Adventures in Time and Space

Time Turner is a Time Pony, and he travels in time and space. Well, until he crash-landed in Equestria. With his time machine broken, he'll be staying here a while. And it's up to him to keep the place in one piece until then.

Chapters (4)

Magic is Friendship- Part 1 · 29th Nov 2014 · 511 words
511
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Magic is Friendship- Part 2 · 20th Dec 2014 · 748 words
748
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Magic is Friendship- Part 3 · 23rd Dec 2014 · 786 words
786
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Magic is Friendship- Part 4 · 21st Sep 2015 · 551 words
551
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Comments ( 6 )

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RustyKat

RustyKat #1 · Dec 20th, 2014 · · · Magic is Friendship- Part 2 ·

Would Zernum Hooves be a part of Time Turner? Just posting an idea. th05.deviantart.net/fs71/200H/i/2012/228/4/3/discorded_whooves_vs_doctor_whooves_wallpaper_by_theevilflashanimator-d5bcxmi.png

Sergeant Snuggles

Sergeant Snuggles #2 · Dec 20th, 2014 · · · Magic is Friendship- Part 2 ·

I hate how a load of ponies have to different names... Like Doctor Whooves and Time Turner, even Derpy Hooves and Ditzy Doo.

Inthretis

Inthretis #3 · Dec 20th, 2014 · 1 · · Magic is Friendship- Part 2 ·

Hmm... Doctor Whooves.

Advice:
1. This needs the crossover tag. It is a Doctor Who/MLP crossover, thus it needs the crossover tag.

2. It is kind of quick paced, considering each chapter is about 500 words and ~2 scenes each, so it's probably better to jut combine the two current chapters into one larger one (1000 words per chapter is actually small on this site, and for most non-random fics is the minimum standard).

3. As mentioned above, the pacing is a bit quick. Some detail and descriptions would go a long way to add to the reading experience in my opinion. The pacing is generally fast, and in less than 1k words we've already reached the "plot". You do say it will be turned into an audio series, so I can forgive the lack of description, but the pacing needs work. An average episode of a Doctor Whooves series (and many similar series) has episode lengths about 15 to 25 minutes long (around the length of a half-hour cartoon), and what you've written so far can be read in probably less than 10 minutes.

4. I do like your attempts at a more "original" Doctor Whooves series, with a cabinet instead of a police box (Although changing the police box interior is the one cliche most people like, considering it's the show's symbol). Giving the Doctor a new catchphrase has been done before (Avante! and other phrases have been used). I am not entirely sure what Doctor this is based on, or if it is an original personality, as he has not had many lines or other instances that developed this personality.

5. Characters. Your characters are... basic. Not much personality, and Lyra doesn't really do much at all. Answer some questions, and sleep. The Doctor mostly just gets excited and... stuff. Maybe conversation? And some scenes that develop their characters more would help nicely (Doctor Whooves Adventures and Doctor Whooves and Assistant audio series are great examples).

Simply put, 1k words is not a lot of time to develop your characters. The only instance where the Doctor had shown any real personality was in the beginning, with a very short (like 200 words) scene of him screaming. Other than that, he mostly just reacts to stuff (barely, not many comments other than "oh, Equestria is different than other places" kind of vibe.)

6. All in all, it seems like a new version of the Doctor Whooves and Assistant series but with Lyra instead of Derpy so far. It even has the same "Doctor Whooves and his companion do stuff in the background of the canon episode" plot. Hopefully it gets better.

7. Grammar.

Today is the eve of the Summer Sun Celebration, the spectacular celebration of Celestia raising the sun. This year, it will take place in Ponyville. But it is destined to go wrong...
Above the skies of Equestria, a strange cabinet of sorts was falling from the sky.

This section switches between past, future, and present tenses, and should be rectified. Considering no time travel is mentioned here, the description should be written in past tense.

"Hmm? What's that?" Said the earth pony

For the record, all words that immediately follow an end quotation mark should be uncapitalized. Thus, "Said" should be "said".

Overall, above standard Doctor Whooves fic. Pretty good grammar, no noticeable spelling errors, and a familiar plot. The Doctor doesn't understand Equestria, is excited, gets a companion, may or may not have recently regenerated, and fight an ancient evil that is probably alien in nature. It's okay. Nothing outstanding at the moment. It has some issues, but with a bit of additions and minor changes this could possibly be "different". Or original! Maybe with a new Doctor personality or something.

Hope you take my advice, and have a nice day.

Timesmashaperil

Timesmashaperil #4 · Dec 20th, 2014 · · · Magic is Friendship- Part 2 ·

5403630 Thank you for the advice. This is one of my first works, and I appreciate the help. I am going to make stories that take place away from the main stories, I just thought episode 1 would be a good place to start. You are right when you say that it is similar to Doctor Whooves and the Assistant, as I got the idea from that series. Though the ending of this story will be quite different from the DW&A episode, so I hope you like it.

Timesmashaperil