Isabella is a half changeling that feeds on the love of others. She is also a master thief and has built quite a name for herself in Canterlot.
When something goes wrong on a heist, she has to flee from Canterlot, leaving behind all she has. She also learns she has matured farther as a changeling and now must obtain the love she feeds on directly from somepony, just like her changeling siblings. There's just one problem. She can't change form.
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I've been waiting for a long time for a half-changeling story. The tags make me think there won't be a lot of introspection and contemplation on the nature of being a half-breed or how her parent's differences (if they showed her their conflicts) affected her. But, I love a good kissy-kissy action-adventure bit.
524111 Sorry. It's mostly the romance and action stuff I like to write. I'll try to explain somethings, but she isn't going go thinking much about her family. She doesn't know her dad, and she hates her mom, so its more of a focus on her present.
Additional commentary on reading and reflection: Spellcheckers don't detect context, leaving behind homophonic errors. There is also at least one plural/possessive error. It's hard to get through given the errors. And I feel rather saddened that there's no exploration of the "mistake" that gave rise to Isabella. And really: Dungus? Did you mean Dingus?
I liked this thieving sequence way more than the other, much more detailed and pretty darn awesome
Amazing every thing you would want in a story ponies, blood, thief's, changelings and half changeling super killy mega thief pony just epic proper looking forward to more!
very good hope you continue this
is this a replacement to your other story?
527452 Yes it sure it. It is the revised, and (in my opinion) much better version.
527502 i'll have to agree it just seems to flow so much smoother
527582 I know right?
OK... Good story. I'm getting a weird "Princess Bride" sort of vibe from this chapter. Anyone else get that sort of feeling?
527612 yep
"As ya wish."....why am I thinking that later on he's going to dress in a black outfit, wear a mask, and become a pirate?
Wow that was amazingly well done so far. That is all I can say.
Granny Smith is two words, just, at the base.
Also, you're still hitting a lot of the homophonic errors that will crop up from spell-checking without manually examining the piece. But I like the progression, and I really want to learn more about Isabella, especially her absent father, because that, obviously, was not necessarily his choice.
Some quick notes and examples
"She did not need to become the direct target of a ponies love to steal it." That should be pony's, it's possessive, not plural in that context.
"thinking live was perfect" 'life' should be there. Or 'their lives' if that's more to your preference.
"a smug look stretching her mussel." The word is "muzzle". That's almost a slant homophone, depending on native pronunciation.
So it's just little things like that. But as I said, overall I like this.
To add to Gabriel's help, "Corpse" is the term for a deceased body, not "Corps".
Really enjoying this. I'm noticing a lot more detail and elaboration compared to the original. Keep up the good work.
534324 Thanks you guys. Please send the corrections as private messages if you can in the future.
wow I really like how you are building up in the story and still keeping it moving along at the same time. Well done.
And then Sir Roderik died a horrible, long, painful death, while screaming like a little girl.
....I'm serious.
This has really grasped my attention and it doesn't seem willing to let go for quite some time. Please keep up the awesome work and thanks for writing something so good!
543715 Don't worry about that. He'll get whats coming to him.
Not to criticize but you meant telepathy not telekinesis. Other than that it's still a great story.
545695 lol. Just remember to send any other problems to me via Private message.
"Not much. Just skimming skimming through really. I had nothing better to do. But now," she said, as she closed the book, "I think it's times to get some rest."
You have two skimming's in there.
"I don't see why you're so unhappy. Its not like she'll be able to avoid us for very long. With my children and your 'soldiers' hunting her, the likely hood of her remaining undetected is very low. Now calm down before I take it upon myself to sedate you." said Chrysalis, tossing her hair slightly.
And you spell it 'likelihood' nto 'Likely hood', anyways its a good story regardless of those tiny flaws.
553956 Lol. Thanks. I'll edit those out.
553969
Always willing to help anyone I can
(is no wonder I'm always tired)
well done
Ahhh, yes, the "Celestia is clueless" school of thought. Torture and murder are not... very subtle. And this seems to imply there is no such thing as a constable, or agents that track missing ponies, or even investigate potential serial killers. In all, I find the social aspects take me out of the story. But I like the explanation of where Isabella came form.
555829 I guess I could put an "Alternative Universe" tag on the story. I didn't want to get Celestia involved, because they it would be too simple to get rid of Sir Roderick, so I kinda took her out of the story entirely. Sorry for that. I'll try to elaborate my plot a little more in later stories. Thanks though :D
555910
Ahhh, I see. Well, it's more than that, as I said. Constables, special agents and just other ponies should notice things like that. It's what takes me out of things like slasher movies or serial killer stories. But overall, I love the story and look forward to more.
555954 The only excuse I can come up with for that one is just money. Sir Roderick flaunts his cash and since Celestia isn't around, all the authority is corrupt. *shrugs* lol. Thanks though. I'm still working on the next chapter might be finished tomorrow, or the next day
I felt like I needed to put a lot more into this chapter to get it to make more sense. Sorry if you didn't like.
Pretty good story.
Though, the fact that there are aristocratic criminals right under Celestia's nose kind of bothers me.
564651 Sorry about that. I really should add that in the description, huh? I think I might do that, but I was actually going to go a little more in depth about why she isn't doing anything about corrupt people in the next chapter. Twilight is going to explain it. Bare with me. Maybe I can make it make sense. We'll see. :D
Bro seriously nothing makes my day like seeing a new chapter of this pop up on my favorite updates. Thank you so much, you clearly have a gift for story telling.
holy crap finally all hell breaks loose and its awesome! good job
Still really enjoying this. Really don't see Mac as a pony that would murder someone unless there was no other alternative, though. Subdue them and protect Isabella, sure, but outright killing them? Maybe that's just my head-cannon.
Looking forward to more.
FIRST
WTF? the Princes was gone? That was a crazy twist..............
good job
ya know... id be kinda funny if big mac was actually gay..............
597853 trollolol
Good gravy.
Twenty years? How long after the show is this?
if the princess is gone, where's Luna?
614777 *Winks* ah, maybe that'll come up later too. You'll just have to wait and see.
Saw this chapter pop up and I threw my homework aside :D :D
So glad for the newness
lol. Sorry for taking to long. Thank god I'll be graduated soon and will have more time to write.
I noticed you need to change the type of thrown you used to throne
lol
672091
You and me both
I can't wait until the next chapter