This is a short story i wrote as an assignment for English. i don't know why, but i did. Hope you have a good read, and if you find anything wrong with it, just stab it in the comments below.
Thanks,
Countpony
p.s.
Art made by http://purplefairy456.deviantart.com/
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A little rushed towards the end in my opinion, but all in all I like the concept. That one scene towards the end reminded me of the movie Watchmen when they tell the story of Dr. Manhattan.
Like grazehunter said, the story is too rushed and needs more depth. Great story anyways
This is interesting and has potential. But it is very rushed (and the ending is just... stupid, to be honest; not that its bad, but it could've been better). Some parts of the story don't quite fit together; I suggest you asking for an editor on this site.
The text is completely devoid of any emotion (save for some dialogs) and descriptions.
If you were to work on this, I'm sure it would grow into something extraordinary.
Hmmm, this is interesting.
The vocabulary used in the dialogue is inconsistent. With those giant words (for a couple conversing at least) their vocab makes me think they both must have ultra high IQs or something, then they go and use simple sentences. It's just... weird. I also echo the other four comments in saying this was rushed. If this is an English paper, it needs revision.
It's rushed.... and you need to use paragraphs, man. Other than that, it's... okay.
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Yes it is rushed. No I will not be doing anything to it. Yes the vocab is inconstant, it was for a vocab assignment and I was to lazy to take the words out afterwards. Sorry to those who wanted it to get better.
So Crystal's father is a biology researcher? Nice.
Of course they'd capture an innocent Cuteling.
Cya
Raziel-chan