Of Owls and Hats

by Malcolm Merlyn

Gray's new investment

Good morning sir. I am Engineer model G-13114, I have been tasked with making calculations towards your company. Mainly in accounting and finance. Today sir, Gray Gravel Co. went up by 12 points upon the Stock Market. Very good news... sir.

"Thank you G-13114." The wealthy and elderly man nodded as he slumped down into his chair and behind his desk. Beside him was a soldier robot who was pouring him a mug of coffee. "Now then. About our competitors?"

Mann Co. Scanning... Today sir, Mann Co.'s stock value has gone up by 27 points. Further analysis shows that Mann co. is ahead of Gray co. by 299 points.

"What? How is this possible? After months of my robots attacking Mann co, that fool Saxton Hale shouldn't even as much as have a working factory in the entire badlands!"

Sir. This is not true. Of all the robot attacks upon Mann Co. only 0.222% of them destroy the facility. In addition, all destroyed robots fund the mercenary armies of Mann. Co, their fuel source is evidently the fuel source of humans, colloquially referred to as "money". Further calculations indicate Mann Co. makes 11% more profit than we do.

"Curses! I am not going to allow that nit-witted buffoon make a fool out of me!" The old businessman said through gritted his teeth. "Alright then! How are sales going?"

Sales are going good, a large portion of the population seems to like our hats. We are making much profit in the hat industry. Unfortunately, Saxton Hale has us marginally beaten in the weapons industry.

"Humph... well... what do you say G-13114... it's time that we expand business?"

If we are to beat Saxton Hale in business... I do recommend we expand our hat industry.

"Good! Just what I was thinking!" Gray smiled. "ASSEMBLE THE ROBOTS! GET THE ENGINEERS! GET THE TELEPORTERS! WE ARE EXPANDING BUSINESS! To Equestria! A land of magical horses that will certainly buy our products! I mean come on... who doesn't want a hat?! And besides... don't ponies love hats?!"
Well. Some of them did.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Roughly 28 days later. Saxton Hale's office.

"Where... where is Mister Hale?" The assistant asked as she entered the room which was currently empty, with the exception of the accountant was doing work watching TV.

"Oh yeah. He went off to go practice Kung Fu with a panda." The accountant commented as he continued to watch the ball game. "Something about private plane to a Chinese monastery and fighting the second best guy at Kung Fu ever. You see... Number one was Sun Tzu... but he's kinda dead."

Saxton Hale's office location.

Sweat beaded off the head of the massive Australian. He looked at his opponent on the other side of the ring. A massive panda, EVEN MORE MANLIER THAN THE ONE Hale slept with. THAT WAS A DOWNRIGHT ACHIEVEMENT. It had a black belt. MADE FROM THE FURS OF OTHER PANDAS that had challenged him. While he had been busy kicking their asses, he had also given them haircuts. What? You thought he KILLED THEM?! THAT'D BE TERRIBLE!

"So. Honorable traveler." The Panda boomed as he bowed before the Australian. "You have great courage. Few men have the courage to face Gongfu Xiongmao in combat. Shall we begin brave and honorable warrior?"

"THE NAME'S SAXTON HALE! CEO OF MANN CO. AND I AM GOING TO ENDANGER YOU LIKE I'VE ENDANGERED THOUSANDS OF OTHER ANIMALS." The Australian bellowed. "AND WHEN I WIN THIS FIGHT, YOU HAVE TO COME WITH ME ON MY NEXT ADVENTURE. WE CAN KICK ASS, TOGETHER! WITH THE OTHER PEOPLE I MET BEFORE!"

"And if I win... you give me your hat. Deal?!"

"DEAL! NOW LET'S FIGHT."

Three.
Two.
One.
BEGIN.

The Australian charged forth, yelling the most blood curdling scream ever that would at the same time, turn boys into men, giving them manly beards and chest hair. The panda charged forth, bellowing things that only pandas could understand. Good thing that there weren't any other pandas in earshot, or they may have pissed themselves in sheer terror.

Their fists collided. The sounds of a nuclear bomb exploding echoed throughout the mountain as the local village all gazed up in awe. The roof of the Dojo of Gongfu Xiongmao tore right open as the two combatants flew straight out. Fists flying faster than any mortal can possibly perceive. Then without warning, the panda took the lead, a heavy, furry elbow landed straight upon the Australian's head, sending him flying into the ground. The large bear came down like a meteor only to be kicked back up as Saxton Hale totally screwed gravity over and shot up at him, punching him in the gut. Within the skies, the pair fought fists swinging at fast enough speeds to penetrate tank armor and moving around so fast, most humans would hardly be able to even perceive what they were doing.

"Mr. Hale!"

JAB* PUNCH*

"Mr. Hale!"

"Excuse for a moment Mr. Xiongmao." Saxton said as he looked down. "IF YOU HIPPIES CAN'T TELL... I AM HANGING OUT WITH REAL MEN TODAY. SO GET THE..."

"Sir... it's important!"

"WHAT CAN POSSIBLY BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN FIGHTING A PANDA WHO HAD BEEN TRAINED BY SUN TZU IN KUNG FU?!"

"Gray Mann... he didn't attack us... for almost an entire month!"

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!

Mann Co. NOT ATTACKED BY THOSE HIPPY ROBOTS?! IN FOUR WEEKS?! WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?! Wait a second... does... does... does that mean... does that mean Gray Mann. Surrenders?! AS IN... MANN CO. DOESN'T HAVE ANY COMPETITORS ANY MORE?! THEN... THIS IS GREAT! ALMOST WORTH ACTUALLY HAVING TO PUT OFF A FIGHT BETWEEN THE BEST KUNG FU MASTER THAT WAS CURRENTLY IN EXISTENCE.

"Hold on a second... what if it's a trick?!" Hale suddenly remembered as he stopped a second short of breaking out the beer and the steaks. WHAT IF... GRAY WAS TRYING TO TRICK THEM?! WHAT IF....

"Wait... I know... I'll... why don't I just..."

Beep*

"Sir. It's your phone."

"Huh. Wonder who's faxing me?"

"It's Helen." His assistant commented as he peeled off the page and read the paper. He didn't say a word, which caused the big Australian to realize something was off. Grabbing the paper from the man, he read it over.

"THAT SLIMY BALLBAG! HE'S CHEATING! HE CAN'T JUST EXPAND HIS HAT BUSINESS BECAUSE I AM DOING BETTER THAN HIM!" Saxton raged as he picked up an entire desk, and broke it over his face. "BOY! CALL THE MERCS! WE ARE GOING TO AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE TO SELL HATS."

"Umm... what?"

"DID YOU NOT HEAR ME SON?! ASSEMBLE THE MERCS! NOW!!!"

"Yes SIR!" The assistant whimpered as he sprinted out of Hale's office.

"Ha! You landed on my square! You owe me money!" Scout commented happily as Engineer groaned. Handing scout the bills, the Texan took a swig of his beer as Scout rolled his dice landing on one of his own deeds.

"Nothing. Yeah...yeah... alright." Scout nodded as he handed the dice to Demoman. The Scotsman took a good swing and landed with the age-old snake-eyes. Landing on an unpurchased deed, Demo decided why-the-hell-not, and bought the piece of property.

"This... is... getting boring." Spy commented as he spectated the match. Grabbing a cigarette he took a puff while Heavy stood next to him, munching on a sandwich. The game had been going on for at least half an hour, and you know what? This has got to be the most boring game of monopoly in human history. Let's see... now... yep. The most exciting thing that happened yet was Engineer landing on Scout's deed. To say the Frenchman was bored to death would be an understatement. The robots hadn't attacked in weeks already, and right now, he was quickly running out of things to do without anyone to stab. Watching Heavy leave for a moment to grab a drink, he conveniently left his sandwich on the table.

Hmmm...

"Ohh Scout!" The Frenchman whistled. "Look what Sniper made for you!"

"A sandwich huh?" The Bostonian asked as he accepted it from spy. "Okay. First things first, did he wash his hands?"

"Yep!"

"Did you poison this?"

"Nope! Enjoy scout!"

"Wow... well... thanks Spy!" The Bostonian nodded as he took a bite. "Mmm. Moist. And delicious."

The Spy had already disappeared, waiting behind the boxes to see the fireworks. Heavy had just gotten back from grabbing a glass of water, and a loincloth.

"La-da-da-da...la-da-da-da... huh?" The Russian gasped as he saw the empty plate. "Where did Sandvich go?!"

"Heavy." Spy said. "That little imbecile! Scout! He took your sandwich! I tried to tell him not to but..."

"LITTLE MAN STEAL SANDVICH?! SCOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT "

The Bostonian looked over as he saw the flying train of a man wearing his football helmet shoot straight for him like a bullet out of a minigun. The crash that followed came from a hole in the wall as sounds of fighting erupted within the hole. The angry Russian nonsensically billowing out things regarding the crime of stealing a sandwich. The penalty of which, was being forced to hand over your teeth to the Russian toothfairy.

Behind them, Spy laughed himself to tears as he saw Scout running away from Heavy, who was making noises from his ears. The sound of which, was akin to a freight train.

"ALRIGHT BIG GUY... BEFORE YOU KILL ME... SNIPER MADE ME THAT SANDWICH..."

"DID SNIPER GIVE YOU SANDVICH?!"

"No! BUT SPY GAVE IT TO ME! HE SAID IT WAS FROM SNIPER!"

Completely missing the point, the Russian's wrath was now diverted to the napping Australian who was sleeping in a hammock. A hunter's magazine covering his face from his gentle slumber.

"YOU...MAKE...BIG... MISTAKE..."

As per his usual day, Soldier could be found running laps. Doing his usual "soldier training" as Demoman referred to it as. Typically, he would do this just after getting out of bed and having a cup of coffee. After sixteen laps, two hundred pushups and over five hundred stomach crunches, the devout patriot was now ready to go do something else. Perhaps breakfast. Perhaps a game of poker or maybe teach his "class" of severed heads about the most manly person that ever lived. Sun Tzu. The man who invented fighting, Kung Fu, and war. Having a copy of Sun Tzu's "Killing people for Dummies" and "Fighting in a war for Dummies" at all times, the American had practically memorized most of the lines.

As he entered the large room which served as a place for all the mercenaries to get together when not busy exploding each other, he found the entire room the exact way he wanted it.

He would have joined in on the fun, if it hadn't been the knock on the door. MESSENGER!

"CEASE FIRE! CEASE FIRE!" The American cried over the sounds of a fight raging from the table. Engineer was hitting Demoman over the heinous sin of "cheating"... Heavy was beating up Scout and Sniper... Spy was busy making popcorn with Pyro's help... the only that stopped the Mercs was the only other person who had heard the knocking.

"HELLO FRAULEINS! NOW SHUT UP!" The German spat out from a microphone as the sheer volume sent people flying against the wall. "Zere's is someone at ze door!"

Pans, fireaxes, baseball bats, knives and swords were retrieved in an instant. You see... the last two guys had come with news regarding how there would be "budget cuts". Naturally, the mercs didn't like that. Not one bit. Weapons and such pointed at the door, the mob waited as Medic let the man in who got a good look of nine lunatics armed to the teeth.

"Hi...?"

"Okay. If this is about how we're going to have to start paying for the air conditioning, I am going to shove my wrench up your ass so far it'll be the only thing you can think about." Engineer threatened as he waved his bludgeon at the messenger for effect. "Now then boy, spit it out."

"Oh right... you know how there haven't been any robot attacks in four weeks?"

"Yeah... yeah... did they quit?" Scout asked hopefully.

"No. You see... they um... expanded business."

"EXPANDED BUSINESS?! HOW DARE THEY NOT ENGAGE US IN THE RING OF HONOR AND ONLY FIGHT US WITH MONEY!" Soldier raged as a nearby table was smashed with his shovel.

"Yeah... so Mr. Hale wants you to... well... he says that you all will get to travel to this place called Equestria... and then you get to wreck Gray Mann and all his things! He said it would be fun!"

"It sounds boring." Demoman said rolling his good eye.

"Oh right. Gray Mann expanded his hat factories into Equestria. Any hats you find are yours."

"COUNT ME IN. COUNT ME IN. COUNT ME IN!" Demoman babbled as he picked up the messenger. "NOW WHERE IS THIS BLOODY PLACE?!"

"I have ze answer to zat question." Medic nodded. "Go home to Herr Hale. Tell him zat ve vill be going."

"You got a clue to where this "Equestria" is doc?" Engineer asked as he sat down.

"Aye. Engie, build me your teleporter and ve vill begin."

"Well hurry it up eggheads!" Scout said as he packed his things in a flash. "I got some hats to grab!"

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

When it was 4:00 AM local time anywhere in anyplace, the typical rule of thumb was, the place was pretty quiet. You see, Ponyville on a certain day didn't exactly have the same luxury.

Spike was roused from his slumber as he heard the heavy footfalls of metal clanking on the pavement. Outside, he rubbed his eyes as the mechanical voices began to speak.
Buy our hats... Buy our hats... Buy our hats...

"Huh?" The dragon yawned as he rubbed his eyes from sleep deprivation. He considered falling back asleep, his favorite pastime, but realized that something about these hat salesponies probably had to have something to it if they were selling them first thing in the morning.

Only when did he exit the house did he realize.

They were't ponies.

They were... metal... humans?

Robots?

Buy our hats... Buy our hats...

"What the hay is going on 'round here?!" Applejack asked as she saw the mob. "And what in tarnation are you clankers supposed to be?!"

We are selling hats. Please buy our hats.

"Hats huh? That's almost worth getting roused out of bed so early in the morning!" A certain white unicorn spoke up as she saw the giant mob. "What kind of hats?"

These ones... The robots beeped as they showed Rarity the array of hats. Except... they weren't hats... more like some beat metal into the shape of hats...

"Okay. First off." The White Unicorn began as her neck craned backwards. "How heavy are these... things?! And second off... who designed these hats?! They're... crimes against fashion I tell you! CRIMES AGAINST FASHION!"

"I do agree..." Applejack began as she looked at the hats. "They look a bit too darn heavy... and... HEY! What are you doing?!"

Hats.... Hats...

"GIVE ME MAH HAT BACK YOU NASTY TIN-CAN!" The earth pony shouted as she gave chase to the scout-bot that stole her favorite apparel.

Must have more hats to make...

Let's just say... stealing hats wasn't supposed to be part of the programming...

Author's Note:

Before anyone asks, yes.

The entire TF2 team is involved.

Comments

[Silentwoodfire]

Now things get interesting

[Commissar Derpy Hooves]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPKQOGSRlcc