Pegasi have lived with the ponies for almost as long as there were were ponies. But barely anyone knows how they came across their wings.
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Rakdar
Joined 20th Jun, 2012 ·
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why did you call it chapter 1 if there's only 1 chapter??
I really like this,
to me it's brilliant!
I like it but this story could use a framing device. A simple addition of this being a story a grandmother was telling two foals who had just picked on a pegasus filly would make this worth a favorite. As it is, good job!
Interesting, I especially liked how you offhandedly, yet perfectly, explained the military style of the pegasi.
Early Equestria sure was a mess. xD
I don't exactly remember, but wasnt commander Hurricane a mare?
A few things I noticed while reading:
The* ? or old english?
You changed the tense of the story here for a second.
A bit nitpicky, but... This sounds to me like the crops had trouble finding food. xD
Suggestion: "The crops they were pulling in were barely enough to feed themselves"
Also, I agree with Tessi, a framing device might help.
Keep up the good work.
Some small mistakes, but other than that, it was pretty good.
5048889
Default.
5049412
It wasn't explicitly stated that Hurricane was a mare, I believe.
Author:
Wrong. It's Clover, Smart Cookie, and Pansy.
Speaking of which, who the heck was Colonel Cupcake? Your made-up leader of the earth ponies? Because the actual leader was Chancellor Puddinghead.
Great work.
Upvoted.
5048889
A lot of people call their only chapter chapter 1. It mostly comes from not being able to think of the best or a generally appropriate title to go with the story. (I myself really don't like calling a single chapter the title of the story or anything like "The Story" or "The Tale".)
Also, the "fore" included here should simply be "for". "Fore" makes me think of two things: 1) shortening of "before"'; and, 2) golf.
Edit:
Also, I do like this story :3 I don't often see many that are simply old mare's tales :3
Wow. I honestly didn't expect this to be taken very well. I mean i expected to put this up, go to bed, go to school then marvel at how many dislikes could amass on a story in about 18 hours. Imagine my suprise when people actually liked the story for the most part.
5049130 Ah, I'll try to see if i couldn't give it a little fix. A framing device would help.
5049412 Thanks for pointing out those errors as well.
5049921 No, just the leader of the militant Hoofington. I'm pretty sure he was referenced in the show but i cannot find where. I might just be going crazy. Aside from the facts being incorrect, is there any other problems you can see with the story?
5049456 Any errors that haven't been pointed out yet?
5051683
Well, there are the very few grammatical errors. I can't remember anything else off the top of my head.
5049412 Commander Hurricane is a stallion. It isn't stated explicitly in "Hearth's Warming Eve", but it IS stated in The Journal of the Two Sisters, in which he appears somewhat more prominently.
5051940
Good to know, thank you.
Thousands of years ago there were two races of ponies: the unicorns and the earth ponies. The earth ponies tilled the land and grew crops for the unicorn aristocracy. While the unicorns lorded over the earth ponies with an iron hoof, they amused themselves by arbitrarily changing the weather and altering the length of the night and day.
Queen Solaris, in a fit of rage, called upon the stars to strike down these insurgents.
Instead, they frowned upon the evils of the queen and took hers, as well as the rest of the unicorns ability to manipulate weather, and instead gave them to the ponies that dared to take a stand against the throne.
With all the hate spreading around, the windigos came in full force and threatened to completely overtake the fractured nation.
As the world slowly began to ice over, the ponies got more and more desperate, resorting to eating meat and eventually cannibalism to survive.
As the days continued, the ponies grew ever closer. Equestria, which is what they decided to call their empire, expanded greatly. Eventually, the Unicorns created three great beings to control the sun, the moon, and the stars. They were created to embody Order, Chaos, and Balance. Chaos went mad, and began making the same mistakes that the old order of unicorns made.
And thus ends the tale of how the pegasi got their wings. They are immersed in history and without them we may have ended up destroying ourselves instead. The pegasi were crucial to the progress of Equestria. Without them there wouldn't have been an Equestria.
(need a space between these two paragraphs)
So children, The next time you see a pegasus, remember what I told you.
5052975 Awesome, thanks.
5049933 ok thanks
3 cheers for world building!
You're past stories sucked horsie ballz, but this... I like. You improved, good for you.
6599678 why thank you. I'm having trouble writing a longer narrative. When I felt I was finished with this it was only around 600 words. It's nice to see people enjoying this. I'd like some help planning out a longer storyline.
6600883
Yea, I found it rather funny how all you're last stories were "OMG THE EDGE, HE'S SO ROOD OMFG NOT LIKEABLE GO DIE PLZ", and then suddenly there's this random one with only one dislike.
6600951 was going for abrasive hero...
6604362 Well in the commenter's defence, you did kind of make him a complete jackass. Not a single good quality about him. Now, if you settled down the "fuck shit fuck ass fuck bitch" stuff, it might've had 4 less dislikes.
(Btw, will you be making another chapter of any sort, or just keep it a one-shot?)
6604522 This in particular story isn't going to continue , it is however the basis of my future stories, I am aware that this is an alternate universe and I plan on taking advantage of this.
6606511
*Looks at first comment*
...58 weeks later.
6606940 Well, yeah....