Here I'll stay, right by your side
"What do ya mean you're never comin' home?"
Disbelief. Cold. Glass shattering numbness. The kind of shock that grabs your heart with the furious grasp of a menacing tiger and punches it with the strength that hours at the gym couldn't provide. The kind of emotion that makes you sick to your stomach. All wrapped in a dilemna and tied with a pretty ribbon of defeat. That was the kind of sickness that crept its way into her eyes, leaving hot liquid bubbling at her tearducts and blotting her vision. That was the sickness that snaked down her throaught leaving it tight and hard to breathe. The sickness that continued its way into her heart and wrapped itself around it, tightening like a cobra.
"A-a-Applejack? You-y-you're kidding, r-r-right?" Applebloom could sense the worst answer that her big sisters muzzle could ever utter creeping up behind her, ready to pounce. Her sunset pools of eyes scarred their way into the green gems of Applejack's, locking gazes with the mare. "Sis? Sis?" AppleBloom felt like screaming, as the seconds waiting pain-stakingly for an answer dragged by at the pace of eons. Finally the bedridden Applejack opened her mouth to speak.
"I'm sorry AppleBloom. But the cancer is spreading. I can't do farmwork, and before I know it it'll take me completely. I don't want you, Mac, n' Granny to have to see me circle the drain." Applejack sighed almost shamefully as she turned her head to the opposite side of the hospital room. It seemed like too much even then to face her little sis. Applebloom just sat there, numbness overtaking the war of all the other emotions and captivating her in an almost lifeless thought trail. When neither of them spoke, the silence became deafening.
Beep. Beep.
Rang the steady heart monitor.
Tick. Tick.
Complained the clock.
Throb. Throb.
AppleBloom's heart cascaded to the very depths of her soul. She inhaled to say something, but her words lodged in her throat. She only watched, the numbness continuing to overtake her as she saw her sister face back in her direction as if the right words had formed in her mind.
"Applebloom... you'll be fine without me. You're a strong, fine young filly with the wits and passion needed to run a farm one day. I have complete faith that you can step into the horseshoes I'll... leave." A wave of tiredness washed over Applejack, causing her to lower her head back onto her pillow and be grasped by the urge to sleep. This urge soon came to her and tugged her into the desired dreamland.
Applebloom wanted to just stay there. Emotionless. Forever. But finally, she snapped to and felt hot liquid running through the fur on both sides of her face. She looked down and noticed the worn tile floor blotched with salty wet tears. Applebloom sniffed and raised a hoof to her eye, rubbing it slowly. She gazed out the gorgeous view through the window and saw the sun setting slowly. She glanced back to the slumbering Applejack, sighing at the rise and fall of her chest. She decided something then and there- if AJ only had so much time left...
She would be there for every second of it.
Applebloom straightened up, quivering as she walked around the hospital four post bed and across the green, oh too soft rug to the bedside table. She carefully dipped her head down and grabbed a lovely brass comb in her teeth, moving it to her hoof and begining to quietly brush Applejacks frazzled golden mane. As she did this, the movement of the comb comforting both ponies, she remembered something. Something special to her- The old song that Applejack would sing to her when she got upset or scared. And so, with a deep, shuddering breath, Applebloom began to sing.
See the lovely birch in the meadow, curly leaves all dance when the winds blow, looleeloo the winds blow, looleeloo in the meadow.
When I play my new balalika, I will sing of you my lovely birch tree, looleeloo, the winds blow, looleeloo, in the meadow.
Even as the heart monitor drew blank, Applebloom continued to brush her sisters hair.
"I'll never let ya' go big sis."
"Never."
------------------------------
The song sunk into the mares soul, gently coaxing it away from her body. And she followed it, feeling herself lift from her damaged body, light as a feather as the music carried her like the wind carries a leaf. It curled its way into her heart, making her want to sing along as she raced up towards the stars, her eyes full of hope as she glided to the world where the departed reside. She felt like she was flying, and oh what a glorious feeling it was as that song lifted her higher, higher, ever higher into the clear night sky. She took a last glance down, seeing the farm she loved and knowing that the sister she loved could protect it. She had faith in AppleBloom. She smiled as she lingered a moment. Her sister could do anything she wanted, be everything she had been and more. Heck, she might be the future bearer of honesty! She began to drift away, pulled by the song. "I love ya Applebloom. And I know you won't let me down." And with that, she reared up and galloped into her new home.
"AppleBloom?" The filly was jerked to by a purple alicorns voice. How long had she been here? She gazed out the window and saw the rising sun. All night, as was apparent. Twilight's magenta eyes locked with Applebloom's. "I'm sorry... but shes gone." Applebloom gazed at her sisters lifeless form. Lifeless, but peaceful. And she couldn't stop smiling.
"I know... I know."
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Felt a bit too rushed, and could benefit from some editing. I like the concept though. Normally, all the stories I read have the younger sibling being the dying one. It's nice seeing something else for a change.
5178791
Thank you good sir/ma'am!
Took me about 30 minutes to write this XD
And I agree that its a bit rushed.
I dislike it when the younger dies first as well. It seems... unfinished.
I'll use your advice in future works!
5178806 30 minutes? Not bad at all. I like the ending; it's sort of bittersweet.
5178814
Thankies! ;3
Yeah, that ending told me AppleBloom would be alright in a way.
As I say, I've taken the pen away and its up to her now ;D
The first large chunk was all I had problems with writing wise.
Throat I spotted that mistake.
As for the cobra wrapping detail I think describing it felt like perhaps a Boa etc would have worked better but that is just nitpicking cobra works just as well.
Other wise Writing is excellent as always you brought your flavor to another fic., That is good and glad to see you are pushing yourself to something else.
Ok so Writing- 4/5
Style- 5/5
Now that I've given my view on style etc., shall we talk story?
As far as story and plot goes.- I feel it is a bit rushed....
AJ is Dying and bed ridden - you throw us into that for just story purposes I guess.
How did this happen?
When did it start affecting her.
How did it take away from what made her well her.
None of this is explained well not in true detail anyway and what we get is a goodbye with no real build up so it doesn't really make us feel like we lost something.
Not saying this is a Bad fic not at all it could be, a story that would blow us all away!!-
We just need a story rather then just a scene., if you continue this and show us the build up, the drama etc this opening scene could be a masterpiece in showing us the end of a story then filling in the begining.
You've seen those movies where it starts at the end we know the character is dying or defeated but it shows us why, and at the end of the begining we piece it all together and feel for the character.
If this is indeed just a One shot... Then I feel robbed a bit it is a scene stripped of its tale and given to us so we will feel kinda sad or maybe a little sad but nothing more behind it.
I hope this is not the case.
Writing- 4/5
Style- 5/5
Plot- 3/5- if continued and will prob rise. or 1.5 to 2/5 if a one shot.
Story- 3/5 might rise again if continued or 2/5 if a one shot.
I soooo hope you don't think I'm lashing out against you or anything.
I'm your biggest fan.
But you said it yourself you felt something might be missing here.
Yes it is- The Muse.
I say tighten down and give us a story that I know is here and will be great.
If continued I see great things in the future for this.
Main reason I'm giving a bare bones review here is that you sound like you don't want to continue this maybe just posted for the sake of posting?
Lol I think I'm just looking too deep into this.
Continue with this and the praise will come.
Need help with it in the future I'm always open to brainstorm etc or give my two cents as well.
Like The White Room- you have a explosive idea here just look deeper. maybe take this on as a large project.
Now I'm just prattling on.
Ahem overall review!!!
Five Crying Appleblooms out of 10
( Come Little Pony You'll Like Being Dead.)
( That's What They Said About Being Alive!!! )
5178927
Thanks so much!
I will continue this, I do enjoy writing about the apples.
Of course I don't feel like you're lashing out on me! I didn't really post this for the sake of popularity, more because
"Hey, I wrote this."
Anyway, I agree it was lacking and as always am very happy with your review
Wow just read you wrote this in 30 minutes???
that is excellent in itself very nice job, you have a gift for writing.
Glad you will continue I'll keep it in my gaze for the future.
On a side note I also thumbs up'd...Thumbs up't?
Errr... High Hoofed you.
Yeah That sounds right.
Love this story I would love to be your number one friend
please
5178973
XD
Thanks!
*Hoofbump*
5178975
Hi!
I'd like to get to know you, thanks for your praise!
Oh man... This story... It hits me right in the feels.
I personally have had an experience wiht brain cancer, because one of my best friends had it, and it's... Shattering, to say the least. So... Let's just say I'm happy someone can accurately describe my pain.
Okay, very simple thing, all it would take is a find/replace to fix. Apple Bloom. That is her name. It's a common mistake, after all, her sister is Applejack, so Applebloom just seems right. It's not.
5179092
Aww, I'm so sorry :(
I'm happy that I at least wrote something that helped, even if only a little.
5179151
Sorry!
Now that I think about it, it does make sense.
Thanks for pointing it out!
5179160 No problem.
I thought long and hard about what to comment (as I like to comment on all stories I read), but I really can't come up with anything to add to this. I'm touched.
And, like Wafflez, I too have had an all too terrible experience with brain cancer, and this really hits home with me.
Truely only one other story has touched me in a way like this, that being a story I read a long time ago on this site about Winona's last weeks (I have forgotten the name, but if you do find it, it is a very good read).
Well, now I'm sappy, aren't I?
5180130
I'm so sorry!
I know it sounds sappy, but I'm here for you, ok?
I'm glad my fiction touched you!
hum not really sure it is a bit rushed but I am confused as to the uncompleted tag this reads more like a one shot. or is there a plan going on here????
5182241
I have a plan indeed... :3
I will keep a eye on this story then and see ware it goes.
5182323
Many thanks
5214298
I may continue it at some future point, going back in the past and showing aj circling the drain.
I liked it
The Feels.
No, just cause AJ died, i am not going to do it...
Im not gonna do it...
APPLEJACK, COME BACK
I hope Granny takes it well
Thank you for writing this. I lost my dad to brain cancer almost eight years ago, and watching it take him oh so slowly was difficult to watch. This story was beautifully written and you've done an amazing job.