Kingdom of Monsters
Chapter 1
------Control of Power-----
“Tell me again why we are mapping the Everfree forest, it is not like anyone goes of the path,” Commented Spike as he and Twilight walked through the Everfree.
“In case ponies get lost,” Twilight replied as she drew some more on the map. “On, look at that, it’s your bedtime, go back to the library and get ready for bed, I will come shortly.” That was a lie, Twilight just was annoyed at Spike for asking the same question over and over again.
“Fine, see you in a bit,” Spike said as he walked out. Twilight will only be a minute, she can’t get hurt, Spike thought as he went back over to his home.
Twilight kept mapping out the forest, letting her thoughts wander. Why is everyone so scared of this place? It feels like home, Twilight shook her head, how could this place be home? Twilight thought she saw a green flash in a some water. It is probably nothing.
Then she came across a cavern with a eery glow come from within it. What is that, I should go check it out. She slowly moved towards the cave. Those actions sealed her fate. When she entered the cave, she was amazed. Torches glowing green were lining the walls. Strange markings were written in a random pattern, A pool that had a liquid that seemed to glow ten times brighter than the all of the torches combined. Against her better judgement she went over and touched the fire burning within the torches. Instead of burning her, it felt like her hoof was dipped in liquid nitrogen. How can a fire be cold? Twilight thought.
Then a splitting headache gripped Twilight, Making her tumble into one of the markings. A pain shot through her legs. This must be dark magic. Twilight thought as she cried in pain. She needed to find relief. Maybe that pool will do something. She thought as she jumped in. Which is where the physical pain stopped, and the metal pain began. The unicorns mind was changing. Becoming more and more dark. Twilight tried to fight it, but the darkness seemed so nice. Her alien thought Made her now enjoy the transformation she was experiencing. A wave of pleasure shot though
her as her hind legs became like the tale of a snake. Her fur became scales from the waist down. She opened her mouth, trying to gasp for air. Instead her organs transformed and the pony once known as Twilight was no more.
“Ow my head,” Twilight said as she woke up from her sleep. Where am I? All I can remember is falling into this pool. Then one of the symbols lit up. Filling her with information about her new spices flooded her mind. I’m a lamia? Twilight thought before the next wave of information hit her. So that is what happened. She was speechless. What could she do. Maybe I could help everyone, with is new power I could help everyone become Powerful. With those words she accepted her powers. Her scales and fur became green. Her cutie mark formed on her back, but with a snake coil around it. Twilight was gone. Only Eclipse Shadow remained.
Here we go.
Aaand, scene! Enjoyed reading, save for a few typos here and there.
5048511 can you point them out to me
5048535 Near the beginning, Twilight and Spike aren't capitalized. A bit after that, "sphere fight". After Twilight's thought of using her body for good purposes, I think you meant her fur was scales, not "furn". Aaand, that's all I managed to find before deciding I should be sleeping instead of reading fanfiction.
So what her friend going transform into?
5048599 Spolies
5048605 Sorry. so what transformation abort?
If any one can send me a link to a pic I can put with this fic.
5048613 Twilights gone crazy and wants to turn here friends into supernatrual creatures, does that clear things up?
5048662 okay but what happen to her first name?
5048668 She changed it
5048670 I mean her other new name, something with shadow?
5048679 I didn't like that one so I changed it. sorry if it was confusing.
so far
The story is about a 5/10
Mostly due to the pacing, and flood of typos.
For the typos, I would suggest reading through the chapter, and try to iron them out.
Also, this story is moving a rockets pace, I would suggest fleshing out the transformation scene. You know, describe it a little bit more in detail, and maybe lengthen the part where her mind is corrupted, so that the reader can take in all the details. That and maybe add some conjunctions when someone is speaking, it allows conversations sound more realistic, and flow better
But so far, its a meh. It could, how ever, get much better; as your grammers good enough, the plot is fine so far, and the main idea is interesting
I will be watching
There are still a number of grammar and spelling errors, and it reads very rushed, you should introduce more description into your writing. It's full of stuff-happened words, but you could get into Twilight's thoughts in more detail, you could describe the environment more, etc. The actual events here on the other hand don't seem to have any major issues, and I like the concept.
(I have not read beyond this chapter as of this comment)
Hey everyone. I did a riff for this story for Doctor and Ditzy's Science Theater. If you don't know what riffing is, it's MST3k, but with fanfics! Thanks to hielispace for letting me use this story.
Part 1
Part 2
There does appear to be some grammar issues. I would suggest having a proofreader look over it. Still the story does seem pretty interesting.
Ow