FlutterBack

by Cute_Comfort

Chapter 2

“ROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAWWWW!” the beast bellowed, startling me out of my flashback

“Epp!” I peeped, giving…....out…...my location. Before I facehoofed, I took off. If Rainbow had been there at that exact moment she most likely would have put me in the running for a Wonderbolt. I was soaring through the trees flapping my wings as fast as I could. I was going about 20 mph. I suddenly glanced over to see a lake. Oh no-no-no-no-no! I have to hide quickly! I see a large cave on the edge of the lake. "Angel?" I whispered before I hid inside. And then I remember…….

---

I looked at the bubbles floating around me and through my mane. I turned my head at a school of fish swim by. They swim and play not two feet from my head. I almost sigh at the beauty before my lungs started to scream. I start to kick my legs as quick as I could. I start thrashing and I collided with a rock. I open my eyes to see my own blood dancing around me. Right before I lose consciousness felt something pull me upwards.

---

"I'm not sure if she'll make it; she swallowed a lot of water, and that blow to the head was nasty" I hear a voice say.

"But she's gotta! She's my best friend! Fluttershy, please. WAKE UP!" I hear another voice-Rainbow Dash?-shout before breaking into sobs.

“Come on kid, let’s get you home,” The beginning voice says with a caring tone.

“NO! I’ll never leave her! Not until my death!” I hear the young voice say. Now I’m sure it’s Rainbow Dash. She’s the only one in flight camp who would be that loyal to me.

“R-rainbow?” I mutter.

“Fluttershy! I’m right here, do you see me? I’m the one holding your hoof. Do you feel me? DO YOU FEEL ME!?”

“I-I think I do… I’m not quite sure,” I replied. I couldn't feel my hoof so I didn't know.

“N-nurse, what’s wrong?” I heard Rainbow say.

“Kid, your friend is either a fighter, or you woke her up with your loyalty. You keep a close eye on her, she’ll need it,” the original voice said.

“Heh, don’t I know it,” sniffed Rainbow. I then tried to open my eyes. It felt like boulders were placed on my eyelids, but I pried them open. I did my best not to gasp at the scene around me. The nurse with a plus sign cutie mark that has four hearts in the corners was standing by the door. Rainbow Dash was sitting in a chair next to me, crying. And there was a small, gray cat carrier over by the small TV on the other side of the room. The walls were covered in balloons and streamers. Cards covered every inch of the table, most noticeably two that had ‘SORRY!’ written in big, sloppy letters on top. It was almost as if someone threw a party in here. “You like it?” Rainbow asked when she noticed my eyes were open. “Some new pink filly decorated it for you. You were unconscious for 5 days after all.”

“5 days!” I exclaimed. “Has there been a small, white bunny coming around, or is he gone forever?”

“You mean this little guy?” the nurse replied showing me Angel inside of the carrier. “He didn't want to leave your side, so we had to get you an animal-safe place so this bunny could be in the same room as you.”

“Oh, Angel are you alright? I am sorry. I am so, so sorry! I thought you would drown in that lake, so I had to save you!” I exclaimed. I looked over at Rainbow and the nurse and said, “So, when am I getting out of here?”

Author's Note:

Starting to bring the whole cast in slowly.

Also, sorry for short chapters I'm not that good of a writer and short chapters help me concentrate on the story line.

Comments

[goaway]

It's usually a good idea to make your first chapter at least a thousand words. People can be a bit funny about that around these parts.

There are a couple of grammar mistakes (one doesn't generally put parentheses in speech).

Story is decent enough, though it needs more description.

[Cute_Comfort]

5293735
Thank you, I really am new at this thing and my proof-reader was too busy to re-read the first few chapters.
Also, as I said the small chapters help keep my mind on the story. I didn't know about a thousand words per chapter.
Do you have any ideas for more description? I'm taking suggestions on where this story goes, because I still have a very vague idea.

I am thinking of giving her an abusive family and/or start a fluttercord ship

[goaway]

5293806

Well, you should be able to get a thousand words alone out of Fluttershy's terror at being chased by a monster. Remember to include the feelings that a character is experiencing at the moment.

[Doubt]

You won't get many people to read this with a description like that.

"Fluttershy thinks back on what her who she is now while being chased by a monster"

It's missing punctuation, it's really short, and it has a few extra words that don't make sense. Simply fixing the errors so it says something like this would be a good start:

"Fluttershy thinks back on who she has become while being chased by a monster."

[Cute_Comfort]

5293835
Yes, But I don't want to focus on the monster scene too much. I'd much rather just have it a back story. I had wanted it as a reflection, however, because I have an idea for the end.

5294523
Thank you, would you mind if I use that? I am not the best at telling stories and I hope that Fimfiction will help me.

[Doubt]

5313348 I'm fine with you using what I wrote.

Honestly, what I wrote was still too short. I can't think of any situation where a one sentence description is a good thing, but it's hard for me to offer any more help than I already have, because I'm not the author, so I don't know what is going to happen in the story. Even so, I'll give it my best shot:

Fluttershy is running for her life from a viscous, three-headed monster that wants nothing more than to make a meal of her. She spends what little time she has thinking back on who she has become, and trying to answer one simple question: How did it all come to this?

(You can use this one, or the other one. Whichever you prefer.)

[Cute_Comfort]

5313672
THAT'S PERFECT!
Thank you so much! I also have very little idea where this is going. I'm just letting the story roll on its own.