- Member Since 17th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen Jul 5th, 2017
Lyfw0lf27
A storywriter who recently got into MLP and wants to write both explicit and clean stories.
Lyfw0lf27
Joined 17th Jan, 2014 ·
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Huh. Interesting choice with your setting here, being an alternate universe of FoE.
Personally, it's not a bad fic. But, you do need to work on your spelling and grammar. I cannot emphasize enough how important proofreading is. A lot of these mistakes you could have fixed by simply reading it over, and being like: "Oh, that doesn't sound right, lemme' fix that."
You get an A for originality with the setting.
Anyways, keep writing.
An alternate universe in a FoE story is always a bit tricky, since FoE stories are a bit different from other MLP fanfiction. There you take established characters and do what you like with them in a world/setting you created. In FoE it's basically the opposite: you've got that universe and let your own characters go on adventures in it.
It's basically what 5024310 said. There are many problems with the overall lore and stuff the readers of FoE like that might throw exactly those people off.
Formatting should be done (better). You already have paragraphs, but do a space line in between each of those. Same thing for dialogue, when the talking character changes. It just looks much better than a wall of text.
On dialogue formatting:
You should start a new paragraph whenever some talking starts. That way it's much easier to distinguish who's talking right now.
I wouldn't recommend advertising it like that. Or advertise it at all. Because the only thing that accomplishes is people getting into this while thinking "this story is bad". And that will influence their comments/ratings/etc. negatively.
And now - finally - back/to the real story:
I have to say, I'm not really intrigued yet. The chapter ends a bit too early with them getting the projector. If I would have to guess I'd say they'll find some kind of top-secret recording that tells them the Stable/Overseer(isn't it an overmare in the FoE-universe?) is evil, which leads to them leaving the Stable. Them watching the introduction (something like:
) of a "video" like this would make a good cliff-hanger, but here there simply hasn't happened anything yet/isn't set up enough to build tension.
Literally anything can happen now and while this might sound like much creative freedom (which it is) it doesn't make readers want to come back, because they don't know/have a clue on what will happen.
Long story short:
Get a bit of formatting done and maybe extend the story of your first chapter to something that makes us (the readers) grow attached to and/or interested in the characters.
5024310 This is meant to be an original story. I'd rather not get bashed unnecessarily for continuity, so I just decided to write from scratch.
5025737
It might be not wise to call the story "Fallout Equestria" then. Because original story or not, some people might think you're using the title (and some concepts like the vaults being called stables) to gain views.
Then what would you recommend I call it? I'm horrible with names. Besides, it's still based on a combination of My Little Pony and the Fallout video game series. What else would I call it?
5026884
What 5026187 said, also FoE hate seems to be on the raise (or it's falling again, I haven't seen it over the past few days).
You're just going to catch extra flack from people who hats the very concept.
As for what to call it, I don't know but there's a lot of non-FoE stories based off a MLP X Fallout who can think of different names.
5026884
Maybe something like "An Equestrian Fallout" or something connected to the main point/event of your story, which - since I'm not you - have no clue about right now. From what I got from your description.
"Fallout: Choose ones own Fate"
"Fallout: the Grand Story"
If you would write a story in which rings and evil wizards who want world domination are involved you wouldn't call it Lord of the Rings either, would you? The thing is this title - as Fallout Equestria - is already preoccupied.
5027036
I want one!!
5027045
DAMN KINDLE! WHY DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE HATE AS A WORD!
Same thing with sucks.