Three different stories following the three different Cutie Mark Crusaders as they fight boredom, school, mediocrity, and Silver Spoon.
Chapters (2)
MrTitchThomas
Joined 29th Jan, 2012 ·
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it is an interesting story so far. you have good deep explanation and exposition but it does seem dry at time, might be the british coming out and thats fine if it is.
the paragraph are too long at times, making it easy for one to lose their place.
i might go over it again later.
3222235 Thank you for the comment and for the kind praise.
I get what you're saying about it being overly dry, I think that's because there's no concrete challenge to overcome or any big story. The whole thing is almost one big soliloquy so it at parts it can come out as contrived.
Concerning the paragraphing: I thought it might be weak; only I wrote it out originally in literature form (i.e. two different characters speaking in the same paragraph, with paragraphs instead being used solely as discourse markers) and I didn't realise until it got rejected that I had to separate a separate paragraph every time a different character speaks. The future chapters will be written from their birth in this form so reading them should become easier.
Thanks again for your time.
What will happen next? Will all of Equestria succumb to hypnosis? Will Spike get rid of his addiction for imported sausage? Will Fluttershy stay sane? Cutie Mark Crusader Vandalism, yay!
3231643
On it. On it right now.
3222818
I made it about halfway and stuck it into my read-later folder... Homer's Odyssey it isn't.
Or; there is more to a story than a poorly veiled Aesop couched in excessive descriptive dialogue and archaic terms, you need to be able to touch and feel and live it, this just feels abstract.
Any feelings it does invoke seem to exist primarily because I'm actually familiar with the song it's based off, and it reminds me of the song, a shadow of pre-existing feelings, rather than the story invoking feelings on it's own merit.
3415342 fair enough. It is an abstract piece so I never intended it to be a thiller, or a storybook of such. The song and the video 'Another Brick in the Wall' is very abstract itself, so it was always meant as a reflection of that.
I'm curious what language was archaic though? I'm always trying to improve my vernacular and any comments you might have would be very useful.
I know it isn't particularly an enthralling read so I appreciate your time spent reading it and for leaving your thoughts :)
I wish I could give you a long, detailed, well structured paragraph of critique and compliments. But uhh...All I got to say is: good. It's not EXCELLENT, and it's nowhere near bad. Just...Good. It's to the point wherE I can't say anything else. It's weird.
Anyways, since Scootaloo is one of my favorites, I'm harshly anticipating and all. Anyways...Peace
3797163
Oh...And considering this was like, 11 w ago, yeah. that's nice. lol...
3797163 Thanks for the response and the favourite!! Any small amount of critique or acknowledgement of any kind is welcome at this early stage in my fanfic writing stage.
Thanks for saying it's weird, weird is what I'm going for. Everything else is just propaganda.
Now that my exams are over I'm starting the Scootaloo chapter and because her chapter is the whole point really of the whole piece and I've got the skeleton all but mapped out for what she's going to say and what she's going to do and see, so I'm sure I'll be done pretty soon and I look forward to hearing what you think of it!
3804409
HAH! I'll be looking forward to reading it and going full asshole-critic mode.
But for real, ^^ Those exams...lol. Harsh. Hey! good luck!!
A little bit confused
But I love it
Needs moar likes
Is this story ded
7355854
No it's not dead but my house got burgled and all my writing was on a laptop that was stolen so I've been a little disconsolate really which is kinda pathetic. I got a contract to write a b ook for a real life publisher which is exciting but I haven't written anything yet so I've been angry at myself for that too. Thanks so much for the comment though, you've encouraged me to re-open this like I should and finish the thing because the Scootaloo chapter is really the crux of the whole story really.