Magic is Friendship- Part 2
It was the night of the Summer Sun Celebration, and all seemed fine. But it would not be for long...
Lyra was nearly to the celebration. She was very excited, as this was the first time that Ponyville hosted the Summer Sun Celebration in a long time. She was about to enter the town hall when-
"Excuse me, is this where the Summer Sun Celebration is?" Asked a pony that seemed familiar.
Lyra turned around in shock. "A-are you...?"
"The pony who came out of a cabinet a little while ago? Yes. I can't wait to see this celebration! Most celestial masses move on their own!" He smiled a ridiculous smile.
"Celestia- what?" She was quite confused.
"Never mind, I'll explain later..." They entered, and waited for it to begin. "So, what's gonna happen?"
"Princess Celestia will come out, and then raise the sun." As she was speaking, a gasp came from the audience.
"What does she look like?" He asked, unaware to what was happening.
"She's a white alicorn, and her cutie mark is a sun."
"Ah, thank you."
"Oh my gosh!" She looked at where Celestia was supposed to stand.
"Oh, there's the- That doesn't look like how you described her at all..." A black and purple alicorn was where Celestia should've been.
"...And the night will last... FOREVER! MUAHAHAHAHA!" Yelled the ominous-looking alicorn.
"Sorry, what's your name? You never told me." The earth pony asked Lyra.
"It's, uh, Lyra." She replied.
"Just call me Time Turner, Lyra! Let's go! Avante!" The pony now known as Time Turner ran out the door.
"Wait for me!" Lyra ran after him.
After a while, he reached a blue cabinet sitting on the street. It looked exactly the same as the one before.
"What's that?" Lyra looked at the strange thing.
"I'll tell you later." Turner entered the cabinet, then came out with an old book. "Here we go. Let's see... E for Equestria... Eccelston, no... E-Space, definitely no... Aha! Equestria!"
"Sorry, what is that book?" Lyra tried to read it, but it was written in some strange other language.
"It's a book about the Artefacts. They're... Oh never mind, I'll tell you later."
"You've been saying that a lot, you know."
"Yes, yes, I know. But I know where we are going! We must find the Elements of Harmony!"
"What are those?"
"The Elements of Harmony are a group of six element that represent virtues. When they are brought together, they can unleash incredible power! With that much power, we can stop this eternal night!"
"Whoa... That sounds pretty cool." She had a look of awe on her face. "But where did they come from?"
"I thought you'd never ask! Time for a history lesson!" He gestured to the cabinet. "Come on!"
"In there?" Lyra looked at it. "It's not exactly that large."
"Or is it?" He clapped his hooves together, and the doors opened. "Take a look."
Lyra looked inside it, and was greeted by a large room, filled with tools, grapes, and a large central console. "B-but... It's..."
"Bigger on the inside?" Prompted Turner.
"How?" Lyra was gazing in awe.
"See that tree over there?" he extended a hoof towards a tree in the distance.
"Yes, I do."
"It looks smaller than this cabinet, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, I guess... But what does this have to do with-"
"If it was over there and here at the same time, it would fit inside, wouldn't it?"
"Uhh... Yes?" She wasn't quite sure where he was going with this.
"Ok, now forget everything I just said, as it's a horrible explanation. Come on!" He walked inside the cabinet.
"Whatever you say..." She walked inside, and with a clap of Turner's hooves, the doors closed, and with a gust of wind, the strange machine disappeared...
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Would Zernum Hooves be a part of Time Turner?
Just posting an idea. th05.deviantart.net/fs71/200H/i/2012/228/4/3/discorded_whooves_vs_doctor_whooves_wallpaper_by_theevilflashanimator-d5bcxmi.png
I hate how a load of ponies have to different names... Like Doctor Whooves and Time Turner, even Derpy Hooves and Ditzy Doo.
Hmm... Doctor Whooves.
Advice:
1. This needs the crossover tag. It is a Doctor Who/MLP crossover, thus it needs the crossover tag.
2. It is kind of quick paced, considering each chapter is about 500 words and ~2 scenes each, so it's probably better to jut combine the two current chapters into one larger one (1000 words per chapter is actually small on this site, and for most non-random fics is the minimum standard).
3. As mentioned above, the pacing is a bit quick. Some detail and descriptions would go a long way to add to the reading experience in my opinion. The pacing is generally fast, and in less than 1k words we've already reached the "plot". You do say it will be turned into an audio series, so I can forgive the lack of description, but the pacing needs work. An average episode of a Doctor Whooves series (and many similar series) has episode lengths about 15 to 25 minutes long (around the length of a half-hour cartoon), and what you've written so far can be read in probably less than 10 minutes.
4. I do like your attempts at a more "original" Doctor Whooves series, with a cabinet instead of a police box (Although changing the police box interior is the one cliche most people like, considering it's the show's symbol). Giving the Doctor a new catchphrase has been done before (Avante! and other phrases have been used). I am not entirely sure what Doctor this is based on, or if it is an original personality, as he has not had many lines or other instances that developed this personality.
5. Characters. Your characters are... basic. Not much personality, and Lyra doesn't really do much at all. Answer some questions, and sleep. The Doctor mostly just gets excited and... stuff. Maybe conversation? And some scenes that develop their characters more would help nicely (Doctor Whooves Adventures and Doctor Whooves and Assistant audio series are great examples).
Simply put, 1k words is not a lot of time to develop your characters. The only instance where the Doctor had shown any real personality was in the beginning, with a very short (like 200 words) scene of him screaming. Other than that, he mostly just reacts to stuff (barely, not many comments other than "oh, Equestria is different than other places" kind of vibe.)
6. All in all, it seems like a new version of the Doctor Whooves and Assistant series but with Lyra instead of Derpy so far. It even has the same "Doctor Whooves and his companion do stuff in the background of the canon episode" plot. Hopefully it gets better.
7. Grammar.
This section switches between past, future, and present tenses, and should be rectified. Considering no time travel is mentioned here, the description should be written in past tense.
For the record, all words that immediately follow an end quotation mark should be uncapitalized. Thus, "Said" should be "said".
Overall, above standard Doctor Whooves fic. Pretty good grammar, no noticeable spelling errors, and a familiar plot. The Doctor doesn't understand Equestria, is excited, gets a companion, may or may not have recently regenerated, and fight an ancient evil that is probably alien in nature. It's okay. Nothing outstanding at the moment. It has some issues, but with a bit of additions and minor changes this could possibly be "different". Or original! Maybe with a new Doctor personality or something.
Hope you take my advice, and have a nice day.
5403630 Thank you for the advice. This is one of my first works, and I appreciate the help. I am going to make stories that take place away from the main stories, I just thought episode 1 would be a good place to start. You are right when you say that it is similar to Doctor Whooves and the Assistant, as I got the idea from that series. Though the ending of this story will be quite different from the DW&A episode, so I hope you like it.
5403479 There might be a story that features something similar to that, yes.
5412853 ooh! Then I has a group for mr. Zernum.
Right on mah page.