After being the Princess' students for so long the two have grown close. Afte a while Twilight starts to worry that she's feeling things that shouldn't be felt to the Pony that demands such respect.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 21st Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 21st, 2013
Midnight Bloom
I'm Midnight Bloom (Formally DeathXBlackXEcho) I'ma new Brony and a newish writer, so all feedback is helpful.
Midnight Bloom
Joined 21st Apr, 2012 ·
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Your description alone tells me that not much love went into this story or its editing. Cut and polish for a bit before you publish, mate.
It's not bad to start with I guess, but a couple things:
Make your paragraphs more visible. Just pressing Enter once isn't enough to specify that there is a paragraph there. It gives the story a wall-of-text feeling.
And I guess you could make thoughts in Italics, but that's just me, it kind of gives a clear line when there are thoughts, and where is dialog.
Good luck!
not bad writing although you really could use an editor and better paragraph breaks. Other then that it's good enough.
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I see.
There isn't much i could say that hasn't already been said, but I'll track it and see where it goes.
These chapters seem far too small. So far it's kind of interesting though so I think it warrants a track. I'll see you then.
You could definitely do with a proofreader. There's lots of spelling and grammar mistakes here. Longer chapters would be nice as well. But what's really killing you is the rushed feeling of the story. Part of that comes from the chapter length, I think. You have the good basis for a story here, but you need to flesh it out more.
Hmmm,at first, I was hurt but the criticism, but now I've come to understand that you all are just trying to help. i think I'll pick up the pencil agin and start on a chapter three. I'll take you're advice into account and try to improve. I have a Beta now, so that should help. Wish me luck.
great work can't wait for more.
1788912
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1- I suppose it's an alternate universe, since the events of the Grand Galloping Gala don't seems to have happened in it. The corespondent tag is needed.
2- What you call your 1th chapter look more like a prologue to me, but it's not a bad one.
The only notable error I've seen here is your tendency to always make a space before your quotation marks. In the case of the closing ones, the space need to be after.
3- Your 2nd chapter is to compact, (and probably far too short) making it hard to reed. That have immediately stopped me from reading it!
How in hell can you make a second chapter so compact when the first wasn't?
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Try to rework what is already done, you story have potential to be a great one, but not in it's actual state.