The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Side Chapter: The Sweetest One Of All

A/N: Please make sure the setting in the upper right reads “Dark” and not “Light”. Thank you.
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I’m only going to do this once. So don’t make a habit of suggesting fan-made characters.
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Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, Screw Attack, FiMFlamFilosophy and SherclopPones.
Additional characters belong to Cardslafter and Pen Stroke.
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The Moment No Pony was Waiting For
Season 2
(?)

*inhale* *exhale*

Um, you do know that this is a non-smoking facility, right?

Don’t care. I’m a bad*ss.

Well, okay.

N creates a slight magical barrier that prevents the smoke from flowing in her direction.

According to a recent study, Sweetie Belle is the most popular Nightly Roundup header for the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

Heh, the little singing unicorn is so popular that she’s been flattered with imitators. Today, we felt like pitting two of them together to see who’d win.

Well, F did anyway.

We give you guys the mentally advanced Thrackerzod.

And the product of witchcraft: Sweetie Bot.

She’s N and I’m F and it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

---Death Battle---

Sweetie Bot
-Robot capable of recognizing sisterly love
-Has a better war face than Rarity
-Is a good racer
-Can shake the entire Boutique with her anger
-Feels funny when exposed to water
-Tumbles like a slinky down stairs

This is ridiculous! We don’t even have to analyze anything.

What are you talking about? Of course we have to. It’s in our contract.

No, look. Sweetie Bot is the *eff*ing Terminator! The *eff*ing Terminator!

Um, actually she’s a standard robot that lives among ponykind.

Which means… she’s a Decepticon, just biding her time to transform and overthrow the Autobot pony leaders!

N-no, you don’t understand.

She’s a *eff*ing Transformer! How can she be anything else?

*Sigh*. Sweetie Bot has an environmental scanner in her retinas that can recognize fabulous objects and organic, sentient beings. She also has an internal heartdrive that can save to memory one sister.

Hasta la vista, baby!

I already told you that she’s not the Terminator.

No, you didn’t.

N shakes her head and continues.

This Bot also has a Richter-scale disruption program that enables her to create small scale earthquakes which can shake the entire Carousel Boutique.

But her biggest enemy is water… and stairs. Water causes her to short-circuit and spout random gibberish. Finally, she can’t take two steps down a staircase without falling over herself like a slinky.

Wow… you actually started sounding serious.

~Transformers! Robots in disguise!~

Oh well. Easy come, easy go.

“Oh look! Our characters are so malevolent and heartless. Maybe next, we’ll hear a new, cheap catchphrase.”

---Death Battle---

Thrackerzod
-Sweetie Belle possessed by a tiny evil creature named “Taz”
-Travels only where dark dreams may go
-Snuck in through the cracks in the walls
-“A typical pony”
-Doesn’t want to plummet to her death unless it’s what typical ponies do
-Wants to kill Twilight Sparkle… I mean convert her… into a murdered pony

Let me guess. You think we don’t have to analyze this character either.

Are you kidding? Our explanation of Thrackerzod needs to be as thorough as possible!

Wha-huh?

“Taz” used to be a little evil pet of Twilight Sparkle. After escaping, it crawled through the cracks in the walls and overshadowed Sweetie Belle. Now, she has to act the part of a normal pony without blowing her cover. That isn’t so hard considering the rest of the Mentally Advanced cast is so preoccupied with their own diabolical plans.

N coughs during an awkward pause.

O…kay then. Thrackerzod is full of murderous intent, swearing vengeance on her former master Twilight. Although her voice is deeper than Morgan Freeman’s, she still manages to convince every pony that she’s one of them.

She’s apparently capable of short bursts of space-time travel, as she was able to open a locked door from the other side while inside the Rainbow Factory. However, she can’t go back any farther than a few minutes. Trying to do so leaves her in a completely indifferent and useless state.

Her understanding of modern pony society is a bit lacking, but she is a quick learner. In terms of fighting prowess beyond stealth, I’m afraid Sweetie Bot has her beat.

Maybe, but I’ve got a strange feeling that the metal Sweetie won’t win.

Either way, we’ll have to let the fight settle itself.

“I am blending in!”

---Death Battle---

All right, the combatants are set. Let’s settle this debate once and for all.

It’s time for a Sweetie Belle Death Battle!

---Death Battle---

The camera zooms in on the top floor of the Carousel Boutique. There is a faded transition from outside the building to the inside of a room. There appears to be a little filly coloring a piece of paper with a crayon in her mouth. All the while, she is humming a pleasant tune, despite the monotone in her voice. She puts the crayon down to admire her work before singing the lyrics to her song.

~And when I am feeling down
She is there to pick me up
Hm, hm-hm, hm-hm, hm-hm
Something, something giant hat
Yes, I love my sister Rarity~

A door opens and the robotic-voiced filly looks up in surprise. Inside the doorway appears to be another filly that looks suspiciously like the first. Briefly, we get to see the world through the robot’s eyes.

Scanning…

Subject identified: Sweetie Belle

Error: Subject’s identity conflicts with existing fact

Fact in conflict: I am Sweetie Belle

The conflict must be resolved

Meanwhile, the second filly appears just as much, if not more confused than the first.

“Um,” she says in a deep voice that sounds like it belongs to a man, “I don’t remember causing a time paradox… at least, not today. Who are you? I demand a normal explanation as I am a normal pony!”

“Safeties disabled,” drones the robot, “Combat mode engaged.”

“FIGHT!”

Sweetie Bot scampers forward and wears a rather angry face.

“Show me your war face,” she demands, “Roar.”

“This doesn’t seem like something normal ponies do, but okay,” states Thrackerzod, “Yargh!”

“Gasp,” exclaims Sweetie Bot, “Subject’s war face is as good as mine. Switching to more drastic approach.”

She turns around and runs over to a toy chest. She puts her head in and starts tossing out various objects. Some of which don’t look like they belong in such a chest. The camera cuts back to Thrackerzod who has her eyebrow raised. Though, this expression is quickly changed to shock as a dead, stuffed squirrel is smacked upside her face.

“Did you just squirrel slap me?” she asks with a flabbergasted tone.

“If subject Rarity can use dead woodland critters to defend herself against war criminals, then so can I,” reasons Sweetie Bot.

“All right, you,” the demonic filly says firmly, “I didn’t want to do this since it doesn’t match the actions of a typical, magical unicorn, but you’ve left me with no choice.”

She smacks the squirrel out of the robot’s mouth and holds up her front hooves defensively.

Initiating program S.S.S.D: Sweetie See, Sweetie Do

Mechanical motions can be heard as Sweetie Bot also raises her front hooves in a defensive stance. What historical battle strategy are these two about to employ?

Sounds similar to hands rapidly clapping can be heard.

Oh… they’re just… slap-fighting. Wow.

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A/N: Narrator, stop being sarcastic and just tell them what’s going on.
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The narrator sighs.

The image of slap-fighting is complete with neither combatant even looking forward. Their hooves are just flailing around. Thrackerzod peeks with one eye before breaking the pattern.

“Normal pony britch slap!” she yells.

The back of her hoof smacks Sweetie Bot’s cheek and spins her a few feet. On all fours, the robot stops spinning. Tears that resemble black oil start to form under her eyes. Her mouth snarls as her eyes suddenly glow eerily red.

“I have so much strength inside of me. You don’t even KNOW what I could do,” the mechanical voice bellowed, “I’ll teach you how to FEAR me!”

Sweetie Bot starts stomping forward. Each step shakes the entire room and by extension, Thrackerzod. The filly finds a hard time getting her nerves to be still as the robot came closer. The shaking only grows fiercer as the robot starts to gallop. She head-butts the filly, sending her flying out the doorway and hitting her back against the wall.

Thrackerzod ends up sliding down the wall before landing on her stomach. A small, black, and unidentifiable shape worms its way out of the pony’s body.

In an almost comically high voice, Taz shrieks, “No amount of being normal is worth dying. AAAAAAH!”

The whatever-it-is scampers out of the scene. Meanwhile, a very mad Sweetie Bot stomps into the hallway intent on finishing what she started.

The now, non-possessed filly slowly opens her eyes before lifting her head to see what’s making all the noise. As realization dawns on her, her irises and pupils shrink in the whites of her eyes.

“Destroy! Kill! Murder!” shouts the robot, “EXTERMINATE!”

Sweetie Belle takes the deepest breath in her life before releasing an ear-splitting scream. The red in Sweetie Bot’s eyes starts to flicker. Several sparking noises can be heard from inside her body. In a blind panic, the flesh-and-blood filly runs over. She unknowingly knocks the robot onto the first stair that leads down.

“Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!” exclaims Sweetie Bot as she hits each step. There’s a sound like a metal slinky going on somewhere in the background.

At the bottom of the staircase rests a laundry basket filled with dirty soap water. The robot, in her helpless toppling, falls headfirst into the water. Sparks fly as her legs spasm sporadically. Eventually, the sparks reduce to a stream of sizzling smoke as her body stops moving altogether.

“K.O.!”

---Death Battle---

Wait… how do we call this one?

Well, I suppose technically Sweetie Bot won because she managed to overpower Thrackerzod and sent Taz running.

But then, she exploded after that resonant scream and a tumbling downstairs.

So the winner is… um…

Sweetie Belle?

Sweetie Belle.

Heh, nothing beats the original.

Heard that.

---Death Battle---

~There is nothing that we fear
We’ll have to figure out what we’ll do next
‘Til our cutie marks are here~

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Author's Note:

Concentrating on a term paper was harder than I thought. So, I decided to go ahead and finish this little thing up.
Enjoy!
This episode of Death Battle was brought to you today by Peeps, marshmallows that look like chicklings!
What the heck? B, how did you get in my room?
Sorry, he's drunk. I'm trying to get him home. *starts dragging B away*
...
I don't even.

Comments

[BornEquestrian]

2604115 If you look at when the comment and when the chapter was posted the alicorn amulet didn't exist when the death battle chapter, or my comment was made.

[Dirty Bit]

I had a fic idea for these two characters being switched from their homes, but I hung it afterwards. So hilarious to know that Sweetie Bot can beat Thrackerzod so easily

[Zephyr_Skystorm]

Aang and Celestia vs Nightmare Moon and Nightmare Rarity