Gray Wing recently retired from The equestrian weather Bureau and plans to live out the rest of his life in Ponyville with his niece. That all changes when A lowly antique dealer is murdered.
Chapters (6)
grahmcracker
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Okay, I will have to be honest, the start was quite painful to get into, There were numerous spelling errors, and misplacements or even lack of placements of commas.
And this is comming from a non native english speaker
Dont be completely disheartened though, I for now can say that I like the calm way you have been able to describe the characters, and I am just interested enough to read on, but if you currently have a proofreader, ask them to step up their game, Please. Many will be turned off seeing just the smallest errors, and some of yours are quite substantial.
Anyhow, Moving on to the next chapter, lets try and see if things improove there.
.....jeezuz, that ending....
I am sorry, I will stop ranting on about this at some point, but Oh Sweet faust the Commas, I am missing the commas!
Already at the start:
"Uncle Gray Bon-bon made..."
This sounds like you are calling One Pony, Gray Uncle Bon Bon... Which I am most certain you are not trying to do! And you are doing this mistake multiple times. There is nothing that can fling a reader out of the experience more if we keep getting errors like this glaring at us.
That really is the major thing that is weighting this story down. Glaring Gramatical erros.
Second error I have Is the pacing. Some of the action is just flying by as if I missed a train.
And Scene transitions... Oh Goodie goodie gumdrops. if you are going to transition between sets, it either needs to feel organic, or there needs to be a much clearer sign like a breaking Line, or a couple of XXXes or something, something to tell us "We are Not in the bedroom anymore..." Which I can see you tried, but a single paragraph is not enough.
Now, I really dont want to be this negative, but it really needed saying. There are many a issues you need to fix, but I really want you to fix them, because I am actually interested in some of the plot, as it actually seems quite mysterious... Just please for Celestia´s sake try to fix the way you are delivering it to us.
I Can see the potential here, and it is shining quite a bit, but potential cant do much if it is buried beneath fixable issues.
Okay then, Back we are!
Lets me start by saying that the gramatical situation has gotten much better! I can actually read it without having to stop and re-read the sentences! The commas are here! Oh praise Odin and Frigg the commas are here! It was so much rarer that I found any kind of gramatical hicup, and most of them were some that I do myself, which I can forgive. Everything occationally will give you the slip, but it does not pull the story down.
If you want any specific hints, Perhaps put one more paragraph between the "XXXXes" and the next section, and try to make sure that the Xes does not take up a Second line, if you are meaning to use them as a splitter.
Now on my next slightly negative note:
I would like some more, well, emotion. So to say. The actions occationally feel either rushed or at least lifeless. Not all of them! But some of them. Specifically I got the Heart attack to mind. It really didnt feel like it was... well... Important or dangerous... It was more just like "Oh... Heart attack? What? Oh its over?... huh..."
Now that is a problem, but its a problem only able to be solved by writing some more! And Keep on writing till your fingers cry for mercy and you ignore them in the name of progress and improovement!
So, in total.
I See progress!