• Member Since 7th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen 13 hours ago

CrimsonEquine

Improvement is a dire mistress.

CrimsonEquine Joined 7th Oct, 2012 · Offline

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Comments ( 4 )
Zaid ValRoa
Zaid ValRoa #1 · Oct 29th, 2014 · · ·
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This...
Wasn't that bad actually. Sure, if you had made it a bit longer, maybe we could have been more invested in the story, but otherwise it's ok.
So, yeah, it's average, but it's an improvement.
:twilightsmile:

BadTouch
BadTouch #3 · Nov 14th, 2014 · · ·
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The premise and story were not bad. Original, for an Anon-in-Equestria story. The dialogue and setup were just painful to read. The characters didn't sound remotely natural in their speech. While pseudo-In Medias Res is an entirely legitimate style, it still requires either exposition interlaced with the progressing plot or the explanitive gaps must be planned to tell their own story, like a mystery.

The dialogue is actually the easier fix. Push the whole story through a natural-voice Text-to-speech program, like Ivona or the Dragon Naturally engine. Any stilted lines become painfully obvious, when you hear them externally.

I'm not insulting anything. I just think this short has genuine potential to impress with some clean-up.

So thanks for that.

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