Chapter 4: Killing Time, But Not With A Knife Like Usual
One thing you should know about Princess Celestia is that she is very fussy about where she puts her hooves when she sits. Not many ponies know this, but centuries ago, before Luna’s return, there was a diplomat sent from the Equinos of the Other Side of the Sand Dunes. They were a curious little race, looking a bit like breezies save for the fact that they lacked wings. The problem with these diminutive creatures was that they were strong. Built like ants, they were. They didn’t appreciate any reminders that they were small, or even worse, that they needed help.
Offering to help them in their own land was punishable by death. The preferred method of execution for egregious offenders was being stepped on by an Ursa Major. Since the Equinos had developed a highly complex and sophisticated style of hoof-language, one had to be careful where one put their hooves. For example, one hoof shifted slightly forward, then another trading positions was coincidentally, ‘do you require assistance, small one?’.
After spending two months on the Other Side of the Sand Dunes, Celestia became very particular with where she put her hooves. While some claimed that it was part of her calm and poise that she would daintily stride or walk with care, she was merely concentrating hard on where her next hoof would go. After all, Celestia didn’t want to be stomped on by an Ursa Major, no matter how sturdy an alicorn’s body was.
Celestia had barely positioned her hooves in just the right way when a guardspony opened the double doors to the throne room with a resounding bang. Startled, Celestia inwardly cursed as her hooves shifted two fractions of a millimetre to the left and she spent the next few seconds trying to drag it back into the proper position. Unable to get it just right, she sighed and turned to the nervous stallion rolling his hooves awkwardly in front of his supreme ruler-deity.
Seeing her nod, he quickly belted out the reason for his sudden appearance. “Your Majesty, Twilight Sparkle has requested an audience!” He spoke quite loudly with his voice echoing through the vaulted chamber. Celestia winced slightly as the guards at her throne chuckled at the skittish new recruit. At least she hoped it was a new recruit—it would be ever so embarrassing if he were an officer.
“Thank you... Umm...”
The stallion snapped to reality. “Sergeant Belt, ma’am- Princ- Your Highn- Majesty,” he grated out, stumbling pitifully over his own words.
Celestia pretended not to notice. “Thank you, Sergeant Belt—do send her in,” Celestia replied dismissively. The stallion performed something close to a bow and a salute at the same time while he stumbled back out the doorway.
Celestia felt an electric tingle work up her spine as she finally let what the Sergeant mentioned sink in. Twilight? Hopefully this will be interesting.
——
Meanwhile, in the adjunct to the throne room, Twilight had trouble containing her wayward creature-thing that referred to itself as a ‘human’. She let loose a rasp of annoyance and growled, “Will you stop moving, David?” She followed by stamping a hoof in frustration.
David glanced back at Twilight, but quickly returned his attention to the stained glass windows.
“But it’s so interesting!” he exclaimed staring up at the fantastical artwork.
Twilight trotted around and pushed her head into the human’s flank, knocking him forward towards the throne room doors.
“The Princess could call for us at any moment! You don’t want to look like a foal, do you?” Twilight cajoled. The prodding met unyielding resistance as the human planted his feet and generally made life more stressful for her.
“Hey, aren’t you in some of these stain glass windows?” David asked, pointing at the abstract designs. Twilight pointedly ignored the question and corralled David towards the door.
“Oh, just move, will you? We have to make a good impression for the Princess!” she cried, this time taking a mouthful of David’s scrubs in preparation to yank him forward.
David shrugged. “I’m still not convinced that I’m not hallucinating. Perhaps I’m coming down with schizophrenia? I’m not a medical expert by any means, but my doctor’s gone, so…”
Twilight growled through her teeth and pulled the cloth attached to the resistant human. David shifted his weight the other way and infuriatingly remained rooted to the spot. Twilight gave a mightier yank.
*RIIIIIIIIIIIP*
It was perhaps unfortunate that the double doors opened at that point to reveal the two occupants that had been waiting in the adjunct to the throne room.
——
As the double doors opened, Princess Celestia was greeted by quite the shocking sight.
The two highly trained guards in the room opened their eyes fractionally wider, but nevertheless kept a stoic gaze. The court scheduler politely averted his eyes. A maid that happened to look up blushed a little and went back to feverishly sweeping the same spot over and over. Philomena leant in for a closer look.
Celestia put a delicate hoof to her mouth and spoke two words. “Oh. My,” she whispered in the echoing silence.
Twilight let the small piece of cloth drop from her jaws as she sunk slowly to her haunches.
David slowly and self-consciously shifted his arms so that they now occluded the obvious. He suddenly had an idea.
He bowed.
“Greetings, Your Majesty. I hope you have enjoyed our traditional cultural greeting. We call it the ‘You Beauty, Mate’. It represents our willingness to bare ourselves both physically and metaphorically.” David could almost feel the palpable relief radiate from Twilight.
Celestia felt a small tug of amusement at the corner of her mouth. “Is that so?” she inquired mildly, recovering from her brief bout of shock. While it was certainly unexpected, a few thousand years guaranteed that one had seen almost everything.
David grinned and waved a hand. “Nah, made that up on the spot. Name’s David, what’s yours?” He could feel the relief behind him turn to abject horror.
Celestia almost giggled. How refreshing. “I am Princess Celestia,” she graciously introduced herself.
David smiled back. His smile shrunk as he realised something important and squirmed. “Oh hey, not to spring matters on the weird route to insanity, but you wouldn’t happen to know where the facilities are?”
Celestia tilted her head. “I’m sorry?”
“You know, the loo, the bathroom, the lavatory, the gentlemen’s needs, where one addresses the call of nature, the bowl, the chamber pot, the chunder box, the dunny, the W.C., the little boys room—“
“Yes, I think we get it!” Twilight snapped.
“—the toilet,” David finished, scratching his side.
Before Twilight’s fuse reached full blown conniption, Celestia interjected. “Head down the hall where you came from, second archway on the left.”
“Thanks, Celestia,” David jauntily replied. He gave a gracious bob of his head, ignored an incensed glare from Twilight, and headed out to relieve the growing pressure in his lower abdominal region.
The throne room became strangely quiet after that—a fact that Twilight gratefully capitalised on as she worked on getting herself back down to pony speed. Human speed was just too stressful.
She cleared her throat. “Thank you for your patience, Princess. Please excuse David’s rudeness. He only just… woke up.”
Celestia, having found the whole situation the most stimulating experience of the past month, asked the question teetering on her tongue ever since the double doors had opened. “Twilight, would you mind explaining what that was all about?”
——
As David stumbled around the hallways of the stone-lined castle, he suddenly became acutely aware that he was indeed naked. Being a human of priorities, he shuffled the desire for modesty under the need for a toilet. He decided that clothes would be properly addressed once his bladder wasn’t fit to burst at any moment.
“Second archway on the left, second archway on the left, second archway on the left,” David repeated to himself as he passed some fairly startled servants bustling about the castle. At one point, a mare balancing a tray of food tripped over herself and sent a pile of cutlery and edible goods tumbling across the floor. A quick apology and a bob of his head was the only consolation that David could give as he made his way to the gentlecolt’s facilities.
A short time later, David found the bathrooms. They were in surprisingly good condition. He wondered briefly if he’d ended up in the women’s restrooms or if these weren’t actually public use toilets. He discounted the notion after double checking the sign, which curiously had the Mars symbol inscribed on its wooden surface. He studied the flushing jake briefly before shrugging and letting nature take its course.
Suffice to say, if this story were to delve into the waves of pain and pleasure a ten-thousand-year-long wait for the loo could cause, words of any order or magnitude would not be enough to convey the experience. It would be such that the reader would be left wholly unsatisfied, if indeed that were something the reader would be inclined to read about...
Prince Blueblood, who was also in desperate need to relieve himself, decided that after several long seconds of listening to strange sounds of moaning and groaning, that he would venture the risk of a trip to the other side of Canterlot Castle. The other side, as it were, where the other restroom was located.
He didn’t get there in time.
——
After a fairly in depth recount of the recent past and omitting the embarrassing parts of course, Twilight looked expectantly at her mentor who had taken to an expression of partial shock.
“Are you saying that the strange creature that walked in here and addressed me casually by name was sleeping inside a lounge chair within the Canterlot archives since it was built?”
Twilight nodded her head apprehensively. “Actually, I call it the Box, Princess,” she commented, shuffling her hooves.
“And it goes by the name, David?”
“That’s right, Princess.”
Celestia’s tail flicked to the side as she pondered the next course of action. Twilight fidgeted as silence ensued.
After a lengthy pause, Twilight spoke up. “Princess?” she asked tentatively. “What are we going to do?”
Celestia was silent for another moment. Twilight could almost hear the gears in her head turning.
“Well, there’s going to be an investigation.”
“Yes, Princess.”
“There will have to be studies done.”
Twilight perked at that.
“Yes, Princess,” she replied more confidently.
“We’ll have to accommodate David—try and get him acclimatised. The poor thing must be disorientated.”
“Yes, Princess.”
“I could look no further than you, Twilight, to do so.”
“Yes, Princ— Wait!” Twilight bit her lip nervously. “Perhaps there’s a more suitable pony for this job?” Judging from the small snippet of interaction she’d had with David, she was definitely jumping off this bandwagon.
Celestia cocked her head. “Twilight, I have the utmost faith and confidence that you can handle him,” she replied with such confidence that Twilight felt her will melt like butter in the sun. She was the butter and Celestia was the sun.
Twilight heaved a despondent sigh. “That human is so much trouble, though. I don’t suppose I could pass this over to the University, Princess?” she offered up hopefully.
Celestia resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “You know what they are like, Twilight. All arguing over the most ridiculous things. They still believe the system is heliocentric? Can you believe that? Imagine the planet whizzing around the sun like that… Where was I?”
“We were discussing David, Princess.”
“Ah yes, I couldn’t think of a better pony to handle the situation.”
Twilight drew herself up, shaking off any more doubts. “I’ll try my best, Princess,” she imparted with a bow.
Celestia nodded. “I know you will, Twilight. I'm sure you will do well.”
As Twilight left with a small blush, Celestia turned to Philomena and whispered softly. “I give it two days.”
Meanwhile, David let out a huge sigh of relief.
“Now that is one heck of a piss!” he called out, staggering out of the bathroom. He took note of the shocked expression of a well-dressed stallion beginning to enter the toilets.
“Oh hello there,” he greeted, thrusting out his hand. He quickly took it back when he realised he hadn’t washed it.
“Be right back,” he called back. There was the sound of running water and David reappeared moments later with freshly scrubbed hands.
“Sorry about that. Where are my manners? Here,” he chirped jovially, flinging out his hand. The stallion stared at the hand before slowly placing his hoof in it.
“Sorry, have to go, nice meeting you…Uhh?”
“Fancy Pants…”
“Fancy Pants. Right. Name’s David. See you around.”
After a couple of quick shakes, David was off. Fancy Pants stared at his hoof and felt a shudder work from the tips of his ears, down his spine and through his tail.
“It was just hanging there, in front of my face…” he trailed off, unsteadily making his way to the lavatory. The chunder box once again earned its name after ten-thousand-years of disuse.
Oh, I think Celestia is going to have some fun with David.... NOT LIKE THAT, YOU SICKOS!
I get that this is a comedy, but these ponies seem to be having a lot more trouble with human nudity than their own nudity.
NO, NOT THE BOOZE. Wait, Cider might work! ...maybe?
Also chunder...what's a chunder box? XD
Anywho, loving the story so far, it's intriguing and silly
5179868 that's because, nudity or not, their "stuff" is generally hidden naturally... Human's aren't.
5179868
It’s the subtle difference between “he’s not wearing clothing” and “oh look, shaved ape‐cock less than a foot from my face, dangling back and forth.”
5179903
Douglass Adems? Looks like the sort of name a shemale pornstar would use; close enough to the real thing to be memorable yet still giving the desired trashy knock‐off vibe.
5179868 Well as FP said, it was just hanging there right in front of his face. For them it's normally hidden.
Yeah, I can't really imagine a situation more awkward than meeting someone not only taller than you, but also nude with it's pelvis just the right height to be right in your face.
5179885
A 'chunder' is a particularly objectionable bit of vomit. Fill in the rest of the blanks yourself! (Translating from Australian to US/Canadian English is a fun game, suitable for the whole family 18 and older.)
5180029
Sorry I was too lazy to look that up myself
But much appreciated, thanks! Definitely makes a lot of sense in context now.
Well, from what i can deduce from this chapter would be that while David is alot of things, shy ain't one of them.
All sharks are bastards that NEED punching. Also, what is this "No Beer"? I don't understand... the concept? How is there/can there be no Beer? What do they drink? Do Ponies walk around in the rain with their tongues out or something?
I think Celestia and Luna are in for a bit of a shock over the whole, arrangement of the solar system biz. I can't wait.
5180235
I heard that's what water drinkers do.
5180235 i93.photobucket.com/albums/l53/CletusR/Brawndo.jpg
5179903
I SAID THAT YESTERDAY, THEN DELETED THE COMMENT!
BECAUSE IT FELT KINDA DISRESPECTFUL AND STUFF!
or something......
That was good and you should feel good.
Why can't this be an actual episode? Ok, maybe not on a kids network, although the "edgy" comedy networks such as Adult Swim might do it. Then again, I'm not terribly confident the subtle prose and gut-busting humor could possibly translate well enough into the visual medium.
TL;DR Mooooooooooooar! Pleasepleasepleaseplease!
someone get David some pants
The whole heliocentric thing...
It would be beyond hilarious if celestia and luna weren't actually raising the sun and moon. The old unicorn council that did it in the past being a bunch of charlatans and that they convinced them they had to cast a spell to do it themselves.
Doesn't explain discord, but it would be hilarious.
In Heaven, there is no beer; that's why we drink it here!
5180541 well Discord just creates illusions...
Dude, did you just write up an actual technical report just for fun? That's awesome!
reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/hSbE0.gif fancy pants reaction
5180541
yeah it will be fun to read their reactions
and if Discord is free and reformed in this story i bet he will laugh at their expense and gonna have some fun with David with or without David's approval
So, you punched a shark, huh?
Did you punch a shark wearing a bolo tie?
5179885 chunder is slang for puke
Just make sure David don't bring any drop bears with him okay?
And if you get mauled by one without finishing the story, I will revive you so I can kill you again.
5180879 Bolo tie? How... American.
Mate, if we wear a tie, we wear a bloody neck-tie with a full suit in forty degree heat. That's 40 Celsius, by the way.
Me personally though, I wear a three-piece suit.
...
This coming from someone who once went from 3:30 am to 6:30 pm on ANZAC day.
Standing at attention for two hour straight is murder on the legs.
5179868 As others have said, though not quite as succintly, is that for ponies, it's hidden twice over. First, they are hunched over on all fours, so it is out of sight due to thighs and tail. Then, on top of that, they also have a sheath that hides it better. (Unless I have my anatomy wrong.)
That, and yeah, right in front of your face. Tell me with a straight face that having one mere inches/a foot from your face wouldn't be highly startling/disgusting, on top of it being so suddenly.
Also, find it a LITTLE hard to believe that he'd be so casual about being nude, considering how hard-wired it's been burned into us. I was/am willing to dismiss the part when he was heading to the restroom, as he needed to go, but I would think he would have grabbed an extra paper towel or SOMETHING to cover himself with.
So? They have 'cider', they bake - means yeast - so ... just set those in a barrel for a week in a cool place and you'll be fine. And even if the yeast is crap and doesn't make alcohol right, they've got medicinal alcohol I'm sure. It's like vodka but worse - any port in a storm and all.
EDIT: Ok, that would be crap - set it in a warm place for two weeks and THEN a cool place for a few weeks. Still.
5180879 YOU MAY ASK: WHO WAS WEARING THE BOLO TIE, YOU OR THE SHARK? ANSWER: YES.
5179856 Shhh, just let it happen.
Besides, everyone loves a good game of chess, right? Please hit me now...
And that's why ponies wouldn't question why we wear pants
wonder... beer? why not vodka?
Author confirmed for working at the SPC Foundation.
5181183 After ten thousand years I would imagine something must have gotten a bit freezer burnt.
I don't think David made it out of the cryotube with all of his brain cells intact. I don't think he thinks he made it out with his brain cells either. This is getting confusing, maybe I'm the one missing brain cells now!
That chapter was good and you should feel good. :P
Paused a couple paragraphs in.
By far, this is one of your better chapter. It really exemplifies your talent.
Cute squishy-by-bear scene, and wonder-tastic word usage. Ah'm super-hyped to finish devourin' this latest chapter.
And then the the clothes come off. xD
Yay!! *read moar* MOAR!
The best hot dog and pee jokes ah've ever encountered.
Hahahaha. Anywhoooo... David is kewl.
No Beer? Time to overthrow the monarchy, install one self as dictator and put the surviving population on the job of redeveloping beer.
5182877 5180235 5180630
If the next chapter involve beer then I hope Berry Punch will make a appearance in that chapter because of this video.:
5180019 5180797 5181183 5181528
What about Iron Will? He is really big and he don't wear any pants.
5183087
He's still not exposed like a human.
5180781 Yes. Yes I did. I'm funny like that.
5184219 And I went through and imported the whole thing from the pdf just so I could edit and republish it.
5184308 To which I'm eternally grateful for.
David is hilarious and I can't wait to see his reaction to some of the more insteresting sights of Equestria and Ponyville. I can totally see Lyra freaking out over him if she's obsessed with humans.
If you're really using Australian English, why aren't the words upside down?
5186492 I fed the words to a crocodile, while riding a kangaroo and drinking several cans of beer. I then wrestled the crocodile, strangulating it with my bare hands. I roasted its meat on a portable barbeque I always carried with me for barbecuing emergencies. Each word-steak was hand crafted so it could be read in any orientation and still be legible. The words were also suitable for general consumption.