Endercrow32
Joined 10th Feb, 2013 ·
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Idea for next chapter (or later one); turn Coco into a mare for a while.
Holy fuck this is my perfect fetish. I support this 100%.
"Gr8 r8 8/8" epic sax guy, IGN HQ
You ... have several problems here. But first, have this complimentary fruit basket to celebrate your first fic on here.
Most serious is your use of horsewords. You have several places where you jump between past *and* present tense. There are mistakes like "She forearm covered" "Hallowed tone" and "i’m enjoy it".
You also appear to have flunked anatomy in terms of 'she emptied her balls into my stomach'. Not to mention the whole 'dry entry with very little pain' trope is just that: a lie. A dirty, filthy, trashbag lie that needs to be taken out and thrown in the dumpster.
In your warnings, there is no rape tag. Given that the sex happens out of nowhere, one should be added.
As for the sex itself ... I'll be honest. There are excellent ways to write about feminized-male/girl with cock sex. This is not one of them. There is no setup of which to speak. There is no backstory. There is no foreplay. There is nothing here other than "I was born with a dick." followed by some rape. Never mind that he was sent to get her back and someone would have found them before she'd finished him off.
You could have taken this in many directions, all of which would have made some sense, from him seeing her try to discreetly tuck after the fight and confronting her afterward, to her actually offering to seduce him in a feminine way, to even something as crazy and off-the-wall as him opening himself up to new possibilities with a friendly mare who happens to be both stacked and hung. Even a reach-around would have been a courtesy.
As I suggested to someone else recently, perhaps you need to read a better class of porn to get the feel for it, as this is your first fic. Again, I recommend reading Hoot Island's archives because he believed in Silly Sex for Silly People, so the humour makes it less embarrassing. Your imagination is also good, but don't forget to imagine some lube, because even a little smoothness makes your fic that much sexier. Also, if you could imagine a better class of sex-having space, I think Coconut Breeze's knees would thank you.
Please, accept this Pete Townshend Beating, with my compliments.
i1180.photobucket.com/albums/x403/stop-the-fading/PeteTownsendBeating.gif
Pacing is horrible, grammar is inconsistent, the sex scene just honestly isn't sexy at all, and dry anal hurts like a motherfucker. So, basically, what Norm de Plume said before me.
5048293 5049085 Thank you both very much for the criticism. I realize that I have made many mistakes whilst writing this, and certainly need to improve. I will take what problems you have given me, and attempt to remedy them in the next chapter. I plan to flesh out story in the next chapter, and want to confront a lot of plot concerns you are having. I may come back and we-write the first chapter, once I feel that I've improved. I'm hoping to make more fics, albeit less confusing ones, in the future.
5049252
Excellent. The beatings shall be postponed until morale improves.
5049252 Yay, somebody willing to learn from criticism! I haven't seen anybody like that on here in a while.
I like it. It's hard to find stories that so closely align with my preferences. Despite some very minor issues I found myself thoroughly enjoying it and I look forward to future chapters.