I love writing and MLP. So....I think I'm in the right place.
Twilight's friends mean more to her than anything, and after gaining her new role as the Princess of Friendship, she's ready to tackle whatever lies ahead with them.
However, when Princess Celestia informs Twilight about a major, overlooked detail in Starswirl the Bearded's formerly unfinished spell, she is suddenly forced to do the absolute hardest thing she has ever done in her life...
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Hit this baby with the Tragic tag. It is the least you can do for the Tragic intolerant.
As for the story seeing as the spell targeted the other elements Spike should have been not targeted. Discord, Celestia, Luna, along with most of the town, and anyone she befriended in the show's timeline, would be targets in that case. Not to mention that Star Swirls curse is strong enough to overpower his superior.
While I won't upvote it, It is a good story despite my misgivings on the plot.
crying right now so upset for spike this totally changed my opinion on twilight and spike
An interesting premise but several potential solutions are conveniently overlooked. Everything from 'Dragons swim in lava. Fuck Starswirl's fireballs' to 'Discord can turn them into delicious pies' to 'Hide them in the Human Equestria and work out the counterspell'. Or since family is apparently excluded, adopt them all. And what about Celestia and Luna? They're bosom buddies. They should get a taste of Starswirl's balls too.
Also, numerous others should be bombarded.
Kind of heartbreaking in its way, a bit of noble self sacrifice when you know she could have told all her friends to go hide in a cave with the Tree of Harmony or something. Or inside the dungeons of the Castle of Two Sisters.
A sad, but interesting story. And one very well done.
I can't help but think that it's in-complete, though. (Although if you leave it here, that's fine; it's your story.)
What I mean is, there could be an third chapter with Spike telling the girls about Twilight's death and why she sacrificed herself for him (and them) and then Celestia telling them the truth about Starswirl's Curse; about why Twilight had to do what she did to them.
Then let them hate her for this.
And is it weird that I'm getting these same scenarios in my head right now?
5315440 I think so to. It fine the way it is but adding another chapter wolud put it all together
Why didn't she just go back in time and stop herself from reading the spell. Or Celestia from sending her the spell? Or Starswirl from making the spell? Or go back to Starswirl's birth and just change his name and send him to live else.
5315894 Thank you.
Yeah, it is, and yeah, it would.
But that's totally up to the writer, I'm afraid.
...ok...where to start.
The story idea was good, the drama and execution was great. And ultimately...it just failed.
It's incredibly hard for me to say this, but this failed so badly I can't even believe I'm typing these words. Breaking off her relations with the other Main 5...ok, I get that, story worked about up until that point...then she chokes when it comes to Spike. Alright, I'll give you that...and then Star Swirl's wrath comes in...and then everything falls apart.
Star Swirl's curse...was somehow strong enough to kill Twilight who at that time was going all out, though not so with all her friends beside her. Ok, yes, she wasn't using her full potential as she'd severed her links to her friends. That said...that's where this all falls apart and that leaving the story here will make it disappointing to too many viewers.
The way you write it has Celestia once again fucking up and underestimating what the Main 6 can do when united. As, from the looks of things, had Twilight had her friends together, her full potential would have been enough to break the curse, as she was Star Swirl's better. That said...as it stands, this is an unsatisfying ending in the extreme.
This needs an aftermath. This needs resolution.
Applejack and crew need to be gathered by Spike, who tells them what happened. They go to Celestia for better answers, but not before getting Twilight's body first. The whole thing has to be explained to them...and Celestia's folly must be shown completely. The ponies must all get their say, especially Spike. After this, Celestia CANNOT be allowed to rule any longer. First it was her own sister, then Discord and not doing anything until the 11th hour, THEN the changelings, followed shortly by Sombra 'being a test', and finally Twilight's Ascension which then lead to Tirek, the final being her greatest blunder up until now. All these high stakes gambits and with each new one, Celestia's plans or decisions get worse, whether she calls on Twilight or not. Each gets more dangerous, and finally...this is a throw beyond what can be tolerated.
She's had her time, Celestia must step down.
Gah!! Now I'm demanding crap...I apologies. I'll still leave what I wrote, but as you can see, even though I don't like it, this story has left an impact. I'll favorite it to keep track of it, but sadly I have to down-vote this. The ending just doesn't do it for me.
Best of luck, and sorry if I come off like an asshole.
I went back and put this on "Tracking". Just in case...y' know, you do decide to do as Isumo1489 suggested and make at least an epilogue (or something) to this.
5316993
5316879 Alright, I will write an epilogue, as I myself was not particularly satisfied with the ending, but still thought I had established the theme well enough to end it there. Also, it's funny how you should mention Celestia's level of incompetence, as it was the reason why I thought it was within the realm of possibility that she would cause a blunder this massive.
5314208 The curse had nothing to do with the Elements. It only applied to Twilight's dearest friends---the friends who should would be pretty hard-pressed to live without at this point, which would be the mane 5 and Spike (and also Cadence as well). That's why none of her other friends were targeted.
5316062 Twilight no longer has the ability to time-travel. The time-travel spell she used before only had a one-time use.
5317071
Thanks man, not gunna lie, it was hard for me to write what i did. You do have flair, technique, and not gunna lie, I was crying by part 2. That said, I think that final part would indeed bring this from disappointing to greatness.
5317071 Oh. Well, great job with the story anyways!
5317071 Thank you.
And you really did, but I (we) were just curious to see what would happen if the girls heard and responded to the explosion that killed Twilight, and found Spike hugging her body, then what they'd do once he told them what happened.
As to the blunders that she's made; yeah, she's made a few.
Hence why we both think she's incompetent, and should step down. (Maybe in Luna's favor.)
On another note, if Celestia thought that Twilight wouldn't be able to forgive her for all this, I can think of at least 5 mares and one baby dragon that most definitely won't!
And that's not including the rest of Twilight's family!
I had to give a thumbs down for you did not include a aftermath portion. You should have gone with three chapters with the last being a aftermath. It feels incomplete, not empty.
5317907 its gettkng An aftermath
Much better, indeed, THIS is the kind of confrontation that is needed for this piece! I look forward to the conflict, and the process of each of these characters wrestling with themselves on this. As it is, Celestia is finally broken, beyond any hope of returning to the same mindset that brought this about. I look forward to next chapter, and I do mean this...
Well Done.
First story I will start off with tomorrow. I got to see the new developments.
Took me four days but I came back to read it. I think that this is giving more closure to the reader. Worth an upvote.
The feelings I had reading this....I loved the story.
Unsatisfying. It doesn't feel like enough, especially considering how this story went to the effort of acknowledging how just useless Celestia is in the show and how the matter of someone eventually paying the price could really only be asked in terms of "when" and not "if." On the other hand, though, what else could be done? She's at once useless for anything else and too useful to waste on anything else. Not exploiting all that power for as much benefit to the general good as they can wring out of her would be criminal, no matter how anyone feels.
Still, putting her right there in Twilight's place and making her live Twilight's life in her place seems too much like a gift, even though it's probably more painful than anything else that could have been done to her. She just doesn't really deserve the chance to fill that hole, both in the negative and the positive sense.
But I suppose there's no way to deal with a situation like this adequately, which is really the whole point.
This is a great story and though I hope for a sequel somewhere down the line I can't help but feel that a sequel would take something away from the story. So yeah, the jury is still out on that...
Anyway, great job.
5531407 Oddly enough I agree with your statement. All of it.
5531545
What's odd about it?
Now that was an incredibly weak sentence.
5531675 Even though it feels underdone I am okay with it.
5531692
I meant "about agreeing with it," but that's still a good way to sum it up.
I'm kind of disappointed, can't really say why though. Still was worth an upvote.
5531699 That was how I read your comment and that was what I agreed with.
"I'm sorry Spike but I just couldn't drive you away from me in tears because I couldn't stand to make you sad. *dies*"
"I really should have thought that through a bit better."
(meanwhile in the afterlife)
Oh my God, why can't I like this again?!!!
Please tell me there's a sequel in the works. This set up is too good to waste. I mean can you imagine all the potential adventures and hijinks just from taking Celestia out of royal life?
5531689 I agree I think exile unless a threat arrises would be best
'By wrath of all Tartarus, by rain of blazing fire, may whomever succeed where I failed be subject to the loss of his dearest companions at the eve of the tenth moon since completion.'
Notice the bolded word up there now?
Twilight = her.
It seems to me the spell would not have affected her since she is not male right?
5317071 What about Discord? Couldn't he have stood up to the curse, I know Starswirl was powerful but I'm doubtful the curse could have effected Discord had he intervened.
I have to say this was a interesting read, however despite the interesting plot, the resolve was rather disappointing, not by its own merit but because of a over-looked detail. That detail of course being Spike. What I understand from how you described the curse is that family or ponies brought into the family by alternative means(such as Cadence marrying Shining Armor) are protected by the curse while the closest friends are the ones effected.
Now this made sense with Twilight's friends but Spike is a different case. Spike is more a part of her family then a close friend, your story even hints at Spike being more than a friend, so shouldn't Spike have been protected like Cadence was? In the story Twilight had no trouble breaking her relationship with her friends and stomaching their harsh words but when it came to Spike she could not bring herself to do it, that has to signal that Spike is more to her then a friend, and considering she hatched him and was there for him his whole life, she could easily have been seen as a mother or older sister to Spike making him as much family as Shining Armor.
This is ultimately where the ending falls apart, Twilight shouldn't have had to cut her ties with Spike nor should she had to die for him, it comes off as making her sacrifice pointless when a better solution was available. Now I understand you were exploring the concept of one of Celestia's mistakes having a ultimate consequence and her paying the price but I feel that could have still happened without Twilight having to die, sure the dark tone of the story would be lost but the resolution of the story would have been more satisfying.
Picture a ending where instead of Twilight's death being the final nail in the coffin it was instead the guilt of the close call she endured that caused her to give up the crown. Now picture that instead of replacing Twilight as her means of earning redemption, that she instead became a apprentice to Twilight and earn her right to the crown that way while also learning some techniques from Twilight that would help her be a better ruler.