519075 i'm better now. i realised my variation will be abit differnet from yours though. though it'll take time for me to fell better about you beating me to an Aliens in Equestia crossover.
Yea, the Aliens crossover i've had planned for a while is a bit of a reverse of this to be honest. Mine is a 'pony goes THERE', instead of this one, which is a 'they come HERE'.
...mine consists of pinkie aiding and assisting in the story line of the second movie; Aliens.
Oooo! I can't WAIT to sink my Omnivorous teeth into the next chapter! Oh, and by the way, there were several wrong words here and there. There wasn't really anything misspelled, so I'm assuming you're either REALLY good at spelling, or you have spellcheck, which would explain the wrong words. - Hudson pumped three rounds into the group, before turning and sprinting down the hallway. “Run!” Hudson screamed to himself as he heard the bastards take chase.
That shoudl be 'gave' chase, not 'take'. Just trying to help. ^_^ - That was only one of I tihnk three, the other being you wrote 'to' instead of 'too'. That's a fairly common mistake, so no worries. None of them actual hurt the story or caused confusion, so it's not really a biggie.
Hello there, Armalite. I'm B_P from WRITE, and I'd like to thank you for being the very first person to submit a story to us for review.
Now, I've looked this first chapter over, and I do feel it needs work. In general, you make some repetitive errors with your punctuation, particularly at the end of dialogue. Even the first sentence can be used as an example:
“You'll do fine my little pony.” A warm loving voice said to[...]
The proper form would be ' pony," a warm ', as this is a dialogue tag. There's also your tendency to both overuse and underuse commas. In that same example segment, there should definitely have been a comma before "my little pony", and another between "warm" and "loving". On the other end of the spectrum, there are areas like this:
“As many of you know, I recently discovered, what may possibly be, a passageway to other universes.”
Commas denote a pause, and everything reads awkwardly when you either pause too often or not often enough. I find it helps to imagine each sentence as though someone is reading it to you, and pause where it feels like you should. Aside from commas, I also noticed a number of places where you were lacking hyphens. I would suggest that you familiarize yourself more thoroughly with their usage.
Beyond punctuation, I was a touch disappointed with the narrative style. It was troublingly informative in places. For example, you stopped to describe each character as they showed up, even going as far as to describe what Pvt. Houston's hair looked like—despite the fact that she was currently wearing a helmet—all as a battle was raging around her. In the future, I would suggest that you stick to describing only what is relevant to the current situation, and on top of that, describing it in a way that calls less attention to you as a narrator. It just isn’t ever a good idea to tell me, the reader, that a person’s personality is geeky, for example. You have to let me judge those sorts of things for myself based on your portrayal.
Perhaps the most troubling thing was that, to be honest, this story (at least this chapter, but that matters, as one has to get through this before seeing the rest) didn’t much feel like an MLP crossover story with Aliens; it felt like an Aliens crossover with MLP. I got this impression for a few reasons, not the least of which being that you devoted an awful lot more “screentime” to the marine characters than you did to the ponies. In addition, you gave a staggering amount of detail about the world of MLP considering just how little actually happened (e.g. you described what the Elements of Harmony were, which had no bearing on the situation), while you actually wrote very little that could fill a reader in on the Alien universe (I know what Weyland-Yutani is, and what an APC is, but to the uninitiated reader, these are meaningless). This crossover could be very strong if you can find a way to better balance what you give the reader.
In addition, the characterization was a touch flat. Granted, these are marines, so they’re kind of bound to have that ever-present element of snarky machoness, but the characters were almost indistinguishable to me, if I’m honest. It didn’t help that their names were all tossed at me towards the beginning, so I didn’t really have any defining characteristics to attach to the names, you know?
Something I will give you: you have a strong grasp of grammar and phrase usage. Both are pet peeves of mine if used poorly, and what I’ve read was refreshing in that regard. Not perfect, but strong.
On the whole, I feel this does have some promise. I wasn’t much a fan of the basic premise, but, to a degree, you’ve made it work. However, I just can’t help but feel that you could make it work so much better.
I realize this is one of your earlier works, but I would suggest rewriting this chapter. Burraku_Pansa's review has some great suggestions, and considering how much improvement your other works have shown, I'd like to see how this fic reads now that you've had some practice.
Yeah, the Colonial Marines are something I always found interesting. Because they're basically Red Shirt Mooks but they kick ass and don't have a horribly scewed kill-death ratio. They actually acquit themselves quite well. Die in droves, yeah, but their kill a decent number of enemies for each of them that falls and while most of them die, it is generally one or two at a time and stretched over a decent period of time between deaths.
FIRST COMMENT!!!!
AND now for my real comment somewhat complex but still great to see you have imagination I can't what to see your next move.
This is AWESOME. And the Gorillaz kick ass!
AND THEN SPIKE BRUNS EVERTHING TO THE GROUND MAHAHAHHA
but no really its a good read.
Finally, a proper Aliens crossover.
*sees aliens*
Oooo...
*reads discription*
Sweeet...
*likes*
alright, lets read this!
*begins*
Please dont kill fluttershy PLEASE
*or the main six*
Alright, done and done.
The only advise advise I can give you is to double space your paragraphs, it makes things a little bit easier to go through.
Twilight killed something?
Heck Yeah
favoriting, thumbing up LOL
aw damn it, i was gonna do something like this! there goes Ponies vs Aliens, down the toilet.
Im not saying it was aliens, but it was aliens
just the shear amount of violence and death I foresee will make this great
Yes! A decent Alien/MLP crossover! Have these chestburster flavored xeno-cupcakes!
OHHH SHIT!!! Things gonna go down but I like this so far. You have a watcher (\/)
518359 Sorry man, but I've been thinking of this idea for a while now. And who knows, maybe you can do another crossover?
517878 Don't worry, I've got some plans for them
519075 i'm better now. i realised my variation will be abit differnet from yours though. though it'll take time for me to fell better about you beating me to an Aliens in Equestia crossover.
lol i saw the title and was like BUCK YES!
Larsen! Can you read me!? Larsen! LAAAARSEEEEN!
Also, this is awesomesauce!
I can´t wait to see what else gets teleported.
519461 Oh, there'll be loads-a-stuff being teleported, including a few choice people!
WOW!
Yea, the Aliens crossover i've had planned for a while is a bit of a reverse of this to be honest.
Mine is a 'pony goes THERE', instead of this one, which is a 'they come HERE'.
...mine consists of pinkie aiding and assisting in the story line of the second movie; Aliens.
Oooo!
I can't WAIT to sink my Omnivorous teeth into the next chapter! Oh, and by the way, there were several wrong words here and there. There wasn't really anything misspelled, so I'm assuming you're either REALLY good at spelling, or you have spellcheck, which would explain the wrong words.
-
Hudson pumped three rounds into the group, before turning and sprinting down the hallway. “Run!” Hudson screamed to himself as he heard the bastards take chase.
That shoudl be 'gave' chase, not 'take'. Just trying to help. ^_^
-
That was only one of I tihnk three, the other being you wrote 'to' instead of 'too'. That's a fairly common mistake, so no worries. None of them actual hurt the story or caused confusion, so it's not really a biggie.
hudsen: flipping off aliens while esaping a thermonuclear explosion.....LIKE A BOSS
TWILIGHT IS A BITCH.
Hello there, Armalite. I'm B_P from WRITE, and I'd like to thank you for being the very first person to submit a story to us for review.
Now, I've looked this first chapter over, and I do feel it needs work. In general, you make some repetitive errors with your punctuation, particularly at the end of dialogue. Even the first sentence can be used as an example:
The proper form would be ' pony," a warm ', as this is a dialogue tag. There's also your tendency to both overuse and underuse commas. In that same example segment, there should definitely have been a comma before "my little pony", and another between "warm" and "loving". On the other end of the spectrum, there are areas like this:
Commas denote a pause, and everything reads awkwardly when you either pause too often or not often enough. I find it helps to imagine each sentence as though someone is reading it to you, and pause where it feels like you should.
Aside from commas, I also noticed a number of places where you were lacking hyphens. I would suggest that you familiarize yourself more thoroughly with their usage.
Beyond punctuation, I was a touch disappointed with the narrative style. It was troublingly informative in places. For example, you stopped to describe each character as they showed up, even going as far as to describe what Pvt. Houston's hair looked like—despite the fact that she was currently wearing a helmet—all as a battle was raging around her. In the future, I would suggest that you stick to describing only what is relevant to the current situation, and on top of that, describing it in a way that calls less attention to you as a narrator. It just isn’t ever a good idea to tell me, the reader, that a person’s personality is geeky, for example. You have to let me judge those sorts of things for myself based on your portrayal.
Perhaps the most troubling thing was that, to be honest, this story (at least this chapter, but that matters, as one has to get through this before seeing the rest) didn’t much feel like an MLP crossover story with Aliens; it felt like an Aliens crossover with MLP. I got this impression for a few reasons, not the least of which being that you devoted an awful lot more “screentime” to the marine characters than you did to the ponies. In addition, you gave a staggering amount of detail about the world of MLP considering just how little actually happened (e.g. you described what the Elements of Harmony were, which had no bearing on the situation), while you actually wrote very little that could fill a reader in on the Alien universe (I know what Weyland-Yutani is, and what an APC is, but to the uninitiated reader, these are meaningless). This crossover could be very strong if you can find a way to better balance what you give the reader.
In addition, the characterization was a touch flat. Granted, these are marines, so they’re kind of bound to have that ever-present element of snarky machoness, but the characters were almost indistinguishable to me, if I’m honest. It didn’t help that their names were all tossed at me towards the beginning, so I didn’t really have any defining characteristics to attach to the names, you know?
Something I will give you: you have a strong grasp of grammar and phrase usage. Both are pet peeves of mine if used poorly, and what I’ve read was refreshing in that regard. Not perfect, but strong.
On the whole, I feel this does have some promise. I wasn’t much a fan of the basic premise, but, to a degree, you’ve made it work. However, I just can’t help but feel that you could make it work so much better.
fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/350/3/b/bpadminlogolongver01_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o8n6s.png
-- Burraku_Pansa, WRITE's Trainer Admin and Resident Namesmith
I realize this is one of your earlier works, but I would suggest rewriting this chapter. Burraku_Pansa's review has some great suggestions, and considering how much improvement your other works have shown, I'd like to see how this fic reads now that you've had some practice.
Yeah, the Colonial Marines are something I always found interesting. Because they're basically Red Shirt Mooks but they kick ass and don't have a horribly scewed kill-death ratio. They actually acquit themselves quite well. Die in droves, yeah, but their kill a decent number of enemies for each of them that falls and while most of them die, it is generally one or two at a time and stretched over a decent period of time between deaths.