The day before the 1000th Summer Sun Celebration.
Fluttershy trotted swiftly towards Sweet Apple Acres the dirt roads of Ponyville were soft yet firm beneath her hooves the songbirds were singing their songs beautifully above her head and the vast sky stretched out endlessly on the horizon before her. From most ponies perspective a very good day but there was more than one reason for Fluttershy to visit the home of one of her friends.
"Look out below!" screamed a rainbow blur, giving Fluttershy just enough time to dive for the nearest bush before Rainbow Dash collided with the ground. "Urggggg is it Thursday already?" she mumbled in her barely conscious state, before realising that it was in fact not a Thursday and then passing out.
"Rainbow Dash are you ok?" timidly asked Fluttershy before going over to check on her dare devil and by far best friend. They had bonded when they were children and Rainbow Dash had helped Fluttershy make it through flight camp, keeping all the nasty bullies away. Rainbow Dash had always been a fast flyer and her recklessness meant that she crashed a lot, but she was always resilient and never out for more than a few seconds.
"Urg" Rainbow Dash grumbled before getting up shaking her head and yelling at the top of her lungs "Equestria, I am ok!" Then Rainbow Dash noticed Fluttershy behind the bush, "Oops sorry Fluttershy didn't mean to scare you." While this made Fluttershy feel sorry for making her friend worry, Rainbow Dash's presence alone was invigorating her with their friendship, before she sent it away to others who needed it more than her.
"It's ok, Rainbow. I know you would never do so on purpose." whispered Fluttershy in her gentle voice. "I was just on my way to visit Applejack. She's having a big family reunion and they're even staying overnight for the Summer Sun Celebration tomorrow... Oh, I hope they like me!" Most of the time Fluttershy's timid yet kind nature made ponies like her almost instantly, but didn't make her any less nervous meeting them.
"Yeah, Applejack has a huge family!" said Rainbow Dash, as she soared into the sky doing loops and dives. "But I've got practice to get to, they're holding the best young flyers competition in a month and the Wonderbolts are going to be there, if I don't practice I may not be able to show off my spectacular super duper awesome high flying skills!"
"But, don't you need to clear the clouds before the celebration?" Mumbled Fluttershy.
"Hah don't worry, I could whack those clouds in ten seconds flat" Rainbow Dash bragged, feeding her own ego. "Well, see you later Fluttershy."
"Have a nice day, Rainbow Dash" Fluttershy replied sweetly, receiving another dose of friendship that filled her with warmth before it dissipated.
Sweet Apple Acres
one short walk later...
"Howdy Fluttershy, didn't think you could make it" Applejack smiled and pulled up her cowboy hat.
"Oh Applejack I'd never pass up a chance to meet my friends' family in person" Fluttershy replied with a smile. Applejack was clearly in a good mood, as her happiness filled Fluttershy's heart before quickly dispersing it to help others who needed it more than her.
"Ha, well then you're just in time" Applejack replied, with a whistle she picking up a metal spoon and before Fluttershy could ask what it was for, Applejack clanged it against a large cauldron yelling "Soup's on, everypony!" There was a sudden silence, followed by a stomping sound that could only be created by the hooves of many ponies running very fast, which explained the sudden appearance of at least fifty Apple family members and a table covered in every sort of apple related delicacy imaginable.
"Fluttershy, this here's ma family" said Applejack as proud as the sun is high, "Family, this here is Fluttershy."
"Urm, hi everypony it's good to meet you" whispered Fluttershy, scared by the arrival of so many new faces.
"Howdy"
"Hey there"
"Nice to meet you"
"What's up?"
"Hello"
"Hi"
"Are you ok?"
"Pleasure to make you acquaintance"
"I like apples!"
"Howdy"
"Everypony stop, you're scaring her!" Applejack cried pointing a hoof at Fluttershy's quivering form. Everypony stopped.
"Let's get you something to eat Fluttershy, then i'll introduce you to the family as individuals" Applejack said whilst guiding Fluttershy to the table.
"Oh erm ok I'll be fine honest," Fluttershy whispered. In truth while she was very scared by the rush of new ponies, what truly made her cower was the rush of emotion, she could tell she was going to like Applejacks family, she just had to hope they continued to like her.
The rest of the afternoon went well, the food didn't help feed Fluttershy but she didn't tell anypony and it still tasted good, but all her problems melted away when she started meeting Applejacks family. Most of them where very kind and outgoing, so Fluttershy could meet kindness with kindness. There was the occasional shy person, a stand out was Babs Seed who appeared to be very upset about something and spent most of her time hiding away in the barn or orchard, but Fluttershy didn't want to ask about it just in case it was personal.
"Goodbye Fluttershy, thanks for coming" Applejack said whilst waving to Fluttershy as she walked home to her cottage.
A long walk later...
As Fluttershy approached her beloved home, she felt happy and for the first time in a long time, almost full. As she walked up the cottage path she was fed with the gratitude of the animals she cared for and as she opened the door the cottage that was her home also opened up to her.
But there was something in here that was worth far far more to her than anything else in the entire world, Fluttershy approached her nice carpet and pulled it away to reveal the cottage's oak floor... the cottages hollow oak floor. With a few quick knocks the floor gave way to a trap door, that when opened revealed a dark stone passageway. Which Fluttershy entered without delay.
The walls were thick and damp made of the stone of the earth, the tunnel was dark and dreary and seemed to descend down for what felt like forever. However it was only a few minutes before the tunnel expanded into a large underground room, a room that was filled with over one hundred serpent-like blue eyes. Each pair of eyes belonged to a creature as black as night, with holes in their legs, insect like wings on their backs and a gnarled horn atop each of their heads.
All these creatures stared at Fluttershy, a stare that would frighten the life out of any normal pony, but Fluttershy stared back and with the sweetest of smiles and the calmest of voices she said.
"Good evening children, sorry I'm late."
"Good evening mother, we are happy to have you back."
This is such a great idea! ENCORE!
More need more.
I WANNA SEE MOAR OF THIS! THIS IS AMAZING FOR A FIRST TIME WRITING! MUST SEE MOAR! GOOD JOB ALL AROUND ON THE STORY, I IGNORED ALL GRAMATICAL MISTAKES AFTER I SAW THAT YOU WERE NEW, AMAZING JOB THOUGH!
MOAR please.
so is fluttershy still fluttershy or is that a mask?
Some capitalization errors (Capitalize all names and EVERY time you start dialogue):
Etc., there are several of these.
Apple Bloom did not meet Babs Seed until season 3 (But hey, alt universe, fanon, whatever else is fine.) Also, it's Babs Seed.
Fluttershy's not Fluttershys'
ponies not "pony's"
"were" not "where", and capitalize "rainbow dash".
Other than that, it's okay overall. This idea has been done several times before.
Can i ask for the source of that picture? :3
Thanks for the positive support guys its really making me feel good about continuing this story. I hope to improve the quality and learn from my grammatical mistakes as I go on.
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Inthretis first i would like to thank you for the constructive criticism, it will go a long way in helping me fix my mistakes and ultimately making me a better writer in the long run so thank you. As for Babs this was her first apple family reunion (being young and from Manehattan) and also because her bulling problems she had become shy and secluded so she probably wouldn't run in to apple bloom. I clearly didn't make that clear enough so I'm going to change the dialog to reflect that.
Finally I know Fluttershy is a changeling stories have been done before but so has "Scootaloo's an orphan" and "Twilight loves Celestia" stories. What makes them good is taking that concept and running of over the Badland mountains yelling "smile smile smile" all the way with it, so I'm taking this story in a different direction to all other Fluttershy's a changeling stories, and nothing short of the apocalypse is going to stop me.
Again thanks for the constructive criticism it's a big help.
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A quicker reply for you berryy2. Technically there never was (at least in this alternate universe world) a real Fluttershy pony just a shell created around a shape shifting bug by combining the colours of two Pegasus, as the prologue explains. The question is, is Fluttershy's pony personality and changeling queen personality different or one and the same? well that's a question that will be answered soon.
Once again thank you guys for the support, I'm always willing to answer question posted in the comments if I can or the answer isn't a big spoiler. I'm hoping to get the new chapter out this week so keep your eyes open!
Chapter 2 the arrival.
Eh.. Well I liked the beginning well enough and the second one was good enough but really had to wonder about adding the "children" as I've seen enough of the Changings to know they can act on their own and there is no reason why they would be like their mother but I shall reserve judgment until more chapters are out...
...Is that giant block of blankness at the end really necessary?
Other than that, interesting start and I'm curious where this is going.
I'd really recommend an editor, though. You have a lot of little errors (capitalization mainly) that a few extra eyes probably would have spotted.
That aside though, I really hope to see this continued. I've seen 'Fluttershy is a changeling queen' before, but never with a swarm of her own; not in a serious story, at least.
Errors in the description is not good.
And that title is seriously lacking in Capital Letters.
Interesting...
Changingwinter gained Achievement: [Interest Gained!]
Rainbow Dash - Don't forget capitalizing names.
Ahh a pre-cannon Mumma-Shy fic, I don't see meny of those.
Just found this story, and I have to say it's an excellent idea. However, there's a load of grammatical and spelling errors that detract from the story.
One example is that you have paragraphs in which multiple characters speak back to back, which makes it hard to read. Another example is the lack of commas when needed, as well as a large number of minor spacing errors.
I hope these errors are fixed, because this story has the makings of something amazing, and I'd hate to see it go to waste.
I want to like this story, but you definitely need a proofreader. You're making at least one grating error per paragraph.
All of those clauses are independent clauses (they can stand alone as sentences), so this is a comma splice error.
Thursday != Tuesday
Let's call this a "that's what I just said!" error. If you really want Fluttershy to say something like that, have her say "It's ok, Rainbow. I know you didn't." instead. That way, rather than just repeating Rainbow (which communicates nothing new), the second half of what she says is reassuring Rainbow that her intentions were never in doubt.
Also, notice that I added a comma. That's so the reader doesn't risk mis-parsing the sentence and having to back up and read it again.
Without the comma, it's possible to parse that "It's ok Rainbow" in the way you'd use for this exchange:
"Who is it?"
"It's ok Rainbow!"
(As if "ok" was her first name and "Rainbow" was her last name)
Another comma splice.
When you begin a sentence with an interjection like "oh", you separate it from the rest of the sentence with a comma.
"Oh, I hope they like me!"
"Yeah, Applejack has a huge family!"
You're sticking "Rainbow" into the middle of a perfectly sound sentence. You need commas to mark the parsing shifts.
But, Rainbow, don't you need to clear the clouds for the celebration?
Again, more cases of needing commas after your interjections. (Try replacing the "Goodbye" with something that can also be interpreted as a verb and the problem becomes clear.)
For example, with a comma “Cider, my ass!” is an expression of disbelief but, without the comma, it has the potential to be a lot kinkier.
I'd continue on, but stopping to note problems this frequently is really sapping my will to read, so I'll only note new types of problems from here on out.
What about my just in time? (You meant to use "you're", the contraction of "you are")
Also, "Just" shouldn't be capitalized.
Too much similarity (using warmth/warmed followed closely by dispersed/dispersing) in too short a span of time. By the time the reader realizes that you're not repeating yourself, it's already yanked them out of the flow.
I'm pretty sure there was only one kind of soup. ("Soups" is plural, "Soup's" is the contraction of "Soup is" that you intended.)
Also, this is far too similar to Twilight's introduction. I should NOT have to re-read a scene several times, flipping back and forth between believing this IS and ISN'T the day before Nightmare Moon's return, simply because it's so improbable for Fluttershy's experience to match Twilight's canon introduction so closely... especially on the same day as in canon. (Saying "The day before the 1000th Summer Sun Celebration." doesn't help because one line which the reader hasn't been primed to memorize gets brushed aside by the burden of evidence that makes it too implausible to contemplate.)
You need a comma between "home" and "she" because you pulled the clauses out of their "most natural order":
"Fluttershy felt happy as she approached her beloved home"
Given that I'm really NOT in the mood to do work right now, I'll give the next chapter a look ,but I'll probably stop reading. (Darn shame too. I'm still hoping that, one day, I'll find a "Fluttershy is a changeling" fic which is both good and more than just a chapter or two.)