The rapid clopping of hooves rattled through the streets of Canterlot as Lyra Heartstrings ran down the hill, her light cyan and white mane blowing into her face. "Hey Amethyst!-" she began to call when her hoof caught a stone causing her to begin tumbling down the gentle incline. Lyra bounced and rolled, finally landing on the ground just behind Amethyst Star. "Ouch..."
"You really need to be more careful, Lyra. You're always so overly-enthusiastic it's almost dangerous," chuckled the magenta unicorn. Of course, Lyra did not pick up on her sarcasm.
"Pfft. I'm just naturally energetic. Anyway, that's not important. I need you to do a favor for me. You see, I'm not going to Moondancer's party bec-"
"Wait, you're not going to the party?" replied Amethyst, "But we do everything together!" It was true. The two were the best of friends that could not be separated.
"I'm sorry, it's not my fault! I'm moving to Ponyville today-" Lyra was quickly cut off again.
"You're moving and you never told me? I thought we were best friends! Why didn't you tell me?" Guilt began to seep into Lyra, even though it really wasn't her fault. She had been sick at home with the flu for the past week and she hadn't been able to leave the house, not to mention contact any of her friends.
"I know and I'm sorry, but you know I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. You are my best friend, and you have been since we first met."
Amethyst sighed. "Lyra, just stop."
This was the first fight that the two friends had since they first met each other as fillies. It was their similar manecuts that had got them to even notice each other in the first place. Otherwise they were nothing alike, but their opposing interests had never gotten in the way of their friendship before.
"But Amethyst, I was stuck at home and you should know that!" Lyra complained, putting her hooves on Amethyst's shoulders. Again, her friend sighed, brushed off Lyra's hooves and turned around.
"At least tell me when you decided you were moving," she whispered. Lyra knew that her answer wouldn't make any of this better. She lowered her head.
"Last week. But I would have told you if I could! I promise. I'm so sorry. And I'm sorry about the party too," the mint unicorn begged.
Amethyst was beginning to tear up at this point, and struggled to say, "Fine. I believe you. It's just that I'm going to miss you. A lot. Not just at the party, but whenever I just want to hangout, or when I'm sad. Like right now." Lyra empathized with her, the emotions beginning to take their toll on her.
"I know," Lyra replied, "I feel the same way." The two hugged for only a few seconds, but for Lyra it felt like forever. "I'll miss you." She then sniffled, holding back her tears.
"You too," was what Amethyst wanted to say, but it ended up coming out as only a few squeaks. When they broke their embrace she finally gathered her emotions enough for her to actually speak properly. "Now, why don't we stop this nonsense. Everypony is starting to stare." Her voice cracked as she spoke.
A galloping was heard not too far behind Lyra, who then turned around to see another pony she knew, Twilight Sparkle, galloping towards them. She began to raise a hoof to wave but Twilight did not stop. Instead she continued to dash past them in the direction of her study. Amethyst had simply dismissed it as Twilight being overexcited about her studying again, but Lyra knew that didn't seem to be the case this time. The look on Twilight's face showed that she was worried about something. "Huh, that was a bit strange..." muttered the lyrist.”I should go. You know, so I don't- um... miss the train" Lyra lied. She gave Amethyst one last hug before departing. What she didn’t say was that the train wasn’t going to leave for another hour and that she was actually going after Twilight to finding out what she was up to.
After a short run through Canterlot Fields, she had arrived at an ivory-colored spire that most knew to be Twilight Sparkle's study. Trotting up the staircase, she began to hear bits of a conversation that Twilight was having with somepony. As she peeked through the window, she could see Twilight dictating to her assistant, Spike. Spike was a baby dragon that seemed to always be with Twilight wherever she went.
"...for you see, the mythical Mare in the Moon is in fact Nightmare Moon, and she's about to return to Equestria, and bring with her eternal night!"
I knew I was onto something, thought Lyra, and people called me crazy for thinking things like Humans and Zomponies were real. She had been searching for something like this for years. Lyra always believed in myths and legends, some of which she was still looking to prove, but the Mare in the Moon was the first one that anypony else believed other than her. Upon hearing that somepony as smart and serious as Twilight believed it, she became giddy with excitement and started bouncing up and down outside the window. To her dismay the excitement began to dwindle as Twilight continued.
"Something must be done to make sure this terrible prophecy does not come true. I await your quick response. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.''
"Twilight... Spaaar-kle. Got it!" exclaimed Spike.
"Great! Send it."
"Now?"
"Of course!"
"Uh, I dunno, Twilight, Princess Celestia's a little busy getting ready for the Summer Sun Celebration. And it's like, the day after tomorrow," replied Spike, still skeptical of Twilight's claim.
Then Lyra remembered. Oh that's right, the Summer Sun Celebration is coming up! I completely forgot that it was being held in Ponyville this year! I better hurry up then or the train will be packed. But Twilight wasn't finished. As the sneaky unicorn turned to leave, she heard the most important piece of information of all.
"That's just it, Spike," said Twilight worriedly, "the day after tomorrow is the thousandth year of the Summer Sun Celebration! It's imperative that the Princess is told right away!"
Spike struggled to understand, along with pronounce the word. "Impera... impera..."
"Important!"
Wait, the thousandth year? So the prophecy is set to happen the day after tomorrow? I'd better get to the train. If she's right, then something really bad is about to happen! Lyra quickly sped down the twisting staircase and towards her home to gather her belongings. She was off to Ponyville, not just because she was moving, but for the Summer Sun Celebration, and Nightmare Moon.
_______________________________
"All aboard the Friendship Express to Ponyville!"
A whistle blew, signaling the doors to be opened. All of the ponies congregated on the platform began to push and shove past each other to get onto the train. The station was hustling and bustling with ponies, all on their way to Ponyville for the Summer Sun Celebration. Usually it wouldn't be this busy, what with Ponyville being such a small and insignificant village, but every year ponies from across Equestria would all pile into trains to get to the newest host city for the Celebration.
Lyra had finally managed to squeeze herself into the train, which was now filled to the brim with ponies of all shapes and sizes. She hurriedly moved towards the back of the train carriage while levitating her packed bags behind her. "Excuse me, coming through... Oof!" she grunted. She fell into the train compartment, landing flat on her face. Her horn stopped glowing and her bags ceased to float, and just as she was beginning to stand up, she was crushed under the weight of her bags. Lyra grunted again, and began levitating her bags off of her and into the compartment above. After all this trouble to find somewhere to sit, it was finally time for her to relax. She got up and took a seat nearest to the window and reclined, resting her hind hooves on the leather seat opposite of her.
"Ahem"
A voice from somewhere in front of her made Lyra opened her eyes in surprise to see that before her sat a grey earth pony wearing a collar with a purple bow tie. Her purple eyes showed that she was not very pleased.
"Excuse me miss, but why in Equestria are you sitting like that" she grumbled in annoyance. Obviously Lyra's landslide of an entrance did not put her at a good start.
But Lyra found neither the question nor the pony's impression of her quite as important as what was on her mind.
"Woah, that's a cool accent! Are you from Hoofington or Trottingham or something?" she asked with excitement. The other pony gave her a strange look before answering.
"No, my parents are from Birminghoof. I simply picked up my accent from them. But what really matters right now is that you haven't answered my question. Why are you sitting so oddly?" She stood up from her own normal (at least, normal for ponies) sitting position and pointed her left hoof to Lyra.
"What's wrong with the way I sit? I feel comfortable this way. Nobody else has ever bothered me about it before." replied Lyra.
The other pony blinked. "Erm, don't you mean 'nopony'?" she asked inquisitively.
"That's what I said," replied Lyra, a large grin on her face. Now the other mare was confused. About a second or two of silence passed, Lyra was still grinning when the door to the compartment slid open.
"Your luggage, miss Octavia" stated an older colt in a monotone voice. The blue unicorn's horn glowed an even deeper shade of blue as he levitated a small bag into the room, placing it next to Lyra's in the overhead luggage. Why does she need another pony to carry such a small bag? Lyra wondered, but her thoughts were answered when he proceeded to levitate in an even larger case in the shape of what Lyra thought was a stringed instrument of some sort. Oh. The dark maned, grey earth pony whose name was apparently Octavia thanked the colt for his service, and payed him a few bits.
"Wait," said Lyra, "don't I know you from somewhere?" Octavia straightened her bow tie and smiled, enjoying the recognition.
"Of course you should. I am Octavia, and as you can see from my cello, I am the cellist in a four-pony ensemble for the royal orchestra in Canterlot."
"Hey, what a coincidence! I'm just moving from Canterlot! I can't believe we've never met before! My name's Lyra Heartstrings, but I prefer Lyra." Lyra replied, now very much excited. Octavia's jaw dropped. She had thought that Lyra was just some foal of a tourist visiting Canterlot for vacation or something.
"Wait, you mean to say you lived in Canterlot!"
This time it was Lyra's turn to be confused. "Ya, until recently I was studying music in 'Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns'. It's not that big of a deal, I thought you said you lived in Canterlot too."
Octavia felt like she just had the wind knocked out of her. She found it very difficult to regain her composure after news like that. But she was able to calm herself, or at least, make herself appear calm and said "I never said that I lived there, I said I played there. And that's only occasionally. And what do you mean 'it's not that big of a deal'! You lived in Canterlot AND studied in 'Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns'! That's one of the biggest 'deals' I've ever heard! Do not say it's not a big deal!" She ended her response in a shout. She then realized how unladylike she was acting and again regained her composure. "Ahem... I mean... You studied music? What do you play?" she said in a very soft, very quiet tone while nervously smiling from ear to ear.
Lyra's mouth was left agape while her brain tried to register what had just happened. She thought it best to ignore the previous outburst by the musical mare and just answer the question. "Um, well," she began, "As you can see by my cutie mark, I play the lyre." She pointed toward her flank. An imaginary light bulb appeared above her head before she popped up in excitement. "Hey, I have an idea! Maybe I can play for you! I've always wanted the opinion of a professional." Lyra's horn began to glow as she levitated her lyre case out from her saddlebag and opened it. From it she pulled out her golden lyre, similar in shape and design to the very lyre visible on her flank. Octavia was fairly surprised. She always knew she was an amazing cellist and a professional, but she didn't think that she would be asked to critique a graduate from Celestias’ School.
Now, normally a pony playing an instrument such as the lyre would play it with their hooves while changing the tune with magic. But this method is also normally used on a lyre with only two strings. Lyra owned a special lyre, hoof-crafted by one of the greatest instrument production ponies of the era. Her horn glowed, producing four magical appendages. These plucked and strummed the seven strings of the lyre. The unorthodox method of playing proved super effective and pleasant to the ears, the soft tones of the vibrating strings floating through the air. After about a few short measures she stopped. Her final notes hung softly in the air a few seconds after, still adding to the melodic spell.
Octavia could almost not believe her ears. There was no way for her to describe the beauty that she had heard. Even her own music could not match up. But Octavia's ego would not allow it. "Well. Then... It-it was fine. I would suggest that you continue to practice, as I do not believe that it would entirely measure up to more refined tastes." she stated flatly while flipping her ash grey hair. Her eyes shifted and she bit her lip. She hoped that Lyra hadn't seen through her lie.
"Okay, thank you so much! Maybe someday, I'll be good enough to play alongside you!"
Luckily for her, Lyra was pretty gullible.
_______________________________
Arriving in the town of Ponyville, the train finally came to a stop. Ponies poured out of the train, though most ponies were arriving for the Summer Sun Festival, some were returning from their own personal trips to Canterlot. Lyra and Octavia, who she had befriended on the train, were just some of those people. "Goodbye darling, I hope you have an easy time adjusting to Ponyville! We must get back together sometime to talk about your life in Canterlot. I just know we're going to be the best of friends you and I." Octavia waved her hoof while saying her farewell.
"Bye! Hope to see you again soon!" replied Lyra. "Now, where too..." she said to herself. The unicorn used her magic to telekinetically open her saddlebag and produced a sheet of paper from it. On it was a map of the town that she was now in, Ponyville. She quickly scanned the map until she found what she was looking for. A large red 'X' marked the house that she needed to find. Rolling up the map and replacing it in her bag, she began trotting into town. It had a nice quaint feel about it. The streets, usually almost empty, was now filled with ponies from Canterlot and other places in Equestria. Being here in the countryside was a nice change from the big city that Lyra used to live in. The unicorn was filled to the brim with glee as she took in all of the sights of her soon to be home. The loud flapping of wings was heard above, causing the ponies of Ponyville to look up and see a golden chariot in the sky pulled by two of Celestia's royal guards. Lyra knew that they were probably sent by Princess Celestia to deal with the Summer Sun Celebration. The brightness of the sun glaring down at her made it hard for her to see who was riding the chariot. As the flying vessel touched down on the opposite side of town a shimmer caught Lyra's eye. Hmm... That's strange. It's too bright out for the stars to be coming out.... she though.
Finally, Lyra had arrived at a small two story house. Much like all of the other houses, it had a thatched roof with timber frames. In fact, now thinking about it, Lyra saw that nearly all the houses in Ponyville shared the same design. It was a little bit eerie.
Lyra raised her hoof to the door, about to knock when suddenly a loud noise erupted from another house on the opposite side of the street. She was blasted back into the door by the very soundwaves of some sort of strange like music, her saddlebags opening up and spilling her belongings all over the ground. A unicorn that had deep cobalt hair with bright cyan stripes burst out of the window and landed in a mud puddle nearby, splattering her with mud. The new pony looked up at her from behind a pair of purple tinted glasses. "OH! HEY! YOU NEED SOME HELP THERE!?" the unicorn exclaimed. Lyra, still trapped against the door by the loud and heavy music nodded slowly. The blue maned pony turned around and remembered the music she had been playing, and began to cast a spell. Her horn glowed a blue that matched her hair colour and the music stopped. The mare cantered over to Lyra, who was still plastered to the door and looked at her. "Pfft... Hahahaha! Sorry 'bout that. I was just working on new a song. Most people don't like my music, it's just too awesome for them. The name's Vinyl Scratch." Lyra did not reply. "Oh, ya, let me help you with that." she continued, snickering. Vinyl Scratch's horn glowed as she picked up Lyra's dropped belongings, and proceeded to peel Lyra off of the door.
"Th-thanks... Um... Vinyl Scratch was it?" she muttered. It was hard to concentrate on anything while her head was spinning.
"The one and only!" Vinyl replied, "Wait, you're new around here aren't you? One of the ponies here, Pinkie Pie, is throwing a party for another new pony tonight, Midnight Sparkle was it?-"
"Wait, do you mean Twilight Sparkle by any chance?" Lyra interrupted. The Princess probably sent Twilight to come and deal with the return of Nightmare Moon. But why didn't the Princess just come herself?
"Oh ya, Twilight Sparkle, that's it. Anyway, I'm supposed to be producing the music. Maybe you should join in, that would make the party even bigger!"
Lyra hesitated. But then she thought for a moment. Maybe this could be her chance to talk to Twilight and see what she knew about the Mare in the Moon. She decided to accept Vinyl's invitation. "Sure, I'd be glad to come!"
"Awesome! You're pretty cool... um, what was your name?"
"Lyra Heartstrings."
"You're pretty cool Lyra. I can't wait to hang out some more!" exclaimed Vinyl Scratch as she quickly dashed back into her house to continue her work on the new party mix.
"Wow, she's amazing!" uttered the aqua unicorn. Remembering why she was originally there, she turned around to the door. It was finally time for Lyra to meet the other pony that she was going to be roommates with. The interruption that had been brought about by Vinyl Scratch had stopped her from knocking the door and actually meeting the owner of the house. The sea colored filly raised her hoof to the door and began rapping against the wood surface, after which she waited for a response from inside.
Nothing.
She knocked once again, but she was answered once again with nothing. She must not be home. Maybe if I come back later. That seemed to be the best course of action for now. Lyra turned around to leave while thinking of what she could do while she was waiting. I could go look for Twilight. But where could she be? I wonder if this place has a library... As she turned to leave, she viewed another mare walking in her direction. The tan colored filly with a blue and pink mane was just leaving a conversation with another pony. Lyra stared at the earth pony mare as she walked past her and directly to the previously empty house. It was the owner of the house, the one that Lyra now identified as a pony named Bon Bon. They had been sending letters back and fourth arrange for Lyra's move. They had never actually seen each other before. Lyra had thought that Bon Bon would have looked a little different, and finally seeing her in person was both strange and exciting.
"Hello?" she queried. Bon Bon jumped upon hearing this.
"What? Who are you? You really startled me." she responded.
"Sorry, but, you live here don't you? I'm Lyra, and I'm gonna be your roommate!"
Hi, I'm from the forum where you posted your fic on, so here I am! Let's get started right away!
You have a pretty interesting writting style, things go pretty fast, a little bit too fast at times, it keeps things fresh and makes the reader want to read further, it's easy to read and pleasant to the eye so you did a good job on that!
You also have a nice way of approaching scenes from the series itself, like when they're talking on the bridge and seeing Twilight running by or when Lyra went after Twilight, it was easy to imagine from her point of view.
There are some negatives however, the intro is a bit too sudden, what's going on? Later in the story it has been clarified where this is, we're at a scene from the very first episode when they stand on some bridge if I'm correct. This could be done a little bit sooner through describing the surroundings a bit, the reader can then form a better image in his head and get a general idea where we are. Also, if I remember correctly, there were 3 ponies instead of 2 when Lyra waved at Twilight?
The second point, Amethyst seems to be convinced a bit too fast, her best friend is leaving so suddenly and she seems to shrug it off and doesn't really care, a bit more emotion could be put into this scene.
Other than those 2 things, it's a nice start, and you said this was your first fic, and to be honest, I'm quite suprised, it was enjoyable to read and was of higher quality than expected, kudos! I'm certainly looking forward on your future works!
Oh and if you're wondering who I am, I go under the name of "Shadowmover" on the forum.
Thanks for replying. I suppose I'll edit the fight between Lyra and Amethyst to make it longer and more dramatic. At the time I was only thinking of trying to get past the scene to something that didn't put me down.
The part where Lyra waves, it's only those two. I checked the episode to get things accurate, and the three ponies are there before the Lyra wave, when Twilight is asked if she was going to Moondancer's party. You can go ahead and check too if you want.
Love your story so far it has promise but that docent mean anything till you get a rhythm down
its nice to see some background pony love. tracked.
Hmm... That's strange. It's too bright out for the stars to be coming out.... she though.
Thought.
But yes, interesting premise and since Lyra is heredl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra.png
yay!
background ponies FTW
Lyra used Lyre. It's super effective!
Repairs in progress... complete.
DERPY!!!!!! You not have my attenttion, I loved this, some of my favorite background poines including Lyra....I'll be awaiting more of this,
Hmm... proceed...
Wow... just wow, really I'm truly amazed with this! Giving another perspective from the original episodes with six of the most... erm... "mainstream" background ponies, you've got my fav
Wow I love this story!
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw9064-194.gif
A story set in canon, with the other 'Mane Six' as the prospect of the series? This is going to be a worthwhile read. Maybe when I'm done, I'll simply say it was a worthwhile read.
>>>"Awesome! You're pretty cool... um, what was your name?"
"Lyra Heartstrings.">>>
"Aww, duuuude. I'm so sorry," Vinyl lamented.
Taken aback, Lyra replied, "Pardon? What are you sorry for?"
Vinyl sighed and shook her head hopelessly, "You're gonna totally get cursed by Nightmare Moon at the celebration and everypony will forget you (except for this one cat, and that's never explained so it feels really weird) and you'll spend many lonely months trying to find these mysterious songs and get this mystical harp thing, and then you meet Discord and find out he's like, crazy God of Nothing or something cuz he's in love with an undead alicorn with serious abandonment issues whose mother is like the Creator, but a total slut who just drops her kids off in some random universe and then takes off, and then you finally get to the 10th and last of these mystery songs only to find out from Undead Alicorn Beeyatch in her miserable Land of the Lost Pony Souls that if you play it you'll be free but everything will be taken back in time for some reason (even though that would totally create some freaky temporal causation paradox, which means it can't actually happen because the existence of a paradox in a theory implies that the theory is fundamentally flawed, not that the paradox can occur, cuz someponies just don't understand quantum mechanics! I mean, duh!) and you'll forget everything and then Discord will destroy the universe forever because he's bucking insane and can't deal with grief or something like that. And then you'll give up everything because at that point you realize the author is going to trap you to a fate of lonely forgotten death no matter how contrived it ends up feeling and then you go up on a hill after a while and die alone."
Lyra blinked, her lower jaw hanging appropriately in shock, "A-and you arrived at this conclusion... how?"
Vinyl pointed to the early part of this post in a totally meta fashion, "Your answer was in green."
Lyra looked, and behold! It was true! "Well... I'm bucked, then." So she slit her wrists right then and there and died.
And then later Discord emerged and destroyed the entire universe.
The End!
2654370
Damn you >.<
Though rather interesting summary of that story.
Hello, Comettail here from the A for Effort group. If you don't mind I will give my opinion for the story.
The whole chapter thoughts: So we start with Lyra tumbling down a hill and meeting her friend. She apparently is moving and didn't let her know. They are sad, and I would of been Lyra in her position. You could of added just a tad more detail, but overall good start.
Next she meets Octavia in the train, and found it slightly humorous. A few chuckles escaped from me reading it. You portrayed Octavia really good, being slightly baffled at Lyra just saying she went to the Gifted Unicorns school without much interest. Her reaction reminded me of Rarity.
She meets Vinyl and you continue with some good characterization. Vinyl drops her stuff, they meet.
You certainly grabbed my interest, and now to the grading.
Spelling and Grammar 8 After reading it twice you seem to have a problem with extra words, and passive voice. I know passive voice is sometimes tough to find, but there is ways to fix it. After every verb you think leads to a passive voice, add the word by zombies to it. Example.
She was killed (By zombies) <------- Passive voice
Zombies killed (By zombies) her <---------- Active voice
Over all the grammar was good and you seem to have a good eye and a good editor. The grammar impressed me a lot. Good job.
Detailing and imagery 8 In 4000 words you detail just enough to see where she is. You do good on what is happening and what is important. You describe parts of the sky and stuff, just a little more would be better. I found it fair on details and imagery.
Plot, Pacing, Characters 10
Plot: It is a good plot, though the closest we know about it is the summary, but that isn't in a bad way.I heard stories where background ponies take over and such, but found this one original.
Pacing: It is paced nice because you give readers time to induce the scene they are given with, and not making us jump from left to right without reason.
Characters: Even though they are background ponies, and we know fairly little on them, you gave them a interesting premise.
Overall you have been Approved and by Friday you will see your story in its right folder.
I had this favorited for ages but have only just started reading it.
So Lyra made 4 human arms + hands to play the Lyre?
I had the image of Lucy from Elfin Lied playing a Lyre when I read that.
I stole you're 400th like
Well, ain't this an ancient one. Been cooking in my Read Later since the first week I made my account. Time to see what a decade-old story could offer.