal that—”
Twilight interrupted him. “Then we need to find an animal that isn’t innocent.”
“Wait,” he said. “You want me to eat an animal that deserves to die? Where are we going to find something like that?”
“Angel.”
“Angel.”
“Angel.”
“Angel.”
“Yeah,” Rainbow added. “Angel is a dick.”
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This is the most glorious thing.
5409092
5409107 Mission accomplished! Also, General Patton was my grandmother's great uncle. Or something.
Perfect ending
I'll be honest, I was not expecting this. Normally, whenever in a HiE the human says he/she eats meat, every pony loses their shit. Even Fluttershy, who would be the most understanding when it comes to that matter. But no, you sir did it fucking right.
5409115 Serious. Patton is in my family tree.
5409164 Ha, thanks!
Angel deserves to die. Definately.
DEATH TO THE EVIL RABBIT, BUNNY THING. KILL IT KILL IT.
Man, what asshole thought this was a good idea? Oh, wait.
5409342 And what idiot decided to follow your advice? Oh, wait.
HA! That twist ending!
Alrighty. Great job. It was funny,
yes angel deserves to die, but as with the idiot who attacks alucard one can only respond with 'good luck with that'
Agreed. Let's kill that wabbit.
But on a serious note. Just ask the Griffons. They've got to have a solution.
At first I was was about to weigh in on the dietary nonsense, as I deal with that field on an daily basis. But then I read the story and laughed my ass off at the punchline. Good job, I loved it!
I am quite happy to not have to to go to great lengths to explain how some idiots(I mean vegans... eww) can get all nine essential amino acids from various combinations of grains, seeds, legumes, and souls of innocents sacrificed to eldritch horrors, and avoid being vitamin deficient entirely. So much trouble... when it's just so much easier to murderhobo a pig or cow and eat it with gravy (fuck yeah gravy!)
5409596 I'm glad you liked it. And yes, gravy is the best. So many things you can do with a roux!
Oh my god my sides.
This has less views than my fic, but my god it deserves way more!
Great job.
Ending got me.
Why not just eat ponies who have died and signed the donate-all-tissues form? Or brain-dead ponies, that way he could be a vegetarian.
5410066
Learn to biology.
5410295
Its a joke.
5409181
Patton?
battletanks.com/images/M46-3.jpg
(M46 Patton)
Yeah, last time I tried to pick an apple off of a tree, the tree ran away.
5410513 Well, trees can't run away. Neither can celery, or carrots, or spinach.
Yet, plants are very much alive. They have developed armor. Some of them have teeth. Many have poison. They react when they are injured. It can change their behavior. Have you ever felt a plant's pain? I've cut boring worms out of a squash vine, then carefully taped it back together. I spent ten years caring for a carnival rose bush. I knew when it was in pain. I knew when it was happy.
I've seen many deer. I've killed many. I've let many walk past. I've looked into their cold black eyes as I wait for them to take their last breath. There is no spark. No more than my rose bush, or squash vine. If you do X, a deer will respond with Y. Every time. No more complicated than a plant. There are animals, like dogs, with something more. I would never eat a dog.
I don't know whether you think I don't esteem animals high enough, or whether you don't esteem plants high enough.
5410677
not just that but depending on your definition of living only a virus is considered not living, if you are devote catholic a zygot is a living being. its all what you choose to believe.
also, yeah angel is a dick; eat him.
hmmmm. rabbit. *drools* just a quick bop on the head, and its done for. >:3
5409826 but then he has another problem. there's only 1 angel bunny. that's not gonna last him a long time.
mmm. a nice hassenpfeffer sounds really nice right now. the only problem is that it requires bacon to do properly
Oh this was epic
That last mentioning... This truly deserves a comedy tag. Keep up the good work!
Kill da wabbit! Kill da wabbit!
Now the question remains: How will Fluttershy take having to kill her favorite pet?
No lie. This made me very happy. Nothin like good ol' Angel Bunny stew to make my day.
Sir...I have no words beyond these:
Take my thumbs up! Take My Favorite! TAKE MY SOUL. Or actually, just have my laughs. They taste better. :D
All that for that one stupid joke.
Worth it.
Hello, I am your psychiatrist today! I can also be your lawyer.
So you say you killed a bunny who was being mean to everybody? And may I ask who the owner was?
...
Yup, I'm out of here.
GOOD LUCK FACING FUCKING FLUTTERSHY IN FRICKING RAGE MODE!
Fricking crazy ponies.
Ha! And after that's over... well, ponies, cows, donkey, and goats do all die naturally as well. So he could get by on a diet of aged beef. Assuming that Equestrian physics warps biology enough to make 'must eat red meat' a literal truism there, even if it's not true in our universe. Theirs might be a simpler logic - carnivores must eat meat, herbivores must eat plants, omnivores must eat some of everything.
But, humans are omnivores. He could totally survive on a vegetarian diet.
Brilliant
Well, that happened
Hap, now you need to add another story to your "featured" list.
Also, screw Angel.
You won.
5412430 Hey! You take your science and your facts and you get out of here, sir!
5412390 Um, as much as everything else is scientifically wrong in this story, I'm pretty sure you don't want to eat meat that died of natural causes. Accidents, perhaps. You could take that idea and write a really dark story, where ponies get suspicious of every lethal accident because they suspect he's behind it...
But I'm not going to write it.
Although I have a bachelor's degree in chemistry, I'm not going to bother with the science of the story. It is after all, a comedy. So I don't really see the need to whip out my textbooks and go on a tyrannical tirade of righteous indignation. I enjoyed the story mate. Dark comedy is best comedy.
5410295
You can find substitute to meat. But, in another world? Without good knowledge of biology both worlds - impossible (at least in time). After all - who says that apples in this world is the same that in our?
Ah hah hah hah! I was reading it, thinking this is an average story. Not bad, I want to see where it goes...
...and then I hit the punchline. I laughed out loud.