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#1 · 210w, 10m ago · · · Loyalty ·

This is my first attempt at writing clop, so please give feedback.

I'd like to explain the character tags, just so those of you looking for specific characters aren't confused or disappointed: Twilight will remain the viewpoint character, but she will be encountering all of her friends, as well as Discord, again. I will be adding one more character once he/she is encountered, as the addition now would constitute a bit of a spoiler.

Again, my first time writing clop. I don't normally go for these sorts of things, but an outline suddenly came together in my mind. No amount of effort could make it go away.

#2 · 209w, 6d ago · · · Loyalty ·

>>502229 I don't read that much clop, but seeing as you asked for feedback, I thought I should comment anyway. I can't see any spelling/grammar mistakes, so it's all clear on the technical side of things.

My personal feelings on this story? Well, I'm not a massive fan of clop, and tentacles aren't realy what I'm into (I leave that to Japan!). Even so, I managed to read this chapter all the way through, which is a rare occurance for me, as, like I said, I don't ussualy read clop fics. In all, I think this is a pretty good job for a first attempt. I probably won't track this story, but you can have my thumbs up nonetheless.

#3 · 209w, 6d ago · · · Loyalty ·

please continue the story as i can't wait to find out what happens next.

#4 · 209w, 6d ago · · · Loyalty ·

this is going on my watch later simply for the epic cover pic

#5 · 209w, 6d ago · · · Loyalty ·

Can't wait to see what happens next! You did great on writing your first clopfic! :pinkiehappy: Just one question: Is there going to be more clop in this story?:unsuresweetie:

I don't really like clopfics but I really like this story!:twilightsmile:

#6 · 209w, 6d ago · · · Loyalty ·

More plz:pinkiehappy:

#7 · 209w, 6d ago · · · Loyalty ·


There will be more clop, but it will be gradually increased. Gotta work up to the climax, you know.


My thanks.


Oh, don't worry. This story idea has been stuck in my brain for far too long to NOT continue it.

#8 · 209w, 6d ago · · · Loyalty ·

........ Im reading this only because of the closeness to my account name, on the upside it aparently promises sex and strageness from discord so win all around..... ya no maybe

#9 · 209w, 6d ago · · · Loyalty ·

Quite good, especially for your first attempt.  I mean, come on - tentacles and ponies?  You're my new favourite guy!

In terms of feedback, there are two things I think you could improve:

The swearing struck me as being really out-of-place.  It's a dark story, and I get that, but it's just not something that Twilight would say, and the story is a bit jarring whenever a "fuck" pops up.  It's not a huge detail, but I think it's worth noting.  You could probably leave in the ones in the description ("fucked the face Dash's brains out.  Again."), but I don't think the ones in dialogue or from a more personal standpoint would be appropriate, especially for Twilight.  It just doesn't seem right to see her exclaim "Fuck!", even if there was a tentacle monster on the other side of the door.

You could also stand to describe things more.  I think I got a pretty good idea of how everything looked, but I had to do a lot of inferring to get such a clear picture, and the reader should only have to do enough to keep the image in his/her mind.  Even giving us an idea of how the maze looked (colour, texture, the temperature of the maze, whether or not it was roofed off, etc.) would help a lot.  This goes double for the clop scenes, since they will inevitably be the main attraction of the work.

Like, when Dash first appears, her description of being fucked silly by tentacles is rather lacklustre.  You're just telling us that it's happening instead of describing things emotionally.  To fix this, describe what's happening piece by piece, rather than just flinging it all at the reader - tell us how each thick appendage is pushing its way in and out of Dash, instead of just sort of mentioning that she's taking three of them like a champ.

I'm looking forward to more of this.  Hope my feedback was useful.

#10 · 209w, 6d ago · · · Loyalty ·


Very fair, and all useful points. I'll try to work on all of that in future chapters. To be honest, I was rather worried about the swearing, and it seems it didn't play well. Oh well. Lessons learned.

I'll definitely try to get more into description. I see your point about that. My writing tends to be somewhat terse, probably thanks to my small background in journalism; we're "all tell, no show" there.

Thanks for seeing enough promise to leave feedback and continue to follow. It's nice to see I'm not alone in liking tentacle on pony action. :pinkiecrazy:

#11 · 209w, 6d ago · · · Loyalty ·


A journalist writing purple prose?  Oh, this can only end well.

Personally, I have a background (well, a high school education) in English and the Humanities.  Our philosophy is more "bullshit your way to success and fame".

A bit crude, perhaps, but damn if it doesn't work.

#12 · 209w, 6d ago · · · Loyalty ·

it'll be interesting to see where this goes,

#13 · 209w, 5d ago · · 1 · Loyalty ·

Dark? Don't you mean Comedy? "Help, Twilight, I'm starting to like it!" Who says that?

#14 · 209w, 5d ago · · · Loyalty ·


Comedic relief =/= a comedy tag

#15 · 209w, 4d ago · · · Honesty ·

I'll laugh when Discord reveals he only gave back the horn to her.

#16 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·

Gee, let me guess. Those are actually her friends, she thinks they're fakes, and is going to let the monsters impregnate them, and do nothing about it until it's to late. Is that about the gist of it?

#17 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·


Gee, let me guess. You like feeling clever and superior to everyone by acting smarmy on the Internet while using the wrong form of "too". Is that about the gist of it?

#18 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·

all of them are obviously the real element bearers and Discord is just a sick bastard who's a great deceiver... giving Twilight back her powers and saying he did the same to everypony else.... but even HE can't be everywhere at once and Twilight calls them fakes as:

a. in RD's case, she was letting herself get raped; the problem here: Twilight wanted to get raped after having her first taste which means that those tentacles have some form of mind-wipe

b. Discord can easily hide data from everypony

and c. Discord is a master troll who doesn't want to be returned to a stone prison, so he's ready to trap the ones capable of doing that in any way

hey.... look at that, at the end it will either be: Twilight is the only one to reach the end of the maze, at which point Discord will tell her that they were her true frends or Twilight is the only one to never reach it if those were nothing more than illusions for each element bearer (which are different depending on their fetishes and stuff)

#19 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·

>>517375 Nope. But I did hit the nail on the head, right? lanteanboy's got it figured out, too.

#20 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·

This chapter was much better than the first one: better stuff, and more of it.  I can definitely see the effort you put into describing things more, and it made the reading that much more enjoyable.  The swearing was also almost entirely gone, which I felt was a nice touch.

I think you could still stand to have more work in the descriptions and such, though.  If your experience is in journalism, then the writing you'll need to do for this is probably going to seem like purple prose.

In all honesty, you're doing a really good job with this, since you're aware of what it is - that is, it's porn, not a major literary work, and I don't think you're getting too serious about it.  This works well, because it allows you to set up some pretty good clop scenes (which I imagine will only get better) without worrying about silly things like the laws of physics. :pinkiehappy:

Looking forward to more.


You figured out the plot of an MLP tentacle rape fic, which had a plot for no other purpose than to have the mane 6 get it on with tentacles and walldicks.

Congratulations. :ajbemused:

#21 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·

>>517985 WHOOP! :raritystarry:

Oh, and you're writing a dissertation on a

MLP tentacle rape fic, which had a plot for no other purpose than to have the mane 6 get it on with tentacles and walldicks.
and this seems to be your fetish. You must feel so proud of yourself. :pinkiehappy:

#22 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·



I love you both for entirely different reasons.

#23 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·

>>518170 Let's spread our manly love across the interwebs!

Woo Hoo!!

#24 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·


>three short paragraphs



You're the one claiming to be some sort of intellectual because you're capable of seeing the plot in a piece of fiction with an excuse plot.  What, do you analyze character arcs in TF2 in your spare time?

Eh, whatever.  Least I can actually use words instead of filling my comments up with unrelated gifs.

like your boyfriend does to you with his cock lol feygit

#25 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·


>three short paragraphs


WHAT THE FUCK IS A HYPERBOLE? I DON'T GET IT!! And what the hell is a joke?!

#26 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·


Hyperbole is the use of exaggeration as a rhetorical device or figure of speech.  It may be used to evoke strong feelings or to create a strong impression, but is not meant to be taken literally.  Hyperboles are exaggerations to create emphasis or effect. As a literary device, hyperbole is often used in poetry, and is frequently encountered in casual speech.  An example of hyperbole is: "The bag weighed a ton."  Hyperbole helps to make the point that the bag was very heavy, although it is not probable that it would actually weigh a ton.

A joke is something spoken, written, or done with humorous intention. Jokes may have many different forms, e.g., a single word or a gesture (considered in a particular context), a question-answer, or a whole short story. The word "joke" has a number of synonyms.  To achieve their end, jokes may employ irony, sarcasm, word play and other devices.  Jokes may have a punch line, i.e. an ending to make it humorous.  A practical joke or prank differs from a spoken one in that the major component of the humour is physical rather than verbal (for example placing salt in the sugar bowl).

That about clear things up for ya?

#27 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·

>>518249 Someone that use google! MY ONE WEAKNESS! NOO~!! Not the wiki page! Anything but that!

Oh, and:

#28 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·


I was going to type it out by hand, but I didn't really feel like wasting the time or effort on you.

There was a point in all of this?  I must have missed that around the time you started criticizing the tentacle rape candy pony marshmallow semen pornography for being predictable.  Please, do go on.

#29 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·


started criticizing the tentacle rape

GASP!! You mean, this is a place where you can comment on any any fanfic you want, and sometimes someones opinion is different?! It can't be! Nothing like this has happened on the internet before!! How dare some people not like a fanfic!! AUGH!!

#30 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·


"Hey guys, what do you think of this square I drew?"

"Ooh, I like squares!  Good work, man!"

"Thanks.  What about you over there?"

"Circles are really more my thing.  I don't have any feelings one way or the other."

"Oh . . . well, that's fair.  Now, you there, what do you think of it?"

"Who, me?"


". . . You drew a fucking square?"

"Well, yeah.  I kind of wanted to draw a square.  I know that it's not the most original shape, but I wanted to know what you thought of the other elements, like the colour and the lines."

"You probably just drew four lines of equal length and connected them with right angles in the corners, didn't you?"

". . . It's a square.  That's kind of the point."

"That's fucking stupid!  It's predictable and shallow!"

"I am aware of that, but I wasn't looking to be original; I just wanted to get peoples' opinions on the execution rather than the idea."

"The idea is stupid!  You're stupid!"

I don't have an issue with you criticizing the story.  I have an issue with you "criticizing" it for a reason that's completely arbitrary to the discussion the author wants and has already been addressed by the reader's suspension of disbelief.

#32 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·


Going by your comments and a simple background check. You're a troll who hates clopfics. Have fun with your inferiority complex, condescending attitude and need to rely on images and GIFs to illicit a reaction, not hard to see why everyone doesn't take you seriously, oh well. Ta-ta!:heart:

#33 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·

>>518833 Yep, I'm such a troll and hate clop fics SO much, that I even Favorited some! Wait...

Have fun grabbing at straws and making shit up, stalker! It's like you're trying to put me on the defensive, and change the topic or something! But, then this is the internet. I'd have an easier time getting a holy paladin to level 69 while you and your father performed it on each other than getting a intelligent response. If you really need to give anyone advice, teach your dad how to work your balls without biting. Or better yet, choke on each other so you can at least bring some joy to some bored obituary writer.

I don't hate clop fics, I hate how serious some people take it. I'm also a reviewer, and clop fics (and grim-dark) fanfics are so beyond silly, and are easy to rip apart. If you did a proper background check (holy crap, am I becoming infamous?!), you'd know that I'm also a riffer, not that you would know what that is.

#34 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·


Hmm, I upset you. Goody.:heart:

I just took a brief glance at your profile page and your comments here, I suppose background check was an exaggeration. Nonetheless, you're gone ahead and proved your immaturity by insinuating that I fuck my own father.

You might be a reviewer, but you're obviously a very bad one.

#35 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·

>>519096 Tells me of my immaturity, begins reply with

Hmm, I upset you. Goody.:heart:
And it seems that I was right about people (you) taking your tentacle rape clop fics so seriously that you think you need to defend it's honor. How cute. And learn what a joke is, by the way. Like this one: Your words have the tiny, impotent sting of someone whose asshole is considered a workout machine at the local gym. If you take that serious, evaluate yourself. Really.

And if we're going to be imagining each other as things, you're the candy stripper who has to wash me. While you hungrily change my gigantic diaper, one of your probing sponge strokes finds the skeleton of a cat in one of the meat pockets between my armpit and seventh love handle. It was your cat, missing for weeks. In that moment you realize you never gave yourself a chance to cry. You sob like what your people call a poof, and I take a bite out of your stupid fag arm. The doctors can't save you because surprise: You were a fucking pussy the whole time.

And seeing as people add me to their watch list simply because I'm a reviewer, your little tiff is invalid. And seeing as I made the author of this story laugh and he didn't even like the guy that was defending him, I think you're taking this way to seriously. How can someone that left a comment like this:

>>518191 get under your skin so easily? And you're defending this clopfic. Yeah, I'm not going to take you seriously, not that I ever did.

#36 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·


I haven't even read the fic actually for the record. I'm not defending it at all, just looking to get under your your skin and hey presto it's working like a charm!

Your insults speak so much about you. Such butthurt and vitriol!. You've been trolled darling.:heart:

#37 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·

>>519198 Oh, you. :heart: I've been bamboozled! I have seen the light!!

Oh God, my eyes!!

You know, with all these replies, I could've written a fanfic instead. Oh well.

#38 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·

Internet arguments among bronies. Buck yeah.

Hope both of your lives are complete. :pinkiehappy:

As for the story... not my cup of tea, but heck, people seem to enjoy and the writing is above average, so, bravo, Sir! Keep up your good, perverted work, I guess! :pinkiehappy:

#39 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·

Well then. First clopfic I ever read. I hope you're happy for spoiling the genre for me, because I seriously doubt the rest of it is this good.

#40 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·

i am sorry but it is clear what the end could be, there is a few different endings it will be....

1) they are all real and twilight let her friends be raped half to death and possibly impregnated, kind of grim....

2) they are all fakes, they seem so real, TOO real

3) this is all in her head and non of it happened or a dream/nightmare

4) does not matter if they are real or not, twilight gives up and turns into a fuck slave

5) some cheap twist on the other 4....

I am going to wait for the ending and see which you did, i may be wrong and you might make a ending which surprised me which would be awesome, real or fake its too painful to see them getting raped like this...see you at the end!

#41 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·


Clearly, I am the god of clop.

Lay your horsedicks before me in tribute.

(Anyone who takes any of this seriously needs to re-examine their lives.)

#42 · 209w, 3d ago · · · Honesty ·

Twilight's interaction with Dash made Twi disloyal. Her interaction with AJ made her dishonest.

Do I see a pattern here?

#43 · 209w, 2d ago · · · Honesty ·

Loving the premise to the whole thing, and the execution even more. It's hot as hell. It may follow a linear pattern, but I don't think it suffers for that. I actually think it's enhanced by it.

#44 · 209w, 2d ago · · · Honesty ·

I don't know what everyone going on about Discord plays by his own rules sure but he doesn't cross them though so i do believe the first RD was a fake now AJ ehh theirs no reason to assume Discord told AJ about the return of wings and horns since it didn't directly effect her so she may have been real this is actually pretty interesting both for the tentacle clop (Pony hell here i come)  and for the "whats really going on here" factor.

#45 · 209w, 2d ago · · · Honesty ·


If you'll forgive my pretentiousness for a moment, I've always thought that one of the elements of great tragedy was being able to see the tragic hero(ine)'s doom coming a mile off and being helpless to prevent it.

That said, I think this thing is going to turn out a little less predictably than most think.

Thanks for reading.

#46 · 209w, 2d ago · · · Honesty ·


True enough. But if it's a tragedy, there are few ways that you could end it NOT being predictable, wouldn't you say?

#48 · 209w, 2d ago · · · Honesty ·


I have to give you some credit for that one. Smooth.

Can't wait for your next chapter!

#49 · 209w, 1d ago · 1 · · Loyalty ·

I actually, really liked this!!!

I'm totally not going to clop to this, *cough cough* :twilightoops:

#50 · 209w, 1d ago · · · Honesty ·

I. Love. This.

:scootangel: :pinkiecrazy:

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