Life seems normal for Octavia Melody, at Canterlot University. With hopes and dreams to become Equestria's greatest cello player. Octavia's world gets turned upside down when "Wubs" is introduced into her life.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 11th May, 2014
- offline last seen May 7th, 2015
AnimalGirl
I'm a 14 year old girl who enjoys mlp and writing stories. I hope that everyone will enjoy my stories and reach there expectations.
AnimalGirl
Joined 11th May, 2014 ·
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Hmm...Seems interesting...I shall be looking at this closely
Also, good job on making your first story!
5132094 Thanks
I hope things go well with this story
Decent first chapter
Bit limited on the tags for the story i suppose, the title suggests a bit more than just Random. But thats not very important right now, can be added later. Keep on writing 
Caught in the beautiful chaotic web that is vinyl aka Dj pon3 lol
Ill elaborate on my first post then. It really depends on where this story goes. Based on what i saw Sad/Slice of life tags would work (based on the title and story, I suspect Vinyl has her issues yes?). Comedy wouldn't really do atm as you said yourself. The rest doesn't really apply here, except perhaps Romance but don't know if its gonna be in there afterall.
Its just really to judge the story, having a slice of story turning tragedy halfway would be a bit surprise for example.
Don't feel forced to add them though, its your story in the end.
If you feel confident enough, you can add th story to the dedicated groups of Octavia and Vinyl that float around here. Bound to give you more readers and opinions far better than myself
Pretty good sofar though. But enough of my ramblings, hope it helps.
5143525 Hey thanks for the advice.
I'll totally post the story on some group thing a mijgs. Anyways the title/story is based of an anime and it was a comedic kind of anime so thats why I was thinking of putting comedy. The name of the anime is The melachony of Haruhi Suzumiya you should totally check it out it's really interesting 
A story about Vinyl and Octavia that isn't shipping them? Okay, let's see where this goes.
I think the biggest problem here is that you need to slow down, or at least reconsider what you want to spend time talking about. If you're going to make something a scene, then make it a real scene. And if not, then just quickly pass over it in the narration.
For example, let's look at the first few paragraphs of the first chapter:
This scene really has nothing to make it special or important, except maybe a small look into Octavia's character. But there's no reason it needs to be it's own scene. If there's nothing important about her house (and I don't think there is at this point), don't start her there if you're immediately going to have her leave. So I recommend either expanding this scene by quite a bit, or just starting the story off with her on campus on her first day, fantasizing as she goes to class.
Speaking of which, let's look at the next few paragraphs:
Again, this is a really short scene that doesn't actually accomplish much. Again, you could combine this with the previous few paragraphs to make a larger scene, but I really only recommend that if you want to expand them even more, maybe describing CU and it's denizens in more detail. Or the better option may be to cut pretty much all of these first few paragraphs out, and start the story with Octavia in the classroom. She can have her fantasy and tell us whatever she needs to about the school while she waits for her class to begin. That would make the entire chapter one nice, self-contained scene of an acceptable length.
A few points on that matter.
First of all, I have never had a professor take roll like teachers did in high school. Most of them just don't care whether or not students bother to come to class, and the ones who do take attendance usually do so by either passing a roll around or by having in-class quizzes of some kind.
Second, there's this bit:
I imagine that this can vary quite a bit depending on the school, but I've had plenty of classes that fit each of those descriptions. The high school-like desks are actually quite common (at least at my school), and the long tables are the least common (I think I've only had them in lab classes).
Third, in the second chapter, you say that "They gave us a small break for lunch." That's not how schedules work in college. "They" don't give you anything. You make your own schedule with whatever available classes you want to take. You can give yourself a three hour lunch break in the afternoon, or you can take classes from 8AM to 4PM without any break, or you can have your first class of the day be at 1PM, or you can do whatever else you want with your schedule. It all only depends on what you want to do and when the classes you want to take are available.
As a final note, I recommend finding someone to edit this for you. There are a number of grammar mistakes that you'll want to take care of.
Hey guys thanks so much for the advice!! I'll try my best to improve however... I'm not the most amazing at describing things... I really try my best in writing well. To say the truth, English is not my first language, but I have been speaking for most of my life (totally using that as an excuse for my incompetence
) I'll definitely try to improve, hopefully things will work out... hehe... 