The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Lightning Round: Dream Matchups and Nightmare Killers

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Properties in this chapter belong to their respective owners.
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Five Lightning Round

Here, all the battles are conducted without waiting for analysis.

Ten Fighters!

All Action!

No Research!

Lightning Round!

Start the clock and... Go!

(Does the world end with you?)

---Neku Sakuraba vs. Ink Rose---

A boy wearing headphones runs around the streets of a rather dead city. He stops at a corner and takes a look at his hand. What looks like a time-stamp tattoo is counting down. Its interval reads 2:30 before he lowers his arm. He grunts a bit as he looks around. There's a slight twitch of his eye as he looks to the right. He leans over just in time for a baseball to whizz over his head.

He puts one hand in his pants pocket as he turns around. A small, winged equine is standing on the other side of the street. Her red shirt seems to be redundant against her red hide. What really stands out, however, is her orange headset and a metal baseball bat. She smirks at her new target.

The clock is ticking.

Start!

The Scout Ink Rose pulls out a baseball and tosses it straight up. She angles her bat just behind her as the ball begins its descent.

"Ha-Ta!"

The bat collides with the ball, sending it forth with a bright and trailing flash line. Neku gives a short hum before side-stepping out of the way. He takes a running start across the street. Ink whacks a few more baseballs of similar velocity toward her opponent. The boy manages to side-step, weave, and even spin-step out of the way as he closes in.

A couple buttons flash on the screen above him as he snaps his fingers. Two jets of flame burst out of the sidewalk on either side of the pegasus. She lets out a yelp before flying forward and away from the heat. But, this puts her right in place for Neku's next move. He throws in a bunch of spinning slaps and kicks all at once. Each time Ink takes a hit, she lets out a grunt and recoils.

But the scout isn't going to take her punishment sitting down. She flaps her wings and zips around this side of the road. Before Neku realizes it, he's taking a nice big helping of "boinks" and "bonks" from the bat swings. He grunts as he's sent to the asphalt on his back. But with a busking spin, he's back on his feet in a second.

Neku starts shooting fiery rocks out of his hands... somehow. Ink flies around zig-zag, barely dodging most of them. She even tries to swing her bat at one of them. However, doing this makes the metal in her hooves heat up to a burning red. She drops her bat, crying out the word "hot" over and over.

The screen fades white on a portrait of Neku in a pose. "Now, let's end this!"

Um... where the heck did that giant tidal wave come from? Where did Neku get that surfboard? How is he guiding that wave over this specific part of the streets? What is this? I don't even!

Well, anyway... the wave passes. There's a waterlogged pegasus scout on her back with spirals in her eyes. The boy stands nearby with both of his hands in his pockets.

Noise erased!

This round's winner is... Neku Sakuraba!

(Knucklehead Ninja vs. Hot-headed Substitute Shinigami)

---Pony Naruto vs. Pony Ichigo---

A blonde colt swiftly leaps across the forest area. The air whooshes even though only a few leaves are displaced from the trees. Meanwhile, a stallion in black, traditional Japanese attire stands in place. He perks up as he senses someone approaching. He turns around just as the first pony arrives on the scene.

The younger stallion holds onto a small kunai knife, while the second grabs hold of a giant blade. Subtitles read across the bottom of the screen as each of them says something.

"Ore wo... kona sakata, dattebayo?"

"Am I supposed to believe that I'm fighting you next?"

"Ken' gatsuda, bakara."

"You'll face my blade, idiot."

Nobody blink!

Take off!

Naruto's fuzzy tails quickly bend to cross each other. "Poni Sutairu: Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Another blonde pony appears in a cloud of smoke that looks identical to him. Both of them gallop in curved paths toward the enemy. Ichigo barely bats an eye as he rushes forward. Without even touching the ground, he overtakes one of the incoming colts and slams his sword with force. This Naruto tries to hold off the blade with his kunai, but it quickly slips out of his grasp.

Zangetsu slices through the ninja without hesitation. However, this colt vanishes in a burst of white smoke. The real colt turns on his hind leg and collides with Ichigo's back. The soul reaper immediately retaliates by swinging his Zanpakuto in an arc around him. The colt dodges under, only losing a few yellow hairs to the swing.

Rushing forth again, Ichigo makes a downward strike with his sword. This time, Zangetsu seems to cut that kunai into pieces before slicing the colt in half. Yet, Naruto vanishes in another cloud of smoke. Ichigo turns around to see two more Narutos, each with their tails crossed. The stallion stands in place, waiting for his opponent's next trick.

Naruto holds up a front hoof, flat-side up. The shadow clone turns around and swiftly waves its tails over the ninja's hoof. Blue chakra gathers and spins into a concentrated orb.

"Nandato?" Ichigo huffs as he steadies his anticipation.

The clone picks up his "boss" and launches him like a javelin. Its task done, the clone vanishes. Naruto holds his Rasengan right within hoof's reach as he glides toward his opponent. However, some bluish-white reiatsu starts to gather along Zangetsu's edge. Ichigo raises his blade high.

"Getsuga Tenshou!" He swings his Zanpakuto, and it in turn releases its reiatsu into a large power wave.

The energy-based attacks pass each other, colliding at a tangent. The Rasengan sends Ichigo spinning head over tail into a tree. The Getsuga Tenshou forces Naruto back several feet, cuts through some of his jacket, and draws some blood. After Ichigo slides off the tree and stands back up, the screen splits to show them both breathing fairly hard.

Naruto crosses his tails again. However, the next instant brings a slightly scuffed up Ichigo right on top of the colt.

"Todomeda!"

"It's over!"

Zangetsu draws blood from the real Naruto at last. The ninja collapses in a bleeding mess.

K.O.!

This round's victory goes to... Ichigo Kurosaki!

(X-Men vs. Elements of Insanity)

---Banshee vs. Fluttershout---

A man, wearing a very prominent cape of yellow, glides over the cemetery. He looks around left and right. Some guy flies by screaming while spinning head over heel. The catches the X-man's attention before he looks down at the ground. A rather smug, red-haired pegasus pony is giggling to herself. He flies down and lands with a plop in front of her.

Rest in peace headphone users!

Shout!

Fluttershout takes in a deep breath. However, Banshee rushes in flying. He collides with the pony monster, sending her back a few feet. He then proceeds to rush around for several smacking passes. His couples his last pass with a sound from his mouth that can barely be heard by the audience, but is seen distorting the air around it. Fluttershout is sent head over hoof.

She flaps her wings to straighten herself out. She furrows her brow and lightly taps her top hat. She hurriedly flies back down to the battlefield. In response, Banshee emits his supersonic screech all over the graveyard, displacing many of the tombstones in all sorts of directions. One of said stones knocks the pegasus monster in for an early landing. In pain, she releases her breath as an unholy scream.

Banshee pauses in mid-flight, holding his hands against his ears. His feet slide against the dirt as he groans. Fluttershout pushes the stray tombstone off her body before she sees the pained X-man. She hums in thought before a wicked idea crosses her mind. She quietly flutters up behind him and takes in a deep breath. Her next scream sounds like a chorus of a thousand demons performing heavy metal.

Banshee's ears squirt blood like fountains. He lets out a directionless screech in pain. Though, it's quickly shut off when a pair of hooves reaches up and snap his neck. He collapses to the ground. One of the flying, unmarked tombstones falls down just above his head. Fluttershout cackles in a combined voice of a heavy weapons guy and a mindless gonzo.

Volume on!

The winner of this round is... Fluttershout!

(Nightmares and Voids)

---Tantabus vs. Darkrai---

The wild Pokemon battle music plays as the screen goes all flashy. However, the opponent fails to make any significant sound effects. Pokemon Champion Tobias sends out Darkrai! The action menu vanishes as the screen focuses on both the blue cloud monster and the pitch-black Pokemon.

No running from this battle!

Begin!

The Tantabus glides around and taps a few blades of grass. Said grass glows in a weird light before transforming into an army of deformed Cacnea. They charge forward while all using Drain Punch. Darkrai uses Double Team to create after-images of himself. The Cacnea fly through the illusions and slam into each other. In the moment of reprieve, Darkrai focuses his mind with Nasty Plot.

But the Tantabus does not remain idle. It swirls around a tree with some hanging Kakuna. Upon contact, they all break off the tree and turn into Mega Beedrill, armed with far more Fell Stingers than should be possible for any insect. Darkrai casts forth the shadows of his Dark Void. These bees collapse to the ground, suffering fear and pain due to their bad dreams.

Growling in frustration, the Tantabus attempts a more direct approach by transforming itself into a barrage of fists. They slam into Darkrai like several Mach Punches simultaneously. The Pokemon grumbles a bit, sliding along the ground. As the Tantabus comes in for a Dynamic Punch, Darkrai's eye opens with a flashy camera effect. He looks at the blue smoke monster and holds up his arm.

Darkrai uses Dream Eater. The contents of the entire scenery, along with the Tantabus itself, are sucked into the Pokemon's unnoticeable mouth. Someone in the sound booth has a little too much fun with the vacuum and straw-sucking sound effects. Eventually, the dream fades to nothing.

The pitch-dark Pokemon belches himself awake. Though, back in the real world, he quickly slaps his arm over the lower part of his face.

Finish!

This round's victory goes to... Darkrai!

(You Don't Know the Power of the Dark Side)

---Darth Vader vs. Nightmare Moon---

There is a lot of heavy breathing. The gas mask noise grows louder as the combatant slowly strolls onto the premises. A few storm troopers stand at his side, until a quick cloud slices them all down to a pile of limbs.

"What is the meaning of this?" asks the dark conqueror.

"There can be only one." The cloud swirls around before reconfiguring into a tall equine in armor. "And that is me!"

The man in the life support pulls out a long, red light saber. "You do not know the power I possess."

May the Force be with you!

Engage!

Nightmare Moon fires a flurry of sparking magic bolts. Darth Vader's light saber twirls around and deflects all of the bolts. He then deliberately throws his red light weapon forward. It spins while giving off a warbling, whirring noise. Nightmare flies over the saber and shoots lightning from her horn.

Darth Vader yelps from the initial jolt, but he follows up by holding out his hand. The enemy's lightning gathers into his Kinetite orb. With just a thought, the electric ball swings forth and upward. Nightmare Moon's mane swirls around, turning her into a cloud of blue smoke. The orb flies through her and bounces off the returning light saber. The weapon also passes through her with minimal disruption.

As its pommel returns to the Dark Lord's physical hold, the blue smoke changes shape again. It now looks like a blue imitation of the light saber. It swings itself at Darth Vader, imitating the strikes of an actual swordsman. Naturally, Vader moves his actual saber around to block its strikes.

"Enough!" he declares as he holds out his palm.

The imitation saber shakes in place. However, it appears unable to resist the Force's grip. Vader wills it to slam into the ceiling and immediately back down to the floor. He then swings his saber at the floor. Just as he does, the fake saber turns into blue smoke and whisks around the floor.

Within a second, it wraps around the Dark Lord. He simply scoffs at the bodily intruder.

"It is pointless," he says.

Vader waves his arms out to the side. A large vibration shakes the entire arena. The blue smoke cloud flies off and resumes her alicorn form. She grunts at the sheer willpower of this man. But, she is far from done.

Nightmare Moon's smoke envelops her. Her shape splits up into three pegasi with glowing yellow eyes. They fly around at breakneck speeds. Vader uses his Force Choke to trap one of them in mid-flight. He holds out his arm to Force Choke a second one. The third Shadowbolt, however, flies up from behind and flies just above his head. This Nightmare pegasus shape-shifts into a large, prying claw. It grabs hold of the Dark Lord's helmet and digs into the neck area.

"What is the meaning of-"

The Dark Lord doesn't get to finish his sentence as his helmet is yanked off. As well, a few pieces of his burned skin come off in the helmet's snags. As the helmet clangs on the floor a few feet away, the colorful control panel on his chest starts beeping. He breathes heavily, hanging onto his life via the Force.

Unfortunately, that life-sustaining Force replaces the Force that holds the Shadowbolts, resulting in them being released from their choking states. They fly up together and reunite into Nightmare Moon's default form. She conjures forth another storm of lightning to strike the exposed head. Needless to say, that electrocution is not pleasant for the Dark Lord.

The alicorn turns into her saber form from before and points straight down. The saber goes all the way through his head. He falls to his knees before collapsing on his deformed face. The Nightmare turns into a cloud of smoke before leaving the Dark Lord for good. Back in her alicorn form, Nightmare Moon flies in place. She lifts her head and cackles evilly.

Down!

The winner of this round is... Nightmare Moon!
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Author's Note:

Key phrase: "No research".

Comments

[Dirty Bit]

Loved the battle between Tantabus and Darkrai.