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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Woo! First comment for this chapter!
First I would like to say nice job. I feel like this story is coming out well, if not a bit strangely paced. It has a nice balance of story elements, as well as action, drama, lightheartedness, etc...
I do have a few concerns... First, during the conversation with Pipsqueak, when he asks Twilight about contacting Celestia, Spike responds with “I’m sure she’s respond soon.” It should say "I'm sure she will respond soon."
Also, the scene between AJ and RD. While this scene had a nice exposition, and didn't really harm the pace of the story, I felt as if the characters actions seemed very unnatural. Even in these circumstances, I can't see these two acting quite this way in this type of situation. The fighting is fine, it just felt like the scene was a bit... Rushed.
Other than those few concerns, I felt that this chapter turned out rather well. I thought you ended it in an awkward place, but that's not necessarily bad. I look forward to the rest of this story. Keep up the good work.