I am currently rewriting this story. Thank you to to spideremblembrony for pointing out the problems with it.
Shattered Shadow is a skilled racer, but even she has difficulties adjusting to a new teammate. This is why she is so thrilled when she and her partner win their first race together... or, rather, why she should be thrilled.
This story is dedicated to my retired horse Dolly.
Rated teen for implied suicide.
If you dislike something about this story, please tell me so that I can fix it. All constructive criticism is welcome, and feel free to comment and say whatever you thought about this.
Cover art does not belong to me. SagebrushPony on Deviant Art drew it.
Chapters (0)
That was beautiful. I'm crying right now, I kid you not.
5003851 Thanks.
And, yeah, the plot needs work. I'm not very good with the plot of a story, which is why I had such monologue-ish stories before this.
Why would you call it a terrible piece a fic I thought it was beautifully done and that comment about doing anything perfectly it's only perfect to those who see it that way and I think you should to and I hope your horse is ok and doing well. Again beautiful fic I'm sure if animals could speak yours would love it. Like I do.
5003855 Seriously? Thanks!
5003864 Thanks, I hope she would like it too.
5003883 Interesting thing though I was listening to this while reading it.Wildest Things in the World - by Melodysheep it made it more beautiful to read. you should check it out beautiful song like the fic.
5003883 I'm serious.
5003910 It really is a cool song.
5003932 Don't know why but I think it fits what you say on your small bio "Never take anything for granted." and that song sure as heck fits that. Live Life To The Fullest!
5003947 Yup.
5003961 And that's why I'm giving you a follow.
5003965 Aw, thanks.
5003975 Hey you deserve it you know how to write stories I cant do and make awesome I'm currently checking out your other fics looks interesting.
5003985 Thanks.
5003994 If you don't mind me asking your fics look like a library of different emotions into them, I like that but how do you know how to make something sad if you don't mind answering
5004004 How do I make stories sad? ... I am sad. I just try to write down what I feel.
5004020 Oh sorry to hear that.
5004029 Eh, it's fine. But really, to write something sad, remember what t feels ike to be heartbreakingly sad, and write it down. Don't think about what you are goig to write... just write it. You can edit later.
5004043 Thanks for the advice it's very helpful and sorry for asking that question should have kept my thoughts in check.
5004051 No problem. And it's alright. You followed me now, and I've been posting quite a few blogs lately to keep my followers notified. You'd find out anyways.
5004065 Thanks people tell me I have a bad habit of feeling bad or guilty to fast need to work on that. And I'll keep track of your blogs to see what's new.
5004080 Okay.
i enjoyed this it maid me feel sorry for the characters and that tells me its a good story i would like to add this to my group oh and hear have a follow as well
5013421 Oh, thank you.
5013427 you seem pretty good at what you do i think i will look into your other stories as well and with your aproval hopefuly add them to my group as well
5013500 Oh, thanks, of course you can.
Nice story, good job!
5029233 Thank you.
5030632
You're welcome.
5072518 Awww, thanks.
5072930
Almost made me cry...nothing's supposed to make me cry...
Very nice job, you could really tell what she was feeling.
5077015 Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.
5078425
Beautiful story. I'm guessing the obsidian blades of the Nocturnae are like the honor blades of the Old Pegasus Clans in my continuity -- sacred knives intended for meditation, certain rituals, and -- in extremis -- suicide. My Fluttershy has one, and at one point considers using it for suicide.
I can easily believe in Shattered Shadow's sorrow, and her choice -- which was sad, given that her new racing partner obviously liked her. But then, some griefs cannot be borne.
5120237 Thanks! And yes, that is exactly the purpose. It was engraved with runes, most of them enabling the blade to destroy almost anything, with the exception of alicorns and other deities and supernatural powers. It was a prized family relic, and it was disgraceful when used as a suicide weapon, with several exceptions. One of the exceptions is a situation like this.
Exactly. Free Soul thought of her as something as a best friend, but in her grief, Shadow couldn't see it. And after growing up in Hollow Shades (the one of my headcannon), thinking of Free Soul even remotely how she thought of Sweet Breeze would seem like the utter betrayal of Sweet. (Keep in mind that Sweet Breeze was her big sister figure and best friend.) It probably made her feel very guilty, and was definitely one of the factors that drove her to her decision.
Okay, so the review of This Is Not Victory.
So, the race was a pretty good start for the story. It was intriguing, it kept a good pace. Yeah, we didn’t know what was going on at the start, but it reeled the audience in with a good start.
There was one point that I questioned. A Nocturne? What is that? I’m not familiar with it. I know it’s a reference to something, but I’m not exactly sure what. My problem with it is, if you are going to bring something that your audience might not be familiar with, it requires some explaining. Something that tells the audience exactly what it is. I know that we get a brief description of what it is, but all I know is that it is a pony with bat wings.
That maybe exactly what it is with no other differences, but it still should be address so that readers aren’t confused about that.
And then we had the Sweet Breeze thing. I’m sorry to say, I didn’t really get that emotional when we found out what happened to her. First reason I really didn’t was I really didn’t get to know her that well. I think that expanding upon her would have been the first thing to do. Seeing her as she normally was, seeing how she and Shadow interacted with one another and how close they were. They acted more like ponies who knew each other, but weren’t very close. I felt that we missed an opportunity to really show their friendship and why they mean so much to each other and why Shadow is so stricken by this.
I mean, we get the twister scene, but I felt that it just didn’t leave enough of an impact for me to really feel something.
Also, I’ve got to say, I really did not like the overdramatic speech. I felt that it would have been more powerful if she hadn’t said a word and that Shadow had to go through this journey of finding out what to do. What would Breeze want from her? Would she want her to race? Would she want her to never race without her? I think that would have caused a much bigger dilemma for Shadow. And it could easily play into the not seeing enough of Breeze.
Shadow could be questioning what she wants to do or what Breeze wants her to do, and she searches through her memories of her time with Breeze when she was alive. And all through those memories, she discovers answers. And that’s how she is able to move on and make sense of all the chaos around her. Or to keep in the spirit of the story, not being able to find any reason to not have her around.
The suicide is unjustified. We don’t relate to it. We have no idea what reason she would want to end her life, because again we never see their relationship and how close they were. I know I don’t really know the character, but when the audience can’t relate to a characters decision or not see how they come to a decision, it hurts the story. And that is what I felt happened with the suicide. It didn’t feel justified.
If we had been shown a good reason why Shadow couldn’t live without Breeze. If we had gotten to know their relationship, I think this could have worked.
With this speech, it was really silly. It felt like she could do an entire play before she died. I know that’s a bit harsh and this may be personal, but she didn’t need to have what felt like a rehearsed speech before dying. Leaving it on a silent note would have been much more subtle and I think would have given us that extra dilemma that, I think, would have made the story stronger.
And probably the biggest thing in this whole story that upset me the most…
Never, never, never, never, never, never put yourself or your work down. Never. I cannot stress this enough. I get it. I know that it’s hard to look at these other writers and think to yourself that “I’m awful.”
I get it. It’s hard. I’m in the same boat. I understand. But never put yourself or your work down. Not only does it make you feel bad. Not only does it paint yourself in which you only see the bad. It also steals the judgment of the readers. The reader has the right to judge your work and to say whether it is good or bad. Leave that judgment to the readers.
Be proud of your work. In art, you’re going to make crap. Whether it’s writing or painting, ceramics, drawing, whatever. You’re going to make crap. It’s going to happen. Not everything that comes out of your creativity is going to be gold every single time. Crap happens.
But, that doesn’t mean you can’t be proud of it. Stand up for your story. Say “Maybe it sucks, but this story taught me something.” Whether it was how to spell a word correctly or how to describe something better, or maybe you had been stuck on what to do and after three months, you finally come up with something.
Every single piece of work that you do is a journey and it really saddens me, I guess is the right word, that so many people doubt themselves and put themselves down.
I don’t know what your life is like. I won’t pretend that I do and I understand that there are reasons to be upset. But if anything is to be taken away from this, you are cared for. You are not worthless. You are not stupid. You are cared about. I care. I know I’m just some text on a computer screen, but I care. I care about what happens to you, I care about how you succeed, how you fail, seeing your faults, seeing you strengths. I care about it.
I know I’ve gotten way off topic of my review, but I needed to address that. That’s just one thing that I really have a hard time with.
Overall, most of it I think could have been extended on to give us that emotional connection to the characters.
I’m sorry if I sounded harsh, but those are my honest thoughts on this story. Please know that I don’t want you to stop writing, I want to see you improve. All I want is for you to know how you can improve your story and improve the quality that your audience receives.
That’s all I’ve got for now. Thank you for allowing me to read it. Have a good day.
5195820 Oh, I never thought of that. Nocturne is another word for bat pony. It's the one I tend to use more often, and it never crossed my mind that someone might not get it. I'll fix it right away. But yeah, I see your point. A speech before death is kinda... unbelievable. She's dying, not campaigning for president.
I'll edit it out as soon as I have time. And the relationship thing is too big of a problem to fix without rewriting the whole story, which I will be doing now that this has been brought to my attention.
I didn't particularly like this story. I think I could and should have written it better, especially for Dolly, and there was just something about it that felt off. I couldn't figure out what that was, and I'm hoping your review will help with that. However, I wouldn't worry about being harsh. I want as many people to slaughter it as possible, because I really want to fix it. I'll be cheering along anyone who chooses to do it.
5208865 If you would like, I would be more than happy to help you with the rewrite, either as a proofreader, an editor, or just another reviewer. Just let me know.
Also, if you want to do me a favor, if you would click on one of my story links and give me a review. Just pick the one that sounds interesting to you, I would really appreciate it.
The Longest Night. - The Cutie Mark Crusaders have been invited to a mansion for the weekend with the promise of it being the best weekend ever. ... So why does it feel like it might be their last? (Rated M for gore)
Royal Day Off - Princess Celestia and Princess Luna just want to have a day off. And they make it the best day ever. (Rated E for everyone)
The Daredevil Cutie Mark - The Cutie Mark Crusaders meet with two colts who promise to help them find their Cutie Marks. But are they as trustworthy as they appear? (Rated E for everyone)
5209652 I'll probably ask for your help as a reviewer once I've finished it, but for now I'm good. Thank you, and I'll review Royal Day Off as soon as I can. Happy Nightmare Night, by the way.
5210158 Happy Nightmare Night!
5212327 Thank you.