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It was a semi-normal day as Twilight was mapping out the Everfree forest. She didn't know why, but she doesn't care. She told Spike to leave when she might get hurt, but she didn't care. Until see comes upon a magic cave that will charge her life forever. Now she wants to share her new found power with her friends.
Takes place right after games ponies play.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Here we go.
Aaand, scene!
Enjoyed reading, save for a few typos here and there.
5048511 can you point them out to me
5048535 Near the beginning, Twilight and Spike aren't capitalized. A bit after that, "sphere fight". After Twilight's thought of using her body for good purposes, I think you meant her fur was scales, not "furn". Aaand, that's all I managed to find before deciding I should be sleeping instead of reading fanfiction.
So what her friend going transform into?
5048599 Spolies
5048605 Sorry. so what transformation abort?
If any one can send me a link to a pic I can put with this fic.
5048613 Twilights gone crazy and wants to turn here friends into supernatrual creatures, does that clear things up?
5048662 okay but what happen to her first name?
5048668 She changed it
5048670 I mean her other new name, something with shadow?
5048679 I didn't like that one so I changed it. sorry if it was confusing.
5048679 anguemess shadow was the other one, but I changed it to make all of the names have a theme.
succubus or vamp?
5048857 Vamp
So who next?
5048909 michellebeard.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/spoilers.jpg
5048909 I will make the next chapter in about an hour, (I can't sleep)
I don't know about you...
5048932
Do you guys have any retort to me making actual chapter names?
5048917
Aw heeeelll naw.
5048965 I'm writing it right now, give me a hour and it should be done.
5048975
I meant don't give me that river song spoilers bullshit (it's funny, but I just don't like when it's used properly, you know what I mean?)
5048885 thanks
OMG! THIS IS GOOD! CONTINUE!
5049074 Your wish is my command
5048992 care to elaborate, cause I don't no what you mean.
CONTINUE THIS. NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW!!!!!
Sorry. My last comment was a little mean. So can you please continue this story?
5049097 Give me a day (hour)
What did Rainbow dash turn into?!
Why does this have a 14/1 ratio?
It's got tons of grammar errors, the paragraphs blend into a wall of text, and everything is just clunky. You don't denote thought from narration aside from italics, and Rainbow Dash has hands!
The AU tag doesn't exist to 'do whatever you want', you've gotta give it a good reason to be up there. Right now, it's not really AU, because you're looking at it from, quite frankly, a childish perspective. You show us the characters as they are on the show--if we were young enough to not dig into their character traits more than their surface personalities. Twilight reacts by reaching for a book, Dash is all full of herself and flying, Fluttershy is, well, shy, and Spike is the hum-drum assistant. You describe the vampire as an assassin. Can we see a fic where someone actually treats the creature as it should be? The 'assassin' vampire is a thing of action fantasy, a thing that resides in Magic: The Gathering and television shows. Not in a fanfic that brushes it off like fact. 'I'm a vampire, oh look, I can run fast, I must be an assassin.'
The transformations are just a meager sentence or two that barely give us a feel for what they look like. Yet even here you manage to go cliche. Fluttershy is a bat?
Because that hasn't been done beforeand I suppose props for the elemental Dash, but your descriptions are sorely lacking, as is your use of an editor.I fail to see where all the appreciation is coming from. This is going to need some work before I can consider changing my vote.
so far
The story is about a 5/10
Mostly due to the pacing, and flood of typos.
For the typos, I would suggest reading through the chapter, and try to iron them out.
Also, this story is moving a rockets pace, I would suggest fleshing out the transformation scene. You know, describe it a little bit more in detail, and maybe lengthen the part where her mind is corrupted, so that the reader can take in all the details. That and maybe add some conjunctions when someone is speaking, it allows conversations sound more realistic, and flow better
But so far, its a meh. It could, how ever, get much better; as your grammers good enough, the plot is fine so far, and the main idea is interesting
I will be watching
This... Needs a lot of work.
Also, why would you be the first to comment on your story? That's just strange...
Not bad but this story just about screams for an editor. With some help, I think this story could become awesome. And besides, we need more monsterpones
5050633 I know, I need one.
5051050 If you are doing this in response to the challenge at the end of the chapter, it means how I name the mane 6 after they transform. Oh, and none of those are right.
5051421
*blink blink* Unless you throw Luna, Celestia, and Dizzycord in there HOW ARE THOSE WRONG!!?? *Gets up and walks off* I AM RIGHT! ONE WAY OR ANOTHAH!! *Turns around* Oh you were very vague in what you meant at the end of the chapter.
So when is a new chapter going to be?
I don't exactly see a name pattern but let me guess, Rarity will become a succubus.
5052737 It is very faint, but it always has to do with thier previous name and what they transformed into.
HAHA! I CALLED AJ TO BE NEXT! >.< I totally for got about spikey boo. Dang I feel bad. But hey King
Moan and GroanSombra is there! Woo! Yeah! I'm a shut up now.Oh and you'll "massage" people for the prize. THE PRIZE WAS A MASSAGE???!?!??! GAHHH!!!
5053342 It isn't very fair even if you guess everyone to be next
5053355
*Shrug* eh true.
5053347 The prize is in the message
5053372
Ohhhh. Cause it said "massage" and I got carried away. I need sleep, I'll correct myself in the morning. I need to not comment when I'm tired.
One question what did AJ turn into? What is she?