Luna tells the unforgettable tale of her past of when she was banished to the moon for a thousand years. Regretting every mistake she made that lead her to be a dangerous threat to Equestria.
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Greetings, citizen. As of late I have seen fit to provide mine assistance to authors who seem in need, which explaineth my presence here. Do note that I come not to debase thee or insult thy fic, but rather to give thee some insight into where thou mayest improve thyself as a writer. That said, I shan’t blunt mine opinions in order to preserve thy feelings. ‘Tis for thine own good to receive the whole truth rather than a pat on the back. Do not let constructive criticism harm thy confidence—rather, use it as the tool that it is for becoming a better author.
Now let us away to yon long description:
I understand not the final part of the actual description (the disclaimer counteth not). Who is reminding who of what? It maketh no sense. Even further, I would prefer that thou tellest me what the story is actually about; saying that it happened over a thousand years ago provideth far too little context.
Regarding the disclaimer, thou needest it not. Believe me truly when I say that, if Hasbro and its legion of lawyers wished to pursue a lawsuit against some little-known fanfiction author on the internet, then a flimsy disclaimer will do naught to protect thee. That said, they shall never pursue such a lawsuit in the first place, precisely because thou art a fanfiction author on the internet, and Hasbro careth not.
Onwards, to the story proper.
In the author’s note preceding the text, thou explainest thy reasoning behind the word “Redone” in the title. However, as thou hast not published the original fic, thou needest not apply any modifiers to it. It hath naught to do with the story itself, and I suggest that thou cutteth it out.
And here I must pick at thine opening sentence. ‘Tis not terrible, to be sure, but it sayeth something that is not what thou meanest. “Getting memories” is not the same as “recalling memories”, a distinction that greatly changeth the sentence’s meaning. I urge thee to consider rewriting it.
So the story beginneth with someone (supposedly Luna) sitting around moping and being generally angsty.
I honestly know not what exactly thou meanest with this sentence, an issue that croppeth up frequently throughout this fic. Thou stringest together a sentence that is technically correct, but with insensate meaning. Time hath caused her to be a danger? That maketh no sense.
It should be “she alone managed”. Right now, it readeth, “how her alone managed”, which is incorrect.
Luna recalleth the day Nightmare Moon possessed her, which thou sayest was the same day as the “End of Chaos” party. Although I would urge thee to consider a better name (seriously, “End of Chaos”? Meh), but the more pressing issue is that Luna’s rebellion took place on the morn of the Summer Sun Celebration.
What followeth is basically a retelling of Luna’s battle against Celestia and subsequent banishing to the moon, along with thine interpretation of her thoughts all the while. Although ‘tis not too poorly written, I wonder wherefore ‘twas conceived. This story hath already been told in the show, and thine own additions do little to advance the characterizations. The reader could simply watch the arguably better produced scene and have roughly the same experience.
‘Twould be more acceptable if the story continued and explored the present-day Luna’s reflections further, mayhaps even shown her with some sort of epiphany, but no such thing occurreth. The fic simply endeth with Nightmare Moon’s banishment.
I suppose there is little for me to say in conclusion. When thou writest a story, try to bring something new to the table. Angsty Luna is not a novel idea, and the fight scene is nigh upon ripped straight from the show. Further, thy formatting, grammar, and word choices struck me as consistently odd, and I mean not only those that I quoted. Nearly every sentence had a mistake or poorly-chosen word in it. Mayhaps if thou readest through thy work before submitting it, these strange-sounding items will present themselves to thee so that thou mayest correct them. If proofreading is not thy forte, at the very least I urge thee to consider hiring a proofreader. ‘Twould make thy prose much more bearable to read.
With that, I am off. Fare thee well, author, and I wish thee the best of luck in thy future endeavors.
5797363
I very much appreciate your help and feedback on this story I'll make sure to fix the errors that I have made, again thank you for the feedback!