I find Lyra, lost on the streets but she's not a pony. She got her wish and I got mine. She got to be a human and I got to find her. Things may turn out ok but I fear that something bad will happen.
Chapters (7)
- Member Since 25th Nov, 2014
- offline last seen Aug 19th, 2018
BronyGuardian200
Basically I'm the Bronyguardian on YouTube. https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCVcDAosby0hb_nUG_uPqunA. I love Ponies so deal with it.
BronyGuardian200
Joined 25th Nov, 2014 ·
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I'll talk about this later.
Please tell me I'm not a complete jerk for laughing at that.
Is.. is this a trollfic or something?
Truly the best first impression of human entertainment.
Show don't tell. If you had actually included those scenes, it would have helped the pacing exponentially. It would have been a great opportunity for character interaction.
I find that sentence to be fairly disturbing.
What, did she drug them or something?
Care to give an explanation as to why the man outright growled at them?
The pacing in this story isn't very good. This mainly comes from only telling readers things and having extremely short chapters. For example:
Do you realize just how much more powerful that would be if we got details on how she looked and what was going through her head at the moment? As it is, I can't really care for it.
Time passes far too quickly. Seriously, what's the point of all the time skips? If I don't get to see the bulk of their time together, why should I care about their relationship?
There isn't a whole lot of dialogue, so I can't grow attached to the characters. Because of this, the story can get rather boring.
There is also a severe lack of logic and explanation. I'm fairly certain that SWAT teams have protocols about this stuff. They wouldn't just beat him up and leave him there. They're only supposed to subdue someone if the person resists and attacks them. I'm also fairly certain he would at least be taken in for questioning.
What the hell was with Celestia randomly appearing? Why didn't she take them back to Equestria with her? How did Lyra get there in the first place? No proper explanation is given, and that can really hurt a story. Nothing about this fic was believable.
And what the hell was all that war stuff in the beginning about? Why was it that bronies specifically died in it? A good explanation on that would be much appreciated.
One thing this story does well in is grammar and spelling. You did fairly well in that regard, so props to you.
As for the idea, it holds potential, but most likely lacks in originality. It could still make for a good read if written well though.
If anything, this seems more like a story outline than an actual story. All in all, this could be a good fic if done well and expanded upon, which I strongly encourage you to do so. Go back through the chapters and add more. Less than 3,000 words for a tale like this just won't cut it. Good luck on improving this story. If you work hard, I know it can be improved!
>>ThunderWonder
ed that SOOO MUCH!
I agree. This holds great potential, but you don't do anything with it.
But that cover photo is AMAZING! I
Chapters are short but there good short chapters and love the story
I've read of ponies coming to our world, but not so much turning human. Good job being original, although I am curious about the Brony war. I feel it should have been expanded upon more in the beginning, oh well.
It occurs to me that you don't put much into these chapters, just look at the time difference between my 1st & 2nd comments, and I feel you should maybe expand more on feelings and what the Main Character is experiencing. That's all for now, best of luck with popularity!
The past chapter and this one could have been mashed together and it would be no different.
The dialogue seemed a bit choppy and your friendship with Lyra seems like it happened all too quickly, but I'm liking the jist of it so far
...
Moo
...
That is all.
You may have found it sweet, but, once AGAIN, I find myself on the last word before even fully realizing what happened. I'm not trying to do this for the sake of being mean, I'm just trying to do my best to help writers who need improvements.
I really hope you do a rewrite of this, with expanded chapters and emotions fitted in. Also, I think the SWAT team was overly brutal, especially to the table. Wait, was the war caused by Obama restricting who gets to watch My Little Pony? And the bronies fought against the government?! I can only imagine the military bronies in this war.