Darkness
“Do you think he’ll be back?” asked Spike, who was sliding around on his ladder, desperately trying to find another book for Twilight.
“I’m not too sure, but if he’s coming back…” She paused and sighed, before saying, “He’s coming back today.”
Spike’s eyes shot open wide. “But it’s been 20000000000 years! It’s can’t be real!”
Twilight stood up from the chair she was sitting in. “I know…” She made her way to the front door.
“Where are you goung?”
“I have to tell the girls that he’s coming back today.” She reached for the door before stopping to add, “Send a letter to Celestia that I’ll need her here in an hour.” Spike could only nod as Twilight opened the door and left.
___
Twilight wlaked through town for a bit before coming accross Rainbow dash. She was arguing with a store vender. “I told you, it’s for bits, not two!” the vendor said.
“In your dreams!” Rainbow Dash hoped up into the air with a scowle painted on her face. “It’s been two for, like, 5 years, or something.”
“Rainbow!” Twilight said. Rainbow dash turned around to see twilight, and her face curved up with the sight of her friend.
“Hey, Twilight! Can you tell this vendor that the Wonderblot pins are only two bits, not for?”
“Later Rainbow.” Twilight used her magic to pull Rainbow dash closer to herself. “Right now, we have bigfger problems!”
“Like what?”
Twilight looked around herself, making sure that nopony was watching. “He’s coming back,” she whispered.
“He’s what?!” Rainbow Dash hovered about Twilight with a shocked expreesstion on her face. “How do you know?”
“It said in the ancient book of mystery.” Twilight saw the fear in Rainbow’s eyes as she told her. The tales about the Lost Alicorn were the scariest in Equstria. it’s said that he had knives on his wings and a pointed horn for stabbing.
Twilight could only mimic the fear she saw on Twilight’s face. “I’m going to need you to find the rest of the girls while I get Apple Jack, alrighty?”
“Alright!” Rainbow Dash speed off into the sky on her new mission.
As Rainbow Dash left, Twilight could only sigh to herself again. Remembering the legend of Demon Bash was the hardest thing she could do, as Celestia herself had to banish him to the sun.
Demon Bash also wrote books about the tyranny of Celetia, who he saw as a evil dictator. Some ponies say that’s why Celestia attacked him. And since then, all books written by Demon Bash have been banned.
Twilight wondered what they were like, not only because they were old, but because she was starting to take up the same views. “Maybe he wasn’t so bad,” she said as she walked.
_____
The moment was nearing. He new he was ready to take on the world once more. Soon, her thought. Soon i would have my revenge on Celestia.
He was nothing more than a clear mist over the sun as the gateway to Equstria opened up. But he could still thing… he could still remember the pain he felt when Celestia burst into his room with a handful of guards and proclaimed him a heretic.
“I’ll get my revenge, you dictator.” A single tear ran down his now forming face as the mist began to shape into a new body for him to live in. “You’ll get what’s coming to you!”
The gate was close to being totally open, and he began to push his way over to it. The shackles that held him in place for 10000000000000 (A lot ;] ) were finally being broken.
The gate was now fully open, and you went inside the white light. It surrounded him was we entered, but he wasn’t scared, he’s waited so long for this moment that it was killing him to know it was only a few more steps away.
A few more steps… Only a few more until he reached freedom.
____
Twilight and the rest of the mian 6 aited at the other end of the gate that opened up in Ponyville. Celestia came down for the sky as Twilight began to see the faint cloud of a hoof slip out from the white light.
“Am I too late?” she asked everyone.
“No princess, you’re right on time.”
Celestia looked over to the gate, and she saw his head begining to pop through it. Her face became angry as she looked at it. “Don’t believe anything he says, you understand,. girls?”
They all nodded as he stepped through. “Celestia!” he yelled.
“Go back where you came from, Demon Bash!” Celestia charged up her banish spell (little did he know it wouldn’t work)
Demon Bash looked over to the ponies. “How can you stand by this monster?” he asked. “She…” A tear ran down his face. “She killed my entier family. And now you stand by her side? You’re all sick in the head…. SICK.”
Twilight looked over to Celestia. “You kill his family?”
“I had to, they were spreading lies about me.”
Rainbow Dash couldn’t beleave that her friends went over to the enemies side. But killing his family was way over the top. So, she went over to his side as well.
Demon looked up one more to find three ponies standing by his side. “Now that you know the trust about her, we must take back the kingdom!”
The rust of the three (Twilight, Fluttershy, Rarity.) all stepped out of the line to attack Celestia, who could only scream as they held her down with magic and brute force.
“How dare you help him?!”
“You’re a monster!” Twilight screamed as loud as she could.
Celestia managed to free herself and fly away before Demon was able to send her to the sun with his own spell. He didn’t chase her because he was tried, and his wings her sore.
Apple Jack turned to the rest of the gang. “Now, how do we get back your Kingdom?”
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- Windlife · 2.2k words · 31 132 · 905 views
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No negative comments, or you'll be deleted and blocked.
5050201 Only positive comments?
Your traditional troll tactics are very well executed :)
10 out of 10 will upvote again :)
5050220 I think he's talking about your comment.
5050229
Thank you for the heads up. He's been deleted.
5050234 It's just you and me against the world, homie :)
5050238
Stop trolling me.
Alicorn oc Oh dear. Also deleting the comments and blocking people isnt the way to deal with negative feedback. Perhaps you should take some of the advice into account. You need to ditch the Alicorn oc
5050252
5050253 stop harassing my homie >:(
5050252
How dare you? My OC was a pretty good idea. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all.
Interesting. Can I ask you something?
5050266
Yes. Is it ideas for the rest of the story?
5050274
Stop harassing me.
5050277 Im not harassing you Im trying to give advice.
5050280 But his OC is good. Nothing you have to say about it has been constructive, so far.
Get rid of it isn't a reason.
5050280
I say quit while you're ahead.
5050293 The brony community especially on here dont like Alicorn ocs and this story will be beaten into the dirt if that isnt changed. How about that?
5050297 yea Some people are just beyond help. Stupid children.
5050299 Why?
5050303
Sure, buddy.
>Stupid children.
5050296 encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR41SLJaAT1w7X9QsMlev3EtQBan0dkge6cxVccYsMcYhnB3f47
5050271 Well. Ya. If you saw my icon. That is my Alicorn Oc Geoffrey. He is a best friend to Twilight. Here is a heads up. He is a hard pony to understand. Which means he will not listen to your oc Demon Bash until he knows the truth. Until then he is going to fight Demon Bash and his friends the elements of harmony. Geoffrey is really loyal to Celestia.
I see quite a few errors in the story so far, mostly spelling that just makes it difficult to work with. I definitely recommend giving it a once over with a prereader or something just to clean up a few of the grammatical errors.
That said, it's actually a bit difficult to make a good alicorn story, especially with all the negative stigma surrounding them and the sheer number of people that simply get angry because Alicorn OC's exist. Since the only known alicorns in the show are Celestia, Cadance, Luna and Twilight, the only safe assumption that anyone can make about Alicorns are that they are incredibly powerful.
Because of all that it is really easy to simply make an overpowered Alicorn OC if you don't invest the time to make the character interesting or give them challenges that are scaled to their level and really develop them as a living character instead of a carboard cutout. I have my own story that I still haven't made any progress on because of the initial negative reaction I had to it and the fact that I wrote the original while I was half-asleep without even having an energy drink nearby. I definitely think that going through the story to correct the grammar would be helpful in turning this into a more likeable story.
An interesting premise does nothing if the reader can't really read the story after all.
5050297 No one likes a quitter
Why was my comment deleted, fair author? Your story provoked an emotional response from me; I thought you would be pleased. Is that not what every author wants? To move his readers?
5050316
I don't care about the grammar. Please stop tlaking about it. I have ADHD
images.memegenerator.net/images/195x/1154115.jpg
5050338 Dude, don't be rude :/
5050338
Great, more harassment.
*Looks at OC*
The story itself, while readable at times, is more or less crazy. I have no idea what's happening or why.
5050315
I'll put your OC in it, ok.
5050340
But top hats make everything classy
5050347 yes, but there's no need to be so......Assy
I WOULDL IKE TO THANK THE PEOPLE WHO READ THE STORY. PEOPLE WHO ARE MAD NEVER READ IT.
5050344 Ok. 1 more thing about Geoffrey. He never underestamate his enemy and he is a hard pony to beat because he is smart.
5050355 get blocked :)
5050341
Truthfully, a large portion of this "harassment" was brought upon you by none other than you.
5050357 but i luv u
5050360 this is the way it has to be :,3
5050359
I dont know why people are hating on me. i guess they are jealous.
Please stop deleting comments. They're the best part of the story.
5050372
I only delete haters.