Johnathan falls into the mlp story line during the Canterlot marriage episodes and continues with the mane six from there. (Gore tag is for large fight scenes other than that it should have very little to no gore.)
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 29th Oct, 2014
- offline last seen Saturday
runner15
someone with a pencil and a piece of paper
runner15
Joined 29th Oct, 2014 ·
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Interesting story.
When I first saw it, I was thinking (oh crap. It's another one of those dang human in equestria stories) but this honestly gave me a different feeling.
I enjoyed it, much better then most first stories and infinitely better then many human in eq stories.
Aside from that, there were some problems.
I'm only going to criticize you because I want to bring out your best.
There were some grammar errors and some lack of detail, as well as some interestingly confusing areas. But it was good, 6.5\10.
I'll be watching!
You are WAY too descriptive, but the idea is okay (grossly overdone but okay). Stop describing every detail and let the reader use their imagination because this was just much too boring to read. I'd give it 2.5 stars.
Okay I have got a couple things to say. First thank you for the three up-votes in the first day of viewing for this story. Second, it might take me a while to come out with the second chapter but I will work as hard as I can on it until the the next chapter is uploaded. Third, I will be making a jump back in time to when all of this began so ... stay tuned. I will also try to lighten the mood in that chapter with a little comedy. Until then, see you later.
Well this shows some promise, definetly needs a lot of work though if you want to stand up to all the other HiE's, there were quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes, awkward sentances and so on so I suggest that you get an editor/pre-reader ASAP. On another not I find this chapter to be of an apropriate length for a prologue (I mean the prologues to some of my favourite books barely last a page) but future chapters will need to be of a length truly deserving of the title Chaper, so at least a couple pages worth.
Looking forward to future chapters.
Allstar
Second Chapter is here. Hope you enjoy.
he had touched his chest.
No questioning why he was falling from the sky? Guess it just slipped his mind.
didn't look too threatening
My only complaint about this chapter is that it was criminally short, otherwise good story so far keep it up.