The Game (Pt. 3)
How beautiful our kingdom has become.
Princess Luna soared among the clouds, far above the city of Canterlot. The mountain was almost invisible in the darkness, but the twinkling lights below easily marked out the urban sprawl clinging to the mountainside. Between the sparkles below and the stars above, lost in endless comforting darkness, she felt right at home.
The night was warm - lacking in any real bite from the wind - and thus Luna immediately twigged to the soft burning sensation touching the tips of her ears. Nopony really knew what caused this occasional yet random occurrence, but a fairly common explanation based more on superstition than anything else had it that it was a sign of somepony talking about you from far away.
Luna remembered this story from long ago, from the time of her first rule, and she smiled. Folding her wings, she dipped below the cloud-line, wondering who might possibly be discussing her and what lovely things they could be saying.
Rarity couldn’t hear anything above the laughter. Most of it was coming from Rainbow Dash across the table, but Pinkie Pie to her left was certainly pitching in an admirable quantity herself. Either side of the unicorn, Twilight and Applejack were not laughing. In fact Rarity got the strange sensation of feeling like she was sandwiched inside an oven, so potent was the blushing embarrassment radiating from both of them and permeating her personal space. Not to mention Fluttershy, who had once again emigrated from her seat to seek refuge on the floor below.
Rarity didn’t know where to look, so she settled downwards on the rest of her cards. Besides them, the upturned card she had first read out for the round. It had been Rainbow Dash’s card, and boy had she made good on her threat from before.
“What helps Princess Luna unwind?”
‘Big Mac’s big surprise’
Rarity was a lady first and foremost, but she had taken the game’s first few rounds in good spirit, playing along to the...unique humour. Sure it was slightly undignified, but she had cried, tantrumed, lost all reason and much more among her close friends, and they hadn’t thought any less of her then. So what was a bit of playful teasing behind closed doors after all?
But a mare of her insight could not fail to notice now that a line had been crossed. The game had become decisively personal.
“Ah can’t believe you’d do that!”
“Looking a little sweaty there AJ. You feeling alright?” Rainbow managed to get out between salvos of howling laughter.
Twilight rounded on her friend as Applejack pulled her hat over her face for a second time that evening. “Don’t you think that was a little much?”
“You’re in the same boat ya know.” Pinkie playfully nudged Twilight’s side.
“I am not!”
“Dears, I...that’s enough Rainbow. Help Fluttershy back up to the table if you would be so kind. I think we’re all letting the game get to our heads a little bit.” Rarity looked at each of her friends as she talked, hoping her natal smile would calm things down. “As I said, don’t be too silly. It’s quite easy to get carried away.”
Rainbow silently scoffed as she practically dragged Fluttershy upwards, miffed at the usual suspect playing party-pooper. Still, she was fairly confident no-one had a better card than that.
“Now then, I shall continue.” More than anything, Rarity didn’t want ‘Big Mac’s big surprise’ constantly in the bottom corner of her vision. “What helps Luna unwind...’a sassy zebra’”.
“I don’t get it,” Pinkie said, after a decisive few seconds of not-laughing from anyone.
“Me neither, though Rainbow’s card would be a tough act to follow I guess…” Twilight dredged the last of her pineapple juice.
“I’m telling you, no-one’s gonna beat me! That awesome point is alllll mine,” Rainbow said, kicking back in her seat while Applejack silently fumed.
“Perhaps not Rainbow. After all…” Rarity flipped the next white card in her collection. “What else helps Luna unwind? Um...oh….oh my...uh....’daddy issues'".
“Pssshhhhh!” Pinkie snorted juice through her nose, having picked an unfortunate time to finish her own drink.
“Now that one definitely doesn't make sense,” Twilight said. “There’s never been any record of the Princesses’ parentage, and they haven’t mentioned anything to me about it, or to anypony for that matter.”
“Who said it had to be her dad?” Rainbow quipped.
“AHEM!” Rarity effectively brought all attention back onto her. “Next...what helps Luna unwind...um…” She looked a little more closely at the fourth white card. “‘Hosting a libricide party for Twilight Sparkle.’”
Quite to the others’ surprise, Fluttershy immediately kicked off with light yet adorable chuckles.
“Huh? What’s it mean? What’s it mean!?” Pinkie asked, bouncing up and down in her seat. Next to her, Twilight had turned a quite unfetching tint of pale.
“It’s...ahm...umm…” The more Rarity thought about it, the harder it was to prevent laughing herself. “It means an event where you’d...burn books, rather obvious why Twilight’s name has been chosen there.”
“Yeah yeah, thanks Mrs Dictionary,” Rainbow said, flicking a casual hoof.
“Umm...I knew that too…” Fluttershy said faintly.
Rarity patted her haunted alicorn friend on the back and ignored Dash’s comment, before turning her attention to the last white card. “Lastly, what helps Princess Luna unwind?” It turned over in her hooves. “‘Inappropriate laughing at Derpy.’”
“Oh come on!” Rainbow said straight away. “She doesn't deserve that!”
“Wait, who?” Twilight asked, confused.
“You know, Ditzy Doo. She accidentally wrecked the town hall half a year ago.”
“Oh! Of course I know Ditzy! Who the heck calls her ‘Derpy’? That’s a strange nickname.”
“It does sound kinda...offensive,” Fluttershy chipped in.
“She told me she’s fine with it so...whatever.” Rainbow shrugged. “Anyway, I believe it’s time for my awesome point?”
Rarity raised an eyebrow. “How can you be so sure? I most certainly didn’t laugh at Big Ma-...ahm...your card.” Applejack’s piercing and sudden glare had been enough to cease her first trail of thought.
“What!? I saw your face! You were basically dying not to laugh!”
“Well, not everyone has yer sense of humour Dash,” Applejack said, eager to gain some valuable ground back. “Some of us have minds out of the gutter.”
“In truth, I thought the libricide card was quite clever...oh umm...no offense dear.” Rarity changed tact, noticing Twilight’s look like she was about to throw something at her. She took one last glance at the round of cards.
“So…?” Rainbow leant forward.
There was no escaping it. The round had clearly been won from the very start.
“Fine...fine. You win,” Rarity conceded, sliding the black card over. Applejack shot her a look of pure betrayal. “I apologize, but I suppose in...certain moods, one would find that fairly amusing.”
“Aww yeah!” Rainbow launched upwards in celebration, expertly stopping herself before her head crashed into the ceiling. Pinkie hoof-bumped her in congratulation on the way down. “It was only a matter of time.”
“So that’s one point to Dashie, one point to me, and four points for Fluttershy!” Pinkie said, beaming. “You rock!”
“Oh...umm...thanks?” Fluttershy squeaked, clearly unsure whether to be flattered or deeply disturbed.
“We are never speaking about this game to anypony. Anypony.” Twilight bashed her hoof down on top of her pile of cards. “Not our families, not our friends, no-one. The Princesses can not find out about this.”
“Didn’t you say that last week about that transboggriddistation spell you were working on?” Pinkie said.
"Transmogrification...and yeah but...this is different.”
“Trans...whut now?” Applejack enquired, eyebrow raised.
“Oh umm...nothing! Soo...are we crowning Fluttershy the winner then?”
“After one circle!? No way! We’ve barely seen any of the black cards!” Pinkie crowed.
“She’s right. This is way too much fun to stop now!” Rainbow said, clearly believing momentum was with her now.
“It’s a strange game but, we haven’t had fun like this in a long while...and I wouldn’t like to win without letting one of you catch up.” Fluttershy smiled, shooing her fringe away to the side.
“I’m still in if you girls are,” Rarity said.
Twilight looked at Applejack, who sighed. “Yeah yeah...count me in still ah guess. But you’re on very thin ice missy.” She pointed a menacing hoof at Rainbow.
“I swear, I don’t have any more cards of Big Mac!”
Twilight looked at the game box. Afraid as she was that the consequences of today would come back to bite her somehow, truth be told she hadn’t laughed like she had tonight in a long long time. Maybe just one more go around the table…
"Okay then,” she said, levitating a brand new black card out of the box into her grasp. “What do we have here-” Her eyes instantly narrowed as she read an all-too familiar name in the text.
“What is it?” Fluttershy asked.
“Remember what I said about the order of these cards? Well, listen to this. ‘What is Twilight Sparkle’s guilty pleasure?’ I mean there’s simple coincidence and then there’s th-” Twilight looked up. All five of her friends had re-stocked and were now looking for answers. “Hey!”
“What’s so bad about that?” Pinkie asked, eyes not leaving her cards.
“Everything! Just because I said it aloud doesn’t mean I wanted it for this round!” Twilight’s brain frantically thought of an escape route. “Look, can I just switch to another one-”
“Too late!” the pink pony said, prodding Twilight’s nose with her chosen white card gripped in her mouth.
“B-but-”
“Excuse me Princess, but you’re holding up the round.” Rainbow motioned towards the four white cards placed on her side of the table.
Out of ideas, Twilight brought together all five cards as if they were made of plague tissue. On the bright side, maybe the conspicuous order of the deck had led to all the creepy examples already being played. After all - like Pinkie had said - they had barely scratched the surface in terms of actual cards played. By her own quick calculations, there was enough volume here for at least another twenty loops around the table. But, on the other side...
“What is...uhh...my guilty pleasure…” Twilight read, trying not to fear the worst. She turned the first card over. “‘Bad dragons.’
Twilight couldn’t tell who had blushed first, herself or Rarity. Either way, Applejack and - unsurprisingly - Rainbow were both giggling like school-fillies.
“Maybe you shouldn’t tell Spike about this either,” Fluttershy said. She wasn’t laughing, but something lurked behind her wobbling expression.
“I wasn’t going to!” Twilight yelled.
Rarity coughed and brought out the fan again. “He is far too young anyway. I should imagine most of the humour would go over his head.”
“If only I were so lucky,” Twilight said, pushing that card away to make space for the next one. She tried to make her voice as deadpan as possible.“What’s my guilty pleasure? Star Swirl’s luscious beard.’”
Applejack chuckled. “Now that is a partial truth and a half. I’ve heard you yammerin’ on about that pony an’ his beard more than a couple times.”
“He was the most gifted spellcaster of his time! Of course I’d take an interest.” Twilight folded her hooves. Despite her friend’s teasing, she had to admit, the card held some legitimacy. Nopony before or since had shown off such spectacular facial hair.
“See? They’re not all bad answers,” Rainbow said.
“I guess so.” Twilight flipped the third card. “What’s my guilty pleasure? “‘Being fabulous.’”
This time, five pairs of eyes swivelled to examine the rather obviously amused Rarity; the fan she held doing a poor job of covering up her tiny bouts of laughter.
“What? Was it that obvious? I couldn’t resist,” she said.
“What’s my guilty pleasure?” Twilight continued. “‘A gender-swapped clone.’”
“Haha, been takin’ trips to the mirror pool again?” Applejack smirked.
Twilight vigorously shook her head as Pinkie slanted forward. “Oooh, can you imagine if that had happened to me that time? There’d have been a bunch of guy Pinkie Pie’s running around! Ca-razy!”
Everypony in the room apart from Pinkie shivered. Truly it was a horrifying thought.
“You know, thinking about it, how cool would it be to meet a male version of yourself? There’d be so much to talk about!” Twilight pondered aloud.
“Would we even have the same names…?” Fluttershy said.
“Nyeh, I doubt it. Mine would probably be called...err...Dusk Sparkle or Shine or something.”
“Not for my clone. Rainbow Dash is way too cool of a name to just change!” the pegasus said, puffing out her chest.
“Anyway…” Twilight spun the final card around. “What’s my guilty pleas-”
Rarity twigged instantly to the hesitation. “Uh oh, another naughty one?”
Only one word was stamped onto that card. Twilight knew with sickening dread what it meant. Her only hope now was that her friends didn’t.
“It’s umm...ahm, ‘princest’”.
They did. Rainbow tipped back so hard from laughing and kicking off the table that her chair crashed backwards onto the floor. Both Applejack and Pinkie Pie snorted deliriously into their hooves. Only Fluttershy seemed naive, concerned at the chaos around her.
“I think I will get some of that wine after all…” Rarity said, once again leaving the table and sniggering all the way to the kitchen.
“You guys are unbelievable. Unbelievable!” To try and do something, anything except dwell on what had just happened, Twilight draw a white card.
“If it makes you feel any better, I have no idea what it means,” Fluttershy said.
“It doesn’t really, but thanks anyway-” Twilight glanced down at her new card. Almost at once, she noticed something strange. “Hey Pinkie, you know that ‘Doctor Disco?’”
Pinkie just about managed to control herself before answering. “Ya huh?”
His first name was definitely spelt D-O-C-T-O-R right?”
“Yessum!”
“So why is it only spelt D-R like a title here?”
Twilight pushed her card forward so the others could get a better look. And then the second after she let go of the card, the greatly trained literature minded part of her brain saw that most beautiful of language tricks: the anagram.
“Oh no…”
One simple casted spell from her horn confirmed it. The D and R magically leapt from one side of the print to the other - swapping places en route - and settled to spell out one particular word.
DISCORD
Fluttershy’s jaw dropped. Pinkie gasped so loudly that the noise would’ve bothered Twilight to some degree, were it not for the maelstrom of emotions currently bubbling inside her. Of course...of course...how had they not seen it? This game had his hallmarks all over it!
Twilight looked over to Applejack, hoping the placid earth pony would say something to calm her down before she did something impulsive, only to see her staring slack-jawed at what could only have been the newest white card she’d taken in her hooves. Her eyes glazed over, and the card suddenly dropped from her grasp, settling near the centre of the table where Twilight could easily read it.
Dressing up as Applejack’s undead parents for Nightmare Night
Not terribly far away at the summit of a grassy hilltop, the silence of the evening shattered to the sound of uncontrollable laughter.
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! HEE HEE AHO HO HO! THAT’S…THAT’S…AHEHEHEHEAHAHAHA!”
Angel looked up at the draconequus embroiled in mirth, considerably taken aback. A flock of birds nearby scattered in the night, similarly disturbed.
“Oh don’t...pfft hahahahahaaa! Don’t stare at me like that. Here, aheheheh...take a look for yourself.”
Discord threw a bunny-sized pair of binoculars for Angel to catch. He looked through them in the same direction Discord had been aiming his own telescope, and caught sight of a very distraught Applejack fleeing from the direction of the Boutique, with Fluttershy in hot pursuit.
“You see, my sweet Angel? My new product line is a complete success! With results like that, who knows how much chaos a complete rollout could bring!? One box in every home! Oh! And imagine…” Discord spread his mismatched arms wide to the night sky. “Imagine if there was alcohol involved while playing...oh the possibilities are just...too hilarious to believe! Psssshhaaahaaahaaa!”
Angel let the binos fall as Discord once again completely lost himself to uncontrollable laughter; an act of remarkably good timing as the area in front of him suddenly burst with shining light.
“DIIIIISSSSSSCCCCOOOOORRRRRDDDDD!”
The very temperature of the area rose by five degrees as Twilight’s scream punctured the eardrums of every creature still in the local vicinity. At least, it sure as hay sounded like Twilight. What Angel saw more closely resembled what a pony would look like after a flaming daredevil act gone horribly wrong, complete with burning mane.
“Well now, this is a completely unexpected surprise!” Discord said, now sporting a swagalicious pair of sunglasses. “Can we innocent bystanders help you with something?”
“You. Are. Mincemeat!”
“Well that sounds jolly interesting, but I have to iron my uh...my lamp. Can I take a raincheck?”
Twilight bellowed an animalistic roar and charged in a haze of rage, only for Discord to vanish in a puff of smoke at the last second, leaving behind only his footsteps in the dirt and a faint echo of laughter that reverberated throughout the night.
Not wanting to stick around for fear of his life, Angel quickly scarpered off the hill back in the direction of Fluttershy’s cottage. His unfinished carrot lay dropped behind in the muddy earth.
"It is good to see you arrive safely Princess Twilight. Welcome,” Princess Celestia said, glimmering with joy.
“Thank you Princess,” Twilight replied, approaching her once mentor in Canterlot’s castle courtyard. They hugged, not caring for their audience of half a dozen guard ponies.
“You said you had to talk about something urgent. Is everypony alright?” Celestia asked, her smile gracefully dropping to a look of mild concern.
“Oh yes...mostly…”
“Does this have anything to do with your trip to the gates of Tartarus yesterday?”
Twilight looked shocked. “You know about that?”
“I have my sources…” Celestia smiled mischievously.
“Oh, well...I just had to dispose of a certain item, where I could be sure no-pony would find it again.”
Celestia thought for a moment, and lit up her horn. With a puff, the day’s copy of the Canterlot Press newspaper appeared in front of Twilight.
“It wouldn't happen to be something to do with this, would it?”
Twilight scanned the headline, and felt her skeleton turn to rubble with each passing word.
LATEST PARTY GAME TO HIT EQUESTRIA IS A HUGE HIT
“From Manehatten to Trottingdale, “Cards Against Equiniti” is the latest must-have tabletop game that has neighbourhoods everywhere clamouring for copies. From a starting rollout of just fifty thousand game boxes yesterday, stores everywhere found themselves sold out within hours, leaving many would-be customers turn away disappointed. The exact reason behind the game’s huge popularity is unclear at this time, but the game’s creator has promised that more copies are on the way, stating in a letter that he would love to see a “copy in every home”. We asked a shop clerk in Canterlot what he thought of the phenomenon…”
Twilight couldn't bear to read anymore. She looked up, and stared straight into Celestia’s eyes.
"What is it Twilight? Is there something I should know about this game?"
“Well...do you want the bad news, or the really bad news…?”
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The reception this fic has generated has been mind-blowing, to say the least. Once again, thanks to everyone. It was just a concept I wanted to see written half-decently, and I guess I accomplished that. ^^
Cookies to you if you spotted the references including but not limited to:
Kerbal Space Program
Devil May Cry
Fluffle Puff
Legend of Zelda cartoon
Cheeseburger in Paradise
The Living Tombstone
SHED.MOV
YOLO
Rule 63 fics
Mac Shipping
Apologies if there's the odd mistake in this part at the moment. I'll have time to properly comb through it tomorrow.
No, not the end! Oh well, it was fun.
What, no card for 'TWilight's sex dungeon'?
5254100
Mind pointing out the KSP reference?
Do I get bonus points for predicting Discord? I feel like I should at least get a cookie.
5254100 Great story, sad to see it end. Had me laughing the whole way.
I laughed.
draconequus
Let me say a few things about this last chapter.
I thought the writing of Luna's scene was really good. Her happy thought at the end being completely subverted in actuality made me laugh.
A lot of the character issues that I pointed out in other chapters seem to have been cleared up. Rarity seemed spot-on, and I didn't find any of the Mane Six noticeably OOC. There were a couple of lines that were questionable, but they didn't really bother me. So, well done on that part.
This chapter is probably your best, though I'd still rather play the actual game than read about people playing it. While the idea itself is novel and interesting, I think there's a reason that nobody else had written it: it doesn't transfer to text very well. Not that your writing is bad by any means, but the fact remains that I didn't really find the gameplay all that funny. I know I'm a minority in this regard, but that's just my two cents.
And yes, I know that enjoyment of both this fic and the game rely heavily on "shock humor," where something is said that is completely inappropriate in every way yet still funny. To tell you the truth, I've only seen this done well in first-person stories, where the narrator says something so vulgar/disgusting/dark in a completely serious tone that I can't help but to laugh.
For the record, I am neither going to upvote nor downvote this. I'm just going to move on. I've said my piece in previous comments, and it's obvious that I don't enjoy this fic as much as everyone else.
Best of luck in all your future stories.
Eh. Sparkle Shine would be a ridiculous name for a pony anyway.
whisper whisper
...what? No, that'd be even more ridiculous.
Lost it already.
5254148
'Mystery Goo' right at the beginning.
5254135
I guess not. Sorry.
5254172
Ah, I see.
NOOOOOO!!! HOW COULD THIS MASTERPIECE BE OVER!!! WHYYYYY!?!?
This seriously needs to keep going.
You could do different players. The princesses. Big Mac and some other stallions. etc.
I thought of a good (somewhat) sequel. SuperFight!
someone should actually make a pony cards against humanity.
5254166
I am a big fan of long, thought-out comments, so thank YOU!
True, the concept itself was never going to translate ideally, but it kept ya reading to the end, so I'll take whatever I can from that.
Well damn. There definitely needs to be a sequel.
There's about twenty plus fics about that, each awesome, and also loved this chapter!
5254200
I believe so, which meant leaving out a bigger blacker dick. Sorry to everyone expecting see that. I know a lot of you were practically gagging for it.
5244872
And that one particular white card could still have been used.
I Think Copping a feel would've been a good one
5254184 if you type "cards against equestria" into google you will find the online game able to be played at once.
Personally I find this fic to be a wasted opportunity. Instead of actually making your own creative white cards and black cards you took the lazy approach and relied on meta humor instead of something that would actually make sense to have in-universe and no, I don't care if Discord was the one who started it, it doesn't excuse the fact that in my mind at least, this was a terrible waste.
OOO! I love that place. Glad to see Equestria has one to.
Whoa. No. Uncalled for Discord, that last card went over the line of funny to You Need A Magical Beatdown.
You really need to do a sequel to this. It was amazing.
5254222 A sequel is needed! Vinyl, Cloudchaser, Octavia, Roseluck, Minuette, and Berry Punch all play. It would be perfect, and all the maturity could be used! >:D
Not gonna lie. This was a pretty pointless story. Nothing really happened, nor was anything gained from it.
This is one, though, that I'm not gonna give a shit about. Because I laughed really hard at it, so fuck all, it was enjoyable to read. Nice job! This is definitely something that can be expanded upon, using other characters and more unique cards.
Well... I know what I'm keeping in mind for the next game I play.
As much as I want to forget that ever existed, I just had to.
...it's over already?
Great
After this, I'm partially afraid to see them take on the game that ends friendships: Monopoly.
I would love to see a sequel with Cadence and Shining Armor. Possibly with Luna and Tia.
Goddammit, why do you haunt me.
5254419
Beat me to it...
Oh well, as long as the reference is made, I'm happy!
As much as I loved this silly, silly romp, I'm glad it's come to a close. I don't think I've ever seen a story stay in the feature box for so damn long. What's it been, at least 9 days now? I feel it's wearing out its welcome.
But it really was great while it lasted.
You're an evil, truly despicable bastard.
....never change.
This is so utterly and perfectly true to CAH. I want you to retroactively be included in the writers of the pony set.
Always considered the game to be pure evil in a box
other reference packs?
more please
Now I really want to go play CAH again. Guess I'll have to settle for Pretend your Xyzzx, but its always more fun with friends. That being said, good fic!
needs beginning " marks.
____________
Noooooooooo! I can't believe it's over. Please tell me we get a Princess addition? I want to see the 4 Princesses play it. One to prove it's "evil", thre to seee what the big deal is and if it's worth punishing Dissy over (and what degree). Bonus points if Shiny is there to get traumatized wth Twiley sexualization with his wife around.
I thought this was said to cause sneezing?
5254842 from what I've seen, eastern sources like anime reference sneezing; while western tradition favors burning, or buzzing ears.
This story was awesome. I kinda wish Luna had found out what was going on, especially since you implied that she was headed their direction to see what they were saying about her, and I also wish I knew what happened after this ending, but hilarious job otherwise.
draconequus
scampered
5254893 All hail the rising red sun!
Why did I feel an overwhelming need to make my fist one with Rainbow's face?
While not the most original of tales woven, this was certainly a wonderful trip down possibility lane that ended with passing nostalgia avenue. Being your generic internet person, CAH holds a special place in my rotten heart.