We all know Fluttershy, a yellow Pegasus pony hailing from Cloudsdale, shy as a fly friend to all animals and practically kindness incarnate. However, the world can be deceiving, what if Fluttershy was not pony but a rare creature called a changeling queen? What would this mean for Equestria and Fluttershy's friends and who else will be drawn in to the fray in this story of the lost and the forgotten?
cover art by "The-Clockwork-Crow" on deviantart
http://the-clockwork-crow.deviantart.com/art/Changeling-Egg-447190688
Chapters (9)
This is such a great idea! ENCORE!
Love it. Not much I can offer in advice though.
More need more.
I WANNA SEE MOAR OF THIS! THIS IS AMAZING FOR A FIRST TIME WRITING! MUST SEE MOAR! GOOD JOB ALL AROUND ON THE STORY, I IGNORED ALL GRAMATICAL MISTAKES AFTER I SAW THAT YOU WERE NEW, AMAZING JOB THOUGH!
MOAR please.
so is fluttershy still fluttershy or is that a mask?
Some capitalization errors (Capitalize all names and EVERY time you start dialogue):
Etc., there are several of these.
Apple Bloom did not meet Babs Seed until season 3 (But hey, alt universe, fanon, whatever else is fine.) Also, it's Babs Seed.
Fluttershy's not Fluttershys'
ponies not "pony's"
"were" not "where", and capitalize "rainbow dash".
Other than that, it's okay overall. This idea has been done several times before.
Can i ask for the source of that picture? :3
Thanks for the positive support guys its really making me feel good about continuing this story. I hope to improve the quality and learn from my grammatical mistakes as I go on.
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Inthretis first i would like to thank you for the constructive criticism, it will go a long way in helping me fix my mistakes and ultimately making me a better writer in the long run so thank you. As for Babs this was her first apple family reunion (being young and from Manehattan) and also because her bulling problems she had become shy and secluded so she probably wouldn't run in to apple bloom. I clearly didn't make that clear enough so I'm going to change the dialog to reflect that.
Finally I know Fluttershy is a changeling stories have been done before but so has "Scootaloo's an orphan" and "Twilight loves Celestia" stories. What makes them good is taking that concept and running of over the Badland mountains yelling "smile smile smile" all the way with it, so I'm taking this story in a different direction to all other Fluttershy's a changeling stories, and nothing short of the apocalypse is going to stop me.
Again thanks for the constructive criticism it's a big help.
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A quicker reply for you berryy2. Technically there never was (at least in this alternate universe world) a real Fluttershy pony just a shell created around a shape shifting bug by combining the colours of two Pegasus, as the prologue explains. The question is, is Fluttershy's pony personality and changeling queen personality different or one and the same? well that's a question that will be answered soon.
Once again thank you guys for the support, I'm always willing to answer question posted in the comments if I can or the answer isn't a big spoiler. I'm hoping to get the new chapter out this week so keep your eyes open!
Chapter 2 the arrival.
Eh.. Well I liked the beginning well enough and the second one was good enough but really had to wonder about adding the "children" as I've seen enough of the Changings to know they can act on their own and there is no reason why they would be like their mother but I shall reserve judgment until more chapters are out...
...Is that giant block of blankness at the end really necessary?
Other than that, interesting start and I'm curious where this is going.
I'd really recommend an editor, though. You have a lot of little errors (capitalization mainly) that a few extra eyes probably would have spotted.
That aside though, I really hope to see this continued. I've seen 'Fluttershy is a changeling queen' before, but never with a swarm of her own; not in a serious story, at least.
Errors in the description is not good.
And that title is seriously lacking in Capital Letters.
Interesting...
Changingwinter gained Achievement: [Interest Gained!]
It's good! But do you need/want an editor? I cant work full time every day but once in a while i could if u want
I'll give advice and point out any typos for you. I think the first one is this or maybe not depends on you but don't display actions with this "Smash" use something like this *Smash*. also don't display thoughts with the quotations use something like this 'What am i doing here?'
this seem like it is going to be a really interesting story. I can't wait to see the different perspective of fluttershy being a changling.
This word should be their.
This is by all means a good chapter.
I am absolutely loving this story! Please, do continue.
soaring.
Commas after "fire" and "changing".
"until" not "till". Till should only be used in dialogue, until is the correct word (similar to ain't and aren't). Capitalize "princess".
Comma after "way".
Redundant. Remove "mother, as a queen of a hive is generally regarded as the mother unless otherwise stated.
Should be "queen's" and "subjects".
Comma after "cave".
"queen's".
Commas after "too", "children", and "replied".
Period after "eye", capitalize "This", and a colon after "for". Preferable, but not necessary, change "what" to "who" because this sentence is referrring to the changelings, which are beings, not objects.
The first and second line should not be separated, and stay as one line. There should be a space between lines two and three to indicate separate paragraphs, so as to match the rest of the chapter.
Comma after "Fluttershy". It should be a period after "today", not a comma. Capitalize "first". Should be "let's". Replace "too" with "to". And remove the space between "eat" and the period.
Comma after "called"
Period after "feeding". Capitalize "the".
Comma after "drooped".
Replace "ok" with okay". Comma after "okay".
"ponies" not "pony's" (plural form). Commas after "her" and "force". "innocent" should either be "the innocent" or "innocents".
Comma after "primrose" and "worried". Capitalize "primrose". "You're" not "your".
"Let's"
Comma after "chamber".
nymphs
DNA
Quotation mark at the end.
Capitalize "Look".
New paragraph needed for each speaker. Capitalize "Ma-mama?"
Commas after "smiled" and "attention". Use something to differentiate between thoughts and dialogue, whether by italics, bolding or some other method. Capitalize "Primrose".
Comma after "doors".
"used" not "use", and "entrances".
Comma after "hive" and "began". "began" should not be capitalized. Period after "Celebration".
Capitalize all beginnings of sentences.
"Calmingly" is not a word, replace with "calmly". Commas after "Mother", "mind", "calmly". "their" not "there".
Capitalize all names, even when tiny.
Capitalize all sentence beginnings.
"comes". New sentence after "apart".
Run on sentence.
"voices". "united", not "untied".
"let's". Capitalize all names. Comma after "no".
Overall, your grammar is shoddy. Frequent non capitalizations of names and sentences., lacking of commas throughout your writing, messing up use of contractions, apostrophes, and plurals. And frequent run ons.
Please get an editor, or at least a proofreader. Or read the writing guide. I am totally not doing this again. Please at least read over your own writing and fix your mistakes before submitting.
As for the story, it's meh. Average so far.
I like your story.
I can see that these guys are a chip-off-the-old-block from Flutters, eh? :)
Ha! I can't wait to see what happens next. :)
I love the fact that you're making this story based off the first episode just that you're making it from Fluttershy's point of view as a changeling queen.
5304765 agreed
This is a really great story keep up the good work and you'll get a watch from me :3
This has an interesting premise, but could use a lot of proofreading. Tracking just the same.
Interesting premise, my only real complaint so far is that it's odd for Fluttershy to be keeping everyling all cooped up. At least, it seems that way.
Keep going! ;)
derpicdn.net/img/2014/11/26/772351/medium.jpeg
Will there be an update soon?
Are there any plans to complete this story? I ask because I am going to favorite this because the plot behind it sounds interesting. HOWEVER, until it is completed, I am going to give it a thumbs down. Because while I may approve of the plot behind the story, I DO NOT approve of the fact that it has been 1 month, 2 weeks and 3 days since the last update. I mean, I understand that greatness can't be rushed, but needing 48 (okay, this is going to seem EXTREMELY pushy. My sincerest apologies.) days in order to update the next chapter means one of three things. A: You've given up on the book (this is the most likely scenario). B: You’re too busy to write any more (this is understandable). Or C: You're dead (this is a scenario with a 50% probability chance, seeing as how people die every day.) If option C makes you feel uncomfortable than that means two things. You are obviously not dead, and I am sorry for having that as one of the three possibilities. Also, don’t give up! Your fans deserve better! I, of course, meant that in the best and most encouraging possible way. (This comment has been copied and pasted for the sake of saving time, HOWEVER the plot behind your story does sound interesting, the only reason that I mentioned the fact that it has been copied and pasted for the sake of saving time is because it is usually used for stories that have been sitting for a much longer period of time, for example, stories that have been sitting for 2 years, 4 months, and 29 days [i only say this in case I sound unduly pushy]).
I LOVE your story, hope to see more soon. I bet flutters will be surprised to be the element of kindness.
5615234 i hope more chapters for this story comes out too
Rainbow Dash - Don't forget capitalizing names.
Primrose - Names should be capitalized.
Good start. Hope you continue the story.
Should be:
Otherwise it doesn't make sense.
...Changeling nymph (SO CUTE) Filly Fluttershy (Number one cause od Daawwwwwww's) = THE MOST PERFECT CUTE BOMB
Ahh a pre-cannon Mumma-Shy fic, I don't see meny of those.
Liking this...
Could probably benefit from an editor though. And updates...
Good start to an interesting story though!
Yay,
it lives.
yay
Yay! A update! It's good to see the story alive again. I can't wait to see what's next!
Glad to see this being worked on, great chapter and I look forward to more. Interesting idea giving the elements a kind of consciousness, don't think I have seen that very often. Hopefully you don't disappear again as I really want to know what happens next.
3.bp.blogspot.com/-hHQDXctREiE/TmQR7utdxmI/AAAAAAAALh4/DDHyEugJH-I/s1600/53756+-+fluttershy+mega_yay+rainbow_dash+yay.png
So good to have this marvelus story back.
Thanks for coming back to life.
Just found this story, and I have to say it's an excellent idea. However, there's a load of grammatical and spelling errors that detract from the story.
One example is that you have paragraphs in which multiple characters speak back to back, which makes it hard to read. Another example is the lack of commas when needed, as well as a large number of minor spacing errors.
I hope these errors are fixed, because this story has the makings of something amazing, and I'd hate to see it go to waste.
Loved that Snow White reference!
That was interesting. I can't wait to see the next part!
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I'm really sorry about my grammatical mistakes but...
its really hard for me to spot them. Lets just say I have problems with that.
If I was able to see the grammatical mistakes I would gladly but the time effort and dedication to fix them and if I see any I will fix them...
They're just really hard to spot.
I like to think my grammar has also improved as chapters have gone on, especially with the whole "characters speaking back to back" thing.
I really hope I doesn't stop you from enjoying the story as I have put a lot of effort in to what I do, but if it does then I'm really sorry.
I'm doing all I can given the time and resource constraints I have.
Also I do thank you for both the praise and the criticism, it shows me that your not the kind of person who just hates on something unreasonably only saying stuff like "It's bad" or I hate this stupid".
So yeah, I really appreciate that.
I still continue to love this. I have a feeling this is leading up to a big reveal soon I'm guessing. Like maybe a canterlot wedding episode reveal. Think about it changeling vs changling
The only song I could think of as soon as the words 'dig' and 'song' came up in close proximity.